It’s your August Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and Skip Bayless has Captain America, aka Derek Jeter, in his cross-hairs. The ESPN talking head/yelling-at-people dude/angry-at-stuff man insinuated that Jeter is having such a good year because of performance-enhancing drugs. Bayless commented: “I’m seeing a whole new guy this year from last year…You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, ‘How is he doing this?’” Well, Skip, maybe Jeter is hitting .324 this year because…oh, I don’t know…he’s a fucking career .313 hitter, you God-Damn nimrod!! This is why I can’t take Skip Bayless and 98% of those “sports analysts” on ESPN seriously. I further cannot take Skip Bayless seriously because he looks exactly like Heywood from The Shawshank Redemption and every time I see Bayless on TV, I feel that Brooks is gonna suddenly pop up and hold a knife to Skip’s throat. Put down the knife, Brooks, Skip Bayless is your friend!!!
Speaking of performance-enhancing drugs, Oakland A’s starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended 50 games for using testosterone. And for those of you who may not know, his last name is pronounced like “cologne.” It’s NOT pronounced “cole-in”…because if it were…then his name would basically be Bartolo Ass-Pipe…which would be bad for everybody…either way, he still has one of the largest fucking heads of any creature who is not named “Elephant Man” these drunk eyes have ever seen.
Washington Nationals Manager Davey Johnson says that the team’s young ace, Stephen Strasburg, will probably miss his final 2 to 3 starts due to an organizational decision to protect his arm. In this writer’s professional opinion, it’s more like they’re protecting his pussy!!! Bam!!! Get it?!?! Because the manager is treating Strasburg like a fucking girl and girls have pussies!! It’s like Washington is trying to save Strasburg’s hot, wet pussy from over-heating and shit!!! And then they’ll probably make Strasburg shit out of his pussy and fart from his pussy and…yeah…yeah…I don’t think I understand how pussies work. I failed biology you know…
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre who hit three home runs last night in the Rangers’ 12-3 victory over the Orioles. That’s three more home runs than this guy, Adrian:
…and this guy:
But interestingly, not as many as this guy…who is former Red Sox third baseman, Wade Boggs: