It’s your August Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Evelyn Lozada has filed for divorce from Chad Johnson after Johnson allegedly head-butted her over the weekend. The football player and reality person (I refuse to call her a “star”) had been signed to appear in “Ev & Ocho”, which was going to be a VH1 reality show about their new marriage, but the show has been dropped. Damn, VH1, why would you NOW cancel the fucking show?!?! Domestic violence, people getting divorced, a crazy wide receiver who once changed his last name to a Spanish version of his football jersey number- this would have been the best fucking reality series out there!!! Instead, we’ll just have to keep watching the forty-nine God-Damn Gordon Ramsay shows on television!!!! And I think there’s yet another Gordon Ramsay program coming out where Ramsay gets so angry at his amateur, shitty chefs burning the steaks, that he slits the throat of a baby lamb in front of them, and lets the blood shoot onto the chefs’ faces. Then, he draws swastikas on the chefs’ foreheads with the blood and shoves them into his Hell’s Kitchen ovens. I believe the name of the show is Gordon Ramsay’s Concentration Camp. Coming to FOX this Fall.

Despite reports claiming that Pedroia and other Red Sox players had a meeting with Boston ownership and asked for Sox manager Bobby Valentine to be fired, Pedroia is saying that he never called for Valentine’s job. Then somebody is lying. And I aim to find out just who that someone is, dag-nabbit. That’s right- Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator) is on the case! And as the world’s first, foremost, and thus far only perverted investigator, I plan on going to Pedroia’s locker at Fenway Park, and jerking off in his cup!! Bam!!! Then, I’ll rub David Ortiz’s bat between my ass cheeks!! Boom!! And finally, I’ll take Bobby V’s hat and shit in it and wear it on my head and take a picture!! Then I’ll send said picture to GuysInShitHats.com and make twenty-five bucks!! Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator)- he always gets his man…and then jizzes in the man’s shoes!

Players on the Washington Nationals are criticizing the management for saying that they will shut down ace Stephen Strasburg this season after he hits his innings limit. Mark DeRosa called it “devastating.” That’s not devastating, Mark, I’LL tell you what God-Damn devastating is- getting your dick caught in a jar of glue; foolishly bringing Rip Taylor to your mom’s funeral; trying to compete in an ear-biting contest against Mike Tyson…THAT shit is fucking devastating, Mark!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Albert Pujols, who hit his 26th home run of the season last night as his team beat the Indians, 9 to 6. It seems like just yesterday that Pujols only had one home run for the season and we were calling the Angels’ signing a bust. Well, looks like we have egg on our faces, daddy. Egg, some peppers, and a little jizz…and we’ll call it a Western Cumelet, and serve it for breakfast in Davey Mac’s Perverted Cafe. #ThinkingOutsideTheBox