It's your August Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin says that the team releasing Chad Johnson had nothing to do with his domestic battery arrest. That's like saying that my farting problem has no relation to the fact that I've snorted eight White Castle burgers this morning and that I have a loose asshole. I mean, it's looser than Madonna's pussy, I tells ya. I mean, my asshole is so loose, you could fit two midgets comfortably in there and have them play a ping pong game! THAT'S loose, I says!!! My asshole is SO FUCKING LOOSE that I just threw it over a terrorist and choked him out with it!! It's fucking loose!!!!
Red Sox legend Johnny Pesky has died at the age of 92. He was a shortstop for Boston in the '40's and '50's, but most may know him for the fact that the right field foul pole at Fenway is known as the Pesky Pole. That's awesome to have your own foul pole named after you. If I could get a place in the world of sports named after me, it would be the 12th hole at the Bel-Aire Public Golf Course in Wall, New Jersey, where, when I was 17, I got a case of beer and somehow convinced this girl named Sheila to break into the course and hang out with me. Of course, I didn't get anywhere, and the next morning I awoke to sprinklers going off, surrounded by empty beer cans, with a pile of shit in my pants and a security guard calling the police. I'd call that "Davey Mac's Hole Of Shame."
Boy, I miss the Olympics. I'm not gonna lie. I'm going through some serious Olympic withdrawal today. I'm shaking, sweating, seeing things. I'm rocking back and forth. I suddenly have scabs on my face. I'm listening to the Velvet Underground. My piss stinks. It's horrible.
...On second thought, I think I'm confusing the Olympics with heroin again...sorry!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Nick Swisher, whose grand slam led the first-place Yankees over the first-place Rangers, 8 to 2. Swisher said after the game, "I'd like to thank my team-mates, the fans, and mostly, my Dylan McKay-sideburns. Thanks, fellas! And, Brenda, if you try giving me any more shit, I'm gonna put you on my dad's boat and blow it the fuck up!!!!!"
See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!