It’s your August Second Davey Mac Sports Report and it’s pretty clear that these Olympics are being owned by the women. Supple…sweaty…big-toothed…sweet-faced…sometimes lazy-eyed…but all around great, American girls, daddy. Fuck yeah. The U.S. women’s gymnastic team won the gold medal for the first time since that little broken-footed Hobbit Kerri Strug led her team to the gold in 1996. Congrats, ladies, we should play one of the USA’s greatest rock anthems, “American Woman”, by one of the USA’s best bands, The Guess Who, on a running loop for you in your Olympic Village rooms and—
—huh? The Guess Who is Canadian??? And that song was actually ANTI-American?!?!?! Well, then FUCK YOU, Canada!!! And fuck Michael J. Fox, and fuck Geddy Lee right in the anus, and fuck Pele right in his cankles, and fuck Oasis, and fuck EVERYBODY!!!!!! U-S-A!!!!!!!
Meanwhile the women’s swim team won the gold medal for their first-place performance in the relay. These are some strong-looking broads. I feel like if I were to arm wrestle any of them, I’d probably get my ass kicked. Oh, who am I kidding, I’d probably get my ass kicked by Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder…oh, who am I kidding, I’d most likely get my ass kicked and then stuffed in a garbage can by Harriet, the bitchy little red-haired girl who lived next door to Vicki…oh, who am I kidding, I’d surely get my ass kicked, lit on fire, and stabbed with needles by Jamie, the human boy whose house Vicky stayed in and who most likely put Vicky on sleep mode at night so that he could rape her with his little Jamie cock.
Oh, and the USA women’s basketball team crushed Turkey, 89 to 58. I think if America continues to dominate like this, they should get something special, in addition to the medals. How about gold dildo’s? Or pictures of me shoving dental floss into my dick-hole? Take your time and think it over, Olympic Committee, I think it’s a good idea.
I guess that this means that the Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to CHICKS!! Specifically- AMERICAN chicks!! Congrats, ladies!! You might spend too much money, and violently murder your husbands in their sleep, and use Facebook as a tool to gossip/blackmail/conspire/fornicate with, but you are THE dominant sex at the Olympics!! Hip, hip, hooray!