It’s your August First Davey Mac Sports Report and Michael Phelps is a bigger Medal-head than James Hetfield or those two guys from American Movie at this point. He captured two more (one of them gold) last night and now has more medals than any other Olympian in history. Phelps said after his historical achievement: “Hey Carl Lewis, I’ve got an idea…why don’t you mangle the Star-Spangled Banner again and then fuck yourself, dick-nose? Hey Bruce Jenner, a thought just came to me- maybe you should get another shitty face-lift and put the Olympic torch squarely up your plastic ass? Hey Mark Spitz, guess what? NO ONE in America remembers you OR your fucked-up mustache, jizz-face!!! I am Michael Phelps, American…and I OWN the God-Damn Olympics!!! Rrrrrrroooaaarrr!!!!!!!”
You know, we here at the Sports Headquarters kick ass every morning, Monday through Friday. Then, on top of that, we do two hugely popular and original sports shows, one on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, and the other on RiotCast.com/iTunes. We also make a shitload of good videos on YouTube. Thus, I figure somewhere in the ESPN universe, we could be given a show with which we would dominate the world of sports, comedy, etc. And yet, this is who ESPN is putting on their airwaves:
This scary-looking man’s name is Wayne Drehs. And I don’t want to be rude, and God knows I am no Mona Lisa, but three words come to mind when I see this frightening, Milos Forman movie-extra-looking man on television: “Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! Wayne Drehs!!!!!!” Again, I ain’t no Brad Pitt. Heck, I’m not even Brad Garrett. But for shit’s sake, ESPN, if you can put Wayne “Ahhhhhh-Hide-The-Fuckin’-Kids-Here-He-Comes” Drehs on the air, then why not Davey Mac? Just some food for thought. Anyway, I need to gi—-
—-oh shit!!! I think I hear the Wayne Drehs Monster a-comin’!!!! RUN!!!!!!
The U.S. Men’s basketball team fucked the shit out of Tunisia yesterday- 110 to 63. The only thing I know about Tunisia is that George Lucas love the dick out of it. He filmed the original Star Wars there…as well as Raiders of the Lost Ark…among other Lucasfilm movies. Hey, George!! You do know that there’s other deserts in the world besides fucking Tunisia, right, Big Ears?!?! Shit, George!! Stop with the Bob Vila plaid shirts already and take a God-Damned geography course!!!!
Notre Dame will suspend their starting QB, Tommy Rees, for the opening game of the season after Rees was arrested for under-age drinking and resisting arrest. I’m glad I didn’t play football for Notre Dame, with all my under-age drinking AND resisting arrest charges, I would have been suspended every fucking week!!! Real transcript from Davey Mac at college: “Blllllllaaaaahhhhh!!! I’m fucking druuuuuuuunk!!! Hey!!! Hey, fuck YOU, Officer!!! What are you gonna arrest me?!?!? Hahahahaha!!! Hey!! Hey, what are the handcuffs for?!?!?!?! Blllluuuuurgggghhhh!!!!!! Drrrroooowwwllllll!!!!!”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Pirates’ A.J. Burnett who threw a one-hitter against the Cubs yesterday as Pittsburgh won, 5 to 0. Good for A.J. He’s had a particularly bad couple of years. His career went to shit on the Yankees. He fell down some stairs. He bunted a basbeall into his own eye socket, breaking it. His head caught on fire. His dog was possessed by the Devil. His fingernails started talking to him at night. His butt fell off. And his mother turned out to be a man…named Morley Safer…of 60 Minutes. Good for A.J.