It’s your July Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and seventeen-year-old swimmer Missy Franklin of the USA is suddenly an international superstar as she took home the Gold in the 100-meter backstroke yesterday. And she did it by winning the event just fourteen minutes after swimming in another race (the semifinals for the 200-meter freestyle)!! Shit, dawg!! This teenager is one of hell of a Swim Beast!! While Michael Phelps is blazing up in his hotel room and watching The Wall for the 80th time, and while Ryan Lochte has suddenly not found the gold medal in his last two races because he is designing green sneakers for some reason that even a leprechaun would say “look like shit,” this under-aged broad has stolen America’s heart. These are the stories that make the Olympics something special. Narratives like the time Kerri Strug won the gymnastics gold with a broken ankle. Or when Jess Owens crushed the competition in the 1936 Olympics, in Berlin, with Adolf Hitler watching on. Hitler, in disgust at a black man beating his runners, apparently shit in his underwear a little. Embarrassed, he attempted to throw out his ruined Nazi boxers in the restroom garbage can, but was spotted by German super-general, Erwin Rommel, who disapprovingly stared at him. The two would never speak of the incident…but for years they’d exchange a secret glance…one that said: “Hitler shit himself and tried to hide it.” Fin.
Roughly one thousand Penn State fans gathered together this morning in order to show the football team their support. The fans carried signs that had quotes from Winston Chuchill, Thomas Paine, and Vince Lombardi on them. Meanwhile, one thousand NAMBLA fans gathered outside Jerry Sandusky’s jail cell to show him their support. They had signs with quotes from Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, and Alex Trebek on them…Alex Trebek?!?! Wow!! Who fucking knew?!?!?!
Yankees first basement Mark Teixeira will have an MRI today after injuring his wrist in last night’s game against the Orioles (Baltimore won, 5 to 4). Upon hearing this, the Yanks’ flamboyant radio play-by-play man and pun artist, John Sterling, commented: “He’s off the Mark!!! He’s sent a Tex Message to the doctor that says, ‘Hey, Doc, I broke my fuckin’ wrist!!!’ His cock has some MARKS on it!! Trust me, I’ve taken pictures of him when I was hiding in his hotel bathroom!!! The Yankees wiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!!!!!’”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Kendrys Morales who became just the third switch-hitter in the history of baseball to hit a home run from each side of the plate in the same inning. Damn, that’s impressive. I once did that..but it was a Wiffle Ball game and hardly as difficult as hitting in the Big Leagues. I also once ate so much popcorn covered with hot sauce that I felt like I was shitting lava for 72 hours. And once, I tried to find out how long I could keep a hamster in my mouth- 47 minutes. Also, I’ve sat in the same spot for eighteen straight hours, in my own urine, very high on strong acid. And that, my friends, is a world record that still stands.
See you tomorry, muchachos!!!
- Dave (7/31/12)