It’s your July Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and USA Women’s Soccer goalie Hope Solo has just essentially called NBC analyst Brandi Chastain a dumb fucking slutbag who is older and more out to lunch than Queen Elisabeth. After Chastain had a couple of critical comments regarding the American ladies’ performance in the Olympics (they’ve won both games they’ve played in, by the way), Solo tweeted:

“Its 2 bad we cant have commentators who better represents the team&knows more about the game.”

Bam! Slam! Cock-jam! You just been pown3d by Solo, Brandi!! But, the Dave Man has a way for you to get Solo back, Brandi!! I say you take Solo, freeze her in Carbonite, and ship her bitch-tits over to Jabba the Hutt where he can hang her on the wall like the whore-decoration that she is!!!!!

Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite athletic pot-head, Michael “Cheech & Chong” Phelps, has swam in two races, and has yet to win a gold medal. Phelps says that he is still “confident” that he will win a race before the Olympics ends. Phelps also says that he is “really hungry” because of how “fucking high” he is right now. Phelps furthermore says that he “would like to put on some Phish, specifically Chalkdust Torture,” so that he can “mellow out, man.” Finally, Phelps says that “it would be really weird” if, like, “all human life was just the hallucination of one, giant, psychedelic Star Baby.”

The U.S. men’s basketball team beat France, 98 to 71, in their first game of the Olympic tournament. I’m glad France got taken down. I went there once when I was 18…and I had to pay five fucking francs for a Coke!!! And then, on top of that, the Coke was only eight ounces!!! That’s like 1.2 Francs per ounce of fucking Coke!!! What a God-Damn ripoff!!! I’m not made of francs, France, you fucking pussies!!! Thank God LeBron and homies shut down your thieving Frog asses, you embezzling European bastards!!!! Fuck YOU!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Red Sox infielder Pedro Ciriaco, whose single in the tenth inning helped Boston beat the Yankees, 3 to 2. And a second Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Pedro Cerrano, whose huge home run helped the Indians beat the Yankees in Major League. Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill!!!!!