It’s your July Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Yankees have acquired Ichiro from the Mariners for two minor league shmizbo’s and some cash. And in his first game in pinstripes he singled and stole a base against his former team. As an aside, if the Yankees are on the road, would that previous statement be accurate? After all, the Yankees do not wear their pinstripes on the road…they wear their gray uniforms. On the other hand, “pinstripes” is synonymous with “being a Yankee.” So maybe it is grammatically correct. And since we are hypothesizing here, if I put a garden hose up my ass, how much water could I shoot up it? And if too much water rocketed up it, would my ass suddenly explode? Can I get married to a hamster if I wanted to? Is “Alan Thicke” his real name? When I seal envelopes with jizz instead of saliva, could I get in trouble? Are there any farms that grow dildo’s? These questions and more in the best-selling book: Dave-A-Netics…by D. Dodd Hubbard.
We broke the Penn State punishment yesterday so if you want our take on it, read the July 23 Sports Report. But I will say this, it was absolutely fucking appalling when ESPN showed these young, half-retarded, soulless Penn State kids who were about to cry when they heard that the football team would not be eligible to play in any bowl games for the next four years. Here’s a pic of these empty, cold-hearted twats:
Hey bitches, you are aware that some kids got RAPED in your fucking school, right? Maybe you should prioritize a little, you vapid shits!!!
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just that you are acting insensitively. Please stop crying. I didn’t mean it…
…what the fuck are YOU people crying about?!?! Shit, lady, you’re WAY too old to be behaving like this!!! FUCK!!! Get a grip, you cock-suckers!!!!
And by the way, do all you people in Pennsylvania shove your whiny, sobbing faces into your hands when you cry?! Doesn’t that smell bad?!?! Like sweaty palm stink-hands?!?! Get a tissue like the rest of us, dick-noses!!!
Meanwhile who would ever have thought that Bobby Bowden would be a voice of reason. When asked how he felt now that he has more wins than Joe Paterno (since the NCAA vacated all Penn State wins from 1998 to 2011), Bowden put things in perspective: “There’s no rejoicing in the Bowden household,” Bowden said. “The most important matter is the young men who suffered. I won’t be able to enjoy it under the circumstances.” Good for you, Bobby. Your years at Florida State had their own controversy with players not meeting academic requirements and taking money, but at least they were not God-Damn pedophiles!!! I say Bobby Bowden for President!! I’ll even write his slogan for him: “None of my coaches and players fucked kids in the ass!! FACE, Joe Paterno!!!!!! …This message was not approved by Bobby Bowden as he has instructed Davey Mac never to write slogans for him and to stop drunkenly breaking into his house.”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Hines Ward, formerly of the Steelers, and now playing for the Gotham Rogues, who not only scored a touchdown in The Dark Knight Rises, but managed to run away from a collapsing football field while the earth beneath him was imploding. This makes your Dancing With The Stars win look like pussy shit, Hines!!! Bane would be proud!!
See you tomorrow, dogsies!!!