It's your July Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Cole Hamels is one rich chick. He just signed a six-year contract extension worth 140 million smackeroos (that's "dollars" in asshole-speak). I don't know what he's gonna do with those 140 million clams ("dollars" in asshole-who-apparently-confuses-seafood-with-currency-speak), but he could have one hell of a party. The first thing I'd do if I were Cole would be to take that pretty little wife of mine, Heidi, and treat her to the best Happy Meal in town!!! ...What can I say, I'm stingy... Anyway, Heidi, if the Dave Man really WAS your husband, we'd have so much fun!! I'd eventually loosen up the duct-tape, and take the rag out of your mouth, and maybe even let you out of my darkened basement once in a while. But I stress, Heidi, "once in a while" means ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE!!! And stop looking at me, Heidi!!!! ...Heidi? Why are you crying, Heidi?
Alex Rodgriguez broke his hand after getting hit by a pitch thrown by Felix Hernandez in the Yankees' loss to the Mariners last night. He will now go to the disabled list. A-Rod commented after the game: "Have you ever noticed how purple my lips are? It's crazy. It's like I stole Grimace's lips and put them on MY fucking face!! I don't know if I'm eating too many grape lollipops or what but my lips are the color of the fucking Minnesota Vikings, for shit's sake!! Damn!! It's like I should be in GWAR already!! Fucky!!!"
The Marlins have traded three-time all star Hanley Ramirez to the Dodgers...and may be getting rid of more of their players because of their disappointing season. In this writer's opinion, that's what they get for having a field that looks like the God-Damn stadium from Mario Super Sluggers rather than a real fucking ballpark!!! I don't know who the shit-head architect was who built this monstrosity, but he apparently said "Ivy on the walls and Green Monsters are OUT...and cock-nosed pastel colors and a giant fucking fruit basket in the outfield are IN!!!" Poo on you, Marlins!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to cows for being so delicious. You stupid sons of bitches have no fucking idea how good you taste, cows, you dumb bastards.