It’s your July Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and I love nothing more than a good choke-job…well…maybe I like a hand-job a little better. But just a little. Oh, and I also like a nice foot-job (where someone takes there foot and rubs it on David, Jr. aka Mr. Penis aka Mr. Softee aka Davey’s Miniature Flesh-Stump-That-Looks-Like-It-Was-Made-With-Pink-And-Purple-Spotted-Play Doh aka Dave’s Dick). AND, I also like a nice ass-job (where I take my bare ass and put it on the bare ass of an unsuspecting hospital patient who has been knocked out with anesthesia). Anyway, Adam Scott of Australia had the Open Championship all wrapped up. He was ready to win his first Major Championship. With four holes left to play, Scott had a four-shot lead. And then, the God-Damn wheels fell off faster than when two Firestones flew off my shitty Chrysler LeBaron when I was driving on the Parkway!!! Scott bogeyed EACH of the final four holes while 42-year-old former champion Ernie Els roared up the leader board and stole the championship like a Shit Thief taking feces out of people’s asses in the middle of the night. Before Scott knew it, Els was holding up the Claret Jug and Scott was left shattered and broken, like a porno gang-bang starlet who has just been jizzed on the face by seventeen guys and then told by the props man that the film crew is out of towels. Well, you know what, Adam? We’re out of towels, pal, we’re out of fucking towels.
Well, so much for Joe Paterno. The last remnants of his legacy, most noticeably the fact that he left college football with more wins than any other Division I coach, have just been burnt up in a bonfire of pedophilia and cover-ups. The NCAA announced their penalties on Penn State this morning and, in the words of Pennsylvania poet Ned Ryerson, they are a fucking doozy. You couldn’t have said it any better, Needle Nose. Penn State has been fined $60 million, they will be banned from post-season play for four years, they will lose scholarships, and probably worst of all for Penn State fans, they will be vacated of ALL WINS from 1998 to 2011…which means that Joe Paterno will no longer be number one in career wins. Well, that about does it, the last nail has been hammered squarely into Paterno’s coffin. It’s been slammed so hard in fact that the nail went through the wood and is now going straight into Joe Pa’s skull, splitting it in half. And there are little worms and bugs now crawling around in Paterno’s dead head. And at midnight tonight, I plan to dig up Paterno’s grave, take his destroyed skull, and drink cognac out of it to celebrate the facts that PSU got a just punishment and that I like cognac. And by the way, and this is directed to Ned Ryerson…did things ever work out between you and Phil Connors’ sister Mary Pat? Just curious…bing!!!
Meanwhile, on Sunday morning Paterno’s statue outside of Penn State’s football stadium was taken down. I watched it live on ESPN. Actually, I just watched a make-shift fence with a blue tarp on it live on ESPN. Apparently they put that there so that people wouldn’t be disturbed by seeing an icon’s statue being torn down. Personally, I love a good statue destruction- Paterno, Saddam Hussein, Stalin, and any of the other villains of history. I wish I was there at Penn State so that after the Joe Pa statue was on the ground, I could have taken my shoes off and hit the statue with them a la Arab people. BAD statue…BAD!!!!
The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the Oakland A’s for sweeping the Yankees, winning every game by one run. I guess Moneyball works afterall. Maybe we should employ the team strategy of other baseball movies…which means we should be looking at penitentiaries for pitching phenoms like Major League and we should probably get a fat, freckled, red-haired kid to catch the pitcher like The Sandlot. And if that idea doesn’t work, we’ll just go home and jerk off instead.
See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!!