It’s your July Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and here is the latest on this endless Dwight Howard drama that is becoming more tedious than the “Vito and Johnny Cakes” plot-line of The Sopranos’ sixth season. Apparently, Howard is close to going to L.A. where sources say that he would sign a contract extension to stay on the Lakers for good. This comes shortly after Howard stated that no matter what team he plays for this season he will NOT sign an extension with them and will opt into free agency. Christ, almighty, Dwight!! Make up your fucking mind already!!! At least Vito was decisive!!! He saw “Johnny Cakes” make those fucking flap-jacks and wanted him some Johnny Cakes cock!!! Bam!! He knew what he wanted, and he sealed the deal!! You could learn a lesson from Vito, Dwight!! I suggest sleeping over Kobe’s house, Dwight. And the next day, should he make you some pancakes, you go on a motorcycle ride with him and make love in a park!!! Problem fucking solved!!
The Open Championship began today. The leader in the clubhouse is Adam Scott, who shot six under par. Tiger Woods had a good round at three under. I have asked this before and I’ll ask it again, when did the “British Open” change its name to the “Open Championship”? It’s fucking confusing, it is. If someone says to me that Tiger shot a first-round 67 in England, I would usually reply to them, “I guess Tiger is gonna have himself a good British Open.” At which point that person would start chuckling condescendingly. I would ask them: “Why the fuck are you laughing at me?” To which they would respond (in a British accent): “Because, mate, it hasn’t been called the British Open in years! You bloody Americans and your mistaken information!! Haha— OUCH!! What the fook was that?!?! Owwwww!!!!”
“THAT,” I would say, “is an AMERICAN fucking baseball bat slamming into your hobbit-ish teeth for chortling at the Stars & Stripes!!! Eat Louisville Slugger, you limey bastard!!!”
Some students at Penn State have started a vigil around the Joe Paterno statue to protect it from vandals and other people who want to see the statue torn down. I have a name for these kids’ organization- The “Our-Priorities-Are-Out-Of-Fucking-Whack-And-We-Love-Pennsylvania-Pedophiles” Club. (Or the O.P.A.O.O.F.W.A.W.L.P.P.C for short). Too blunt?
The Davey Mac Player of the goes to the makers of Pepto Bismol, who have helped me finally stop shitting today. Honestly, in the previous 48 hours, I have taken at least 17 Number Two’s. And my ass was bleeding all over the place from the wiping. Anyway, I hope you’re not eating while you read this. No one needs to visualize my bleeding, shitty, purple, swollen, checkered, frog-like, dripping, sweaty, farty ass while they eat!!