Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Yeah, Mr. President! Get it on!!! (7/17/12)

 

It’s your July Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the USA basketball team beat Brazil yesterday- 80 to 69.  Yet the real story was that President Obama, who was in the audience, was featured on the Jumbotron Kiss Cam, not once, but twice during the game yesterday.  The first time, Obama choked.  He did not kiss the First Lady on the Kiss Cam, perhaps due to embarrassment, or perhaps due to the fact the he is the fucking President and this shit should be fucking beneath him!!!  Regardless, the crowd booed him for being a stick-in-the-mud who may or may not have a birth certificate.  However for the second Kiss Cam moment, and after consulting a panel of fourteen pollsters, advisers, and make-out experts (which included James Carville, Tila Tequila, and Bret Michaels), Mr. Obama grabbed Mrs. Obama’s head and sucked some serious face (in front of his kid no less)!!!  At this moment, the clearly sick and disturbed people in the stands cheered as if they had just coerced some Presidential Porn.  “Yeah, Barack!” a particular fan was heard to exclaim while conspicuously having one hand in his pocket, “take her to the ORAL Office!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!” *

* Editor’s note- The “fan” was in fact the author, Davey Mac; and the Secret Service has demanded that David stay 150 yards away from the President at all future basketball games.

 

In the ongoing Jeremy Lin saga, my sources are telling me that the Knicks will not match the Rockets’ offer to Lin and thus let him walk.  My sources are also saying that I need to clean my testicles more thoroughly…as they supposedly have a distinctive “old socks dipped in milk and farts” smell.  In full disclosure, my “sources” are my wife and my urologist, Dr. Touchy.

 

A woman has been arrested for stalking Chicago Cubs general manager Theo Epstein.  Meanwhile his brother, Juan Epstein, had this for a comment: “For starters, Theo is not my brother.  I am a sitcom character and not a real person.  I have told this to Dave several times, though he is usually drunk.  Secondly, I am currently dead.  I died in January.  So I don’t even know how I’m releasing this statement.  Anyway…Sweathogs forever!!!!”

 

The Davey Mac Poop of the Day goes to Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant for being arrested on a domestic violence charge after he reportedly…hit his mom.  Classy move, Dez!!  Hey!  I have access to a puppy in case you want to come over and kick him in the teeth!!!  The Dallas Cowboys- America’s Cock-Suckers.

See ya manana, banana!!

-Dave (7/17/12)