Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

1 D.W.I. and 0 L.I.N!! Just another shitty Knicks Monday!! (7/16/12)

 

It’s your July Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Knicks, fresh off of the Brooklyn Nets stealing some of the New York limelight, have finally gotten some attention this summer.  First off, their new elderly point guard Jason Kidd was arrested for driving drunk.  And secondly, sources say the team will probably not re-sign their ONLY ray of sunshine from last year’s turbulent season- Jeremy Lin.  “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” said French novelist Alphonse Karr.  Loosely translated, the Knicks and their typically shitty organization are making the wrong, fucked-up decisions as usual!!!!  “What a bunch of jack-offs!!!” added German writer Franz Kafka when thinking about the Knickerbockers.  “My shites are smarter than those cock-suckers!” exclaimed Irish author Jonathan Swift once when asked to describe the Knicks.  And finally, when thinking of yet another farty Knicks season that lay ahead of him, American writer Ernest Hemingway said simply, “Does anyone know where I can get a fucking gun?!?!”

 

Ever hear the phrase “Let sleeping dogs lie”?  Bobby Valentine hasn’t.  Even though the Red Sox manager got his wish of having Kevin Youkilis traded off the team (to the White Sox), Bobby V has still found time to take a shot at Youkilis, stating that it was Youkilis and not Valentine who created the friction between them.  Valentine basically called Youkilis a pussy for being angry at Valentine after Bobby V questioned Youkilis’ heart.  Why, Bobby?  Why bring this up?  WHY??  And why wear a fake mustache in the dugout?  And why have a voice like a Muppet?  And why claim that you invented the sandwich wrap?  And why piss on my aunt when you dated her in 1968?  And why deny that indeed you did piss on my aunt?  And why take out a restraining order against me after my drunken claims that Bobby Valentine pissed on my aunt?  WHY, Bobby?!?!?!

 

The Paterno family is going to conduct their own report, reviewing the Freeh Report, which stated that Joe Paterno, among others in positions of power at Penn State, covered up the fact that former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was a pedophile.  Move on, Paterno’s.  So your old man hid the fact that his right-hand guy liked to fuck under-privileged kids…we ALL make mistakes…

EGADS, but not THOSE kind of sick, fucking mistakes!!!!  Damn, Joe Pa was one shitty old person!!!  Good luck, Paterno’s…you’re gonna need it, you in-denial assholes!!!!!

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Atlanta Braves pitcher Ben Sheets…who was out of Major League Baseball for two years before coming back and beating the Mets yesterday- 6 to 1.  Congrats, Ben.  It reminds me of the one time I retired from Wiffle Ball for three years, only to return and hit a home run my first game back.  OK, fine.  I didn’t retire really…I was force-ably asked to stop playing (i.e. suspended) after I blew up a particular Wiffle Ball umpire’s car.  It wasn’t because he made a bad call.  It was because I found out that my girlfriend at the time gave him a hand job.  You’re goin’ down, blue!!!!!!

See ya tomorry, cuddle pals!

-Dave (7/16/12)