Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Barkley to Kobe- “The Dream Team would take the heads of each player from your team and squarely shit on them. Fin.” (7/12/12)

 

It’s your July Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and after Kobe Bryant said that he believes this year’s Olympic basketball team would beat the 1992 Dream Team, Charles Barkley laughed it off…saying that the Dream Team would win by at least ten points.  Ouch.  Personally, I agree with Kobe.  I think Tyson “I Can’t Make A Layup” Chandler would crush David Robinson and Patrick Ewing.  And I’m sure Andre “I Kind Of Suck” Iguodala would just destroy Karl Malone and Barkley.  And I’d be really willing to bet that James “I Don’t Even Start On My Regular Team” Harden would soundly defeat Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and a guy named Michael FUCKING Jordan!!!  Pull your God-Damned head out of your ass, Kobe!!!!!  And once you do pull your head out of your ass, you should audition for the Jim Rose Circus as “The Black Mamba Contortionist” where you could make tens of dollars on the freak show circuit!!  Just don’t get to close to “The Enigma”…he’ll eat you alive!!!  Hahahahaha!!!

 

The Freeh Report, the investigative document regarding Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State child sex abuse scandal, has just been released.  In it, former FBI director Louis Freeh says that Joe Paterno, among others, “failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade.”  Sounds like a cover-up to me!!  And cover-ups are always as bad (and sometimes worse) as the crime itself.  From Watergate to Monica Lewinsky to the time I tried to hide the fact that I accidentally killed my pet hamster when I was eight because of foolishly thinking I could teach him to swim.  He died of pneumonia shortly after the back-stroke lesson.  Then, rather than telling my parents that Chubby (that was his name) was dead, I simply put him in my brother’s fish tank…thinking that he would look like was of those fish tank decorations, like a deep sea diver or sunken treasure chest.  Little did I know that dead hamsters float…and that, when opening the top of his tank to feed his fish one afternoon, my brother instead would be terrifyingly treated to a deceased, water-logged Chubby staring at him with frozen, dead, hamster eyes.

 

The ESPY awards were last night.  And in an editorial note from your humble and eloquent author…

Who gives a FUCK?!?!?!

 

Since yesterday is the only day of the year where you get no professional baseball, football, basketball, or hockey…there will be NO Davey Mac Player of the Day given out.  Instead, I am going to eat my cheese steak and peruse YouJizz.com for a porn scene with a fat secretary in it.  Just something I’m into lately.  Peace.

-Dave (7/12/12)