It’s your July Third Davey Mac Sports Report and after years of shitting all over the New Jersey Turnpike, the now-Brooklyn Nets are looking like players in the East. First, they’ve traded for six-time All-Star Joe Johnson. Secondly, they are close to re-signing one of the best point guards in the NBA, Deron Williams. And now, we have reports that the Nets are interested in acquiring Dwight Howard from the Magic. Wow. I haven’t seen a basketball team improve this much upon leaving Jersey for New York since the Newark Crack-Smokers became the Harlem Globetrotters. It was before their point guard changed his name to “Curly Neal” from “Shakey Withdrawal”. And it was before the Trotters were on Scooby-Doo; yet instead appeared on Yogi Bear where they ended up stabbing Park Ranger Smith and taking his hat. Play ball!!!
Tony LaRussa, who will be managing this year’s N.L. All Star team, has gotten some shit from Reds manager Dusty Baker who thinks LaRussa didn’t choose a couple of his players because of a brawl between the Reds and Cardinals two years ago. LaRussa denies this, saying: “The comments Dusty made clearly disappoint me and are attacking my integrity. After all, I’m a man who battled and defeated SHINGLES for fuck’s sake!!! How many people, besides sailors, medieval serfs, and 17th century whores, even GET Shingles in the first place?!?! Well, I did!! And I fucked Shingles right in the ass!!!! Yeeeeehhhaaaww!!! This has been Tony LaRussa, for the Shingles Show, saying good-night, Shing-bots!!!”
Andy Murray has advanced to the Wimbledon quarterfinals for the fifth consecutive year. Let me give you a Davey Mac Prediction right here and now: for the fifth straight year this choking limey will yet again LOSE, failing to become the first Englishman to win a Wimbledon championship since 1936. Every year it’s the same- Murray gets far in the tournament, the British people get all excited, London puts billboards up…and he takes a big, steamy shit right on Centre Court. And then he picks up the shit with little white gloves on, walks over to the Queen’s box, and shoves it right into her old, melting face. Finally, he declares publicly that he is now “King Murray, Lord of the Shite”…and exits.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Thomas Jefferson for writing the Declaration of Independence. Since I have tomorrow off, there will be no Sports Report (also this week’s podcast will be on THURSDAY), which means I need to say my “Happy July Fourth” today. So…Happy Fucking July Fourth, Dave Pound!!! And remember, Thomas Jefferson was a red-head!!! See?? We’re not all freakish assholes like Carrot Top and Eric Stoltz!! Some of us are decent human beings!!!! Have a great Fourth!!!
- Dave (7/3/12)