It’s your January Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and we have our Super Bowl, ladies and gentlemen. Ravens head coach John Harbaugh will meet his brother, 49′ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, in the greatest battle between siblings since Mario and Luigi fought in the notorious Hell In The Cell Match in Wrestlemania XVIII. As you may recall, Luigi was tossed off of the top of the cell, and crashed to his death twenty feet below. I know what you’re saying, “But since then Nintendo has put out TWO Mario Galaxy games that have Luigi in them.” Well, don’t be fooled, friends. Like an imposter Paul McCartney before him, that is a fake Luigi. A lookalike…and fraud. Both he AND Sir Paul have been buried next to each other in a cemetery in France. I know what you’re also saying, “David, it seems like your writing today’s Sports Report under the influence of some kind of drug.” And if you DID state that, you’d be wrong. I am under the influence of MANY kinds of drugs right now. Some prescribed. Some not. It’s fun to mix Flouxetine with low-grade acid and sit at your computer with no pants on…writing shit…and pouring warm jelly on privates. You should try it sometime.
Anyway, the 49′ers beat a Falcons team that had a 17 to nothing lead in the first half (and 24 to 14 at half-time), by the final score of 28 – 24. Can we now officially declare the city of Atlanta as the most over-hyped sports city of all time? The Braves only won one World Series…the Hawks never get anywhere…and now the Falcons are OFFICIALLY choke-heads. Fuck it, let’s just designate Atlanta the most over-hyped city in general!!! Ludacris is entirely over-rated!! Get out the way?!?! How about, “Suck my dick!!!” And Gone With The Wind couldn’t be a more boring movie!!! Citizen Kane it is NOT!! “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn”?! More like “Frankly, Scarlet, suck my dick!!!” Hey, Atlanta, FUCK YOU!!!
Meanwhile the Ravens bull-dozed Tom Brady and the Patriots in an impressive 28 to 13 victory. I knew the Patriots were fucked once CBS cut to a shot of Ray Lewis during “The Star-Spangled Banner”, intensely and insanely crying like Cheswick after his cigarettes were taken away from him in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Ray Lewis is a sick man…and the only thing that intimidates other professional football players is SICK, disturbed, psychopathic men. Tom Brady should have just given Ray his fucking cigarettes already!!! Afterall, they’re HIS fucking cigarettes, Tom!! And he clearly wants them!!! Aw, fuck it.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Samuel L. Jackson. I finally saw Django Unchained over the weekend and while ALL of the actors delivered great performances, for my money, Sam Jackson stole the fucking show!! The winner of the DMPD receives an invitation to Dave’s house for a six-hour dinner where the winner MUST talk about Quentin Tarantino movies to Dave or the winner will be fed to wild animals. Congrats, Samuel!
See you tomorrow, peeps!