…we shall discuss some other topics. Why, you ask. Because not a ton happened last night in the sports world, and also I have a case of the shitties like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe it was something I ate…I should probably not devour rancid meat at 3 o’clock in the morning, but what can I say, I was high as shit, dogsies, and I hate wasting food.
Anyway, do you see that puppet up there? He’s brand new. My wife gave him to me. I’ve named him Floyd because he kind of reminds me of a 1970′s version of Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason. Why I didn’t name him Nick or Mason is just one of those mysteries that can only be explained by a 35-year-old red-headed man naming his puppets while on mushrooms.
Is this coming off Larry King-like? He has those weird, rambling articles in USA Today and sometimes I feel that while he is at his type-writer, putting down his demented thoughts on paper, that Larry is having some kind of old man seizure that prevents him from making sense. I’d like to take Larry out to lunch one day and then skip out on the bill. Face, Larry, you got suckered again.
The MLB Network has this new reality show, called The Next Knuckler, where former Red Sock Tim Wakefield tries to teach former quarterbacks (most of them from the collegiate level) the knuckle ball. Included as a contestant is Doug Flutie. I’ve watched three episodes thus far and my main thought is- “I wish that my dick was two inches larger.” Not that that has anything to do with the show…my mind just races like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys when I’m watching reality TV with no underwear on.
Not only does my dog snore, but she farts, too. It’s like living with a Pomeranian Homer Simpson, only not as intelligent. Dogs are great…when they’re not biting your ankle because you scolded at them for “being a loser and not having a job.” Bitch.
When I was little I used to think that Yogi Bear played for the Yankees. I’m sure many kids made this same mistake…the problem is…I believed that a cartoon bear caught for the Yanks until I was 32. I need to stop doing Whip-Its.
Idea: on the success of Dr. Dre’s Beats head-phones, I’d like to design a pair of ear buds that look like little fingers. So when you’re listening to music, it looks like you are sticking fingers in your ears. I came up with this invention while on acid, by the way.
I’m gonna go now…I feel faint…maybe because all that I’ve eaten today has been two viles of my own semen.