Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 20)

  I'm starting to get excited for Thanksgiving!  How about you?

a.) The only thing that gets ME excited, Dave Man, is when I force my pet rabbits to suck each other off while I film it and then post it on BunnyPorn.com!!! (28%)

b.) Thanksgiving does not get me very excited, David.  Too many potato dishes.  I prefer eating a bowl full of cum. (22%)

c.) Fuck YEAH I'm excited, Davey Mac!!!  I'm gonna bring my special home-made LSD-infused pumpkin pie to my Aunt Terry's house and watch as she gets so fucking screwed up that she tries to fuck herself with a piece of squash again!!!  Partaaaay!!! (26%)

d.) I can't wait for this glorious holiday of family, food, farts, fuck-toys, and finger-cuffs!!  We give thanks!! (24%)

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 19)

  I have the Monday blues.  How about you?

a.) I ain't sad at all, Dave Man!!  I just got my mail-order Fartccordion (an accordion that plays fart noises) delivered to me and I couldn't be happier!!  I'm gonna play the "Fart-Spangled Banner" right now!! (24%)

b.) I feel a little down, too, David.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone up to the roof with my grandpa and pushed him down the chimney, so as to test it out for Santa. (25%)

c.) I feel GRRRRREAT, Davey Mac!!  I've just had a relaxing weekend with the Trix rabbit...just he and me...oh yeahhhhhh...it was niiiiice...what?  Why are you looking at me like that?  We're just FRIENDS...heh...um...I ggggotta go! - Tony the Tiger (26%)

d.) I feel a little depressed, but that's because my swimming dog that I keep in the pool ate one of my legs and it turns out that my dog has in fact been a shark this whole time!  Shit!! (25%)

The Davey Mac- LIVE like a cheap steak on Sirius XM on Saturday!! Be there!!

 

The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, dogsies, and we want YOU there with us!!  Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the show that Steven Spielberg said is "WAY fucking funnier than Schindler's List!!"   Topics for the program may include:

* America's most famous stuntmen, the Dunhill Brothers (Art & Bart), discuss the time Art took a piece of barbed-wire and shoved it down Bart's cock-hole even though there were no camera around

* Ryan Seacrest- why we're pretty sure he's an alien-lizard

* Converse sneakers- they can be more fun to jerk off into than you think!

* Soul Singer Antoine Coolidge performs his sexy new hit- "Ladies, I Just Want To Put The Dick In The Ass And Then From The Ass Into The Mouth And Then I Want Some Cookies And A Glass Of Milk"

* CNBC analyst, Ralph Chundler, talks about his new book- "I Make My Money Trafficking Drugs Into The Country From Columbia...Also I Own Six To Eight South American Sex Slaves"

* And the new Mayor of Las Vegas, Chi Chi Vansuarez, discusses his memoir- "My Dick Hurts"

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM!!!

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 16)

  It's Friday!  What do you have planned for this evening?

a.) I'm gonna paint the town red, Davey Mac!!  I've loaded large dildos into all THREE of my shotguns and the first big-mouthed, elderly woman I see...well...BLAMMO!!! (27%)

b.) I think I will have a nice, quiet night at home, David.  Just me, my pet turtle Alphonse, and my sister's skin...which I have removed from her dead body in order to make an indoor, human, Slip-N-Slide. (26%)

c.) Davey Mac, tonight is gonna ROCK!!  I've just glued my poodles' heads together in an attempt to make the first Siamese Dog!!  I'm so fuckin' drunk!! (24%)

d.) I just hope I can refrain from putting another fire-cracker up my ass. (23%)

This week's online show is now available and it's better than a sex-fest with fat people!!!

 

SHIT YEAH, dogsie!!!  This week's extraordinary Davey Mac Sports Program is now up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Download it for FREE and subscribe!!  Dave, Pepper, Sean O, and Roy Shaffer discuss the new hit radio show- Bob & Feces In The Morning!  Dave reveals a shocking confession about Jimmy Buffet!!  A fist fight occurs that escalates into a beer bottle brawl that turns into Butt Battle that evolves into a Jizz Joust!!  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the shit!!  Peace!!!

(Below is a press photo for Bob & Feces In The Morning)

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 15)

  Do you go out shopping/"sales-hunting" on Black Friday?

a.) Fuck NO, Dave Man!!  The only things I go huntin' for are illegals, dag-nabbit!!  Hold on a second!!  I think I see two Canadian rascals tryin' to cross our God-Damn border as we speak!!  Where's my rifle?!  Bang-bang!! (24%)

b.) I don't really enjoy going outside, David.  I prefer staying indoors, taking some nails, and hammering my penis into a wooden board. (26%)

c.) I LOVE Black Friday, Davey Mac!!  I get all minstreled-up a la Ted Danson at Whoopi Goldberg's roast and fucking take some matches and---oh.  Your Black Friday and MY Black Friday are probably two separate days...nevermind. (24%)

d.) Sometimes when I shop I enjoy farting on the cash register. (26%)

Davey Mac & The Merry Homies are LIVE tonight on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern! Be there, friendies!

  Ooooh FUCK yeah!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is LIVE tonight on The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!!  And we want YOU there with us!!  The tickle-fucks begin at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!

Join "East Side" Dave- The Man Who Touches Small Animals (Sometimes Inappropriately)

Chris "Pepper Stanley- The Guy Who Eats Bad Food And Has Poisonous Gas In His Tush

Sean O- The Homey Who Draws Penises On Bathroom Walls

Roy Shaffer- The Dude Who Is Rumored To Have Committed 17 War Crimes In A War That Hasn't Happened Yet

See you on Ustream TONIGHT!!!

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 14)

  I can't believe Thanksgiving is NEXT Thursday!

a.) Shit, I can't believe you even know how a calendar works, Dave Man, you cave-dwelling, pagan dick-nose!! (25%)

b.) I agree, David.  Thanksgiving is here way too fast this year.  I mean, I haven't even begun my Thanksgiving ritual of buying a big, beautiful turkey, cooking it perfectly, then shooting it full of jizz, bringing it over to my in-laws' house, and telling everyone to "dig in."  I really am behind this Thanksgiving, David. (24%)

c.) I can't believe it's that time of year again where I get overly drunk, punch my dad during the Lions' game, throw a pumpkin pie at the dog, burn down the garage, and fart in the cop car as I'm being driven "away"!!! (25%)

d.) I CAN believe Thanksgiving is next Thursday.  I CANNOT believe my penis hasn't fallen off after I stuck in a 1790's French guillotine. (26%)

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 13)

  Who is your favorite boy band of all time? (Pictures below.)

a.) New Kids On The Block (15%)

b.) NSync (13%)

c.) The Farties (22%)

d.) The Pedophile Gang (24%)

e.) Dick Town (26%)

A LOT of shit is going on in East Side Dave Country!!! Let me tell you about some of it!!

 

Hi, homies!!  First of all, this past Saturday's evil episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio should be available later today in the Sirius XM On-Demand section!!  Check it out!!  We fuck the shit out of Satellite Radio and then take the shit that we've just fucked out and shove it back into Satellite Radio's mouth and then fuck that shit out of Satellite Radio AGAIN!!!

Also, I really have to fart!

AND, as we reported earlier, a brand new spinoff site dedicated to my band, The Cuertos (aka the "Best Band Ever" aka "The Most Magnificent Group In The Universe" aka "The Biggest Collection Of Delusional, Drunken Individuals In America") is now up!!  Go to TheCuertos.com for the music magic!!

Also, I just farted and I think a little bit of shitties came out!

AND, we have recorded and submitted a new episode of our killer podcast dedicated entirely to movies- The Watchers- to iTunes!  If you are a subscriber to The Watchers, the show is NOW available!  Don't be confused by the "Preview Section" on iTunes (which does NOT have the November episode listed), because iTunes is currently FUCKED UP!!  But again, it IS available if you subscribe!!  So do it!!  It's FREE already!!

Also, I just puked a little when I looked down and saw shitties dripping from my leg!

And lastly, the greatest piece of American journalism, The Davey Mac Sports Report, is also BACK, having returned from all this hurricane/nor'easter/blizzard bullshit!!  Read it here on East Side Dave Country in the Sports Section!!!

Also, I just jizzed a little from all this poo and vomit talk!!

Anyway, it's good to be back!!  Talk later!!

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Nov. 12)

  We're back!!!  After a mother-fucking two week nightmarish run in New Jersey of a devastating hurricane, widespread power outages, gas shortages, an earthquake, and a fucking nor-'easter/snowstorm, we are BACK!!!  Are you excited?

a.) I never thought I'd say this, Dave Man, but I AM excited!  But not because the Dave Poll is back.  Rather, I've gotten my hands on naked pictures of Drew Carey!! Meeeeeooowww!!! (24%)

b.) I don't really get excited by much, David.  Except that one time when my grandmother died and I cut off her skin and knitted it together to make myself a "grandma blanket" for the winter.  I was excited by that, David. (25%)

c.) Wooooo-hoooo!!!  I sure as shit AM excited by the polls coming back, Davey Mac!!  And to celebrate their return, I'm gonna find the first Canadian I see and shove a cactus needle into his dick-hole!!!  Yeeeehhaaawww!!! (26%)

d.) "I am very excited, Dave, and I plan to---AHHHHHHHH!!!  Oh the pain!!  The PAAAAAIIINNN!!!!"      - recent quote from a Canadian (25%)

TheCuertos.com is now up! Watch and listen to the musical geniuses- The Cuertos!

 

Fuck yeah!  New Jersey's, America's, and the Planet Earth's "Greatest Rock Band Ever", The Cuertos, now have their very own, exclusive website...conveniently named TheCuertos.com!!!  Join lead vocalist extraordinaire and brilliant drummer Davey Mac, exquisite lead guitarist and Phillies fan Jeffrey Danger, and fabulous keyboard and guitar player and smoker Jason Ruffian, for the most wonderful musical experience of your fucking life!!  Go to the TheCuertos.com right now!!!  Peace!!

The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) returns THURDAY! November 8th! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern on Ustream!!

 

Fuck yeah!!  After the bullshit break imposed by the cum-slut which was Hurricane Sandy, the Davey Mac Sports Program returns LIVE on THURSDAY on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Join us!!  PLUS, the Sports Report returns next week!!  PLUS, PLUS, the Davey Mac XL show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio is BACK, this Saturday on Sirius 206, XM 105 at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  We're back, baby!!  And we're better than ever!!  Peace!!

-Dave (11/8/12)

The Davey Mac Sports Report will be on indefinite leave because Hurricane Sandy was a Cum-Slut!

 

Yes, sirs and madams!  I deeply regret to inform you that because of this whore Hurricane Sandy, the Davey Mac Sports Report will be on indefinite leave.  New Jersey is still a Hell-Hole and all of my energy is going to finding out and reporting information for the station that I host my morning show on- WBJB 90.5 The Night.  I need to be both Woodward AND Bernstien on this shit!!  Apologies!  However, we ARE gonna do our best to do the Davey Mac Sports Program (online AND Sirius XM versions) this week!  So at least we fucking have THAT!!  Anyway, I hope Hurricane Sandy tries to come back to New Jersey and our state puts her on a fucking pinball machine and rapes the piss out of her a la Jodie Foster in The Accused.  For older reports, visit the the Sports Report Archive!!  Peace!!

-Dave (11/5/12)

Hurricane Sandy is a Weather Slut-Pig!!

 

FUCK Hurricane Sandy!!  And fuck anyone named Sandy!!  My family and I are starving our faces off, and cold, and without power, and we blame YOU, Sandy Koufax!!  And YOU Sandy Alomar!!  And ESPECIALLY YOU, Sandy Duncan, you glass-eyed freak!!  Fuck YOU!!  Anyway, there are no Davey Mac Sports Reports and new podcasts this week.  We will try to do the Saturday show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio; but we don't even know if we can get from New Jersey to New York City!!  Anyway, we should be back next week, so keep popping by!!  Thanks, homies!!  By the way, today is my birthday...and what a real Happy FUCKING Birthday it is!!!  You're DEAD, Sandy Duncan!!  You hear me?!?!  DEAD!!!

-Dave (11/1/12)

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Oct. 26)

  What are we going to do this weekend?

a.) What do you mean "we", Dave Man?!  I wouldn't hang out with you if you were the last, adult, red-headed, bed-wetting, nearly-retarded, sociopath who farts in his sleep on Earth, you fucking creep!!! (23%)

b.) I thought we'd have a nice night...just you and I, David...staying in...wearing each other's semen on our faces...together...bonded in bliss...our Cum Masks sparkling in the moonlight... (26%)

c.) I say you come to my house and PARTAY, Davey Mac!!  We'll get some beer, and liquor, and pot, and coke, and acid, and anthrax, and cyanide, and poisonous darts, and rabbits with rabies, and old-timey 1800's prostitutes with soars on their mouths, and a nuclear bomb and we'll have a fucking ball!!!  Yeeeeeeeoooooww!! (27%)

d.) I can't go anywhere until I find my keys and my jar of of feces, Dave, and you know that!!! (24%)\

This week's EPIC HALLOWEEN Davey Mac Special is now available!! Take a listen!!

  Ooooooooooooh, FUCK YEAH!!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program Halloween Special (online version) is NOW up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Download this shit for FREE and enjoy!!  We talk about the Evil World Series!!  We sing Bloody Halloween Carols!!  We discuss the Spooky Lance Armstrong!!  We sacrifice a live cat and drink its blood!!  We confess several Scary Crimes!!  We murder the janitor who mistakenly enters the studio during a live broadcast!!  Then we chop up his body parts and mail them back to his impoverished family in Cuba with a hand-written note attached that says "Look at what happened to Papi."  Join Davey Mac, Pepper, Sean O & Roy Shaffer as they Halloween the fuck out of your ass!!!  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes...and remember to catch our show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, Saturday on The Opie & Anthony Channel at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific...IF you're not too afraid...muhahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Oct. 25)

  How are you feeling today?

a.) I feel GREAT, Dave Man!!  I just came back from the County Fair where my dog Chumpy won the blue ribbon for "Biggest Dog Dick"!!  I just knew he'd do it!!  And you know what Chumpy's gonna get for his win?!  That's right- a nice, hand-job from yours truly!!  Good dog, Chumpy! (24%)

b.) My day is not very good, David.  I just found out that sticking porcupine needles in your dick-hole is a very painful enterprise...oh well...(23%)

c.) Shhhh!!!!  I'd tell you how I was feeling, Davey Mac, but I can't talk right now!!  I'm hiding under my bed from the cops!!  Apparently spraying feces that you've liquified and loaded into a Super Soaker at children waiting at a school bus stop is a crime these days!!!  Shhhhh!!! (26%)

d.) I'll be feeling a lot better after I blow up (name extracted for legal reasons)'s fucking car with dynamite and (act extracted for legal reasons) in her fucking (body part extracted for creepy reasons), the fucking (sexist slur extracted for taste reasons). (27%)

The Dave Man and the Mother-Fuckers are LIVE TONIGHT on Ustream!!! Be there!!!

  Shit yes!!  You got that fucking headline right!!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program ("The show I most enjoy jerking off to!" - Maury Povich) is LIVE this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Watch David, Pepper, Sean O, and Roy Shaffer in the "show I most prefer listening to while I put carrots in my vagina!" - Connie Chung.  It's the program that has been heralded as "the greatest thing I've ever seen since Connie's carrot trick!" - Maury Povich.  On this week's episode watch a special guest "slam Maury over the head with one of his own dildo's!" - Connie Chung.  We'll see you homies this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Peace!!

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll of the Day- Oct. 24)

  I have an audition with MTV today.  Wish me luck!

a.) Good luck, Dave Man!  I'm sure you'll nail it...meaning that you'll probably end up taking out a hammer and nailing your dick to a Real World sign.  Peace!! (24%)

b.) Well, I'd say "Good luck", David, but I don't watch MTV.  In fact, I don't watch television in general.  I do, on the other hand, hand-knit quilts made from flesh that I've personally ripped off old people's faces. (23%)

c.) Break a leg, Davey Mac!!  Seriously!!  I need the fucking money!!  -Dr. Joseph Broke, struggling orthopedist (27%)

d.) Whatever you do, Dave, make SURE that you don't cum on Snooki's head!!!  That's a lawsuit waiting to happen!! (26%)