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I saw Moonrise Kingdom yesterday. I think I'm gonna see Brave today. I'm on a real movie kick. What should I see next?
a.) The Poopinators! starring Glenn Gurky (24%)
b.) Dick 'N' Cock Musical with the cast of the hit TV show Cum (25%)
c.) Tic-Tacs: the Movie (25%)
d.) Allister MacElroy & The Mummy's Fart (26%)
Who is the best weather man?
a.) Al Roker of the Today Show (23%)
b.) Snotty Charles of Good Morning, Homeless America (26%)
c.) Doug Chicken of the Meth 'N' Friends Morning Show (24%)
d.) "Camel" Keith Jerkle of the I Look Like An Animal Program (27%)
I just ate a whole cheese-steak sub and followed it up by eating a half cheese-steak sub. That is all.
a.) I should begin preparing for shit-time. (25%)
b.) Maybe I have an alien living in my stomach who enjoys deli food. (25%)
c.) I feed myself cheese-steaks to get over the guilt of having called a duck I saw the other day "an asshole." (25%)
d.) I'd rather eat cheese-steaks than farts. (25%)
Fuckin' A, peeps!!! Our first ever show on RiotCast.com is now available and ready to go!!! Listen to it through RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!! If you're already a subscriber, nothing changes!!! If you haven't subscribed yet, please do so!!!! Have fun!! Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac to check out our page!!! Enjoy!!! Suck it!!! Fuck it!!! Play with it!!! Touch the doggie!!! Feel the froggie!!! Make a poop necklace!!! And give it to your neighbor!!! Get in a car chase with the police!!! Faster!!! FASTER!!!! They're fuckin' gaining, man!!!! Better get off the express way!!!! What the fuck are you doing?!?!?! I said STAY on the express way!!! You just got us fucked!!!! SHIT!!!!! I'm bailin'!!!! See you in Hell!!!!!
I think I may have hit a rabbit with my car on my way in to work.
a.) Serves that little furry fucker right for all the times he fucked with Daffy. (23%)
b.) You're going to Hell, David. Not so much for running over the bunny, but because you immediately masturbated afterwards while thinking about it. (25%)
c.) It's the Circle of Life, Dave. Just like the time my great-uncle passed away in his sleep and we let our dogs eat him. That was one fucked up day. (25%)
e.) I hate all bunnies because my, quote, "LUCKY rabbit's foot," unquote, still hasn't paid off. Yesterday, while washing my motorcycle, some kid shot me in the ass with a water gun. So I kicked him in the knee and spiked a football on his head. And they thew ME in jail!!! Pretty God-Damn UN-lucky if you ask me!! Fuck you, rabbits!!!! (27%)
I ate no less than 35 pieces of shrimp yesterday. And yet...I have NO stomach pains today whatsoever.
a.) Maybe I should join the competitive eating circuit and crush those assholes in the shrimp contest. Then, when I'm the champion, I'm gonna pull my pants down and shit the shrimp right on Joey Chestnut's and Kobayashi's now second and third-place fucking heads!!! Face!! (26%)
b.) Maybe I'll follow the lead of that retarded asshole Forrest Gump and become a shrimp boat captain. Hey Forrest, move out of my way, Lieutenant DAVE is the new shrimping sheriff in town, retard!!!! (24%)
c.) Maybe all the years of drinking gasoline and White Out have finally paid off! Yay! Fart! (23%)
d.) Maybe I'm some new kind of seafood super-hero: Shrimp Man. Hopefully the mayor will give me a key to the city. Then I can jerk off in every public library that the city has to offer!!!! (27%)
Fuckin' A!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program has joined RiotCast.com, one of the premier podcasting networks in America, and we couldn't be happier!!! If you are already a subscriber to our show, don't worry, nothing will change- we still use the same iTunes link!! Overall, it'll still be the same Davey Mac show that you know and love- except we promise 25% more jizz and 35% less farts!!!! And THAT'S a promise!!! Join us this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the show, LIVE on Ustream!! Just go to our RiotCast.com link and watch the tickling!! And thank you for subscribing!!! Now if you'll excuse us, we have to jerk off!! See you tonight!!
I'm gonna see Roger Waters perform The Wall tonight in Yankee Stadium!!! How awesome will this be?
a.) So awesome that David will eat a pot brownie, kick up his feet, and fart out the wonderful chocolate-cannabis while grinning from ear to ear! (24%)
b.) It's gonna be more awesome than the time Dave threw a jelly doughnut at Pink Floyd keyboardist Richard Wright. Three days later, Wright was dead. (25%)
c.) This is gonna be as awesome as the day Davey Mac spiked Floyd founder Syd Barrett's breakfast orange juice with a beaker full of acid. Barrett would soon go insane. (25%)
d.) The only way this would be even more awesome is if Derek Jeter comes out during "Comfortably Numb" and his head turns into a giant, floating, pig balloon. (26%)
Yeeehhaawww!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE and fuckin' your dick on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! Just tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for the slut-touching fun!!! We're gonna rock it, sock it, chop it, and slop it!! We shall raise our fists high in the air and destroy that which is Satellite Radio!! Then we'll wipe the sweat off of our asses...and do it again!!!! Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!! Topics for the show shall include but are not limited to:
* Jerking off- why it shouldn't be done while waiting on line in Dairy Queen
* Pete Rose- he sort of looks like a hamster
* Celebrity Chef Clay LeFever discusses his new hit Parisian restaurant- LeJizz Fuk
* Media Critic Thomas Bunk talks about his new book- I Jerk Off When Watching SpongeBob SquarePants
* English people- we round up four of them and yell at 'em to "stop talkin' funny!"
* Elephants- the big, fat pussies of the animal kingdom
* Celebrity Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Timothy Feelie, promotes his new reality show- Your Face, My Anesthesia, Your Clothes Off, Wow I Can't Believe I'm Fucking Joan Rivers
* And America's favorite plummer, Buck Walters, performs his famous "Magical Shit Ballet"
See you on Saturday on Sirius 206, XM 105, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL...LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Peace!!!!
That's right, kickies!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program rocks the shit LIVE on Ustream this evening at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!! Join us!! Just go to The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream for the fuckles and suckles!!! We're gonna crush this show harder than a dick crushes an ant hill. And then the ant hill explodes and all the ants get mad and crawl up the dick and into the dick-hole. And pretty soon you're pissing and jizzing ants all the time. Shit, man. See you tonight. The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream
We went to the fireworks in Asbury Park last night...
a.) ...and my children were confused as to which booming noises were the sounds from the fireworks and which were the sounds from gunshots. (24%)
b.) ...and I shit myself a little from drinking 18 Budweisers the night before. Not to worry, I went in my friend's pool afterwards to get "cleaned up." (27%)
c.) ...and my wife threw a hot dog at my head for telling our kids that "this is probably what Vietnam looked like. By the way, kids, you've just been drafted by the U.S. military and you'll be heading into the shit in 'Nam in three weeks." (23%)
d.) ...and I passed out (with reverence) on an American flag. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!! (26%)
Tomorrow is July 4th- Independence Day! How are you going to celebrate?
a.) I'm gonna light some sparklers and hop around until the police arrest me for having illegal fireworks while drunk and nude and having an outstanding warrant for blowing up my neighbor's car. (24%)
b.) I'll sing America's greatest song: "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic!! Bless the U.S.A.!!! (25%)
c.) I think I'll watch a historical and patriotic movie...like Meatballs...or Schindler's List...now that I think about it, I'm not sure I know much about America. (25%)
d.) I'm gonna dress up like Thomas Jefferson and jerk off in the park! (26%)
It's 95 degrees AND there currently is a water advisory (because of a broken water main) in New Jersey. We have to boil water like a bunch of assholes.
a.) That's 'cause everyone from Jersey IS a bunch off assholes, Dave!! SNAPPAGE!!! (21%)
b.) I hate boiling things, David. Water, potatoes, dicks...I just hate it...you know what? Forget about that last item I listed. There's no reason you should have heard that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some boiled dicks that are almost ready. Avoir. (25%)
c.) Only drink bottled water on days like this, Davey. Also, make sure you DON'T slip and fuck a monkey in the ass. And stay hydrated!! And DON'T fuck that monkey...no matter how much you are tempted!!!! (26%)
d.) Fuck it, Diddy Mac. I'm not boiling any water AND I'm drinking straight out of the tap and why are my fingernails suddenly falling off and how come my hair is coming out and oh shit I'm turning into The Fly!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! (28%)
Shit yes!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is back from vacation and LIVE on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!! It's gonna be more fun than letting a snake bite you in the groin!! Hell, now that we think about it, it should be WAY more fun than that!! Just tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 EST (4 Pacific) for the "most wonderful thing that has ever happened to my life since the Vietnam war." - Lieutenant Dan Taylor
Topics for the show shall include but are not limited to:
* Chocolate- it would be more appetizing if it wasn't the color of shit.
* Needles- you want to put them into your neighbor's ass when he falls asleep on your lawn. We'll give you the five east steps on how you can get away with it!
* Best-selling author Charles Wellington discusses his new memoir- "I Wish My Fingers Were Sausages And My Head Was A Big Pancake"
* Comedian Dickie Feathers performs his hilarious routine- "My ex-wife's body is under the porch, Officer."
* Falling down- why it hurts a lot less when you're drunk!
* Botanist Morris Teafome demonstrates how to fertilize flowers with jizz
* And minor league umpire Hank Chalk talks about his autobiography- "I've Forgotten How To Pee Standing Up"
See you guys Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!! Peace!!!
Today it is expected to be 99 degrees in New Jersey. What do you do to cool down on a really hot day?
a.) I like to consume some bath salts and then eat the faces off a few penguins. (24%)
b.) I sit in a giant tub of ice and fart 'till my heart's content! (25%)
c.) I prefer standing next to my friend Carbone in a meat truck...but if I have to the second half of "Layla" one more time, I'm gonna fucking shit!!! (26%)
d.) I call on my friend, Ice Pack Eddie, to come over to my house and put ice packs on me while he robs my living room. (25%)
Shit yes!! Davey Mac, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O returned this week to annihilate the world of entertainment with a show so great it made two blind people fart at the same time and gave one deaf man a bad case of herpes!! We discussed my Disney Trip, the NBA Finals, the Jerry Sandusky verdict, hiding a dead body, helping your friend hide a dead body, assisting your parents in hiding their neighbors' dead bodies, playing hide-n-seek with a dead body, playing seek-n-hide with a body dead, and the NBA draft. Just click on THIS LINK to hear the show!!! It's the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes!! And we'll see you on Saturday at 7 PM (EST), 4 Pacific, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!! Enjoy!!
I'm back from my kick-ass vacation to Disney World!! What do you think was my favorite ride there?
a.) Pirates of the Caribbean (18%)
b.) The Jizz-Eaters of the Atlantic (22%)
c.) FART-Coaster 2012! (19%)
d.) Twirl 'N' Vomit (21%)
e.) The Great Dick Ride (20%)
Yeah!! You know it!! We are stomping Disney World to the ground!! Booyah!! We have fucked up Zurg in the Buzz Lightyear ride!!
We have watched a bunch of animatronic hillbilly bears play in a jugband!!
We have fought medieval knights and sliced them in half like the primitive pussies they are!!
We have narrowly escaped with our lives when the Epcot Ball became unhinged and starting chasing us!!! We should sue!!!
And we have taken our shorts off in several locations!!!
The Sports Report returns on Thursday, the 28th!! And both Davey Sports Programs, on iTunes and LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, WILL be back on Wednesday and Saturday respectively!!! Walt Disney, let's fucking ROCK!!!!
See you later, Dave Pound!!!
-Dave (6/23/12)
The Davey Mac Sports Report goes on hiatus until Thursday, June 28th, because Davey Mac will be at Disney World, vacationing with his family!! In the meantime, you can get your fix of the Sports Report in the archive section!!
This is my first time going there, so I don’t know what to expect!! Other places that I have never been to include:
* Pretzel Land
* the dentist
* Planet Jizz
Anyway, I guarantee that my family has a great time at Disney World…that is…until I get detained by Disney Security for drunkenly slapping Donald Duck in the face for “talking like an asshole.” Seriously, Donald has been in show business for almost eighty fucking years, at some point this stupid animal should think about fixing his speech impediment!!! Hell, look at the Dave Man. It only took him seven years (between the ages of 6 and 13) for Dave to learn how to properly say the letter “R”. And yes, in full disclosure, it took another eighteen years to adequately pronounce an “S”. And, fine, I still cannot say the letter “T”…which makes it very embarrassing for me when I attend Mr. T conventions.
And, sure, I still stutter from time to time, like I’m Billy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. And, yeah, like Billy, I have spent time in a “mental health facility”. And like Billy, I too enjoy hanging out with a large Native American man and a small Danny DeVito man.
But I’ve changed, dammit. I’ve evolved. I no longer kick children in the back of their legs and scream “Sneak attack!!” while doing it. I don’t fart into the bread basket anymore…then offer people a slice of Dave’s Secret Garlic Bread. Nor do I make fun of small animals behind their backs to my therapist. No. I’m a new man these days.
See? I now sit on very white floors where I concentrate to have a distinctly “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna touch you inappropriately” look. I also enjoy taking pictures like the one below that say, “Hey, I like shrubbery and staring up women’s skirts.”
Anyway, the Sports Report will return on Thursday, June 28th!! Go to the archive section if you’ve missed any!! AND the iTunes Davey Mac Sports Program and Davey Mac XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio will all be back the week of June 27th!!! See you homies later!! Check in to EastSideDaveCountry.com every once in a while for pics or shit that I’ll try to post from Disney World!! Peace!!
-Dave
Hi, dogsies!!! The Dave Man is going to Disney World tomorrow (6/19) until next Tuesday (the 26th)!! Thus, Davey Mac, Pepper, and friends will obviously not be doing the iTunes version of the Davey Mac Sports Program, nor the live show, Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, this week.
However, we WILL be back for BOTH shows next week!! In other words, the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes shall return Wednesday the 27th!!! And the XL show will be LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on Saturday, June 30th, at 7 PM (EST)!!!
Also, if you are a reader of the Sports Report, we will return on Thursday the 28th with the greatest journalism in America!!
And when we are back, we have some good news for those who listen to Davey Mac on iTunes- big things are in the works!!
It's a good time to be alive!!! I'm gonna go now and poop!! Maybe even do a little piss!! Shit, why not do BOTH, now that I think about it!!! See you guys later!! Check EastSideDaveCountry.com for any photos or shit that I may post from Disney World, especially pictures of me trying to slip Minnie Mouse some tongue!!! Adios, Davidos!!!
