Hello, friends and neighbors! This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports! Thanks, homies!
Fuck yeah!! After the bullshit break imposed by the cum-slut which was Hurricane Sandy, the Davey Mac Sports Program returns LIVE on THURSDAY on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!! Join us!! PLUS, the Sports Report returns next week!! PLUS, PLUS, the Davey Mac XL show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio is BACK, this Saturday on Sirius 206, XM 105 at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! We're back, baby!! And we're better than ever!! Peace!!
-Dave (11/8/12)
Yes, sirs and madams! I deeply regret to inform you that because of this whore Hurricane Sandy, the Davey Mac Sports Report will be on indefinite leave. New Jersey is still a Hell-Hole and all of my energy is going to finding out and reporting information for the station that I host my morning show on- WBJB 90.5 The Night. I need to be both Woodward AND Bernstien on this shit!! Apologies! However, we ARE gonna do our best to do the Davey Mac Sports Program (online AND Sirius XM versions) this week! So at least we fucking have THAT!! Anyway, I hope Hurricane Sandy tries to come back to New Jersey and our state puts her on a fucking pinball machine and rapes the piss out of her a la Jodie Foster in The Accused. For older reports, visit the the Sports Report Archive!! Peace!!
-Dave (11/5/12)
It’s your October Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Tigers are in some serious shit now, homies. The Giants beat Detroit in Game 2 of the World Series last night (2 to 0) and with the win have now taken a two games to none lead over the Tigers. AND, San Francisco has their two best pitchers going in Games 3 & 4. Yeah. The Tigers are definitely in some serious (as legendary porn director Jack Horner would say) doggy doo-doo. That Jack Horner- he had a way with words. I remember the time he eloquently told a young Dirk Diggler before one particularly difficult scene- “Cum on her tits, Dirk.” Fine direction indeed. And then there was the day he asked Becky Barnett why she needed to clean her vagina. Though Barnett answered succinctly (“You want it clean, don’t ya”), the point had been proven- Jack Horner was the Man In Charge. And they fucking knew it.
Meanwhile, the greatest closer of all time, Mariano Rivera, has informed the team that he is considering retirement. You better not fucking retire, Mo. I can’t live without ya, pal. Shit, Mo, I “consider” shoving my dick into a power-washer every time I see one…doesn’t mean I have to do it. I mean, I “consider” kid-napping Ryan Seacrest and shaving his pubic region live on YouTube…but I re-think my position. Damn, Mo, I often “consider” gluing a hand-gun to a monkey’s paw and then asking the monkey to shoot my landlord. But you haven’t seen anyone get shot in Asbury Park, New Jersey, have you? …OK, bad question…
In an NFL Players’ Poll conducted by Sports Illustrated, Jets starting QB Mark Sanchez was voted (along with Tony Romo) the second most over-rated player in the NFL. The most over-rated? Sanchez’s BACKUP- Tim Tebow. Wow!! Congrats, Jets!! Your shitty organization has TWO Quarterbacks in the Top 3!! Sure, it’s the Top 3 most over-rated players in the league, but who gives a fuck, right?!?! You grabbed some headlines!!! You have some people talking about you now!!! Who fucking cares if they’re chatting about you NEGATIVELY!!! It doesn’t fucking matter, right Jets!?!? You’s gots da Buzz, baby!!! Throw a fucking parade for yourselves now and give Rex Ryan another piece of mother-fuckin’ cake!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the ancient Egyptians who invented the calendar and thus the FUCKING WEEKEND. I gotta go get my highin’ on!! Peace!!
Have a great weekend, Dave Pound!! Listen to this week’s Davey Mac Halloween Special, now on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Peace!!
-Dave (10/26/12)
It’s your October Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Pablo Sandoval hit three fucking home runs last night in the Giants’ 8 to 3 victory over the Tigers in Game 1 of the World Series. The only other people to have done this include- the greatest player of all time and fat whore-fucker: Babe Ruth; Hall-of-Famer and King of Attempted Queen Assassinations: Reggie Jackson; and future Hall-of-Famer and “Man Whose Last Name Is Synonymous With Anus”: Albert Pujols (Poo-Holes). That’s some pretty damned prestigious company. This makes Sandoval officially the second greatest Pablo ever, only behind Pablo Escobar, six-time Drug Dealer of the Year (1983-88), thrice named “Scariest Man With A Porn Mustache”, and back-to-back “Oh, Fuck! It’s Pablo Escobar And He’s Got A Fucking Machete!” Award-winner.
Meanwhile, Tigers ace Justin Verlander was the guy tagged for two of those home runs yesterday; and ultimately was the losing pitcher for Detroit. Some baseball analysts have compared Verlander to Sandy Koufax but, quite honestly, I’ve never seen Koufax get fucked in the ass by a fat Venezuelan man who goes by the nick-name “Panda”. No. Now, I have seen Koufax get fucked in the ass by a three-foot Cuban midget named “Koala”. But you didn’t need to know that.
In non-baseball news, the New York Islanders will move their hockey team from Long Island to Brooklyn where they will share the Barclays Center with the Nets. That’s right- the Islanders have left Long Island. Somehwere in the distance, one can hear Eddie Money and Joey Buttafuoco crying, hugging, and then jerking each off.
Jets head coach Rex Ryan wants Dolphins running back Reggie Bush to apologize after Bush remarked of Jets All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis’ season-ending injury: “What goes around comes around.” Bam!!! I agree with Rex!! Those were some harsh fucking words!! I mean, they weren’t as severe as “A penny saved is a penny earned”!! Nor were they as disgusting as “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”!!! But still, “What goes around comes around” is FUCKING FIGHTING words!!! Apologize, Reggie, for the most NON-smack-talk smack-talk this journalist has ever fucking heard!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the aforementioned Pablo Sandoval. Congrats, Panda. Somewhere Babe Ruth is smiling down on you in Heaven and thinking, “I wish I could fuck Mary Magdalene just ONCE. Damn, she’s smokin’!!!”
We’ll see you dogsies this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!! Adios!!
-Dave (10/25/12)
It’s your October Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Ozzie Guillen has been FIRED after one season as manager of the Miami Marlins. The Marlins organization cites an “under-performing” team as the reason they gave Ozzie his walking papers. But in this journalist’s opinion, I believe Miami was just waiting to let Ozzie go after his Castro comments in a magazine interview. You may recall that Ozzie praised Castro for eluding assassination by the U.S. government. You may NOT recall that Guillen also said in another, obscure magazine article, “I betcha Castro has a big dick. I don’t know why, it’s just a feeling I have…I simply feel that Castro has a Pringles can in his pants. I wouldn’t mind checking it out. He’s still alive, right? Maybe I could go down to Cuba with a ruler and measure his cock. Is this off the record? Anyway, I’d jerk him off, if given the chance. Are you recording this? Anyway, I could see me, the guy from North Korea, and Castro in a circle jerk, just having a good ole’ time. You’re not writing this down are you? Anyway, I wouldn’t mind rubbing my beard on Castro’s beard while he sticks Twizzlers in my ass. Are…are you sure this is off the record? …Shit, man, I fucking hope so…”
Meanwhile, another fired jerk-face, Mr. Bobby Valentine, formerly of the Red Sox, decided to talk shit about David Ortiz on his way out the door in Boston. Valentine implied that Oritz quit on the team once they traded away some of their stars; feeling that the season is over. It’s an allegation that the Red Sox and Ortiz both vehemently deny. That’s a real smart move, Bobby V. Alienate EVERYONE, including the last people to give you a job, in baseball. Burn them fucking bridges, Bobby!! Brooklyn Bridge? Bobby just emptied an army tanker full of gasoline and lit a match!! Boom!!! Golden Gate Bridge? Bobby just got a case of Acme dynamite and—BAM!!! The London Bridge? Jesus Christ, Bobby, that fucking bridge isn’t even American don’t do i—BLAWB!!!!!! …damn, Bobby V, damn…
The World Series begins tonight. The Tigers take on the Giants in San Francisco for Game 1. My prediction- Tigers in 9. I know that that’s supposedly not “feasible” in a 7 game series, but if I can break into Matt Lauer’s house and take an Instagram pic of myself taking a shit in his bed, then ANYTHING’s possible, dogsie.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day, and this is kind of abstract, goes to the NBA center. That’s right. The great position that gave us Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, Kareem, Shaq, and on and on, will now no longer be recognized by the NBA All Star Game. The league has decided to replace the positions of center and two forwards with once inclusive (and ultimately meaningless) term, called “front-court.” This is mainly due to the fact that truly great centers are becoming extinct. And that is why the NBA should be ENCOURAGING more big men to play like conventional centers, rather than giving in to the misguided theory that old-school centers are out-dated. But will ya look at me? Six-plus sentences in to this paragraph and I haven’t made a joke or even a satirical comment yet. OK, ok…I’m gonna go outside and rape the first dog that I see. Then I’m gonna shove a Twinkie in my dick-hole. In retrospect, those aren’t really jokes as much as they are confessions. See ya.
See you homies tomorrow!! Programming Note- the Davey Mac Sports Program will be on Ustream THURSDAY at 7 PM EST!! NOT Wednesday!! THURSDAY! The show will then be uploaded to RiotCast.com and iTunes after the broadcast!! Thank you!!
-Dave (10/24/12)
It’s your October Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and the San Francisco Giants, down 3 games to 1 against the St. Louis Cardinals in the National League Championship Series, ran the mother-fucking table, finishing in a 9 to nothing Game 7 rout last night, and will now be going to the World Series. Good for San Francisco!! The city has been struggling to recoup ever since the shocking development of comedian Joey Gladstone choking out D.J. Tanner and her best friend Kimmy Gibbler and burying their bodies in the backyard of D.J.’s house (the bodies were discovered by a drunken, high individual, only known to neighbors as “Uncle Jessie”; who was also a suspect in the case). Good for you, San Francisco!! Rice-A-Roni may suck dicks, but at least your city doesn’t!!!! …What’s so funny?
Meanwhile, the Cardinals had their six elimination-game winning-streak snapped. I blame it all on Albert Pujols for leaving St. Louis in LeBron James-esque fashion, yet somehow not getting the insane media criticism that LeBron got. Hey, Albert, don’t forget one thing- your last name is still pronounced POO-HOLES, jerk!!! Hahahaha!! And maybe we can be honest with each other and say that Mr. Shingles, Tony LaRussa, really does make a difference in these situations. Furthermore, Mr. Dildo makes a difference in situations with my significant other. But you didn’t need to know that.
Speaking of LeBron James, in a survey, the NBA’s general managers have chosen the Miami Heat to repeat as champions. Way to go, GM’s! That shows real confidence in…oh, I don’t know…your OWN fucking teams!!! Why don’t we just give LeBron his fourth fucking MVP award right now!! Shit, why don’t we just get LeBron a slightly under-aged whore from Beirut, lock her in a box a la the Gimp from Pulp Fiction-style, ship her over to LeBron with a big red bow on said box, with a note attached to it that says, “Here ya go, King. Here’s a prostitute from Beirut. Later.” And then we can get LeBron a pet dragon and an elf to play with and all the things his fucking evil heart desires!! DAMN, GM’s!!!
By the way, there was a Monday Night Football game on last night. But I was too busy watching the NLCS. I know the Bears and Lions played. I’m not too sure what happened after that. Heck, I’m not too sure about most things. I’m not even sure if my dick is still attached to my body after I put it in a weed-wacker.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Marco Scutaro of the aforementioned Giants after he hit, get this, .500 for the series and tied an NLCS record with 14 hits overall. Damn. I never even hit that well in Nintendo’s Baseball Stars. Fuck it, I’m gonna shit and play some Metroid.
See ya manana, Davidos!
-Dave (10/23/12)
It’s your October Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and the San Francisco Giants have won the last two games of the NLCS and forced a Game 7 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Game 7 will be played tonight in San Fran. I tells ya, this evening’s contest is a damn toss-up. Go ahead- toss that fucking coin straight in the air!! But make sure you don’t stand directly under the coin when it comes down or it’ll take your eye right fucking out!! I know from experience!! My Uncle Kenneth was an NFL referee and lost his eye to an errant coin toss at a Ravens – Steelers match-up!! “Get out of the way, Kenneth!!!” we all exclaimed. But the son of a bitch didn’t listen. He had to wear an eye patch. Then, six weeks later, Uncle Kenneth tossed another coin during an overtime battle between the Eagles and Browns. “Get out of the way, Kenneth!!” we shouted. He didn’t listen. He had to get another eye patch. But he still kept going. The following week, during a Chargers – Cowboys game, he blindly tossed up the coin. “For the love of Jesus, get out of the fucking way, Kenneth!!” we screamed. He didn’t listen. The quarter hit his wind-pipe, crushing his larynx. And that’s the ballad of Uncle Kenneth- The Blind, Mute Referee.
All seven of Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France titles have been stripped from him; as his legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time comes crumbling down. This is why I don’t do performance-enhancing drugs. No. Not the Dave Man. The Dave Man only does performance-worsening drugs. Such as LSD. Which I’m currently on as I write this. As an aside, I like when my fingers feel like waffles and my tongue feels like maple syrup…as is happening right now. Also, I think that Al Roker is most likely a demon-monster from Hades. The Today Show is on the TV and I’m pretty sure Al is sending murderous mind-messages to other Satan-worshipers to unite and overthrow the government. You know what we should do? We should kill Al Roker.
The Giants beat the Redskins yesterday on a 77-yard pass from Eli Manning to Victor Cruz with 1:13 left to play to give the G-Men a 27 to 23 victory over Washington. After getting in the end zone, Cruz then celebrated by doing his now-famous Salsa Dance. I have a celebration dance of my own. Except I call it the Ketchup Dance. And it usually entails me pouring a bottle of Heinz on myself at two o’clock in the morning after I’ve had 18 Budweisers and have decided to not wear pants as my three-footed dog cowers in terror.
The Patriots beat the Jets in Overtime- 29 to 26- despite Tim Tebow throwing for 300 yards and two touchdowns in the game…just kidding…he barely fucking played again!!! Oh, what a maroon!!! He thought he was gonna get to play when he signed with the Jets!!! Hahahahaha!!! What a card!!! What a fucking dope!! He thought he was going to be able to actually throw the football for New York!!! Hahahahaha!! What a dick-nose!! What a God-fearing, Christian weirdo with a DICK for a nose!!! Hahahahaha!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Aaron Rodgers, who threw for 342 yards and 3 TD’s in the Packers’ 30 to 20 win over the Rams. Is it me, or does Aaron Rodgers remind you of a 2012 version of Bing Crosby? You know, with the droopy eyes and the Yogi the Bear-esque voice? Is it just me that thinks that? Judging from the silence that is now in the room…I guess…shit…I guess it is just me. I need to stop doing acid.
See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!
-Dave (10/22/12)
It’s your October Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Detroit Tigers have swept and fucked the New York Yankees in four games. The Tigers will now head to the World Series. The Yankees will head to Baseball Player Rehab- a special center for Major Leaguers who suck the shit out of my ass and ruin the rest of my October as a dumb Yankees fan who foolishly thought this team would win the World Series but now feels more raped than Dr. Melfi in that damned parking garage and oh fuck it, where’s the tequila?
The Cardinals have taken a 3 games to 1 lead over the Giants in the NLCS with last night’s 8 to 3 win. Looks like San Francisco is done. Just like their former Mayor Harvey Milk. He was defeated in the election by a candidate and then was forced to leave ‘Frisco and become a farmer or something like that…I don’t…honestly, I fell asleep fifteen minutes into Milk…but I’m sure things turned out fine!
Last night the 49′ers beat the Seahwaks in the “Nobody Is Fucking Watching Thursday Night Football Because The MLB Playoffs And/Or The X Factor Is On And Whoever Came Up With This Asinine Idea Should Be Flooged In Public” Bowl. The winners got a $50 gift certificate to Sam Goody.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my dog Strummer who caught a fly yesterday. I shit you not. You think that Karate Kid-asshole was impressive catching flies with chopsticks? Then you’ve NEVER seen a THREE-FOOTED dog catch a fly with her fucking teeth, pal. THAT…was impressive.
See you this Saturday night on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!! Adios!!
-Dave (10/19/12)
It’s your October Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Cardinals took a 2 games to 1 advantage in the NLCS over the Giants with a 3 to 1 win yesterday. I honestly don’t know how St. Louis does it. They come back time and time again, they barely make the playoffs, and then they steamroll through the postseason. And this year they did so after losing their Hall Of Fame manager and Hall of Fame first baseman. I haven’t been this amazed by a team since the Harlem Globetrotters tried to help Jayson Williams make it look like Williams’ limo driver committed suicide…after it was Williams himself who blew the guy’s fucking head off when Williams was drunkenly twirling a shotgun. Seriously, how are we still not talking about that story? I mean, what a crazy-assed, fucked-up party that must have been. There’s a seven-foot, hammered, NBA star, doing shotgun tricks like he was “Wild” Bill Hickock while the Globetrotters were looking on and a limo driver was eating a sandwich. Now THAT’S a fiesta!! The only thing that would have made that scene wilder is if a midget was jerking off in the corner while Fred Savage quoted lines from The Princess Bride and Mike Tyson was taking a shit on the floor!! PARTAY!!!!!!
The Minnesota Timberwolves’ excellent All Star forward, Kevin Love, has broken his hand in a preseason practice and will be out 6 to 8 weeks. Maybe he should change his name to Kevin HATE!! AHH-hahahahahahaha!!! …Actually…yeah…actually that didn’t make any sense at all…I mean…I’m not sure that was even a proper pun. It could have been- “Maybe he should change his name to Kevin Love INJURIES!!” …I mean…while still being a horrendous joke, at least that would have made sense…I mean…the whole “HATE” line was just confusing…I mean…why would Kevin go to the bother of filling out all of the paper work and have to go through all the bureaucratic red tape just to change his ACTUAL last name to an antonym of the word when used in general terms? I mean…dammit…IT JUST DID NOT MAKE SENSE, DAVEY MAC.
The Yankees – Tigers games was postponed due to rain last night. Game 4 takes place this evening (the Yanks trail in the series- 3 games to none). I’m not sure what is going to happen tonight except most likely:
* The Yankees will continue NOT hitting
* A-Rod will fuck some broad/fan on Joe Girardi’s desk because of being benched
* I will masturbate to a bra commercial that is aired on TBS
* Derek Jeter will shit in A-Rod’s hat
* Animals will eat Nick Swisher as he walks up to home plate
* Ichiro will detonate an atomic bomb in Detroit “to get even”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my ass.
A brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is NOW up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Check it out!! Adios!!
-Dave (10/18/12)
It’s your October Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and, let’s be honest, the Yankees cannot hit the fucking cock off a rooster. I’m not even sure that that is a real expression. But I’m going with it anyway. I’m so depressed. As a Yankees fan, it’s difficult to watch your team pick the shit out of each other’s asses rather than swing the bat. Honestly, I don’t think that that last sentence is an expression either…but I’m stickin’ with it. I know, I know- the Yankees had to hit against Justin Verlander last night. But actually, they had performed well against Verlander…so, as a STUPID fucking Yankee fan…I strangely had hope that they might win. I was wrong. I should get my head flushed in the toilet by a fat person. Or maybe I could get pissed on by a dwarf. Or possibly I could get sodomized by an elephant. It doesn’t matter…shit don’t matter no more, Ese.
Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant said that he called A-Rod (after he was benched for Game 3) and said that he reminded A-Rod that he’s “the best.” No offense to Kobe, but this is why basketball players should not give advice to baseball players. Not only are the two sports totally different, but I have to shit. I’ve been eating Cool Ranch Doritos all morning and now they’re beginning to come out of my butt. Seriously. I can feel the chips exiting. And yet, I still haven’t gotten up to go to the bathroom. You know why? Because I have to write this Sports Report for YOU, you son of a bitch.
What Kobe doesn’t know is that A-Rod reportedly was sending baseballs out to two broads DURING GAME 1; asking them to write down their phone numbers on said balls. Me…I would never do something as sleazy as that. I would simply follow the girls home and rummage through their garbage cans where I would hope to find used tampons that I could jerk off on.
Oh, by the way. In case you’re a Yankees fan and dislike Justin Verlander for dominating your team last night, guess who he’s going out with? Yeah…you guessed it…Kate Upton. I, a loyal Yankees fan, am going to excuse myself and chop my dick off. I’ll be back in a very bloody minute.
Some other sports shit happened like Eagles head coach Andy Reid firing his defensive coordinator even though it is the offense that sucks; the Browns will sell their team causing Mike Holmgren to retire as team president; a judge orders Roger Goodell to turn over all Saints Bounty Gate evidence; Zombie Babe Ruth eats Zombie Lou Gehrig; Shaquille O’Neal kills twenty tourists in Disney World with his bare hands; aliens kidnap Lance Armstrong and force him to have sex with an alien princess; Bob Uecker decapitates Mr. Belvedere; and the Atlanta Hawks push old people into mud.
See you guys THIS EVENING for the Davey Mac Sports Program! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!! Peace!!
-Dave (10/17/12)