I went to bed early so I didn’t see the end of the Broncos-Chargers game and whaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! (10/16/12)

 

It’s your October Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and hey, you know that Peyton Manning fella?  It turns out that he’s pretty good.  With Manning’s Broncos down 24 to fucking ZILCH on Monday Night Football, Peyton led a comeback (helped by a shitty performance from Chargers QB Philip Rivers) to propel Denver to a 35 to 24 victory over San Diego.  And I missed it.  Honestly, I turned off the game for the NLCS match-up between the Giants and Cardinals.  OK, fine, I’m lying…I was actually watching an old episode of Ancient Aliens.  Oh, who am I kidding…I was watching a soft-core porn flick on Cimenax- Busty Alien Sluts Invade The Planet Breastupiter.  Alright, alright…I was really viewing the very hardcore film Anal Fuck-Bots Who Drink Midge Cum Volume 6…alright, you got me, it was Volume 7.

Speaking of the NLCS, the Giants beat the Cardinals last night- 7 to 1.  The series is now tied up at one game apiece.  My prediction- the Giants will win this series in 7 games, and you will give me thirty-five dollars.  You will mail it to:

Dave McDonald

Sirius XM

c/o Ron & Fez Office

1221 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

You will also include a package of Marlboro reds and a pint of Jack Daniels.  Furthermore, my prediction has you sending me a twenty dollar gift certificate to Burger King and also giving me the Indiana Jones collection on Blu Ray.  Damn, I hope my prediction comes true.

The Ravens’ future Hall-of-Famer, Ray Lewis, will be out for the season with a torn triceps.  I’m not 100% sure what a Triceps is but I think it may be one of those cool-looking dinosaurs with the bad-ass horns coming out of his forehead.  In which case, if Ray Lewis actually tore a fucking dinosaur, then he must be the strongest human being that’s ever lived.  The only animal I’ve ever been able to tear was when I tore the leg off a dead frog in sixth grade science class.  Then, I put the leg over my upper lip like it was a little mustache.  Soon after, I was suspended for a week and forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation.  Oh well…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Rockies’ Jason Giambi who is interviewing for the managerial opening that the Rockies currently have.  Jason Giambi as a manager…that would be weird.  Not quite as weird as when I once saw my cousin Dominic working as a male escort.  Nor quite as weird as when my Uncle Harold ordered a male escort…only to get his son, Dominic, as the hooker.  THAT was fucking weird.

Hasta manana, Dave pound!

-Dave (10/16/12)

A bad call helps the Tigers win Game 2 of the ALCS! Maybe it’s time for fucking replay already!!! (10/15/12)

 

It’s your October Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Tigers beat the Yankees last night, three to nothing, to take a 2 games to none advantage over New York in the ALCS.  But the real story was a controversial call (pictured above) in which a Tiger runner appeared to have been thrown out, ending the inning.  Instead, the second base umpire called the Tiger safe, continuing the inning, and Detroit ended up scoring two more runs.  When asked after the game about the missed call, the umpire stated: “I went to the same school of officiating that the NFL replacement refs went to.  I…I think maybe someone should shut the school down already.  I mean…I am REALLY bad at my job.  I mean, I am downright SHITTY at it!  Once, when I was umping behind home plate, I said ‘Strike Three!’ after a batter was hit in the fucking head by a fastball!  I shit you not!  I stink!  I have no sense of accurate judgment!  I once gave Lindsay Lohan the keys to my liquor cabinet!  That’s SHITTY decision-making!!  I SUCK!!!”

St. Louis took down San Francisco in Game 1 of the NLCS- 6 to 4.  I’m pulling for San Fran because it’s October and the Giants wear Halloween colors.  I can’t wait for Halloween.  I’m gonna go as either a Canadian person who farts too much; or Alec Baldwin if he were to have both of his arms chopped off; or a dog that has been tied to the car and dragged for two miles; or someone who has been spit on by a homeless man; or a giant penis.  I can’t wait!!

The New York football Giants beat down the 49′ers, 26 to 3.  I was impressed with the G-Men.  I hope they were impressed by me as I watched the game in nothing but my Giants sweatshirt and a Giants foam finger on my dicky.  I always watch Giants games bottomless while playing with a Giants Mr. Potato Head.  Some people think I have mental problems, you know.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers who threw SIX touchdowns in Green Bay’s 42 to 24 dismantling of the previously unbeaten Houston Texans.  Good for you, Aaron.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to add “Aaron Rodgers” to the list of possible Halloween costumes.  Maybe that’s too boring.  I need to jazz it up a little.  OK, I got it, I need to add “Aaron Rodgers if he had a cock growing out of his fore-head and the head of a cow” to the list of possible Halloween costumes.  Good day.

Talk to you homies tomorrow!

-Dave (10/15/12)

The Orioles Strike Back! The Tigers Return Of The Jedi! See? That headline is like a Star Wars-kind-of-thing! Sheeesh, am I exhausted…I can’t wait for the weekend…is anyone even reading this? (10/12/12)

 

It’s your October Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and the one thing we can positively say- this new, sometimes strange, baseball playoff system has WORKED.  In the four, best-of-five, division series, ALL FOUR have gone to a fifth game.  The Tigers and Giants closed out their series against the A’s and Reds respectively.  The Nationals won in extra innings over the Cardinals to force a Game 5 today.  And the big story- the Orioles beat the Yankees last night in 13 innings to push their series to a decisive Game 5 tonight.  Holy shit…this is too exciting for the Dave Man.  I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest.  But that could be because of all the meth I’ve been forced to do while running on the treadmill with frightening movies on the TV and receiving shock therapy by  my physician called Doctor Davedeath.  Honestly, I’m not even sure that he’s a real doctor.

Oh, fuck!  Look at the time!  I have to go on the Ron & Fez Show on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  I’ll be there at noon!!  Listen to it and enjoy!!  Sorry, for the abbreviated Sports Report but I’s got a bus to catch!!!  PEACE!!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Adios!

-Dave (10/12/12)

Count Raul-a strikes again! Also, we have no idea what Raul Ibanez has in common with Count Dracula! We just thought that headline sounded cool! Obviously we were wrong! (10/11/12)

 

It’s your October Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and RAUL IBANEZ.  That’s all we can say.  Ibanez, one of the Yankees’ most clutch hitters this season, came up huge again last night…not once…but TWICE, baby-face.  With the Yankees down by a run in the bottom of the ninth, Ibanez slammed a pinch-hit home run to tie the game.  And then, in the bottom of the 12th, Ibanez hit another homer to win the game for New York; who now leads Baltimore 2 games to 1 in their series.  Honestly, it was more exciting than watching your Uncle Larry shit in a bucket on Main Street in the middle of town and then collecting twenty bucks from your Uncle Bob who bet you that Larry “wouldn’t do it.”  Well, he DID do it, Uncle Bob.  Now you best give me my dang twenty dollars or we’s gonna have an old-fashioned shootout, partner!!!  Bang-bang!!!  Yeeeeeehhaaawww!!!!

Oh, by the way…who did Ibanez pinch-hit for?  A little guy named Alex Rodriguez. Geez Louise, is it amazing to see how far A-Rod has fallen or what?  Don’t answer that.  But can you believe a three-time MVP would be removed in the ninth inning of a postseason game for another hitter?  Don’t answer that, either.  And can you imagine if human males had ten little dicks where their toes are?  You don’t have to answer that one.  And if I put ten Jolly Ranchers in my butt, and then re-wrap them, and give them to children on Halloween, could I get in trouble?  You probably shouldn’t answer that.  And should I report “my friend” to the authorities if he jerked off onto the cavemen exhibit in the New York Museum of Natural History?  Don’t bother answering that.  And would you believe that the “friend” I was speaking of is actually me?  Answer that.

Meanwhile, the A’s and Giants both beat the Tigers and Reds respectively to force Games 5′s in their series.  Wait, is that right?  Is the plural of “series” also series?  Because I was writing about two different serieses there.  Hold on, that time I wrote the plural of “series” as serieses.  That doesn’t look right.  But then again, it just seems weird that the plural of “series” would be the fucking word “series”!!!  I mean, what the fuck is going on around here?!?!  What did midgets with eye-patches and hard-ons invent the fucking English language?!?!  Shit, I need to stop drinking rum in the morning!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day could go to the aforementioned Raul Ibanez…and it probably should.  But instead, I’m giving it to Paul Simon for writing the song “The Obivous Child”, which I like to listen to when I’m highin’.  Thank you, Paul, even if you do look like Old Bilbo Baggins these days, you write one hell of a song, Hobbit-boy.

Hey, homies! This week’s Davey Mac show (online) is ow up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Check it out!  And have a great day!!

-Dave (10/11/12)

The Giants- Stayin’ Alive! The A’s- Night Fever! The Davey Mac- More Than A Woman! (10/10/12)

 

It’s your October Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the teams by the Bay kicked the ass and they kicked it hard last night, dogsie.  The San Francisco Giants, down two games to none in their series against the Reds, won in extra innings- 2 to 1.  And the A’s, in the same position as the Giants, shut out the Tigers- two to nothing.  Well, there you fucking go.  I visited the Bay Area when I was a kid.  Went to Alcatraz (jerked off).  Visited the Golden Gate Bridge (spanked the dick into the water below).  Took a trip to Jedediah Smith Redwoods State Park (exploded the cock while in a giant Redwood tree onto a squirrel’s head).  Incidentally, that park is where they filmed Return of the Jedi…which is why I suppose I was pretending to be an Ewok when I was jerking it.  Yub nub!!  Eee chop, yub nub!!!

We here at the Sports Report broke the story yesterday (via our Top Secret sources looking it up on Google and The Internet) that former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky has been sentenced to a minimum of 30 years for his crimes…and now we have some new, breaking information just for YOU, the loyal DMSR reader.  Jerry Sandusky’s balls smell like old cheese.  Trust us.  We can’t tell you how we get you this exclusive info…but it’s true.  Also, his ass feels like Play-Doh that’s been put in a microwave.  Again, you’re just gonna have to take our word for it.  If you were to feel Jerry Sandusky’s ass…it would feel like stale Play-Doh that had been left on the floor, pissed on by a dog, and then put in the microwave on HIGH for 2 minutes.  Lastly, Jerry Sandusky has cum under his fingernails.  We can’t tell you how we know…we just do.

Jets head coach Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with under-performing quarterback Mark Sanchez; even though Sanchez is DEAD LAST in completion percentage (48.4) and 31st in passer rating (66.6).  In other news, the pilot of the Hidenburg zeppelin stated in a press conference- “Everything is fine.  We’re having a nice ride and…is it getting a little warm in here or is it just me?  Probably is me.  I’m wearing this sweater vest and…do you smell smoke?  I thought I smelled smoke but, I ALWAYS think I’m smelling smoke!  Hahaha!  It’s just one of those things, I guess!!  Anyway, like I was saying, I have a T-shirt on, AND a button-down, AND a sweater vest and, honestly, the sweater vest is probably just one article of clothing too mu– is the blimp on fire?  Did you see that?  I think this thing may be on fire.  But then again, I’m probably hallucinating.  I’ve been drinking this old-timey cough medicine and it’s like, WHOA DADDY!  The Captain is a-trippin’!!!  Anyway, maybe I’ll take this sweater vest off and relax and— was that an explosion?  I thought I heard an explosion.  Ahhhh, it probably was just my imagination.  I’m always pretending that things are————————-”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Alex Karras, former Detroit Lion great who died this morning.  Some also may remember Karras as the dad on the TV show Webster.  And still others may believe, as I do, that it was Emmanuel Lewis (Webster himself) who most likely killed Karras by strangling him with a piano wire.  FIN.

We’ll see you this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com for the Davey Mac Sports Program- LIVE!!  Peace!!

-Dave (10/10/12)

The O’s win Game 2! The Cheeri’s rejoice! (10/9/12)

 

It’s your October Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Baltimore Orioles needed a win desperately last night…and they got it, daddy.  Down one game to none in their Division Series against the Yankees, the O’s clawed their way to a 3 to 2 victory, tying up the series as it heads to New York.  And we now have ourselves a series, baby!!  That’s right, kitten!!!  We’re all square in an old-school Yanks-Orioles series, french fry!!  And, I for one, couldn’t be more excited, Tickle Buddy!!  I wouldn’t mind coming over to your house and giving you a little rub down, Sexy-Face!!  I’d run my hands over your shoulders, down your back, and right to the Special Place, Jizz-Chum!!  And by “Special Place” I mean “The Ass”, Butter-Cum!!!  Ooooooooh, yeahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Cardinals also evened up their series with the Nationals with a 12 to 4 victory.  Carlos Beltran hit two homers in the game.  Gee whiz, I’d give anything to hit an MLB Postseason home run.  Seriously.  I don’t know who to bribe, but if you’re out there listening, I have at least 50 vintage Star Wars action figures, seventeen of which are HAVE NOT BEEN OPENED!!!  Or, if you want, I’ll give you my fucking dog!!  She’s great!  She’s a Pomeranian and has three feet!!  This makes her a special collector’s item-kind-of-dog!!  I also can offer you my wife’s underwear, or some non-poisonous candy, or an invention that I made called the Fuck-Wand!!!  Just think about it, Baseball, I need a postseason home run!!!

—BREAKING NEWS—

Jerry Sandusky has been given his prison sentence!

—THIS JUST IN—

He will serve no less than 30 years…and no more than 60 years!

—DEVELOPING STORY—

Sandusky still has yellow teeth!

—NEWS FLASH—

I gots ta shit, dawg!!!

—UH OH—

I think a little shitties just came out!

—FUCK—

Yup!  Better throw out my boxers before anyone smells me!  Later!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Houston Texans running back Arian Foster; who ran for 152 yards and a touchdown as the Texans beat the Jets, 23 to 17.  I think it’s very odd that a nice black gentleman is named “Arian”, which, though spelled differently, conjures up a WHOLE different image!!  I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.  Signed, Davey McAfrican

Hasta manana, friendo’s!!

-Dave (10/9/12)

The Yankees draw First Blood against the Orioles! Meanwhile, the Tigers Rambo the A’s! And the Nationals Rocky IV the Cardinals! (10/8/12)

 

It’s your October Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and with a Game 1 win over the Orioles, the Yankees are hoping to destroy the hearts of Baltimore worse than when Omar and Brother Mouzone whacked Stringer Bell.  B-More never got over that…and they never will.  And now it looks like the city is in for another nightmare scenario as the Yankees, behind solid pitching from C.C. Sabathia, scored 5 runs in the ninth inning to beat the O’s, 7 to 2.  Let’s be honest.  C.C., when he is on his game, is still a hell of a pitcher.  And now let’s be REALLY honest- he’s also very fat.  I’m a fan of his and all, but Good Lord does he have one gigantic stomach.  I’m sometimes afraid that he is gonna eat the baseball while he’s on the pitcher’s mound.  Sometimes, after Jeter makes a particularly good play, C.C. stares at him the way Philip Seymour Hoffman gazed at Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights…only I don’t think C.C. wants to kiss Jeter…I’m pretty sure he wants to eat him.  Once, I thought I saw C.C. buttering manager Joe Girardi in the dugout; preparing to have him as a snack.  And I also saw C.C. devour Ichiro…only to eat Kiroda an hour later, because he was still hungry.  Please consider putting yourelf on a diet, C.C., before you eat the Yankees starting lineup!

By defeating the Cardinals, 3 to 2, the Nationals have become the first Washington D.C.-based MLB team to win a playoff game since 1933.  Good for Washington, it’s such a virtuous town, filled with honest, fair-minded people who are good, salt-of-the-earth Americans.  Wait a second…sorry…I was thinking of Toledo, Ohio…FUCK D.C., the fucking City of Political Shit-Bags and Congressional Pig-Sluts!!!  FUCK OFF!!!

Meanwhile, the Tigers and Reds respectively are in command of their respective series, leading the A’s and Giants respectively, 2 games to one.  I have no respective predictions for the two respective series respectively, except that I respectively respect Aretha Franklin’s classic, “Respect.”

A bunch of NFL football was played yesterday, too.  Here are some scores-

Patriots 31, Broncos 21

Giants 41, Browns 27

Coke 17, Pepsi 14

Transformers 35, Gobots 3

Peanut Butter 12, Jelly 9

Smurfs 24, Snorks 13

Dicks 42, Cocks 40

Eight Is Enough 38, Just The Ten Of Us 10

and in the upset of the day Ewoks 21, Wookies 17

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Saints QB Drew Brees, who has broken Johnny Unitas’ record of most consecutive NFL games with at least one touchdown pass.  By throwing a TD last night against the Chargers, Brees has thrown one in 48 straight games.  Afterwards, Brees commented about his remarkable achievement- “First of all, I’d say that I am honored to be compared to Johnny Unitas, but then, I’d be lying.  The truth is, I’d wipe my ass with Johnny U’s retarded buzz cut and fucked-up sneakers.  I mean, when did he even play ayway, the fucking 1800′s?!?!  Even my frightening Frankenstein mole is better than that fucking guy!!  In fact, I’m seriously considering going to Unitas’ grave, digging up his body, and fucking it in the ass in the middle of the night while chanting ‘Who Dat.’  Johnny U can suck my dick!!  Peace out, bitches.”

See ya tomorrow, Friend-Pals!!

-Dave (10/8/12)

Bobby V- OUT! Kevin Kline- IN! (10/5/12)

 

It’s your October Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Bobby Valentine has been shipped down from Boston, as the Red Sox fired the 62-year-old manager after one dismal season in which the Sox finished 69 and 93.  Ha!!  69!!!  Hahahahaha!!  Yeah, Bobby!!!  Is that what you like, you pervert?!?!  You like sixty-nining people?!  Hahaha!!  Yeah, Bobby, now put that whip cream on your stomach and rub it!!!  Yeah!!  Hahahaha!!  Oh, you’re fucking SICK, Bobby!!!  Now pour some candle wax on your nipples!!!  Ooooooh, HOT, isn’t it, Bobby?!?!  Yeahhhhh, it is!!!  Now shove this candle up your ass!!!  Oh, Bobby V, you NUTS, dude!!  You NUTS!!!

…anyway, if you’d like more of this, please buy my new porn-flick that I’ve made- Forcing Bobby Valentine To Be Sexxxy At Gunpoint

Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard are in a feud.  Shag said that Howard is not a true center.  Howard responded by saying that Shaq is “done” and needs to “move on.”  Meanwhile, this writer is trying to start a feud with fellow sports journalist Mike Lupica.  Hey, Lupica, I asked for your autograph when I was twelve and at Yankee Stadium, and you blew me off.  So you know what I’m gonna do?  I’m gonna dress up as one of ESPN’s Sports Reporters and when we’re live on television, I’m gonna pour a bucket of shit on your little pipsqueak fucking head, THAT’S what!!!  See ya later…pipsqueak!!!  Hahahahaha!!!!

Sources are saying that suspended Saints head coach Sean Payton plans on attending the Saints-Chargers game this weekend, in order to support Drew Brees.  If Brees throws a touchdown, he’ll break the all-time record of most consecutive games played in which the QB threw at least one TD (Johnny Unitas and Brees are currently tied for the record at 47 games).  I like Sean Payton’s moxy.  Go back to New Orelans, Payton, and give NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell the fucking finger.  And as an aside, I’m not exactly sure what the word “moxy” means.  I think it’s Jewish in origin.  I always thought it had someone to do with having dried cum on your pants.  You know, as in, “Damn, my jeans are a little moxy today.”  Or…“Geez, Dad, your slacks are REALLY moxy!”  I don’t know.  You know how people sometimes say, “Hey that guy has a good way with words”…yeah…they never say that about me…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the St. Louis Rams, who beat the previously unbeaten Cardinals last night, 17 to 3.  And guess what?  I didn’t watch one mother-fucking second of the game.  I’m sorry but Thursday Night Football is officially too much.  It’s like having ten Peanut M&M’s stuck into your dick-hole and trying to fit that eleventh one in.  There’s no room for number 11, baby!!!  There never is!!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL; LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (10/5/12)

The final day of regular season baseball ends with a bang! And we don’t mean that in a sexual way, you perverts!!! (10/4/12)

 

It’s your October Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and ok, I admit it, that headline was indeed meant in a sexual way.  Don’t blame yourself.  YOU are not the perverts.  We are.  And, yes, I’m writing “we” as if this thing is written by a staff of writers.  That’s my little trick.  When I don’t want the heat squarely on my shoulders, I write things like “We‘ve discovered that Tigers Woods is growing a tumor on his dick…and that the tumor itself is taking the shape of a dick…so in summation, Tiger Woods appears to have a Double Dick at this point.”  See?  I said “we’ve”.  This way, when I inevitably get sued, I can blame it on some fictitious Sports Report staff and spread the blame “their” way…the imaginary suckers that “they” are!!  Hahahaha!!!

Anyway, as I said earlier, I indeed did intend the headline to be of a sexual connotation.  Because quite frankly, the A’s fucked the shit out of the Texas Rangers, right there in the heart of Oakland.  The Rangers (who for a long stretch this season were dubbed “the best team in baseball”) blew a massive lead in the division (thirteen fucking games) to find themselves tied with the A’s on the final day of the season.  And then on the 162nd game of the year, the Rangers blew a 5 to 1 lead to Oakland, and ended up getting routed, 12 to 5.  I haven’t seen a team choke this the 2011 Boston Red Sox.  And that was, like, a whole fucking year ago!!!  And in this American era of No-Attention-Span Humanoids, one entire year is, like, FOREVER ago!!!  Shit, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!!  And yeah, I know that I was 33 this time last year, but like I said, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!!!  Don’t dispute me!!

Meanwhile, the Yankees were able to crush the Red Sox (14 to 2) and in doing so, won the A.L. East and wrapped up the number one seed in the American League.  I expect the Yankees to play well in the playoffs and likely make it to the World Series.  But then again, I expect a butler named Pierre to shine my ass like it is a pair of fine shoes and call me Captain Cum…so I guess sometimes our expectations are not met.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who has become the first man since 1967 to hit for the Triple Crown.  Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs, and 139 runs batted in.  That’s a good year.  Is it as good as 1993 when Steven Spielberg put out one of the greatest action movies of all time, Jurassic Park, in the summer…and then multiple Oscar-winner (including Best Picture), Schindler’s List, in the winter?  No.  No, I’m afraid not, Miguel.  But good job nonetheless, you non-dinosaur-movie-making-Liam-Neeson-hating son of a bitch!!!

A brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is up!  Go to go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for all the love!!  Adios!

-Dave (10/4/12)

The A’s have tied the Rangers for first place in the A.L. West and Mitt Romney has suddenly become a poor, black, Jewish woman! (10/3/12)

 

It’s your October Third Davey Mac Sports Report and if Hollywood wants to write a sequel to Moneyball, all they have to do is flash forward exactly ten years to the 2012 MLB season where this year’s A’s have shockingly come out of nowhere to tie the Texas Rangers for FIRST PLACE in the A.L. West, with the two teams playing tonight in Oakland on the last day of the season to decide it all (after the A’s beat the Rangers last night- 3 to 1).  And if Hollywood does decide to make Moneyball 2, I’d like to put myself in the running for the Jonah Hill role.  Now, sure, I’m not fat the way Jonah Hill’s character was in the movie.  But, at this point, neither is Jonah Fucking Hill!!  I mean, how much weight is that guy gonna lose?!  I’m afraid he’s either Bulimic or has some new flesh-eating Pig Virus or some insane combination of both…like maybe a Bulimic Pig is slowly eating him, I don’t know, I’m on ‘shrooms!!  In any event, unlike Jonah, who only eats lettuce and Triscuits in order to get to Mick Jagger weight these days, Davey Mac, like the true ACTOR he is, will De Niro this shit and gain sixty pounds if it means I can party with Brad Pitt for six weeks!!!  Come on, Hollywood, stop being pussies!!!

Meanwhile the Yankees came back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth yesterday on a Raul Ibanez home run; and then won it in the 12th on an Ibanez single.  As a result, the Yanks’ magic number is 1…and should they either win or the Orioles lose tonight, New York will win the A.L. East.  Another division that has gone down to the final day of the season.  I don’t know about you, but I’m so giddy with baseball excitement that I could flog an elderly person who is taking too long in the butcher’s section at the supermarket with a mother-fucking bullwhip!!  It’s like, “Just buy a few chicken cutlets and a couple of steaks, you old bitch!!!  There are OTHER people in this fucking line!!!”

Speaking of whips, why does Indiana Jones not get the credit he deserves as an athlete?  He’s probably the greatest rodeo man the world has ever seen.  I mean, do you think legendary rodeo showman “Buffalo” Bill Cody could swing from window ledges eighty feet high (IN THE RAIN, mind you) at a Nazi castle, in order to rescue his dad (who had banged his Austrian girlfriend just DAYS before, mind you)?  Well, DO you???  The answer is NO!  Buffalo Bill couldn’t TOUCH Indiana Jones.  Buffalo Bill couldn’t even touch Short-Round…but that’s probably a good thing…for legal reasons…

Former Penn State assistant football coach and the guy who was afraid to punch pedophile Jerry Sandusky when he saw him raping a child in the shower, Mike McQueary, is suing Penn State University for defamation and misrepresentation.  To me, this suit seems almost as frivolous as the time I sued my dick in New Jersey State Court, alleging that it “caused me millions of dollars in distress by peeing on me too much.”  The case was thrown out.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Major League Baseball, for being so much fun in a mother-fucking pennant race.  THANK YOU, MLB, for making me so happy.  Now, can you also figure a way to get rid of the boils on my ass?  Thanks in advance.

See you guys tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  Adios!!

-Dave (10/3/12)