FBI: Joe Paterno received death threats! Davey Mac: Good!! (8/30/12)

 

It’s your August Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the FBI has released a file regarding Joe Paterno in which they state that Paterno received many threatening letters over the years.  Here’s a few of the letters the FBI is showing the public:

Dear Coach Paterno,

                                         You should go by the name Joe Camel because your God-Damned nose is bigger than that smoking animal-asshole’s shnoz, for crying out loud, and he’s a fucking CARTOON!!  Hey Paterno, is that a nose on your face or a God-Damned baby’s head?!  My Lord, man!!  Hey Paterno, Earth called! It said it’s running out of oxygen due to your freakishly gigantic nose sucking in all the God-Damned air!

                                            Signed, Don Rickles

Dear Joe Pa,

                        Can you ask Jerry Sandusky if he has any extra dildo’s lying around?  Thanks, silly-billy!

                            Sincerely, Andy Dick

Dear Joey,

                        My ass really hurts.  You know, I’ve really come to have a distaste for prison-rape!  Anyway…Happy Labor Day, buddy!

                            Your Friend, Jerry Sandusky

The Nationals’ Bryce Harper hit two home runs yesterday before getting thrown out of the game for slamming his helmet to the ground after he hit into a double play.  In my opinion, I don’t think Harper should have been ejected.  He was clearly angry at himself and not the call at first base.  In my opinion, the umpire acted like an asshole.  In my opinion, I think the way we look at pets specifically and the world in general would change tremendously if cats and dogs could be trained to talk like humans.  In my opinion, we’d stop masturbating in front of them.  That is a fucking fact.  Also, we probably wouldn’t allow them to see us shit.  In my opinion, if cats and dogs spoke English, they’d never shut the fuck up about what horrible God-Damn animals human beings are.  And then, in my opinion, there would probably be a World War III between all the humans on the planet vs. all the cats and dogs and, in my opinion, there’d be fucking carnage all over the place!!!!

The National Football League has announced that they will use replacement officials to work the first week of games while the NFL referees continue to strike.  SCABS!!!!  Fucking SCABS!!!!  Go FUCK yourself, SCABS!!!!  My daddy was a union man, you sons of bitches!!!!  My daddy didn’t get up at 2:30 in the morning just so you SCABS could take his job, you cock-suckers!!!  My Daddy didn’t break his legs, workin’ on the railroad, just so’s these fuckin’ SCABS could come in and replace him!!!!!

…ok…

…ok, fine…you got me…my daddy wasn’t a union man.  He was a vice-president at a rather large pharmaceuticals company…and we lived comfortably…

…FUCKIN’ SCABS!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former All-American Notre Dame running back and current radio broadcaster for the Irish, Allen Pinkett, who said that it was a positive thing that Notre Dame had to suspend a few of their players this year because when one “looks at the teams that have won in the past, they have always had a couple of criminals…I’ve always felt like to have a successful team you’ve got to have a few bad citizens on the team.”  In related news, Pinkett also said that his favorite team of all time was the 1942 Berlin Fighting Nazi’s football team, who went 14 and 2 in league play and also killed a lot of people.

That’s it, baby! Please check out this week’s Davey Mac Sports Program (online version), now available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (8/30/12)

Andy Roddick IN! Caroline Wozniacki OUT! IN! OUT! IN OUT! This headline is making my privates all tingly! (8/29/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Roddick has won his first-round match-up in the U.S. Open.  Meanwhile in the women’s division, eighth-seeded Caroline Wozniacki, scene in the titillating photo above, lost.  Wozniacki, pictured in the sensual picture above, has been playing with an injured knee and Wozniacki, seen in the dick-spanking pic above, was battling a struggling serve and boy, what we here at the Davey Mac Sports Headquarters would do to that broad.  We don’t care that she’s from Denmark, which we regard as America’s Number ONE Enemy.  Nor do we mind that she’s dating that Frodo Baggins-look-alike Rory McIlroy, we’d show her a REAL good time.  We’d take out the dick and say to her, “Let’s see if you can hit THAT serve, baby”…which we know doesn’t make much sense…oh, who are we kidding…we’d pussy out…we’d just look at the floor and never say anything to her…we suck…

Former Penn State faculty members criticized the NCAA and former FBI director Louis Freeh for “unfairly” treating the university after former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was found guilty of kid rape.  I think what these faculty members are failing to realize was that one of their coaches was fucking found guilty of kid rape.  And then the head football coach covered up that one of his assistants had been committing kid rape.  And maybe they should also consider, oh fuck it, KIDS WERE GETTING RAPED IN YOUR SCHOOL YOU FUCKING NITWITS!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!

In a radio interview Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman said that he was not surprised that former Yankees Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon were suspended from baseball after failing drug tests.  Cashman further commented that he also was not surprised when people try to give him a piece of cheese because they confuse him for being a giant mouse.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented toilet paper because this journalist has had THE SHITS today, boy!!!  EEeeeeeehhhh-yaaaahh!!!!

See you homies this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (8/29/12)

The U.S. Open begins! My dick is hard! Not because I love tennis that much! I think it’s more of a medical problem! (8/28/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the U.S. Open kicked off yesterday.  Roger Federer and Andy Murray both won easily in their respective matches.  I went to the U.S. Open once when I was about 12 years old.  It was fun.  Until I ran into Pete Sampras.  I asked him for an autograph and his response was- “Get away from me, kid.”

…get away from me, kid?!?!??!  That’s how a measly tennis player answers a child who wants his fucking autograph?!?!  What a piece of shit!!!  I mean, tennis is what, America’s seventh or eighth most popular fucking sport?!?!  And this scumbag can’t give Mini-Davey Mac his damned signature on my dumb fucking Adidas hat?!?!  Well, don’t think that I’ve forgotten about this, Sampras!!!  You’re on my LIST, buddy!!!  Along with Al Roker, Jeff Goldblum, Dave Winfield, and Alex Trebek!!!  You’re on the fucking LIST, pal, you better watch your God-Damned back!!!!!

The Bills have cut Vince Young.  The former NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year has seen his career rapidly descend since 2007.  Times have gotten so bad for Young, in fact, that he was recently spotted in Texas jerking off cows for a company called “Uncle Larry’s Cow Jizz.”  No…I’m just kidding.  But things have gotten so bad for him that Young was seen charging football mascots ten bucks to allow them to blow him.  The Chicago Bear apparently visited him four times.  Nah…I’m just jokin’.  But seriously, things have gotten so bad for Young that the only way he can make money these days is by joining the Jim Rose Circus and becoming Vincy the Dick-Cutting Quarterback, where he chops his own and other people’s cocks off.  And I’m pretty sure that last one is true…but then again…I’m drunk.

Penn State officials say that they will not continue their tradition of playing Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” at home games because the lyrics (“Touching you, touching me”) could be linked to pedophile Jerry Sandusky.  That’s smart.  I suggest playing “Touch Me” by the Doors instead…no wait…nevermind.  Maybe “We Fuck Kids In The Shower” by Heart…nope…that won’t work…geez, this is harder than you think.  What about “The Defensive Coordinator Rapes Children” by the Beatles…I don’t know…oh!  How about “I Really Love The Fuck Out Of NAMBLA!” by Tom Jones.  Yeah!!!  That’s the one!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre, who went three for three with a home run last night against Tampa Bay as the Rangers beat the Rays- 6 to 5.  In his last eight games, Beltre has also homered three times in one game, and hit for the cycle in another.  The only thing one can negatively say about Beltre is that his name is Adrian.  Unless you’re married to Rocky, Beltre, we don’t care for your fucking name!!  This world is only big enough for ONE “Adrian” and her last name is fucking Balboa!!  And, yes, that includes YOU, too, Adrian Brody!!!  The both a ya’s are now on my God-Damned LIST!!!

Adios, Davidos!!

-Dave (8/28/12)

J-E-T-S-T-I-N-K!!! (8/27/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the New York Jets have become the first NFL team in thirty-five years to fail to score a touchdown in their first three preseason games.  I know that it’s only preseason, and Jets fans may believe that it is not time to panic…but in this experienced journalist’s opinion…panic, Jets Fans, fucking panic!!!!  Build a fucking bomb shelter underneath your houses and avoid the fucking upcoming football season as if it were a God-Damn nuclear bomb that was about to be detonated by a drunk Bill Belichick!!!  Stock up on weapons and canned goods as if Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are gonna create some sort of Y2K Doomsday scenario that will leave millions of Jets fans abandoned and exposed…ready to be shot in the fucking head and then posthumously raped by hordes of AFC barbarians!!!  Come up with some sort of survival strategy for this Football Apocalypse…hey, maybe you can offer Fireman Ed up to the cannibalistic Raiders fans as a show of good fucking faith!!!  I don’t know!!  But whatever you do, Jets Fans, make sure you fucking PANIC!!!!

The Little League team from Japan beat the team from Tennessee yesterday in the finals of the Little League World Series, 12 to 2.  One Japanese boy, Noriatsu Osaka, hit three homers and a triple in the game.  I don’t know about you, but if I were a scout, I’d sign the kid right fucking now.  Then I’d bring him over to our country and let him stay at our house, where I would feed him eight to ten hamburgers a day.  Then I’d gradually increase the hamburger total to hopefully 40 hamburgers in an hour.  And when he was 16, and weighing at 650 pounds with the ability to eat 42 hamburgers in one sitting, he would probably ask, “Mr. David, when are we going to play some baseball?”  At which point I’d turn to him and say, “We aren’t, kid.  I’m a hamburger-eating-championships scout.  Your baseball days are through.”  He’d probably start crying then…but I’d shove a hamburger in his mouth to quiet him down so I can get some God-Damn sleep…

The Seattle Seahawks have cut Terrell Owens from their team.  This means that T.O. and Ochocinco are out of the NFL currently.  In an unprecedented move, this journalist has decided to extend an invitation to them for my Wiffle Ball tournament this Saturday (Davey Mac Wiffle Ball Tourney).  But I demand that BOTH men wear funny, red wigs in my honor.  Also in my honor, they should be slightly intoxicated.  Furthermore in my honor, T.O. and Ocho should throw the bat out of anger towards the “kids area” in disgust after making an out.  The bat will then nearly hit a baby…at which point people will start screaming that the game is “too competitive” and “not fun” and we will play the three remaining innings in uncomfortable silence…the only sound being the far-away crying of a toddler who is frightened by the “strange group of scary people” as he points at us sadly.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Peyton Manning who threw his first two Bronco touchdowns yesterday…though I personally would have been more impressed had he thrown two actual broncos instead.  You know, maybe he did an extra-strong shot of steroids and picked up a horse and threw him threw the fucking uprights for a field goal.  Then, maybe Peyton could have snorted a line of coke and chucked the other horse out of the God-Damn stadium.  Denver 10 – dumb, untrained horses nothing.

See you later, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (8/27/12)

Lance Armstrong- “Sometimes you gotta say ‘what the fuck.’” (8/24/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Lance Armstrong is done with cycling and all these bastards who keep claiming that he used performance-enhancing drugs to win 7 Tour de France titles.  He has decided to stop fighting everyone and will instead concentrate on his foundation work.  In other words, “Fuck you, I’m outta here.”  By making this move, the United States Anti-Doping Agency said that they will most likely strip Armstrong of his championships.  Armstrong has always denied using any kind of drugs.  In a statement, he wrote:  “I cannot think straight because of the malicious rumors the USADA is saying about me and…shit, I really could use some steroids right now…I mean…ha…haha…obviously I do NOT take steroids…but if I did…I’d inject them right into my fucking fore-head and go on an Incredible Hulk path of destruction and anarchy…tearing these doping agency-pussies’ fucking heads off and popping them into my mouth like they were a fucking bowl of cherries and WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY STEROIDS AT…NOT THAT I FUCKING DO STEROIDS…BUT IS ANYONE FUCKING HOLDING?!?!  HUH?!?!  I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR SOME FUCKING STEROIDS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Former Eagles running back and Hall-Of-Famer Steve Van Buren has died at the age of 91.  Van Buren played football in the ’40′s and ’50′s, where defensive players were allowed to play a significantly rougher style.  Linebackers were allowed to clothes-line tailbacks, linemen could get away with taking out a bazooka and firing a missile at the quarterback’s head until it exploded like a Gallagher watermelon, cornerbacks were permitted to make a flesh-eating vat of acid that they would dump on a wide receiver’s face when he went up for a catch, and safety’s often kept pet Velociraptors and would release them to devour referees who got in the way.  Yep…it was a different game back then.

I was perusing through Twitter and noticed that Julia Roberts has a verified account in which she has garnered over 460,000 followers and yet she has tweeted exactly zero times!!!  Well this is a formal declaration of WAR against “America’s Sweetheart”!!!  If you don’t start tweeting and tweeting A LOT, Julia, then I will personally make sure that your next three movies are box office bombs, lady!!!  Trust me!!!  I have power, missus!!!  “Don’t fuck with the Dave Man” is what the following people disregarded and look at how karma bit them in the ass:

* Robert Pattinson- slutty girlfriend cheated on him

* Phyllis Diller- was shot dead last night

* The lady whose face was eaten by a chimp- had her face eaten by a chimp

See?  Do you see who you’re fucking with, Julia?!?!  Now start tweeting, bitch, OR ELSE!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to YOU the Davey Mac supporter.  As the summer winds down, I thank you for reading these asinine Reports and listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program(s) on iTunes and Sirius XM Satellite Radio!  We have a new, LIVE, spectacular show on Saturday on Sirius XM at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific…so we’ll see you then! Peace!!  PS- My ass really hurts.  I have shit no less than 12 times since yesterday afternoon.  I think I ate raw chicken (again).

-Dave (8/24/12)

Skip Bayless- “Derek Jeter is a steroid-taking thief and I think we should shit on him for all of his obvious steroid-idness.” (8/23/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and Skip Bayless has Captain America, aka Derek Jeter, in his cross-hairs.  The ESPN talking head/yelling-at-people dude/angry-at-stuff man insinuated that Jeter is having such a good year because of performance-enhancing drugs.  Bayless commented:  “I’m seeing a whole new guy this year from last year…You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, ‘How is he doing this?’”  Well, Skip, maybe Jeter is hitting .324 this year because…oh, I don’t know…he’s a fucking career .313 hitter, you God-Damn nimrod!!  This is why I can’t take Skip Bayless and 98% of those “sports analysts” on ESPN seriously.  I further cannot take Skip Bayless seriously because he looks exactly like Heywood from The Shawshank Redemption and every time I see Bayless on TV, I feel that Brooks is gonna suddenly pop up and hold a knife to Skip’s throat.  Put down the knife, Brooks, Skip Bayless is your friend!!!

Speaking of performance-enhancing drugs, Oakland A’s starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended 50 games for using testosterone.  And for those of you who may not know, his last name is pronounced like “cologne.”  It’s NOT pronounced “cole-in”…because if it were…then his name would basically be Bartolo Ass-Pipe…which would be bad for everybody…either way, he still has one of the largest fucking heads of any creature who is not named “Elephant Man” these drunk eyes have ever seen.

Washington Nationals Manager Davey Johnson says that the team’s young ace, Stephen Strasburg, will probably miss his final 2 to 3 starts due to an organizational decision to protect his arm.  In this writer’s professional opinion, it’s more like they’re protecting his pussy!!!  Bam!!!  Get it?!?!  Because the manager is treating Strasburg like a fucking girl and girls have pussies!!  It’s like Washington is trying to save Strasburg’s hot, wet pussy from over-heating and shit!!!  And then they’ll probably make Strasburg shit out of his pussy and fart from his pussy and…yeah…yeah…I don’t think I understand how pussies work.  I failed biology you know…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre who hit three home runs last night in the Rangers’ 12-3 victory over the Orioles.  That’s three more home runs than this guy, Adrian:

…and this guy:

But interestingly, not as many as this guy…who is former Red Sox third baseman, Wade Boggs:

Have a great day, everyone!  And for a good listen check out this week’s Davey Mac Sports Program (online version), now available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (8/23/12)

Michael Vick’s Ribs! Either this headline is for an injury rort or a tasty, new, South Philly barbecue joint! (8/21/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and the Eagles’ Michael Vick was knocked out of yet another game (albeit a preseason one) last night by some monster from the Patriots named Jermaine Cunningham.  I don’t know how Vick is supposed to win multiple Super Bowls when he seems to get fucked up in every God-Damn football game that he plays in.  If I were Philly’s coach, I would seriously consider putting Vick in an Iron Man suit.  Now I know that I’m just spit-balling here…but I think it could work.  Plus, I feel that the lasers shooting from his metallic hands would be a plus.  And we’re not just talking about football.  Think of all the efficient dog-killing Vick could accomplish if he could shoot lasers at puppies.  He’d be a one-man wrecking crew, I tells ya.  Or maybe we could capture a Yoshi-esque dinosaur for Vick to ride in a la Super Mario.  This way, when defensive players rush Vick and attempt to smash his body into goo, they’d just be colliding with that big, dumb, happy-go-lucky, idiot-of-a-creature.  Again, just spit-balling…you can’t fuckin’ sue me for that.

Breaking News- Augusta National, home of pro golf’s The Masters tournament, has announced that for the first time since it was founded in 1932, they will admit female members to their club.  Yes!  Now if they’ll only allow Jews, blacks, non-Christians, people with curly hair, Canadians, those with slightly-impaired vision, guys with big teeth, Gary Busey, men who snore, animals, Hobbits, people who are tempted to bite into chalk because they think it would taste like a vanilla cookie, circus freaks who have feet where their hands should be, circus freaks who are totally normal, Ewoks, and those who like petting mailboxes…then Augusta would be the most diverse golf club ever!!!  Yaaaaayyyy!!!

The Red Sox have fired pitching coach Bob McClure…and replaced him with McClure’s brother Troy.  In his press conference for the Boston media, Troy McClure stated:  “Hi.  You may remember me from such baseball movies as Timmy, The Bat-Boy From Hell…The General Manager Has Been Eaten By The Mascot…and Someone Tell Marge Schott To Shut Up.”  I don’t know about you, but I think this hiring is the best thing the Bo Sox have done in fucking years!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day actually goes to an owner today, specifically Mikhail Prokhorov, who is the head of the Brooklyn Nets and is dedicated on starting a blood feud with the New York Knicks.  In a magazine article, Prokhorov called Knicks owner James Dolan a “little man.”  Dolan responded by saying, “Well at least I didn’t make my money through the Russian Mob!”  At which point Prokhorov allegedly broke into Madison Square Garden, found Dolan hiding in his office, cut off Dolan’s penis, and shoved it in his mouth.  “I must DICK you,” were the lasts words Dolan heard (uttered by Prokhorov) before he passed out due to intense cock-breath.

See you homies tomorry!!

-Dave (8/21/12)

Silly Melky, tricks are for kids and/or deranged rabbits who like cereal! (8/20/12)

 

It’s your August Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and Melky Cabrera is in some hot shit.  Which is not pleasant to be in…speaking as someone with experience.  I once fell in a vat of hot shit while on my journalistic beat, writing a special expose-story of Fred’s Hot Shit And Warm Piss Factory…which, in my opinion, was not following the residential health codes.  Anyway, after Melky was suspended for 50 games for using synthetic testosterone, we now learn that he was attempting to create a fake website of which he was going to claim he went to in order to buy “supplements”…which then, unbeknownst to Melky, turned out to be spiked with a banned substance.  Christ!  Got all that?  ‘Cause I’ll be honest with you, I’m pretty sure that I fucking don’t!!!  I mean, we’ve got fake websites and spiked supplements and synthetic testosterone and I’m pretty sure I wrote the word “unbeknownst” at some point and my dick has flashed up with little boils yet again that I’m pretending are just “heat lesions” which is in fact a phrase that I invented and has no true medical meaning and we all know that it’s really some venereal dick-plague that I must have gotten from rubbing my cock on the fore-head of a leper when I was too drunk to get a ride home last weekend in New York City.  FUCK!!!

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is pissed off at a video that was posted by Giants punter Steve Weatherford and which shows defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul dumping cornerback Prince Amukamara into an ice tub.  Amukamara appears upset in the video, meanwhile Pierre-Paul high-fives a team-mate and says about Amukamara- “The n—a ain’t gonna do shit to me.”  Journalist’s editorial- I was not offended by the usage of the N-word.  Nor was I offended by Pierre-Paul hazing Amukamara.  What I was offended by was that the God-Damn punter posted this shit on the Internet!!!  I mean, why was the punter hanging around these guys anyway?!?!  In fact, I think I am most offended that Pierre-Paul didn’t turn around after seeing that the punter had crashed their Frightening Football Player Party and instantly decapitated Weatherford’s head right there in front of the God-Damn camera!!!!  Then, Pierre-Paul could’ve carved out the brains of Weatherford’s head and used the punter’s skull as his own personal pimp cup!!!  FUCK!!!!

LeBron James said he would like to play again on the men’s basketball team in the next Olympics.  LeBron, who’s 27-years-old, gave this exact quote- “I did the math and I’ll be 31, and if I have the opportunity to be out there, I will do it.”  Well, daaaaamn, LeBron, I didn’t know you was a MATH GENIUS of sorts!!!  Shit, LeBron!!  You’s good with numbers and whatnot!!!!  Dicks and piss!!  I mean, I’s was a-sittin’ here sayin’ to my Uncle Farty, “If LeBron is 27 years young now…how old would he a-be in four years…and somehow I’s came up with fourty-eight-hundred fuckin’ years old!!!!”  Puss-N-Cocks, LeBron, I’s is so HAPPY you did the math!!!  Oh, thanks ya, LeBron!!  Thanks ya for doin’ the God-Damn fuckin’ Math!!!!!!  Duhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Yankees’ Ichiro, who hit two home runs off of Boston’s Josh Beckett in the Yanks’ 4 to 1 win over the Red Sox.  Hey, here’s a controversial statement- Ichiro is fucking good.  That’s why they call me Davey Mac- The King Of Controversy.  Because of statements like that.

…Ok, ok…no one calls me The King Of Controversy.  They DO, however, call me Davey Mac- The Lord Of Confusion, because I sometimes get my kids mixed up with ferrets.  What?  They’re both small and cute!!!

See ya tomorrow, homies!  Check out the New & Polls section of this site for some very important announcements!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/20/12)

Felix is King of the World! Get it? Because Felix Hernandez’s nick-name is “King Felix” so we thought we’d do like a Titanic-kind of thing and, oh, never-fucking-mind… (8/16/12)

 

It’s your August Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and “King” Felix Hernandez is just plain awesome.  He has floated under the national sports radar these past three or four years because most of his Seattle Mariner team-mates have been living, breathing, piles of shit who strike out often and suck worse than 92% of the alive pieces of shit out there.  But not even his screwy, cum-head team-mates could have fucked up Felix’s game yesterday; as he threw the third perfect game of the MLB season (and sixth no-hitter overall).  Are we officially in the Era of the Pitcher?  You’re God-Damn right we are.  And that’s just fine with the Dave Man…’cause I plan on fillin’ up some pitchers full of Budweiser tomorrow, baby, and watching Let It Ride on cable!!  My Era of the Pitcher happens every Friday, dawg, and usually starts with beer, and then goes into pitchers of Jack & Cokes, and then pitchers of gasoline (unleaded) and usually ends with a puddle of lighter fluid and shit having mysteriously been sprayed onto the couch!!!  Let the Era of Pitchers commence!!!  Fuuuuck yeah!!!!

This year’s MLB All-Star Game MVP, Melky Cabrera, has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for testosterone.  This means that the Giants outfielder will miss the rest of the season, and the first five game of the post-season (should San Francisco get there).  What kind of person is named “Melky”?  I’ll tell you what kind…the God-Damned cheatin’ kind!  That’s one of my talents…in case you didn’t know…I’m rather adept at identifying a name and matching it up with a certain situation (like Melky and cheatin’).  For instance, what kind of person is named “Harold”?  I’ll tell you- the sort of man who would slap a cow in the face for being lazy…THAT’S who!!!  And what sort of lady would be named “Felicia”?  The sort of broad who would give two hand-jobs to a couple of Arabian princes and then miss work the next day!!!  And what kind of man would be named “Dave”?!?!  I’ll tell you…the kind of a dude who would write an online sports article with no pants on and one hand on his genitals…THAT’S fucking who!!!!

The U.S. men’s soccer team beat Team Mexico yesterday in Mexico for the first time ever in the 75 years that the teams have played there.  Mexico still has 23 wins in their home country compared to America’s one win.  Wow.  I haven’t heard of an American getting his ass killed that hard by a Mexican since Quentin Tarantino got shot in his smiley head in Desperado after telling that fucking joke!!  Hey, in your defense, Quentin, I thought the joke was funny!!!  Get a God-Damn sense of humor, Mexico, sheeeeesh!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my son Stan for waking me up this morning by throwing a football at my head…interrupting a beatiful dream that I was having about being in the Millennium Falcon with Joyce DeWitt (1970′s version).  Thanks A LOT, Stan!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!  And we have a brand new Davey Mac Sports Program up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!    Peace!!

-Dave (8/16/12)

Ev & Divorce-o! (8/15/12)

 

It’s your August Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Evelyn Lozada has filed for divorce from Chad Johnson after Johnson allegedly head-butted her over the weekend.  The football player and reality person (I refuse to call her a “star”) had been signed to appear in “Ev & Ocho”, which was going to be a VH1 reality show about their new marriage, but the show has been dropped.  Damn, VH1, why would you NOW cancel the fucking show?!?!  Domestic violence, people getting divorced, a crazy wide receiver who once changed his last name to a Spanish version of his football jersey number- this would have been the best fucking reality series out there!!!  Instead, we’ll just have to keep watching the forty-nine God-Damn Gordon Ramsay shows on television!!!!  And I think there’s yet another Gordon Ramsay program coming out where Ramsay gets so angry at his amateur, shitty chefs burning the steaks, that he slits the throat of a baby lamb in front of them, and lets the blood shoot onto the chefs’ faces.  Then, he draws swastikas on the chefs’ foreheads with the blood and shoves them into his Hell’s Kitchen ovens.  I believe the name of the show is Gordon Ramsay’s Concentration Camp.  Coming to FOX this Fall.

Despite reports claiming that Pedroia and other Red Sox players had a meeting with Boston ownership and asked for Sox manager Bobby Valentine to be fired, Pedroia is saying that he never called for Valentine’s job.  Then somebody is lying.  And I aim to find out just who that someone is, dag-nabbit.  That’s right- Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator) is on the case!  And as the world’s first, foremost, and thus far only perverted investigator, I plan on going to Pedroia’s locker at Fenway Park, and jerking off in his cup!!  Bam!!!  Then, I’ll rub David Ortiz’s bat between my ass cheeks!!  Boom!!  And finally, I’ll take Bobby V’s hat and shit in it and wear it on my head and take a picture!!  Then I’ll send said picture to GuysInShitHats.com and make twenty-five bucks!!  Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator)- he always gets his man…and then jizzes in the man’s shoes!

Players on the Washington Nationals are criticizing the management for saying that they will shut down ace Stephen Strasburg this season after he hits his innings limit.  Mark DeRosa called it “devastating.”  That’s not devastating, Mark, I’LL tell you what God-Damn devastating is- getting your dick caught in a jar of glue; foolishly bringing Rip Taylor to your mom’s funeral; trying to compete in an ear-biting contest against Mike Tyson…THAT shit is fucking devastating, Mark!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Albert Pujols, who hit his 26th home run of the season last night as his team beat the Indians, 9 to 6.  It seems like just yesterday that Pujols only had one home run for the season and we were calling the Angels’ signing a bust.  Well, looks like we have egg on our faces, daddy.  Egg, some peppers, and a little jizz…and we’ll call it a Western Cumelet, and serve it for breakfast in Davey Mac’s Perverted Cafe.  #ThinkingOutsideTheBox

See you THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program…LIVE on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (8/15/12)