Joe Philbin- "Ochocinco is a fucking jerk." (8/14/12)

 

It's your August Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin says that the team releasing Chad Johnson had nothing to do with his domestic battery arrest.  That's like saying that my farting problem has no relation to the fact that I've snorted eight White Castle burgers this morning and that I have a loose asshole.  I mean, it's looser than Madonna's pussy, I tells ya.  I mean, my asshole is so loose, you could fit two midgets comfortably in there and have them play a ping pong game!  THAT'S loose, I says!!!  My asshole is SO FUCKING LOOSE that I just threw it over a terrorist and choked him out with it!!  It's fucking loose!!!!

Red Sox legend Johnny Pesky has died at the age of 92.  He was a shortstop for Boston in the '40's and '50's, but most may know him for the fact that the right field foul pole at Fenway is known as the Pesky Pole.  That's awesome to have your own foul pole named after you.  If I could get a place in the world of sports named after me, it would be the 12th hole at the Bel-Aire Public Golf Course in Wall, New Jersey, where, when I was 17, I got a case of beer and somehow convinced this girl named Sheila to break into the course and hang out with me.  Of course, I didn't get anywhere, and the next morning I awoke to sprinklers going off, surrounded by empty beer cans, with a pile of shit in my pants and a security guard calling the police.  I'd call that "Davey Mac's Hole Of Shame."

Boy, I miss the Olympics.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm going through some serious Olympic withdrawal today.  I'm shaking, sweating, seeing things.  I'm rocking back and forth.  I suddenly have scabs on my face.  I'm listening to the Velvet Underground.  My piss stinks.  It's horrible.

...On second thought, I think I'm confusing the Olympics with heroin again...sorry!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Nick Swisher, whose grand slam led the first-place Yankees over the first-place Rangers, 8 to 2.  Swisher said after the game, "I'd like to thank my team-mates, the fans, and mostly, my Dylan McKay-sideburns.  Thanks, fellas!  And, Brenda, if you try giving me any more shit, I'm gonna put you on my dad's boat and blow it the fuck up!!!!!"

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (8/14/12)

Farewell, Olympics! Farewell, London! Farewell, Queen Fart-Breath! (8/13/12)

 

It’s your August Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 2012 Summer Olympics have officially concluded.  Last night’s stirring Closing Ceremony included performances from such rock and roll icons as One Direction (who the fuck?), George Michael (when did he get out of prison?), and the Spice Girls (???????).  Thus, in this journalist’s humble opinion, I ask the question, “London, what THE FUCK were you thinking?!?!  Damn, homies!!!!!”  I mean, where was Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Roger Waters, Radiohead, etc?!  Who the dick are One Direction?!?!  I STILL don’t know!!!  …But at least you had Eric Idle…I liked that part a lot…it made me so excited that I farted on my dog…

But alas, it was a great Olympics.  Usain Bolt won three gold medals.  We said goodbye to Michale Phelps.  And the American women’s soccer team won the gold and then started fisting each other on the podium while the Star-Spangled Banner played.  Or maybe I hallucinated that last one.  Hey, don’t blame me…I was smoking a shitload of pot during these God-Damn games to take the edge off!!!  It’s a lot of pressure watching Olympic Ping Pong, trust me!!!!

And congrats to the U.S. men’s basketball team that beat Spain yesterday, 107 to 100, and won the gold medal in the process.  LeBron James became just the second player ever (along with Michael Jordan) to win the NBA regular season MVP, the NBA Finals, the Finals MVP, and an Olympic gold medal in the same year.  Shit…that’s a hell of a few months for LeBron.  In that time all I’ve won was a summons from an NYPD officer for accidentally pissing on the Iranian Embassy in mid-town Manhattan.  OK, fine, it wasn’t an accident.  And, fine, it was shit not piss.  And, FINE, it wasn’t the Iranian Embassy, it was a pre-school for blind children but you get the fucking picture!!!!!

Now in other sports news, Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson was arrested for domestic battery over the weekend after he allegedly head-butted his wife.  The term “head-butt” is funny to me.  I don’t know if the weed is kicking in or what…but can you imagine if someone had an actual butt for a head?  And then when they shat it would look like they were throwing up.  That’d be one of the benefits of having a butt for a head, I suppose.  Shit, this is good pot.  Anyway, sources say that after Ochocinco head-butted the girl, he quickly slapped a figure-four leglock on the woman and then turned it into a Camel Clutch.  Way to wrestle, Chad!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck, who made his preseason debut with the Colts and looked pretty damned good, throwing a 63-yard touchdown on his very first pass.  I think this Luck character is gonna turn out to be a solid QB…even if he does look like Pig Face from The Twilight Zone.  

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!!

- Dave (8/13/12)

Dwight Howard goes to the Dream Team Part 2…and unfortunately…we’re not talking about a sequel to the Michael Keaton movie. (8/10/12)

 

It’s your August Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for answering my prayers.  This God-Damn Dwight Howard saga is done.  No more hearing about how Dwight is “all in” with the Orlando Magic, and then how he wants to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets fifteen minutes later, and then how he will stay in Orlando, and then how he wouldn’t mind going to Houston, and how he enjoys vanilla ice cream, but then he prefers chocolate, and upon re-thinking it, he actually likes strawberry, and upon reflection, he hates ice cream altogether and wants to choke out small birds because they give him the creeps, and now that he really thinks about it, he wishes he could build a robot that would do everything for him except cutting his toe nails because he’s into that kind of thing.  We have gotten word that Dwight Howard has finally been traded to the Lakers, where he will team up with Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and newly-acquired Steve Nash.  Fuck, man.  That’s a damned Dream Team if ever there was one.  Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for ending this historically annoying NBA plot-line.  And if you have room enough up there to answer one more prayer, could you get me one of those fancy Dwight Howard Robots that does all that shit?  Thanks.

Usain Bolt came in first in the 200-meter sprint yesterday…becoming the only runner in history to win gold medals in the 100m and 200m in back-to-back Olympics.  That’s pretty damned amazing.  It also marks Bolt as the greatest Jamaican athlete since former Knicks power forward Grace Jones, who not only averaged 12.6 rebounds per game in 1983, but also killed six Celtics in a single quarter with her notorious “Death Pussy.”  Congrats, Usain!

Well, it took exactly one quarter in a preseason game for Michael Vick to get injured, slamming his thumb on his center’s helmet.  I don’t know how the Eagles are gonna have a “dynasty” (which Vick said they were capable of, earlier in the summer), if their fucking quarterback cannot stay on the God-Damned field!!!  Hey Michael Vick, how about stopping it with the high-falutin prognostications already, and begin getting your head out of your ass, and staying healthy for two seconds so that your team can win some fucking football games!!!  And no, I’m not gonna bring up the fact that you electrocuted dogs…we’re past that, daddy…but if I found out that you shot cats with bows and arrows then I’m gonna be fucking pissed!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Pietasters, who I plan on seeing on a boat today in New York City for a Pietasters Booze Cruise.  Of course, there also is rain, wind, lightning, and hail in the forecast for this evening…so this will probably be the last time that I speak to you alive.  Thus, in the event of my death, I shall ask you to bury me with a sparkler in my ass…you know…for giggles.  Good eve.

Have a great weekend!!  Join us on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!!  Adios, amigos!!

-Dave (8/10/12)

Lolo Jones to the Media- “If you call me Kournikova one more time, I’m gonna rip your fucking dicks off!!” (8/9/12)

 

It’s your August Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones is pissed off (after finishing fourth in the 100-meter hurdles) that some in the sports media are now coomparing her to Anna Kournikova, aka the “Most-Fuckable-Yet-Unable-To-Win-A-Tournament Tennis Player Of All Time.”  I don’t know what Lolo is crying about.  If I was compared to Kournikova, I would never stop shoving dildo’s in my hot pussy.  Then I’d lick my fingers and squeeze my cold Russian nipples until they looked as fucked up as Mikhail Gorbachev’s head.  Then I’d to to where the Berlin Wall used to be, and I would get gang-banged by East and West Germans alike!!!  Let’s fuck, comrade!!!!

The U.S. Men’s basketball team beat Australia- 119 to 86.  I can never tell the difference between Australia and New Zealand.  I know Peter Jackson is from one of them.  I love those fucking Hobbit movies so much.  This weed is really fucking good.  Anyway, if I could be one character in those movies, I’d be either Merry or Pippin…those two fucking Hobbits had it easy…eatin’ all day…shootin’ off fireworks and shit…I’m gettin’ high, dogsie…if I had to finger an animal, I’d choose a water buffalo, just ’cause…I wish my head was a basketball…sometimes I think my farts are just chocolate gusts of wind…I’m hungry now…my dick feels like cottage cheese…trees are fucking weird…I’m too high…

Golf’s fourth and final major of the year, the PGA Championship, begins today.  My prediction- Tiger Woods is gonna finally win his first grand slam tournament since all the shit with the Perkins waitress and all those other slut-bags went down.  Hey, don’t think I’m excusing Tiger.  He’s a slut-bag as well.  They’re ALL fucking slut-bags.  Tiger, the Perkins waitress, waitresses everywhere, Perkins restaurants in general, food chains all over America, people who make noises when they write, kids who whine when you don’t feed them, cats who drunkenly think they’re dogs, meat balls who come to life…they’re ALL fucking slut-bags.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who I saw puking yesterday on 44th Street and Eighth Avenue in New York City.  The thing that made this man special was that he was smiling while throwing up.  Now that’s some happy fucking vomit!!!

See you tomorrow, #DavePound!!!  This week’s killer episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is now up on iTunes and RiotCast.com!!! Subscribe and enjoy!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/9/12)

Oh, Canada...you fucking choked!!! (8/7/12)

 

It's your August Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and, in all honesty, I am usually not much of a soccer fan, nor do I generally enjoy women's sports, nor do I bathe Tuesdays through Fridays, and I certainly can't name any of the state capitals, nor do I like seeing babies pee, but yesterday's Olympic semifinal match between the U.S. and Canada was one of the greatest sporting matches of any kind since Randy Savage Vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat in Wrestlemania III.  The only way the game could have been better is if George "The Animal" Steele and his big, retarded, green tongue suddenly bit the head off the Canadian goal-tender.  Canada took a one to nothing lead in the match.  The U.S. came back.  Canada went up 2-1.  U.S. tied it up again!  Canada went up again 3-2.  And the U.S. fucking tied it yet again!!!!  And then the Americans won it in the second overtime period with seconds to spare!!!!!  FUCK!!!  I gotta tell tell you, usually the Dave Man does not get hard for women's soccer...he gets hard for women's hair-pull-parties, or women's socks that they've left behind at the house because they were hanging out with Dave's wife and then Dave takes the socks and smells them and keeps 'em in a box labeled Happy Things...but this soccer match was fucking awesome!!!!  U-S-A!!!!

Jets head coach Rex Ryan yelled at his team after his players got into multiple fights at a training camp practice the other day.  Football players getting into pre-season brawls is about as normal as Pat Sajak beating the holy piss out of Vanna White...or Bob Barker shoving Rod Roddy's into a toilet...or Gene Rayburn throwing Brett Sommers off a cliff...hey...shit happens.

Meanwhile, Tim Tebow responded to Boomer Esiason's comments that Tebow should be released by the Jets organization.  Tebow said: "I'll pray for Boomer.  I'll pray for his soul.  I'll especially pray that he gets hit by a fucking bus on 42nd Street and that Jets fans cut his head off and put it on a spike in the middle of Times Square for running his fuckin' mouth!!!!  That's what he gets for being a grown man who goes by the child-like name of"Boomer"...the albino cock-sucker!!!!  Amen."

Legendary NFL primadonna Terrell Owens has signed a contract with the Seahawks in an attempt to make a comeback.  Upon getting to training camp, Owens said that he will support whoever the quarterback is going to be this season by berating him on the sidelines, doing sit-ups in his driveway, crying while talking on a podium, and generally being a bigger asshole than Fred Hitler (Adolf's older brother who...trust us...was actually a worse person than the Fuhrer).

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels' Jered Weaver, who shutout the suddenly hot A's, 4 to nothing.  Weaver is definitely in the Cy Young hunt.  Unlike this guy...who just plain sucks...

See you homies tomorrow!!!

-Dave (8/7/12)

Andy Murray to Roger Federer- “FUCK YOU, SWISS CHEESE!” (8/6/12)

 

It’s your August Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Murray captured the gold medal in men’s singles tennis in the Olympics yesterday after beating Roger Federer.  Murray won the gold for Great Britain, though this journalist knows that he is from Scotland…and that it is bullshit when someone calls him “British.”  To me, British means English, and Scottish is Scottish, and I’ll go to my fucking grave believing that!!!  Someone could come and piss in my mouth right now and I ain’t changin’ my fucking mind!!!  Come on!!  Do it!!!!  Piss in my mouth, you fucking chicken!!!!  Yeah!!!  Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh!!!  That feels goooooooood!!!!  As William “He’s-Scottish-And-Not-British” Wallace said: “Freeeeeeeeedom!!!!”

Usain Bolt defended his gold medal in the 100-meter dash to retain his title of “World’s Fastest Man.”  I like Usain Bolt’s celebratory pointing move after he wins a race.  It sorta looks like Hulk Hogan’s “I’m-old-but-I’m-gonna-flex-my-muscles” move.  Except the Hulkster is way sweatier than Usain.  I think we should all thank Usain for not getting oiled up before sprinting.  It would be gross.  And that’s my opinion and nothing’s gonna change it…you could come in here and shit in my mouth and I wouldn’t budge!!  Go ahead, fucker!!!  Shit in my mouth!!!!!  Yeeeaaaaaahhh!!!!

In some sad news, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid’s son Garrett was found dead in his hotel room where the team practices for training camp.  Garrett had struggled in the past with drugs, but the cause of death has not been determined.  This is just tragic.  Even if you don’t like the Eagles…it’s still terrible.  And if you disagree with me, then I dare you to fart and pour poison and throw dynamite down my mouth.  Go ahead, pussy!!!  I fucking DARE you!!!!  Yeeeeehhaaaww!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Serena Williams who won TWO Olympic gold medals over the weekend- one for singles and another for doubles.  After her singles victory over Maria Sharapova, Serena celebrated by doing a Crip Walk.  This was a strange choice in dances as her sister was shot and killed…by a fucking Crip!!!!  Hey, Serena, get your fucking head out of your ass!!!!!  Maybe you could have done the twist or the mash potato or something other than the Dance Of Your Sister’s Murderer, you fucking idiot!!!!

See you tomorrow, homies!!!!

-Dave (8/6/12)

Lochte = Choking Pussy (8/3/12)

 

It’s your August Third Davey Mac Sports Report and all I heard before the Olympics was that this Ryan Lochte character is the new Michael Phelps.  And yet, after winning a gold medal in his first race, he has gotten upset and finished out of the top spot for three consecutive races.  Last night, he finished third in the 200m backstroke.  I know what you’re saying: “Davey Mac, let’s see YOU get a bronze medal at the Olympics, you red-haired fucking orangutang cock-sucker!!!!“  Well, first off- just give me a pair of swim trunks, daddy, and you’ll fucking see what the Dave Man can do!!!  I’ll backstroke the FUCK out of the water so hard that I’ll look like a God-Damn red missile that has been fired from a Cold War Russian submarine!!  And secondly…did you really have to call me an orangutang?  It just hurt, is all…

Meanwhile, the U.S. Men’s basketball team annihilated the holy fuck out of Nigeria with a 156 to 73 final score.  That’s a win of 83 fucking points!!!!!  And, yes, it took me about an hour and a half to figure that out!!  I first got a point difference of over 200 points, so I thought that seemed wrong.  Then, the second time I tried to do the math, I somehow came up with an answer of “pie and cake and other mathematical desserts.”  And my third solution was simply “NERF.”  Fuck, I suck at math.

The new owner of the Browns, Jimmy Haslam, said that he is “fired up” to be “in Cleveland.”  In related news, that is the first time in the history of the fucking world that ANYONE has been “fired up” to be in Cleveland and that includes YOU Drew Carey and you fucking know it, that’s why you live in L.A. now and don’t give me that Price Is Right shit, you could have moved the show to fucking Ohio if you really cared!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Olympics!  Honestly, I’m loving the SHIT out of these games!  Truly!  My dick is hard right now as we fucking speak!!!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!  Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!

-Dave (8/3/12)

Women can play the shit out of sports after all!!! (8/2/12)

 

It’s your August Second Davey Mac Sports Report and it’s pretty clear that these Olympics are being owned by the women.  Supple…sweaty…big-toothed…sweet-faced…sometimes lazy-eyed…but all around great, American girls, daddy.  Fuck yeah.  The U.S. women’s gymnastic team won the gold medal for the first time since that little broken-footed Hobbit Kerri Strug led her team to the gold in 1996.  Congrats, ladies, we should play one of the USA’s greatest rock anthems, “American Woman”, by one of the USA’s best bands, The Guess Who, on a running loop for you in your Olympic Village rooms and—

—huh?  The Guess Who is Canadian???  And that song was actually ANTI-American?!?!?!  Well, then FUCK YOU, Canada!!!  And fuck Michael J. Fox, and fuck Geddy Lee right in the anus, and fuck Pele right in his cankles, and fuck Oasis, and fuck EVERYBODY!!!!!!  U-S-A!!!!!!!

Meanwhile the women’s swim team won the gold medal for their first-place performance in the relay.  These are some strong-looking broads.  I feel like if I were to arm wrestle any of them, I’d probably get my ass kicked.  Oh, who am I kidding, I’d probably get my ass kicked by Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder…oh, who am I kidding, I’d most likely get my ass kicked and then stuffed in a garbage can by Harriet, the bitchy little red-haired girl who lived next door to Vicki…oh, who am I kidding, I’d surely get my ass kicked, lit on fire, and stabbed with needles by Jamie, the human boy whose house Vicky stayed in and who most likely put Vicky on sleep mode at night so that he could rape her with his little Jamie cock.

Oh, and the USA women’s basketball team crushed Turkey, 89 to 58.  I think if America continues to dominate like this, they should get something special, in addition to the medals.  How about gold dildo’s?  Or pictures of me shoving dental floss into my dick-hole?  Take your time and think it over, Olympic Committee, I think it’s a good idea.

I guess that this means that the Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to CHICKS!!  Specifically- AMERICAN chicks!!  Congrats, ladies!!  You might spend too much money, and violently murder your husbands in their sleep, and use Facebook as a tool to gossip/blackmail/conspire/fornicate with, but you are THE dominant sex at the Olympics!!  Hip, hip, hooray!

Hey, homies!!  A brand new Davey Mac show is now available!!!  Go to Go to RiotCast.com and/or iTunes to get it!!

-Dave (8/2/12)

What do you want, Michael Phelps, a medal???? Hahahahaha!!! ………Seriously, do you want another medal? (8/1/12)

 

It’s your August First Davey Mac Sports Report and Michael Phelps is a bigger Medal-head than James Hetfield or those two guys from American Movie at this point.  He captured two more (one of them gold) last night and now has more medals than any other Olympian in history.  Phelps said after his historical achievement:  “Hey Carl Lewis, I’ve got an idea…why don’t you mangle the Star-Spangled Banner again and then fuck yourself, dick-nose?  Hey Bruce Jenner, a thought just came to me- maybe you should get another shitty face-lift and put the Olympic torch squarely up your plastic ass?  Hey Mark Spitz, guess what?  NO ONE in America remembers you OR your fucked-up mustache, jizz-face!!!  I am Michael Phelps, American…and I OWN the God-Damn Olympics!!!  Rrrrrrroooaaarrr!!!!!!!”

You know, we here at the Sports Headquarters kick ass every morning, Monday through Friday.  Then, on top of that, we do two hugely popular and original sports shows, one on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, and the other on RiotCast.com/iTunes.  We also make a shitload of good videos on YouTube.  Thus, I figure somewhere in the ESPN universe, we could be given a show with which we would dominate the world of sports, comedy, etc.  And yet, this is who ESPN is putting on their airwaves:

This scary-looking man’s name is Wayne Drehs.  And I don’t want to be rude, and God knows I am no Mona Lisa, but three words come to mind when I see this frightening, Milos Forman movie-extra-looking man on television:  “Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!  Wayne Drehs!!!!!!”   Again, I ain’t no Brad Pitt.  Heck, I’m not even Brad Garrett.  But for shit’s sake, ESPN, if you can put Wayne “Ahhhhhh-Hide-The-Fuckin’-Kids-Here-He-Comes” Drehs on the air, then why not Davey Mac?  Just some food for thought.  Anyway, I need to gi—-

—-oh shit!!!  I think I hear the Wayne Drehs Monster a-comin’!!!!  RUN!!!!!!

The U.S. Men’s basketball team fucked the shit out of Tunisia yesterday- 110 to 63.  The only thing I know about Tunisia is that George Lucas love the dick out of it.  He filmed the original Star Wars there…as well as Raiders of the Lost Ark…among other Lucasfilm movies.  Hey, George!!  You do know that there’s other deserts in the world besides fucking Tunisia, right, Big Ears?!?!  Shit, George!!  Stop with the Bob Vila plaid shirts already and take a God-Damned geography course!!!!

Notre Dame will suspend their starting QB, Tommy Rees, for the opening game of the season after Rees was arrested for under-age drinking and resisting arrest.  I’m glad I didn’t play football for Notre Dame, with all my under-age drinking AND resisting arrest charges, I would have been suspended every fucking week!!!  Real transcript from Davey Mac at college:  “Blllllllaaaaahhhhh!!!  I’m fucking druuuuuuuunk!!!  Hey!!!  Hey, fuck YOU, Officer!!!  What are you gonna arrest me?!?!?  Hahahahaha!!!  Hey!!  Hey, what are the handcuffs for?!?!?!?!  Blllluuuuurgggghhhh!!!!!!  Drrrroooowwwllllll!!!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Pirates’ A.J. Burnett who threw a one-hitter against the Cubs yesterday as Pittsburgh won, 5 to 0.  Good for A.J.  He’s had a particularly bad couple of years.  His career went to shit on the Yankees.  He fell down some stairs.  He bunted a basbeall into his own eye socket, breaking it.  His head caught on fire.  His dog was possessed by the Devil.  His fingernails started talking to him at night.  His butt fell off.  And his mother turned out to be a man…named Morley Safer…of 60 Minutes.  Good for A.J.

See you guys tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  Watch it LIVE on RiotCast.com and/or Ustream this evening at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/1/12)

Franklin wins the gold! Jefferson jealous! (7/31/12)

 

It’s your July Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and seventeen-year-old swimmer Missy Franklin of the USA is suddenly an international superstar as she took home the Gold in the 100-meter backstroke yesterday.  And she did it by winning the event just fourteen minutes after swimming in another race (the semifinals for the 200-meter freestyle)!!  Shit, dawg!!  This teenager is one of hell of a Swim Beast!!  While Michael Phelps is blazing up in his hotel room and watching The Wall for the 80th time, and while Ryan Lochte has suddenly not found the gold medal in his last two races because he is designing green sneakers for some reason that even a leprechaun would say “look like shit,” this under-aged broad has stolen America’s heart.  These are the stories that make the Olympics something special.  Narratives like the time Kerri Strug won the gymnastics gold with a broken ankle.  Or when Jess Owens crushed the competition in the 1936 Olympics, in Berlin, with Adolf Hitler watching on.  Hitler, in disgust at a black man beating his runners, apparently shit in his underwear a little.  Embarrassed, he attempted to throw out his ruined Nazi boxers in the restroom garbage can, but was spotted by German super-general, Erwin Rommel, who disapprovingly stared at him.  The two would never speak of the incident…but for years they’d exchange a secret glance…one that said: “Hitler shit himself and tried to hide it.”  Fin.

Roughly one thousand Penn State fans gathered together this morning in order to show the football team their support.  The fans carried signs that had quotes from Winston Chuchill, Thomas Paine, and Vince Lombardi on them.  Meanwhile, one thousand NAMBLA fans gathered outside Jerry Sandusky’s jail cell to show him their support.  They had signs with quotes from Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, and Alex Trebek on them…Alex Trebek?!?!  Wow!!  Who fucking knew?!?!?!

Yankees first basement Mark Teixeira will have an MRI today after injuring his wrist in last night’s game against the Orioles (Baltimore won, 5 to 4).  Upon hearing this, the Yanks’ flamboyant radio play-by-play man and pun artist, John Sterling, commented:  “He’s off the Mark!!!  He’s sent a Tex Message to the doctor that says, ‘Hey, Doc, I broke my fuckin’ wrist!!!’  His cock has some MARKS on it!!  Trust me, I’ve taken pictures of him when I was hiding in his hotel bathroom!!!  The Yankees wiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!!!!!’”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Kendrys Morales who became just the third switch-hitter in the history of baseball to hit a home run from each side of the plate in the same inning.  Damn, that’s impressive.  I once did that..but it was a Wiffle Ball game and hardly as difficult as hitting in the Big Leagues.  I also once ate so much popcorn covered with hot sauce that I felt like I was shitting lava for 72 hours.  And once, I tried to find out how long I could keep a hamster in my mouth- 47 minutes.  Also, I’ve sat in the same spot for eighteen straight hours, in my own urine, very high on strong acid.  And that, my friends, is a world record that still stands.

See you tomorry, muchachos!!!

- Dave (7/31/12)