Battle of the Sports Bra’s- Hope Solo Vs. Brandi Chastain! Rrrrrrrrowl!! (7/30/12)

 

It’s your July Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and USA Women’s Soccer goalie Hope Solo has just essentially called NBC analyst Brandi Chastain a dumb fucking slutbag who is older and more out to lunch than Queen Elisabeth.  After Chastain had a couple of critical comments regarding the American ladies’ performance in the Olympics (they’ve won both games they’ve played in, by the way), Solo tweeted:

“Its 2 bad we cant have commentators who better represents the team&knows more about the game.”

Bam!  Slam!  Cock-jam!  You just been pown3d by Solo, Brandi!!  But, the Dave Man has a way for you to get Solo back, Brandi!!  I say you take Solo, freeze her in Carbonite, and ship her bitch-tits over to Jabba the Hutt where he can hang her on the wall like the whore-decoration that she is!!!!!

Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite athletic pot-head, Michael “Cheech & Chong” Phelps, has swam in two races, and has yet to win a gold medal.  Phelps says that he is still “confident” that he will win a race before the Olympics ends.  Phelps also says that he is “really hungry” because of how “fucking high” he is right now.  Phelps furthermore says that he “would like to put on some Phish, specifically Chalkdust Torture,” so that he can “mellow out, man.” Finally, Phelps says that “it would be really weird” if, like, “all human life was just the hallucination of one, giant, psychedelic Star Baby.”

The U.S. men’s basketball team beat France, 98 to 71, in their first game of the Olympic tournament.  I’m glad France got taken down.  I went there once when I was 18…and I had to pay five fucking francs for a Coke!!!  And then, on top of that, the Coke was only eight ounces!!!  That’s like 1.2 Francs per ounce of fucking Coke!!!  What a God-Damn ripoff!!!  I’m not made of francs, France, you fucking pussies!!!  Thank God LeBron and homies shut down your thieving Frog asses, you embezzling European bastards!!!!  Fuck YOU!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Red Sox infielder Pedro Ciriaco, whose single in the tenth inning helped Boston beat the Yankees, 3 to 2.  And a second Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Pedro Cerrano, whose huge home run helped the Indians beat the Yankees in Major League.  Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill!!!!!

See you tomorrow, buddy-pals!!!  Check out Davey Mac on the Glory Hole show on RiotCast.com!!!  Good shit!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (7/30/12)

The Olympics are HERE!!! (7/27/12)

 

It’s a very abbreviated July Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report because I have slept very little this week and I need to get out of here.  There is shit in my underwear and I think some bugs are crawling on my neck.  I am sweaty and I didn’t shower because power went out last night in our house and we also lost hot water.  I don’t know what kind of fucking electric company we’re using but I think it’s called New Jersey Power-Goes-Out-When-A-Fucking-Fly-Sneezes Electric Company.  I can’t take it anymore.  We’ve lost power in our home sixteen times since November.  What the fuck is this?  Who do I have to fart on to get my God-Damn electricity to work properly?!?!?!  Huh?!?!?  ‘Cause I’ll do it!!!!!!  I’ll fuckin’ fart!!!!  I’ve got my pants down as we speak and I’ll fuckin’ fart up a storm, Heavens-to-Betsy!!!!  Don’t test me!!!!

Anyway, the Olympics begin tonight with the Opening Ceremony on NBC at 8 PM Eastern.  I’m so psyched!!  My favorite events include:

* The 400 sprint

* Women’s Beach Volleyball

* Men’s Mountain Dickball

* Troll’s Under-The-Bridge MissingTeethball

* The 800 Cum Toss

* Dynamite Suck

Are you guys excited?  I hope so.  I like seeing you excited.  Not in a sexual way…ok, fine…in a sexual way.  Anyway, let’s rock these fucking Olympics!!!  And remember- the Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE on Sirius 206, XM 105 on Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Have a great weekend!!!!

- Dave (7/27/12)

TAKE OFFENSE - a short story by David McDonald (7/27/12)

 

TAKE OFFENSE

by David McDonald

There he was.  Dangling off a cliff as he desperately clutched the front bumper of his beaten-up Corvette that, like him, had seen better days.  Shane Sullivan had made some mistakes in his life.  This was one of them.

Two hours earlier, Shane had been in a card game, when he noticed a beautiful girl walk into the room.  He had stared at her as if he had just been given a pair of aces…drunkenly, happily.

“Who’s that?” Shane asked Doyle.

“That’s his daughter,” Doyle replied.

The “his” in the equation was The Pock, Vincente Galari.  He was called The Pock because of the pockmarks that were scattered over his face.  The Pock didn’t mind the nick-name, in fact he actually liked it.  He felt it made people uneasy…and that was his job…as the Boss of his crime organization.

“So?  That means I can’t go out with her?” Shane asked with a distinctive slur in his speech.

“That’s exactly what it means,” said Doyle.

The girl’s name was Rosario.  And she was a stunner.  She made eyes with Shane, who was sinking deeper and deeper into debt because he played poker too often and too drunk.  He decided to walk over to her, see if she wanted to go for a ride.

“You want to get outta here?” he asked.

“Do you know who my father is?” Rosario inquired.

“Yeah, he’s that ugly guy.”

Rosario giggled, grabbed Shane’s hand…and the two were in the car, driving on a snake-curved road…the kind of road that one thinks only exists in the movies.

As they were speeding around the corners, Rosario leaned in for what Shane was thinking at worst was a kiss, and at-best a driver’s seat blowjob.

“You know, Shane,” she said, “I take offense that you think my father is ugly.  I also take offense that you are driving while under the influence.  I furthermore take offense that you owe my father $30,000 and it looks as if you have no way of paying the money.”

“Jesus, you are one sensitive, bitch.” Shane said dryly.

“I also take offense that you would A.) call me sensitive and B.) would refer to me as a ‘bitch.’”

“Fuck, lady,” Shane said.

“I also take offense to the fact that people don’t think wizards are real.  And I take offense that animals don’t speak English.  I take offense at being tickled underwater…” Rosario declared.

“Maybe we should go home,” nervously said Shane.

“…I take offense that midgets take offense at being called midgets.  I take offense that we can’t drink paint without getting sick, even though it looks so good.  I take offense that I have never seen a proper goblin…”

“Jesus Christ.”

“I take offense that mud and poo are the same color.  I take offense that doctors don’t like to be stalked apparently.  And I really take offense that you, as the driver, would not wear your seat-belt.”

Rosario leaned over to the driver’s side and slammed the brake with her left foot.  Shane went flying wildly threw the windshield as the car barely came to a screeching halt before it rocketed off the cliff.  Shane grabbed the front bumper.  It was the only thing that separated him from the rocky ground that awaited 300 feet below.

Rosario got out of the car, and slowly walked over to Shane, still grabbing the bumper.

“And mostly, I take offense that you would drive me around in a shitty, broken-down Corvette.  I’m a Ferrari-kind of girl,” she said.

Rosario kicked at Shane’s hands.  One of them came off the bumper.  He clung with one hand to his car, the bumper about to give way.  Shane then reached into his jacket with his free hand and pulled out a gun.

“I take offense that you are an elitist bitch…Corvettes rule.” Shane said, before shooting Rosario in the head.  She fell back, as the bumper on his car finally separated from the vehicle.

Shane plummeted to the ground, the phrase “Take offense to THAT, bitch“…the last words to ever be in his mind.

The End

If you got Cole in your stocking, you're worth $140 million!! Hahahahaha!!!! ...I don't get it... (7/25/12)

 

It's your July Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Cole Hamels is one rich chick.  He just signed a six-year contract extension worth 140 million smackeroos (that's "dollars" in asshole-speak).  I don't know what he's gonna do with those 140 million clams ("dollars" in asshole-who-apparently-confuses-seafood-with-currency-speak), but he could have one hell of a party.  The first thing I'd do if I were Cole would be to take that pretty little wife of mine, Heidi, and treat her to the best Happy Meal in town!!!  ...What can I say, I'm stingy...  Anyway, Heidi, if the Dave Man really WAS your husband, we'd have so much fun!!  I'd eventually loosen up the duct-tape, and take the rag out of your mouth, and maybe even let you out of my darkened basement once in a while.  But I stress, Heidi, "once in a while" means ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE!!!  And stop looking at me, Heidi!!!!  ...Heidi?  Why are you crying, Heidi?

Alex Rodgriguez broke his hand after getting hit by a pitch thrown by Felix Hernandez in the Yankees' loss to the Mariners last night.  He will now go to the disabled list.  A-Rod commented after the game:  "Have you ever noticed how purple my lips are?  It's crazy.  It's like I stole Grimace's lips and put them on MY fucking face!!  I don't know if I'm eating too many grape lollipops or what but my lips are the color of the fucking Minnesota Vikings, for shit's sake!!  Damn!!  It's like I should be in GWAR already!!  Fucky!!!"

The Marlins have traded three-time all star Hanley Ramirez to the Dodgers...and may be getting rid of more of their players because of their disappointing season.  In this writer's opinion, that's what they get for having a field that looks like the God-Damn stadium from Mario Super Sluggers rather than a real fucking ballpark!!!  I don't know who the shit-head architect was who built this monstrosity, but he apparently said "Ivy on the walls and Green Monsters are OUT...and cock-nosed pastel colors and a giant fucking fruit basket in the outfield are IN!!!"  Poo on you, Marlins!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to cows for being so delicious.  You stupid sons of bitches have no fucking idea how good you taste, cows, you dumb bastards.

We'll see you this evening on RiotCast.com/Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/25/12)

Ichiro on the Yankees!! Ichiban- number one!! (7/24/12)

 

It’s your July Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Yankees have acquired Ichiro from the Mariners for two minor league shmizbo’s and some cash.  And in his first game in pinstripes he singled and stole a base against his former team.  As an aside, if the Yankees are on the road, would that previous statement be accurate?  After all, the Yankees do not wear their pinstripes on the road…they wear their gray uniforms.  On the other hand, “pinstripes” is synonymous with “being a Yankee.”  So maybe it is grammatically correct.  And since we are hypothesizing here, if I put a garden hose up my ass, how much water could I shoot up it?  And if too much water rocketed up it, would my ass suddenly explode?  Can I get married to a hamster if I wanted to?  Is “Alan Thicke” his real name?  When I seal envelopes with jizz instead of saliva, could I get in trouble?  Are there any farms that grow dildo’s?  These questions and more in the best-selling book: Dave-A-Netics…by D. Dodd Hubbard.

We broke the Penn State punishment yesterday so if you want our take on it, read the July 23 Sports Report.  But I will say this, it was absolutely fucking appalling when ESPN showed these young, half-retarded, soulless Penn State kids who were about to cry when they heard that the football team would not be eligible to play in any bowl games for the next four years.  Here’s a pic of these empty, cold-hearted twats:

Hey bitches, you are aware that some kids got RAPED in your fucking school, right?  Maybe you should prioritize a little, you vapid shits!!!

I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell at you.  It’s just that you are acting insensitively.  Please stop crying.  I didn’t mean it…

…what the fuck are YOU people crying about?!?!  Shit, lady, you’re WAY too old to be behaving like this!!!  FUCK!!!  Get a grip, you cock-suckers!!!!

And by the way, do all you people in Pennsylvania shove your whiny, sobbing faces into your hands when you cry?!  Doesn’t that smell bad?!?!  Like sweaty palm stink-hands?!?!  Get a tissue like the rest of us, dick-noses!!!

Meanwhile who would ever have thought that Bobby Bowden would be a voice of reason.  When asked how he felt now that he has more wins than Joe Paterno (since the NCAA vacated all Penn State wins from 1998 to 2011), Bowden put things in perspective: “There’s no rejoicing in the Bowden household,” Bowden said. “The most important matter is the young men who suffered.  I won’t be able to enjoy it under the circumstances.”  Good for you, Bobby.  Your years at Florida State had their own controversy with players not meeting academic requirements and taking money, but at least they were not God-Damn pedophiles!!!  I say Bobby Bowden for President!!  I’ll even write his slogan for him: “None of my coaches and players fucked kids in the ass!!  FACE, Joe Paterno!!!!!!  …This message was not approved by Bobby Bowden as he has instructed Davey Mac never to write slogans for him and to stop drunkenly breaking into his house.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Hines Ward, formerly of the Steelers, and now playing for the Gotham Rogues, who not only scored a touchdown in The Dark Knight Rises, but managed to run away from a collapsing football field while the earth beneath him was imploding.  This makes your Dancing With The Stars win look like pussy shit, Hines!!!  Bane would be proud!!

See you tomorrow, dogsies!!!

-Dave (7/24/12)

Adam Scott- CHOKED!! Penn State- FUCKED!! Davey Mac- Puked!! (7/23/12)

 

It’s your July Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and I love nothing more than a good choke-job…well…maybe I like a hand-job a little better.  But just a little.  Oh, and I also like a nice foot-job (where someone takes there foot and rubs it on David, Jr. aka Mr. Penis aka Mr. Softee aka Davey’s Miniature Flesh-Stump-That-Looks-Like-It-Was-Made-With-Pink-And-Purple-Spotted-Play Doh aka Dave’s Dick).  AND, I also like a nice ass-job (where I take my bare ass and put it on the bare ass of an unsuspecting hospital patient who has been knocked out with anesthesia).  Anyway, Adam Scott of Australia had the Open Championship all wrapped up.  He was ready to win his first Major Championship.  With four holes left to play, Scott had a four-shot lead.  And then, the God-Damn wheels fell off faster than when two Firestones flew off my shitty Chrysler LeBaron when I was driving on the Parkway!!!  Scott bogeyed EACH of the final four holes while 42-year-old former champion Ernie Els roared up the leader board and stole the championship like a Shit Thief taking feces out of people’s asses in the middle of the night.  Before Scott knew it, Els was holding up the Claret Jug and Scott was left shattered and broken, like a porno gang-bang starlet who has just been jizzed on the face by seventeen guys and then told by the props man that the film crew is out of towels.  Well, you know what, Adam?  We’re out of towels, pal, we’re out of fucking towels.

Well, so much for Joe Paterno.  The last remnants of his legacy, most noticeably the fact that he left college football with more wins than any other Division I coach, have just been burnt up in a bonfire of pedophilia and cover-ups.  The NCAA announced their penalties on Penn State this morning and, in the words of Pennsylvania poet Ned Ryerson, they are a fucking doozy.  You couldn’t have said it any better, Needle Nose.  Penn State has been fined $60 million, they will be banned from post-season play for four years, they will lose scholarships, and probably worst of all for Penn State fans, they will be vacated of ALL WINS from 1998 to 2011…which means that Joe Paterno will no longer be number one in career wins.  Well, that about does it, the last nail has been hammered squarely into Paterno’s coffin.  It’s been slammed so hard in fact that the nail went through the wood and is now going straight into Joe Pa’s skull, splitting it in half.  And there are little worms and bugs now crawling around in Paterno’s dead head.  And at midnight tonight, I plan to dig up Paterno’s grave, take his destroyed skull, and drink cognac out of it to celebrate the facts that PSU got a just punishment and that I like cognac.  And by the way, and this is directed to Ned Ryerson…did things ever work out between you and Phil Connors’ sister Mary Pat?  Just curious…bing!!!

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning Paterno’s statue outside of Penn State’s football stadium was taken down.  I watched it live on ESPN.  Actually, I just watched a make-shift fence with a blue tarp on it live on ESPN.  Apparently they put that there so that people wouldn’t be disturbed by seeing an icon’s statue being torn down.  Personally, I love a good statue destruction- Paterno, Saddam Hussein, Stalin, and any of the other villains of history.  I wish I was there at Penn State so that after the Joe Pa statue was on the ground, I could have taken my shoes off and hit the statue with them a la Arab people.  BAD statue…BAD!!!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the Oakland A’s for sweeping the Yankees, winning every game by one run.  I guess Moneyball works afterall.  Maybe we should employ the team strategy of other baseball movies…which means we should be looking at penitentiaries for pitching phenoms like Major League and we should probably get a fat, freckled, red-haired kid to catch the pitcher like The Sandlot.  And if that idea doesn’t work, we’ll just go home and jerk off instead.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!!

-Dave (7/23/12)

Thanks a lot, Rex Ryan! Now that you’ve lost all that weight, who are we gonna call “Fat Fuck”? Does Butterbean still box? That fat fuck!!! (7/20/12)

 

It’s your July Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and, as you can probably tell from that headline, it’s one fuck of a slow sports day!!!  Yeeeehhaaaww!!  That is why we are starting off with the shockingly unimportant non-news story that Rex Ryan has lost 106 pounds.  He went from 348 foot-jobs to 242 foot-jobs and looks quite-

—I’m sorry.  Did I say “foot-jobs”?  I meant “pounds.”  Sorry.  Anyway, by dropping over 100 footsies he—

—Shit, I apologize, I did it again.  In any event, Rex Ryan has lost so much naked-middle-aged-man-with-a-hard-cock-looking-at-sweaty-feet that he—

—Boy, I really am sorry about all these mix ups!  It’s just that I was a little sad about Ryan’s weight loss because I didn’t know what I was gonna to mock him with.  But I forgot about those glorious foot fetish videos!!  Whew!!  Thank Jesus that we still have those to fall back on!!!  …Anyway, as an aside, I think that thin Rex Ryan looks a little like Richard Dawson.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m a bit drunk.  It is Friday after all.

Round 2 of the Open Championship is in progress and right now American Brad Snedeker is in the lead at 10 under par.  I always thought that Snedeker looked like an adult, live-action version of Elroy Jetson, who was one of the better cartoon children, if you ask me.  Not like Lisa Simpson.  Listen.  No one loves The Simpsons more than the Dave Man.  But if I find out that a particular episode’s main plot-line is going to revolve around Lisa, I go- CLICK- and I turn the channel to something else.  Or I go on the internet and browse Smurf porn.  That’s my bag…Jesus…slow fucking sports day…

Jeremy Lin was introduced by his new team, the Rockets, yesterday.  LINSANITY is now in Houston.  Meanwhile, Crazy Eddie in still in bankruptcy.  Shit.  SLLLOOOW fucking sports day indeed.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Casey McDonald, my wonderful wife, whose birthday is on Sunday!  But since I don’t write Sports Reports on the weekend, I’ll take this time to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  I got you a very special gift, honey…(spoiler alert)…a poster of me with my shirt off!!!  Cherish it forever!!  Love, Davey Mac!

See you guys Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL, LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!!  Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the joy, the lubrication, and the Popsicles!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/20/12)

Dwight Howard to the Lakers? …How the fuck should I know?!?! (7/19/12)

 

It’s your July Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and here is the latest on this endless Dwight Howard drama that is becoming more tedious than the “Vito and Johnny Cakes” plot-line of The Sopranos’ sixth season.  Apparently, Howard is close to going to L.A. where sources say that he would sign a contract extension to stay on the Lakers for good.  This comes shortly after Howard stated that no matter what team he plays for this season he will NOT sign an extension with them and will opt into free agency.  Christ, almighty, Dwight!!  Make up your fucking mind already!!!  At least Vito was decisive!!!  He saw “Johnny Cakes” make those fucking flap-jacks and wanted him some Johnny Cakes cock!!!  Bam!!  He knew what he wanted, and he sealed the deal!!  You could learn a lesson from Vito, Dwight!!  I suggest sleeping over Kobe’s house, Dwight.  And the next day, should he make you some pancakes, you go on a motorcycle ride with him and make love in a park!!!  Problem fucking solved!!

The Open Championship began today.  The leader in the clubhouse is Adam Scott, who shot six under par.  Tiger Woods had a good round at three under.  I have asked this before and I’ll ask it again, when did the “British Open” change its name to the “Open Championship”?  It’s fucking confusing, it is.  If someone says to me that Tiger shot a first-round 67 in England, I would usually reply to them, “I guess Tiger is gonna have himself a good British Open.”  At which point that person would start chuckling condescendingly.  I would ask them: “Why the fuck are you laughing at me?”  To which they would respond (in a British accent):  “Because, mate, it hasn’t been called the British Open in years!  You bloody Americans and your mistaken information!!  Haha— OUCH!!  What the fook was that?!?!  Owwwww!!!!”

“THAT,” I would say, “is an AMERICAN fucking baseball bat slamming into your hobbit-ish teeth for chortling at the Stars & Stripes!!!  Eat Louisville Slugger, you limey bastard!!!”

THWACK.

Some students at Penn State have started a vigil around the Joe Paterno statue to protect it from vandals and other people who want to see the statue torn down.  I have a name for these kids’ organization- The “Our-Priorities-Are-Out-Of-Fucking-Whack-And-We-Love-Pennsylvania-Pedophiles” Club.   (Or the O.P.A.O.O.F.W.A.W.L.P.P.C for short).  Too blunt?

The Davey Mac Player of the goes to the makers of Pepto Bismol, who have helped me finally stop shitting today.  Honestly, in the previous 48 hours, I have taken at least 17 Number Two’s.  And my ass was bleeding all over the place from the wiping.  Anyway, I hope you’re not eating while you read this.  No one needs to visualize my bleeding, shitty, purple, swollen, checkered, frog-like, dripping, sweaty, farty ass while they eat!!

We’ll see you THIS EVENING on RiotCast.com/Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program, homies!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (7/19/12)

Linsanity........Arrivederci!!! (7/18/12)

 

It’s your July Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and an era has ended.  Like My So-Called Life, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, and Al Roker’s Fart Time before it, LINSANITY in New York is the latest prime-time show to be cancelled after a short but sensational run.  The Knicks have decided not to match the Rockets’ offer to Jeremy Lin, and thus, he is off to Houston.  Well, it was fun while it lasted (all three fucking weeks of it).  Or is it possible that the Knicks have made the right choice?  And that Jeremy Lin is just a one-hit wonder, like Flock Of Seagulls…or Van Halen…or Gandhi…who knows?  I certainly don’t have a crystal ball…I pawned it two days ago for an old television set so that I could watch a Pawn Stars episode about a red-haired guy pawning his crystal ball for a shitty TV.  Ummagumma!!!!!!!

When NBA Commissioner David Stern said that future Olympic basketball teams should only consist of professionals 23-and-under, Kobe Bryant replied, saying that Stern’s proposal is “a stupid idea.”  Slam!!  I like when people call David Stern, or any sports commissioner for that matter, “stupid.”  It’s like when John Bender mouths off to Principal Gleason.  Yeah!!  Take that, jerk!!!  Speaking of which, am I the only person who found Bender’s imaginary dialogue/fantasy fight where he pretends to stand up to his dad, and plays both roles, kind of annoying?  Don’t get me wrong, I was impressed that Bender was a good enough thespian to act the part of his father as well as himself, but it was a little Tyler Durden-ish.  If I was one of the the kids in that Breakfast Club, I would have punched Bender in the face and stolen his pot for being such an over-dramatic cry-baby.  Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, Bender!!!!!

Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch of the Seahawks is the latest athlete who has been arrested on suspicion of DUI.  I don’t understand these guys.  They make multi-millions of dollars.  Take a cab!!  Shit, with their money, they could probably buy the fucking cab company!!!  I never drive drunk.  Now, I’m not gonna say that I haven’t eaten some peyote and piloted a blimp from time to time.  OK, fine, I do it every Sunday.  But I have to train if I’m gonna compete in the Highin’ Hindenburg Championships!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former popular Red Sox third basemen Kevin Youkilis (who is now on the White Sox), for hitting a three-run home run in his return to Fenway (Chicago won, 7 to 5).  Youkilis, who was possibly traded for having tension with new Boston manager Bobby Valentine, had this for a comment: “Hey Bobby V, how does it feel to have a 32-ounce bat shoved up your ass?!?!  Huh, Bobby?!?!  How does it feel?!?!  And if you say ‘Good’, then I know a radio show who would love to see how many inches you can take, LIVE on the air!!!  See ya later, fuck-face!!!”

Reminder- the Davey Mac Sports Program will be LIVE on THURSDAY at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on RiotCast.com and Ustream!!  Subscribe for free to the show on iTunes!!!  See ya tomorrow for another Sports Report and for the show!!

-Dave (7/18/12)

Yeah, Mr. President! Get it on!!! (7/17/12)

 

It’s your July Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the USA basketball team beat Brazil yesterday- 80 to 69.  Yet the real story was that President Obama, who was in the audience, was featured on the Jumbotron Kiss Cam, not once, but twice during the game yesterday.  The first time, Obama choked.  He did not kiss the First Lady on the Kiss Cam, perhaps due to embarrassment, or perhaps due to the fact the he is the fucking President and this shit should be fucking beneath him!!!  Regardless, the crowd booed him for being a stick-in-the-mud who may or may not have a birth certificate.  However for the second Kiss Cam moment, and after consulting a panel of fourteen pollsters, advisers, and make-out experts (which included James Carville, Tila Tequila, and Bret Michaels), Mr. Obama grabbed Mrs. Obama’s head and sucked some serious face (in front of his kid no less)!!!  At this moment, the clearly sick and disturbed people in the stands cheered as if they had just coerced some Presidential Porn.  “Yeah, Barack!” a particular fan was heard to exclaim while conspicuously having one hand in his pocket, “take her to the ORAL Office!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!” *

* Editor’s note- The “fan” was in fact the author, Davey Mac; and the Secret Service has demanded that David stay 150 yards away from the President at all future basketball games.

In the ongoing Jeremy Lin saga, my sources are telling me that the Knicks will not match the Rockets’ offer to Lin and thus let him walk.  My sources are also saying that I need to clean my testicles more thoroughly…as they supposedly have a distinctive “old socks dipped in milk and farts” smell.  In full disclosure, my “sources” are my wife and my urologist, Dr. Touchy.

A woman has been arrested for stalking Chicago Cubs general manager Theo Epstein.  Meanwhile his brother, Juan Epstein, had this for a comment: “For starters, Theo is not my brother.  I am a sitcom character and not a real person.  I have told this to Dave several times, though he is usually drunk.  Secondly, I am currently dead.  I died in January.  So I don’t even know how I’m releasing this statement.  Anyway…Sweathogs forever!!!!”

The Davey Mac Poop of the Day goes to Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant for being arrested on a domestic violence charge after he reportedly…hit his mom.  Classy move, Dez!!  Hey!  I have access to a puppy in case you want to come over and kick him in the teeth!!!  The Dallas Cowboys- America’s Cock-Suckers.

See ya manana, banana!!

-Dave (7/17/12)