1 D.W.I. and 0 L.I.N!! Just another shitty Knicks Monday!! (7/16/12)

 

It’s your July Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Knicks, fresh off of the Brooklyn Nets stealing some of the New York limelight, have finally gotten some attention this summer.  First off, their new elderly point guard Jason Kidd was arrested for driving drunk.  And secondly, sources say the team will probably not re-sign their ONLY ray of sunshine from last year’s turbulent season- Jeremy Lin.  “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” said French novelist Alphonse Karr.  Loosely translated, the Knicks and their typically shitty organization are making the wrong, fucked-up decisions as usual!!!!  “What a bunch of jack-offs!!!” added German writer Franz Kafka when thinking about the Knickerbockers.  “My shites are smarter than those cock-suckers!” exclaimed Irish author Jonathan Swift once when asked to describe the Knicks.  And finally, when thinking of yet another farty Knicks season that lay ahead of him, American writer Ernest Hemingway said simply, “Does anyone know where I can get a fucking gun?!?!”

Ever hear the phrase “Let sleeping dogs lie”?  Bobby Valentine hasn’t.  Even though the Red Sox manager got his wish of having Kevin Youkilis traded off the team (to the White Sox), Bobby V has still found time to take a shot at Youkilis, stating that it was Youkilis and not Valentine who created the friction between them.  Valentine basically called Youkilis a pussy for being angry at Valentine after Bobby V questioned Youkilis’ heart.  Why, Bobby?  Why bring this up?  WHY??  And why wear a fake mustache in the dugout?  And why have a voice like a Muppet?  And why claim that you invented the sandwich wrap?  And why piss on my aunt when you dated her in 1968?  And why deny that indeed you did piss on my aunt?  And why take out a restraining order against me after my drunken claims that Bobby Valentine pissed on my aunt?  WHY, Bobby?!?!?!

The Paterno family is going to conduct their own report, reviewing the Freeh Report, which stated that Joe Paterno, among others in positions of power at Penn State, covered up the fact that former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was a pedophile.  Move on, Paterno’s.  So your old man hid the fact that his right-hand guy liked to fuck under-privileged kids…we ALL make mistakes…

…EGADS, but not THOSE kind of sick, fucking mistakes!!!!  Damn, Joe Pa was one shitty old person!!!  Good luck, Paterno’s…you’re gonna need it, you in-denial assholes!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Atlanta Braves pitcher Ben Sheets…who was out of Major League Baseball for two years before coming back and beating the Mets yesterday- 6 to 1.  Congrats, Ben.  It reminds me of the one time I retired from Wiffle Ball for three years, only to return and hit a home run my first game back.  OK, fine.  I didn’t retire really…I was force-ably asked to stop playing (i.e. suspended) after I blew up a particular Wiffle Ball umpire’s car.  It wasn’t because he made a bad call.  It was because I found out that my girlfriend at the time gave him a hand job.  You’re goin’ down, blue!!!!!!

See ya tomorry, cuddle pals!

-Dave (7/16/12)

FBI director- “Joe Paterno and his old face are probably rotting in hell.” (7/13/12)

 

It’s your July Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and, as we reported yesterday, former FBI director Louis Freeh, assigned to investigate the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State child molestation scandal, says that Joe Paterno, among others, covered up the sex abuse in order to protect the reputation of their university.  Fuck, Joe Pa.  You were one ruthless son of a bitch.  I haven’t seen an Italian-American who was in such great standing take this much of a turn for the worse since Michael Corelone went from war hero to wearing neckerchiefs.  Seriously.  I don’t care about the countless people Michael killed…to me the real evil shit that he committed was wearing those fucking horrible Imus scarves in Godfather Part III.  Hey Michael, unless you’re gonna try to do a morning radio talk show, get rid of the fucking neckerchief already!!!!  It’s God-Damn embarrassing, it is!!!

Terrell Owens is reportedly $20,000 late on his child support payments.  I say we cut T.O. a break.  He’s been a humble, straight-laced, good citizen all these years.  Sure, he’s had a misstep here and there.  But who hasn’t?  I say we look past the time he celebrated on the star in Dallas, or when he tried to kill himself, or the times he has bizarrely broken down and sobbed at press conferences, or that one day he tried to blow up Jeff Garica with TNT, or the week he kidnapped Donovan McNabb and tried to sell him to football-loving Arabs, or the time he took a giant shit and then sculpted it into a pair of head-phones and put them on coach Andy Reid’s head, or the time he grabbed two 49′ers cheer-leaders and forced them to make out at gunpoint, or the game where he went into the crowd after a touchdown and grabbed the little blonde kid with glasses from Jerry Maguire and spiked him so hard in the end zone that his eyes exploded.  Terrell Owens…Class Act.

Blake Griffin was injured during Team USA practice and will miss the Olympics.  I don’t know about you, but “Blake Griffin” is a very pompous-sounding name.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Griffin.  But with that name, it feels like he should be doing weird shit with those Skull And Bones freaks from Yale University.  I don’t know what they do over there but I heard that it’s some sick shit.  I’m probably not even supposed to talk about it.  In fact, just disregard this whole paragrpah and—

—what was that?!?!  I just heard something!!!  Oh shit!!!  The lights just went out!!!  They’re HERE!!!  The fucking Skull And Bones are here and they’re gonna get me ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Well, we had yet ANOTHER day of zero games for the four major sports.  I suppose I could give the Davey Mac Player of the Day to the U.S. basketball team for beating the piss out of the Dominican Republic, 113 to 59.  But I didn’t watch the game.  I was busy jerking off to old episodes of Facts Of Life.  Fuck it, I’ll give the Player of the Day to Blair.  Nice job, bitch!!!!

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!!  Adios, Davidos!!!!

-Dave (7/13/12)

Barkley to Kobe- “The Dream Team would take the heads of each player from your team and squarely shit on them. Fin.” (7/12/12)

It’s your July Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and after Kobe Bryant said that he believes this year’s Olympic basketball team would beat the 1992 Dream Team, Charles Barkley laughed it off…saying that the Dream Team would win by at least ten points.  Ouch.  Personally, I agree with Kobe.  I think Tyson “I Can’t Make A Layup” Chandler would crush David Robinson and Patrick Ewing.  And I’m sure Andre “I Kind Of Suck” Iguodala would just destroy Karl Malone and Barkley.  And I’d be really willing to bet that James “I Don’t Even Start On My Regular Team” Harden would soundly defeat Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and a guy named Michael FUCKING Jordan!!!  Pull your God-Damned head out of your ass, Kobe!!!!!  And once you do pull your head out of your ass, you should audition for the Jim Rose Circus as “The Black Mamba Contortionist” where you could make tens of dollars on the freak show circuit!!  Just don’t get to close to “The Enigma”…he’ll eat you alive!!!  Hahahahaha!!!

The Freeh Report, the investigative document regarding Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State child sex abuse scandal, has just been released.  In it, former FBI director Louis Freeh says that Joe Paterno, among others, “failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade.”  Sounds like a cover-up to me!!  And cover-ups are always as bad (and sometimes worse) as the crime itself.  From Watergate to Monica Lewinsky to the time I tried to hide the fact that I accidentally killed my pet hamster when I was eight because of foolishly thinking I could teach him to swim.  He died of pneumonia shortly after the back-stroke lesson.  Then, rather than telling my parents that Chubby (that was his name) was dead, I simply put him in my brother’s fish tank…thinking that he would look like was of those fish tank decorations, like a deep sea diver or sunken treasure chest.  Little did I know that dead hamsters float…and that, when opening the top of his tank to feed his fish one afternoon, my brother instead would be terrifyingly treated to a deceased, water-logged Chubby staring at him with frozen, dead, hamster eyes.

The ESPY awards were last night.  And in an editorial note from your humble and eloquent author…

Who gives a FUCK?!?!?!

Since yesterday is the only day of the year where you get no professional baseball, football, basketball, or hockey…there will be NO Davey Mac Player of the Day given out.  Instead, I am going to eat my cheese steak and peruse YouJizz.com for a porn scene with a fat secretary in it.  Just something I’m into lately.  Peace.

-Dave (7/12/12)

The The National League POWNS the American League!! Not sure what “powns” actually means but I’ve seen it used on the Internet!!! (7/11/12)

 

It’s your July Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the National League beat the American League, eight to fucking nothing, last night in the All-Star Game.  Former Yankee and now San Francisco Giant Melky Cabrera won the game’s MVP award.  Nice move, Brian Cashman (Yankees GM), by trading Melky away.  Who did you get in return?  Oh, that’s right- Javier “I Am The World’s Worst Pitcher And I Want NO Part Of New York City” Fucking Vazquez!!!  Nice fucking trade, Cashman, you weasel-looking son of a bitch!!!  Seriously- Cashman literally looks like a God-Damn weasel!!!  And I don’t mean it in a Bobby “The Brain” Heenan kind of way!!!  I mean that Cashman looks like that shitty animal!!!  FUCK!!!!

The world’s friendliest basketball player, Jeremy Lin, is reportedly angry at the Knicks for not yet offering him a contract as lucrative as the one the Rockets offered.  Shiiiiiiit.  You hear that, Knicks?!  You’ve gotten Linsanity pissed!!!  That’s like getting fucking Gandhi ticked off!!!  That’s like having Martin Luther King want to punch you in the dick!!!  Shit, that’s like Jesus Christ himself taking a fucking baseball bat to your God-Damn testicles!!!  Well, you been powned, Knicks!!!  You been POWNED!!!!

Sources are saying that Drew Brees may hold out of training camp if he does not get the contract he’s looking for.  Listen, Saints organization, give this mole-faced freak the money he deserves.  Pre-Drew Brees New Orleans had fans wearing bags over their heads and people getting raped in the Superdome.  Post-Drew Brees NOLA has fans without the bags and people still getting raped in the Superdome.  If you care at all about New Orleans, Saints, give your best citizen the fucking money!!  And while you’re at it, give you second best citizen, Ms. Anne Rice, a sandwich already!!!  She’s looking fucking gaunt!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented Gatorade.  I don’t know his name.  I think he was at the University of Florida.  But I’m as hung-over as a banshee and this damned Gatorade is helping me out.  Now, if I only had another Davey Mac Player of the Day award to give to the guy who invented Slim Jims and my life would be perfect.

See you tomorrow, my happy pals!!!

-Dave (7/11/12)

Prince Fielder- big bat! Prince Charles- big ears! (7/10/12)

 

It’s your July Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Tigers’ Prince Fielder is your Home Run Derby AND early ’90′s braids champion.  Seriously, what’s with the hair, Prince?  You look like you should be in Color Me Badd, for fuck’s sake!  Come on!!  You’re a big dude!!  That is a very bad look for very thin, usually awful looking people and/or annoying children!!  Remember the kid-rap-group Kriss Kross?!  Well now you look like THOSE little mother-fuckers, Prince!!!!  Or, with the fact that you’re fat, you sort of look like braided Axl Rose!!  Welcome to the Jungle, Prince, you chubby bastard!!!!

The Yankees have told Reggie Jackson to stay away from the team after Reggie shot his mouth off like an old asshole, saying that all the modern players who have surpassed him in career home runs don’t really count, since they were most likely on performance-enhancing drugs.  He also took several shots at several Hall-Of-Famers, saying that the deceased Kirby Puckett, RECENTLY-deceased-from-a-fucking-brain-tumor Gary Carter, and a few others don’t belong in Cooperstown.  Wow!!  Reggie really likes taking shots at dead guys!!!  Hey, Reggie, do you have any problems with Lou Gehrig?!  He died of a horrible disease, too!!!  How about Catfish Hunter?!?!  His life had a tragic ending!!  Why don’t you go to Catfish’s grave and shit and piss all over it!!  Or maybe you should just go and kill the Queen, Reggie…that’s all you’re fucking good for!!  Oh wait!!  You couldn’t even get THAT done!!  Frank Drebin foiled you!!!  Loser!!!

Adrian Peterson quoted Winston Churchill on Twitter recently when addressing charges that he struck a cop:

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Churchill

Meanwhile, the police officer who was allegedly hit by Peterson fired back, quoting another World War II leader:

“I hate black people.” – Hitler

Lastly, this author quoted yet another 1940′s politician last Friday during the Roger Waters concert at Yankee Stadium:

“I’ve drank so much booze and smoked so much pot that my legs no longer work!  Haha!!” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bo Jackson.  Being that tonight is the MLB All-Star Game, let’s go back to 1989 to one of the great moments in All-Star history where football/baseball-playing Jackson hit a crushing home run and won the MVP.  I was just a little kid then, but that shit was awesome.  I remember being so excited that I even pissed a little in my panties.  I probably should not have told you that I urinated myself as a child.  I also probably shouldn’t have told you that I wore panties.  Oh well.

See you tomorrow, dogsies!!!  This week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (internet version) is now available!!!  Get it from RiotCast (our brand new podcasting network) or the usual spot at iTunes!!!  Adios, homies!!!

-Dave (7/10/12)

Federer- CHAMP! Murray- CHOKE! Who got it right? The Sports Master did, that’s fucking who!!!! (7/9/12)

 

It’s your July Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and I am one accurate-prediction-fucking-machine.  With regards to Wimbledon…what did I tell you?  I feel like DeNiro in Goodfellas when he yelled at Johnny Roastbeef over here (“What did I tell you?!  Huh?!?!  What did I tell you?!?!?!”).   Well, if you said, “Sports Master, you told us that Andy Murray, despite the entire United Kingdom including that retarded Royal Family and Cummy Spice being behind him, would choke and lose at Wimbledon,” then you would be correct!!!  Now grab yourself a prize from the Dave’s Jizz-Stained T-Shirts Prize Wall.  You deserve it!!!

After Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira said that Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla was a “head-hunter,” Padilla fired back, stating: “I think, maybe, (Teixeira) picked the wrong profession.  I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport.”  Boom!!!  Did you hear that, Tex?!  Padilla just said he wants to fuck you like a woman!!!  Padilla wants to take your cock, Texy, turn it inside out, shove it up into your body, and fuck it like a pussy!!!  Then he wants to jizz in that cock-pussy of yours, Tex!!  Finally, Padilla would like for you to squeeze the semen out of your dick-vagina and let it drip into Padilla’s mouth!!!  At least, that’s what I took from the quote!!  But I have seafood poisoning and I’m drunk!!!

The Home Run Derby is tonight.  My prediction- Harmon Killebrew will take down Rocky Colavito in extra innings, 6 to 5, picking up a gigantic sum of two thousand dollars in the process.  He will then invest the money in his very own sex toy business- Harmon’s Killer Dildo’s.  Congrats, Harmon!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bob Kelly & Rob Sprance of RiotCast.com who, with their brilliant vision, have signed up the Davey Mac Sports Program, the most awesome sports show on the internet and on Satellite Radio, to RiotCast.com, one of THE BEST networks out there.  Thanks, homies!!  Our first show is TONIGHT, LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Check it out HERE.

See ya later, Dave Pound!!!

-Dave (7/9/12)

Take The Money And Lin!!! (7/6/12)

 

It’s your July Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Jeremy Lin has verbally agreed on a four-year contract worth $30 million with the Houston Rockets.  Once the contract is actually signed, the Knicks have three days to match it in order to retain Lin.  And word on the street is that the Knicks are leaning away from re-signing him.  If the Knicks don’t figure out how to get Linsanity back into Madison Sqaure Garden, this’ll be the biggest disgrace New York has seen since former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani was spotted attempting to give Joe Torre a hand-job during the 1998 World Series.  Having barely survived that scandal, Rudy would embarrass himself again by texting Torre cock picks in the 1999 W.S.  Hey Rudy, we know you’re a big Yankee fan already, but cool it!!!!  Torre has to prepare for the Braves you sick freak!!!!

Meanwhile, the Knicks have made a deal to get a point guard…they’ve signed 111-year-old Jason Kidd.  The elderly Kidd says he feels great due to going through a blood-spinning procedure and being the keeper of the One Ring of Sauron.  In addition to Kidd, the Knicks are also looking at adding the following veterans to their roster:

* Oscar Robertson

* Coach from “Cheers”

* Regis Philbin

* Moses

* Yoda

* the cast of Grumpy Old Men

* Maude

* Dumbledore

Right now Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic are playing in the Wimbledon semifinals.  Federer is up 2 sets to 1, with a three game to none lead in the fourth set.  That is all the live, up-to-date coverage I can give you, I guess…well…I suppose I can tell you that I am not wearing a shirt as I write this.  Nor do I have pants on.  Also, I have a Voltron puppet on top of my groin area.  And I am chugging some very old Budweiser.  Furthermore, I have not cleaned up some dog shit that my pet Strummer naughtily made near my computer desk…thus my bare feet are touching animal poo.  There.  Now THAT is serious live coverage.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Roger Waters, for going to Yankee Stadium tonight and playing The Wall.  And Davey Mac will fucking be there, Roger!!!  And David would like to meet you back-stage, Roger!!!  And Dave would like to take one of your sweaty shirts and squeeze the perspiration onto his beard, Roger!!!  Make it fucking happen, Roger!!!!

See you homies Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Adios!!!

-Dave (7/6/12)

Kobe & Nash- much better than Franklyn & Bash…but not as good as Tango & Cash! (7/5/12)

 

It’s your July Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Lakers have just gotten a hell of a lot better by signing two-time MVP Steve Nash.  This puts L.A. back as one of the teams to beat in the NBA.  In an unrelated author’s opinion, Nash really needs to cut that hair of his.  Listen, I’m not saying the guy needs to look like a fucking Marine over here…but every time he has to push his hair behind his ears like he’s that fucking douchey freshman in Dazed and Confused, I wince as if someone just karate chopped my asshole.  And in a double unrelated author’s opinion…have you ever noticed how many times that kid from Dazed and Confused touches his nose?  It’s fucking out of control.  Watch the movie as soon as you’re done reading this and you’ll see that bad-acting fart-face to touch his nose twenty fucking times!!  It’ll drive you nuts, I promise you.  It’s God-Damn distracting it is!!!!!  I recently watched the DVD extra’s of that movie, and they had a “Where Are They Now?” feature, and apparently where that kid is now is FAT.  He’s a big pork-chop.  He probably couldn’t get any more acting gigs…that’s what he gets for doing such a shitty job, the fucking nose-toucher!!!

Meanwhile the Rockets have offered Jeremy Lin a deal worth close to $30 million and insiders are saying that it’ll be difficult for the Knicks to re-sign Lin at that price.  If the Knicks can’t get Linsanity back, they’re gonna be fucked.  Not literally, of course.  That would be weird.  Having someone fuck an entire basketball team would probably not even be possible…unless you’re porn star Jasmin St. Claire…or “Queen of the Gang Bang” Blanche Devereaux.  That old whore sure did get around.  I guess that’s what you do in Miami if you’re not Cuban, you just become elderly and get your fuck on…not a bad life, when you think about it.

The Devils received bad news as their captain, Zach Parise, flew the coop and surprisingly signed with the Minnesota Wild.  As a Devils fan myself, I would like to walk up to Parise (hopefully in a large ballroom) and say: “I know it was you, Parise…you broke my heart!  You broke my heart!!!“  Then I would kiss Parise on the mouth, indicating that while I was close to him once, he is now dead to me.  Then I would fly back to my house in Lake Tahoe and yell at my wife.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Andy Murray of Great Britain who has advanced to the Wimbledon semifinals for the fourth straight year.  Unfortunately, he has yet to win the championship.  And I don’t see him winning this year.  Not unless Novak Djokovic or Roger Federer get into some kind of weird helicopter accident where, while sight-seeing over London together, their chopper crashes into the Thames River and their dicks fall off.  But let’s face it…if THAT happened, it would be a MUCH bigger story than some British guy winning a tennis tournament.  Face.

We’ll see you THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program- LIVE on Ustream!  Peace!!

-Dave (7/5/12)

Joe Johnson- have yourself a nice little cat-nap till Brooklyn!! (7/3/12)

 

It’s your July Third Davey Mac Sports Report and after years of shitting all over the New Jersey Turnpike, the now-Brooklyn Nets are looking like players in the East.  First, they’ve traded for six-time All-Star Joe Johnson.  Secondly, they are close to re-signing one of the best point guards in the NBA, Deron Williams.  And now, we have reports that the Nets are interested in acquiring Dwight Howard from the Magic.  Wow.  I haven’t seen a basketball team improve this much upon leaving Jersey for New York since the Newark Crack-Smokers became the Harlem Globetrotters.  It was before their point guard changed his name to “Curly Neal” from “Shakey Withdrawal”.  And it was before the Trotters were on Scooby-Doo; yet instead appeared on Yogi Bear where they ended up stabbing Park Ranger Smith and taking his hat.  Play ball!!!

Tony LaRussa, who will be managing this year’s N.L. All Star team, has gotten some shit from Reds manager Dusty Baker who thinks LaRussa didn’t choose a couple of his players because of a brawl between the Reds and Cardinals two years ago.  LaRussa denies this, saying: “The comments Dusty made clearly disappoint me and are attacking my integrity.  After all, I’m a man who battled and defeated SHINGLES for fuck’s sake!!!  How many people, besides sailors, medieval serfs, and 17th century whores, even GET Shingles in the first place?!?!  Well, I did!!  And I fucked Shingles right in the ass!!!!  Yeeeeehhhaaaww!!!  This has been Tony LaRussa, for the Shingles Show, saying good-night, Shing-bots!!!”

Andy Murray has advanced to the Wimbledon quarterfinals for the fifth consecutive year.  Let me give you a Davey Mac Prediction right here and now: for the fifth straight year this choking limey will yet again LOSE, failing to become the first Englishman to win a Wimbledon championship since 1936.  Every year it’s the same- Murray gets far in the tournament, the British people get all excited, London puts billboards up…and he takes a big, steamy shit right on Centre Court.  And then he picks up the shit with little white gloves on, walks over to the Queen’s box, and shoves it right into her old, melting face.  Finally, he declares publicly that he is now “King Murray, Lord of the Shite”…and exits.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Thomas Jefferson for writing the Declaration of Independence.  Since I have tomorrow off, there will be no Sports Report (also this week’s podcast will be on THURSDAY), which means I need to say my “Happy July Fourth” today.  So…Happy Fucking July Fourth, Dave Pound!!!  And remember, Thomas Jefferson was a red-head!!!  See??  We’re not all freakish assholes like Carrot Top and Eric Stoltz!!  Some of us are decent human beings!!!!  Have a great Fourth!!!

- Dave (7/3/12)

Tiger attacks the Golden Bear…and Chef! Never get out of the boat!! (7/2/12)

 

It’s your July Second Davey Mac Sports Report and Tiger Woods won his 74th career professional golf tournament yesterday; moving him past Jack Nicklaus for second place all-time (Sam Snead is number one with 82).  That’s a shitload of wins.  I don’t think I could match that number with anything that I’ve ever done in life.  Let me see…I guess I have been naked in front of animals around eighty times…so that’s one thing.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve farted in a funeral home 95, 96 different times.  So that’s another.  Oh, and I’ve spanked it to the yearbook photo of my seventh grade math teacher, Miss Banks, around 2,345,862 times.  So I have that in the record books…I guess I’m a more accomplished person than I thought!!  Yay!!!!

Josh Hamilton has received more than 11 million votes for the 2012 A.L. All Star team, the most votes ever given to one player.  We have an official statistical breakdown of the voting and found that:

* 2 million people who voted for Hamilton like crack

* 1.3 million prefer Meth

* 4 million enjoy being drunk in bathrooms

* and the rest have bad tattoos on their arms while they annually and drunkenly let sorority girls do body shots off their chests and then inevitably apologize 24 hours later, claiming to be born-again Christians until they do the exact same thing in downtown Dallas a year later.  Congrats, Josh!!

Sources say that Dwight Howard has demanded to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets.  Please let this deal be done already.  I haven’t been so sick of a sports story since we found out that Phil Simms routinely flies to a Slovak city where he tortures NFL sideline reporters in some sick warehouse.  Enough already!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Spain soccer team for kicking the shit out of Italy, 4 to nothing, and winning the Euro Cup.  This is the third major title for Spain and honestly I can’t fake it anymore, I find this sport boring.  So here’s a gif of Homer Simpson dancing on some very small hills.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/2/12)