Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce myself. My name is David and I am the greatest Jedi who ever lived. I can de-lid jars of peanut butter with my mind. I've skillfully used my lightsaber to open many a UPS package. I've made crossing-guards suddenly levitate in the air (via the Force), so that I could continue walking without them telling Master David when to go. I rule. Have a nice day.
- Dave Skywalker