I refuse to pay my DIRECTV bill for the next sixteen years; nor should I have to. Why, you ask? Because while we've gotten four, little inches of snow here in Monmouth County, New Jersey, my "television service" is now totally down. This means that I cannot watch Friday's mega-exciting Round of 64 during March Madness. I even went outside (in my Empire Strikes Back-Hoth underwear) and checked the enormous satellite dish on my roof, and the bloody thing is totally unobstructed. And because of this, I am demanding that DIRECTV pay me ten million dollars or I'm going to sue them for mental collapse (and bad TV providing). As a result, I'm forced to watch a fictitious college basketball game, in the form of the film Blue Chips (a Nick Nolte tour-de-force). And screw Ricky for asking for that tractor. I might sue him, too. That is all.
- East Side Dave