Too Big To Fail: A Davey Mac Review

Building on the outright wild success of my series of MTV's The Real World articles, I have decided to continue writing reviews, columns, and other miscellaneous Bull Shit on this here website.

As I started watching the movie Too Big To Fail, the Curtis Hanson-directed HBO film based on the financial bailouts, I said to myself: "Am I on acid?  Or is that Ed Asner dressed up like Warren Buffet?"  In fact one could draw two conclusions:  it was indeed Ed Asner playing one of the world's richest men, and I probably was on acid.

This would explain why I was both riveted by Too Big To Fail, and confused at the technical, financial jargon that was at times less comprehensible than the language C-3PO used to communicate to moisture vaporators.

This film's dialogue made the money-talk in two movies that I love, Wall Street and Barbarians At The Gate, look like it was written by retarded monkeys dressed as bankers.

But the pace of the movie is excellent; primarily because Curtis Hanson can direct your friend's mom into an inter-racial blow job if he needed to.  It moves swiftly and briskly...up and down...suck and...sorry.  I'm still thinking of the BJ.

One slight problem is Topher Grace. Who plays the part of Topher Grace.  His main role I believe, as Henry Paulson's (William Hurt) sidekick, is to Topher some fucking Grace around and shit.

William Hurt rules and his performance made me want to watch another great film of his- Smoke.  This would get the Topher Grace scent off of my clothes.

Overall, go watch Too Big To Fail because you'll learn a thing or two.   For instance after his term ended, the President of America from Independence Day went on to run JP Morgan .

Good movie.  I give it a B+ because I feel if I don't my Debit Card will be canceled.

News!!!! NOT stuff!!

Hi there, Friendies.  I realized this morning that in this News & Stuff section I should occasionally post some actual News rather than ramble like Cheswick from Cuckoo's Nest. OK- Sam & Dave LIVE this Saturday, July 2nd, on Sirius XM at 8 PM EST.  LIVE on July 9th.  Best-Of on the 16th.  A special, LIVE Dave solo (probably with the wife) show on the 27th.  And LIVE the rest of the summer (I believe).

In Davey Mac Sports Program news- NO weeks off, huckleberries!! We'll be rocking the greatest sports show of all-time every Wednesday evening like we always do.  Look for the shows on Stitcher.com  OR  iTunes (you can get the links on this site).

Look for a new video, VH1 Presents Basketball Husbands, to pop up today or tomorrow on the site.

And in other news, I was blowing spit-bubbles when my boss at my Jersey radio station (90.5 The Night) saw me.  Out of surprise, the large spit bubble that I had magnificently blown popped and saliva exploded onto my chin.  His response was one word: "Gross."

I guess that last part was once again "Stuff" and not "News."  I originally thought that my spit-bubble story was "News"-worthy; but I think I may have been wrong.  I.......I just could not help myself I guess.....

Pension and health benefits bill

Just so you know...

...I think I'm going deaf.  I went to a pool party yesterday and thought that I was just water-logged.  But here we are 18 hours later and I still cannot hear.  Its either that or some small alien-slug was implanted into my ear like Chekov in Star Trek 2.  Which means one thing- let the Madness begin!!!!!!

DIRECTV, suck it!!!

Seriously.  I was all buttoned down for a day of Budweisers and Wimbledon tennis.  I planned on watching 14 hours of coverage and because it is sprinkling a bit in New Jersey my cable is out.  On a sidenote, I still say, "My cable is out," even though I've had satellite television for five years.  Fuck you, DIRECTV!!!!!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 12

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Finale

(Part 12 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published June 6, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part XII

What The Hell Happened?

Seriously.  What the Hell happened?  Was it all a dream?  Or a sick, perverted, mindless nightmare in which I was requested by some guy from Survivor to write a weekly review of MTV's The Real World.  I don't even remember actually saying yes to this "Survivor."  Nor can I actively recall even writing the articles week after week.

Yet lo and behold, week in and week out, the articles would appear right here on this very website.  With a picture of me hovering over them like some red-headed child molester.  And my name would always show up on the byline.  Was I really the one who was writing these columns about this shitty, boring program?  Maybe someone was drugging me to sit down and write these reports about a show so long in the tooth that Ernest Borgnine would call it old.

Maybe this was a Manchurian Candidate-type situation; where I was brainwashed into thinking that I "needed" to write about The Real World.  Maybe someone had implanted an assassin's microchip into my brain, a la Reggie Jackson, yet instead of setting the Kill Switch to hunt down the Queen, they simply put the setting on "Waste Hours Of Your Life By Watching A Terrible Show.  Then Write A Column To Prove You Actually Watched It."

These are all theories I subscribe to; rather than facing the truth.  Because the Truth is dark and cold and casts more aspersions on my character than any trouble I've gotten into with the Law; even when at least two of those incidents included duct tape, bloody socks, and puppets.  The Truth unfortunately is that I sat down every Wednesday, thinking this week would be different on the ol' MTV.  Thinking that SOMETHING, ANYTHING interesting HAD to happen.  And every week........nothing happened.

And not in a fun, Seinfeldian way where "nothing happens" but really Kramer is saving a beached whale while George is running down the street on fire and Elaine is fucking Keith Hernandez.  No.  On this season of MTV's The Real World- NOTHING happened of the JACK and SHIT variety.

You must be lying, Dave, you might say.

No, I'm not, I would say.

You: What about Adam getting kicked off the show?  Nany finding out that here estranged father was in fact dead?  Dustin copping to doing gay porn?

Me:  Even those things, which seem interesting on paper, turned out to be boring turds that are so shitty that they bathe in shit-water...

You:  That's disgusting.

Me: ...and then they floss their teeth with strings made of poo while eating shit-apples...

You:  Stop it.

Me: ...while making a poop soup and spraying fart perfume.

You:  I need to vomit.

Me:  Me, too.

Even this final episode was insanely dull.  Mike and Naomi went to get married in one of these Vegas chapels.  As a joke. Except it was in a real chapel with real marriage professionals.  But it wasn't for real, right?  Well, actually Mike & Naomi, you see.......EVERY GOD-DAMNED COURT IN AMERICA SAYS THAT YOU NOW ARE A LEGALLY MARRIED COUPLE, you nimrods!!! I hope they get arrested for bigamy years from now for failing to recognize that when you get married by official people, you are, in fact, FUCKING MARRIED!!!

Other thoughts- Cooke, who replaced the wacky Adam after he was booted from the house, turned out to be this year's Jo from Real World: San Francisco...a hideously boring character who made no ultimate impact on the show whatsoever.

Can Dustin wear an even bigger watch?  I thought I was looking at the watch Daniel Craig wears in Cowboys Vs. Aliens.  Except, Dustin, you don't live in a fucking Sci-Fi movie!!!!

Lastly the entire cast (minus Adam, of course) ended their stay with a communal sleep-over the final night.  That would have been a tender idea had we not seen another cast do it---- TWENTY YEARS AGO ON SEASON FUCKING ONE!!!!

I still can't believe I continue to watch.  Nor can I believe that I wrote a 12-part series of articles on it.  Was it all just a dream? God in Heaven, I hope so.  Because the worst nightmares I've ever had don't compare to this trite, horrific dinosaur of a reality show.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com….and follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Did you know?

The funeral business as we know it was essentially created in the American Civil War!  It's true.  People used to get carried to the funeral home and buried instantly.  But morticians discovered formaldehyde and it was on like Donkey Kong, bitches.  In fact, this was the only reason that Abraham Lincoln's body went on a tour of the U.S.  like he was Elvis' fucking golden Cadillac. Look it up, Tony!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 11

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 11 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 27, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part XI

The Real World Would Suck The Decency From Angels

Dear God, please end this show now so that I can stop watching and use the time to becoming a more productive citizen.  For instance, I can utilize Wednesday nights for masturbating and drawing pictures with my cum on black construction paper.  Things like that.

It's just soooooooo boring.  I mean the show is outright, God Damned, interminable.  Should I feel bad that when Nany learned that her long-lost father that she was searching for passed away nine years ago, that admittedly in a moment of foul, poor timing I farted a little and then giggled at the gas I created.  I swear even my dog chuckled a bit...either that or she was choking, I'm not sure.

But Nany also learned that she has a sister she never knew about.  I don't know Spanish but I believe Nany's sister's name translates to "Soon-To-Be-Jealous-Of-My-Taller-Thinner-Bitch-Of-A-Reality-Star-Sister."  It's a long name.  You know how we do's it.  Not to say that Nany's sister wasn't as attractive as Nany, but I thought Zoila from Flipping Out had suddenly popped up on the show.

Hey, the episode wasn't all bad.  Mike-Mike saw his mom that he hadn't scene in two years because of her dependency on drugs.  Which is why, I assume, Mike spent his youth picking pockets and delivering his bounty to Fagin..... for Fuck's Sake!!! Did all of these kids have some horrible, fucked-up, Charles Dickensian childhood?!?!  I swear to the Heavens if we find out that when Dustin was out of porridge he meekly said to the headmaster, "more please," I'm gonna fly to London and piss all over the Dickens wax doll I saw at Madame Tussauds!!!

I wish I could give you more, Folks, I really do.  I'd give you a lollipop or some fake poop or cheese if I could send it to you over the computer.  And by giving you something tangible I believe I would lessen my own guilt for wasting eleven hours of my God Forsaken, Ear-Licking (never-mind that last part) life.

So Nany's dad is dead and Mike's mom is alive but dealing with cancer.  And to give those two support, the rest of the cast.....went to the Hoover Dam and then rode motorcycles.  What the fuck?!?! Okay, fine!!  With this Road Rules-esque activity, I thought I was watching a poor re-enactment of Transformers: The Movie  (called- The Re-Enactment of Transformers: Even Shittier Than Transformers).

And Adam is back and dressing like a Beastie Boy still.  I call him Ad-Cock......because he is a cock.......which rhymes with oh fucking forget about it.  Adam is really Badass.  You know how I know?  Because when he gets drunk he tells everyone in arm's length: "Maaan.  I'm, like, REALLLY FUCKED UP, Maaaaaan!!!"  Yeeehhhaaaaaww!!! I know's you is, Adam! What with the four Bartles & James wine coolers you "sucked down" in three hours!!! Let's fly to London and jerk off the Charles Dickens doll at Madame Tussauds, yo!!!!!!

Next week is the final episode.  Thank you, Jesus.  No more.  Now if you don't mind I have to go, Great Expectations is on Starz 2.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com....and follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Real World: Vegas from the East Side Part 10

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 10 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 24, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part X

Reality Television Apocalypse

I was probably the only one praying for this Rapture nonsense to be, in fact, real this past Saturday.  Why?  So that I wouldn't have to watch one more episode of MTV's The Real World.  Anything.  Earthquake, volcano, syphilis. Anything to let me not watch another second of this uneventful garbage featuring a group of twenty-year-old children who I simply do not care about.

And when I say "children," Friends, I mean children.  At one point in the episode they were taking markers and creating "funny," home-made T-shirts.  Complete with phrases like "I Love Mexican Girls" (on the front of the shirt)...."Or anything I can get" (on the back). Hahahahaahahahaaa!!!! That's fucking hystercial!!!!!  It's like at first Mike is saying he has one preference of women that he is sexually attracted to, but upon a Big Reveal we learn that he is just a desperate fucking shmizbo who would fuck anything that walks!!!! OOH-hee-hee-hahahaahah!! Oh, that's rich!! That's a good one I tells ya!  Someone stick a screwdriver into my cock-hole because that's the funniest home-made, bloody t-shirt these here eyes have ever seen and I SEEN 'EM ALL, Bibbies!!!  Shit! One time I saw a guy wearing a home-made T-shirt that said (on the front) "I like kids" and then (on the back) "....which is why I have four of them buried in my backyard."   Hahahahah!! I thought that one had taken the cake but you know what, Mike-Mike, I was wrong! DEAD fucking WRONG!! Your shirt about wanting to bang any race of chicks was The Shits!  And I should know- I'm a Shits Doctor!!!

Enough of this silliness.  I think I get so angry at this cast of the Real World because these self-inflated jiz-farts simply think they are the cutest homo sapiens to walk or crawl since The Monkees.  I cannot stomach them.  Lately I have only been able to watch the show with one eye closed while pouring hot sauce in the other eye.  I also put an eye patch on my asshole but that is for a different reason altogether.

Lowlights of the episode:  Somehow Heather and Dustin are back to being a couple though Heather told us JUST LAST WEEK that this would never happen. As Naomi would state- "Honey Child, YOU GETTIN' PLAYED."  She'd yell this right after saying, "Shit, honey child, I got all KINDS of venereal diseases!"

Mike-Mike and Dustin get into yet another argument that escalates into Dustin pushing Mike in the face.  Tsk-tsk, Dustin.  Pushing this pacifist-nerd in the nose is like slamming Stephen Hawking over the head with a 2 X 4.   Which is bad news for Hacksaw Jim Duggan if he ever has wrestle Hawking in a hardcore match.

And guess what?  Adam is coming back!!  The guy who got kicked off the show for being such a Badass that he actually punched a lamp once!!  I know.  That is one tough son of a bitch.  If any lamps are reading this article you better Run & Hide if you see Adam A-Comin'!!  He doesn't care for your kind!!!

One last thing- Nany is still searching for her long, lost birth father.  I'd like to think that her absent dad is George Lopez.  In which case he ain't lost at all, Nany!! You can find his ass on TBS Monday through Friday!! Yeeeehaw!!!

What a piece of shit show.  I can only say I will be relieved when this year is over. Hopefully next season will be cast entirely with lamps who beat up humans when THEY get drunk.  That would be fair.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Happy 4th Anniversary To My Wife

Hey, wife, happy anniversary!  Boy, four years has gone by quick! It's weird that the number "four" is not a round number.  It seems like it should be.  Every four years we vote for the President.  The Olympics occur in four year intervals.  The World Cup- every four years.  The European Jizz Championships- four years. ........please disregard that last one.....only me and three Spaniards know about it.

Monday morning opinion

Let's talk turkey- I've noticed I hate eating it in the summer time.  It disgusts me.  Turkey to me is a Fall and Winter food.  Not for the warmer seasons.  Sorry, turkey.....but FUCK YOU!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 9

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 9 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part IX

Parents Are Evil/ Children Are Worse

Seinfeld was a show about nothing? Fuck YOU, Jerry! This season of the Real World is TRULY about Jack and Shit!! I get more out of the horrific Subway product placement than I do the actual show at this point. At least that contrived shit makes me want to get a sandwich (not a Subway sandwich, of course, as they suck animal farts).  Maybe they should get Jared from Subway's fat ass to join the show as the Biggest Douche In Real World History since Judd from the San Francisco season.

Jesus! I just re-read that first paragraph and it seems a little harsh.

...But I shan't change a single word of it...Damn You MTV!!

This show better pick up soon or there will be casualties left all over the place; and I will be one of them, Friends. For starters, I cannot take one more Real World season where they have an episode dedicated to the quirky and weird, yet lovable (LOL ROFL FOOT POO), character who keeps striking out with the ladies.  You know why?  I was that guy at different points in my life (or at least pretended to be).  And when I was "sexually frustrated" (as these barely-out-of-puberty kids keep stupidly saying), maybe or maybe not, an escort would get a call.  And possibly or possibly not, that Astoria Queens escort would quickly relieve any "tension" the Dave Man could or could not have been feeling.  I'll let you the reader decide what happened like one of those dorky Choose Your Own Adventure books. *

* who am I kidding, I loved those books. **

** but not as much as I loved that fucking dweeb Encyclopedia Brown

MTV- we do not need to see this episode any more.  NO MORE.  We also do not need to see the following Real World Beating-A-Dead-Horse episodes on any future seasons:

* black guy getting into a fight with southern/midwestern guy who has made a retarded statement

* southern guy who is "skeeved out" by gay people

* gay Cuban man who is upset that a half-drunken bike messenger has stuck his scabby hands in said Cuban's peanut butter

What else happened on this episode?  Well, let's see.  Nany comes from a broken home and her father used to sell drugs. Whoa!  Hey, I'd be surprised and/or interested if NEARLY EVERY OTHER CAST MEMBER DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE THIS EXACT SAME STORY-LINE!!!!! Seriously!! Dustin's mom did drugs and is bipolar. Leroy's birth mother did a shit load of drugs so he had to live with a foster family. And hey!  BOTH of Mike's parents did drugs! Yipeeeee! (also honorable mention to former cast member Adam who was an actual drug dealer).  So sorry, Nany!!! But my drug-sympathy has already been spent!!!

You see, Folks, what kind of desperation I'm writing with here.  So much time invested....and so little in return.  Fuck it.  I'm gonna pick up an old copy of an Encyclopedia Brown book I found in my attic while writing this shit.  And I hope....no, I PRAY.....that once...just once....Encyclopedia FUCKS BUGS MEANY UP.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

90210- Dylan McKay in review

I just watched an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 for the first time in 10 years with my wife who owns them all on DVD.  It was a big deal apparently because Luke Perry returned to the show after six years.    It is odd when a seventy-seven-year-old Dylan Sideburns-Don't-Work-Anymore McKay comes back into the picture and looks very much out of place............ I lost a dog once when I was ten.  His name was "Stevey."   If Stevey suddenly re-surfaced when I was 16, I would have thought one of two things- Been there, done that.  I'm over you, Stevey."   Or.......zombie dog.

Well, I thank you!

And I mean it! We've had so much traffic that our server couldn't handle THE FIRE and kicked us off. But Kelly the Great re-created this shit from scratch! It'll be 100% by the morning.  I guess this is a good thing.  It means so many people are here that this website is poppin' like Gary Oldman in The Professional.  It means this site is so bangin' The Fly Girls have come out of retirement and are dancing to it as we speak! Thank you, dogsies!!!

Real World: Vegas from the East Side Part 8

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 8 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VIII The Yin & Yang of Boring Whores

I can't believe how bad the Real World: Las Vegas 2011 show is.  On paper last week should have been good.  To give you bullet points: 1.) the room-mates talk about Dustin sucking asses like they were cherry lollipops  2.) Dustin's friends comes over and one of them has sex with Cooke 3.) Naomi has a pregnancy and STD test because Leroy most likely gave her the Clap 4.) Heather and Nany make out in a hot tub and fuck each other in a bed 5.) Dustin, now broken up with Heather, decides to have intercourse with the only other room-mate who will touch him- Cooke.

You:  Shit, Davey Mac! That sounds like an episode so chock full of action I'd like to rip off my dick!!

Me: Don't rip it off quite yet, Friend! It's not that exciting!

You: Are you sure, Davey Mac? I REALLY want to rip my dick off!!

Me: I know you do, amigo, I know you do.

But the truth is- it was a fairly boring episode.  I needed the help of Budweiser and my kids' coloring books just to get myself through the show.  (FYI- kids don't like it when you color all of the Yo Gabba Gabba characters black and tell them that Brobey has just started a Goth Band with his pals.  Apparently they do not know what Goth is.)

You: Can I at least TEAR my dick if you won't allow me to rip it off?

Me: No.

Let's briefly go over those bullets points one by one.  1.) the room-mates did talk about Dustin's adventures in the fun world of internet porn again, yet came to non-judgmental, mild opinions.  They seem fine with Dustin now......fuckers!!! They let this braggart/cock-nose off the hook?!?! Those weak-minded fools, throw 'em into the Sarlacc Pit! Or at the very least feed them to the Rancor monster!!! Hey, guess who watched "Jedi" recently?!

2.) One of Dustin's friends did in fact bang Cooke.  But this guy named Marze was more boring than an A&E King of Cars marathon. (By the way, who the fuck thought a good idea for a reality show would be one of humanity's more painful experiences- buying a car at a used car shop? I guess it was better than King of Tax Accountants).

(Remember this shit?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmExavNky3s&feature=player_embedded

3.) Regarding Naomi's STD and pregnancy test: She's NOT pregnant and thus Leroy is........NOT THE FATHER.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz69Qr5dIdk&feature=player_embedded

.......but on the bright side- Naomi may have the Clap and at the very least a vaginal infection!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNe8bBpgV8Y&feature=player_embedded

Point number 4.  Yes, Nany and Heather hook up in and out of a hot tub.  OK, I have not much to complain about here.

Number 5.  While Dustin and Cooke having intercourse like the two ex-athletes they are (I picture lots of dick-dunks and clitoris-high fives between the two of them) causes some drama.....is it enough?  I don't honestly know...I'm still wondering what a clitoris-high five would be and what it would look like.

So in summation- lots of plot?  No!!!!!! Boring poop!!!!!

You: Dave, what if I've ACCIDENTALLY removed my penis?

Me: Was it really an accident?

You: Ummm........no.

Me: I didn't think so.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 7

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 7 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 3, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VII

Things Are Not What They Seem

Oh Dustin.   Dustin, Dustin, Dustin.  When you have skeletons in the closet, 'tis best not to judge others.  Especially if you have a history of sucking those skeletons' asses and posting the videos online.  That's right.  In one of the least surprising developments on the Real World since Reigndance not winning a Grammy, Dustin Zito (that of such homophobic tutorials as "men and women were put on the earth for one reason: to procreate!" and less enlightening proverbs like "eww....that shit is gay!"), THAT Dustin, has been been keeping a secret- he was on a website where frat boys would pose nude.  And that's all......well......and sometimes jerk themselves off in front of the camera.........and?.........ok, and sometimes jerk each other off in hot tubs......................and?..................alright. Fine. And sometimes "suck each others asses."

Shit, Dustin, as you would say, looks like you been served, son!!!

For the record, this discussion has nothing to do with pornography in general.  Straight.  Gay.  Miscellaneous.  I don't care what kind of website it is.  But when this fuck-head made such a point of NOT riding in a gondola because (as he eloquently put it) "dudes shouldn't ride in gondolas with other dudes," then we have to point and laugh at this 6 foot cock for the fake weasel that he is.  And, again, it's not like this was some summer's eve, romantic gondola in the heart of Venice between two lovers.  This was a God-Damned raft ride in a fucking Las Vegas CASINO.  It's a novelty ride for fuck's sake! It's not fucking real, shit-teeth!

And here comes the real obscene part---  he went by the name Spencer.  Let THAT soak in for a while.

His room-mates (which include his show girlfriend Heather) then all learn of this development one-by-one.  I use the word "development" more loosely than the waist band of the more-than-likely obese creep who shot all these videos.  It's ironic that there are actual important developments in the world like the Royal Wedding and bin Laden being killed.....ok, strike the Royal Wedding......it's ironic that on the day of Osama bin Laden being taken down, I am furiously typing my own breaking news story and it has to deal with a fucking shmizbo on an over-the-hill reality show sucking asses.

By the way, those last words are Dustin's, not mine.  When asked what kind of behavior he participated in on this Lou Pearlman-esque web series, his exact quote was, "We masturbated and sucked each others' asses or whatever."  No.  NOT whatever, Spencer!  You sucked fucking asses!!!  And I want to know what that means!! Assholes?? Cracks?? Or did you just suck buttocks-es like ripe plums?!?!?!  Not fucking WHATEVER, Spencer.

Also, Dustin-Spencer, if you have this secret history that, again, I don't care about (but you apparently are abhorred by and want to hide from your girlfriend Heather for fear that she'll break up with you) here's some Davey Mac advice- don't go out to a sex show in Vegas where transvestites are going to pull you onstage and fake-fuck you.  Know why?  Because Heather, who has recently learned of your past, will most likely say to herself, "Geez Louise, I am a fucking idiot" and dump you. Make sense, dummy?

These are strange times.  Televisions everywhere tuned in to a dead bin Laden.  And Davey Mac.  Tuned in to ass-sucking reality TV.  Jesus Fucking Christ.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

The Dallas Mavericks slay the 2 and 1/2 headed Monster!

Congratulations, Mavericks.  You took down the Badness, the Evilness,  last night and you deserve the kudos of all of us who are Good and Decent citizens.  Well, maybe that's a stretch.  But at least Lebron didn't get his ring yet. http://twitvid.com/9SVOB

Here are some of Lebron's thoughts at the post-game press conference about people who don't like him:

"At the end of the day, all the people that were rooting for me to fail ... at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today. And I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do."

Whoa! So you mean because you're a multi-millionaire and can do whatever the fuck you want that your life is better than mine?!?!  Well you know what, Lebron, you're god-damned right!!!

But you didn't have to say it out loud.

Here's another video.  Watch the footwork.  Watch the follow through.  Nowitzki-esque.

http://twitvid.com/KHIWY

Congrats, Dirk and Jason Kidd.  Now if you don't mind I have to go watch The Lebrons- a cartoon about a Mad Man who imagines there are four different versions of himself living together in an animated sitcom.  I think it was thought up by Charlie Kaufman.  Adios!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 6

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 6 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published April 27, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VI

These Real World People Suck The Asses Of Naughty Animals Who Are Not Delicious To Eat

Maybe I've been too hard on these cock-suckers, I thought to myself.  Maybe I should give these fuckers a fresh start.  Maybe I shouldn't care that this Champion of Assholes, Dustin, never wears a shirt, I thought.  You know what, Dave?  Yes, Dave?  It's time to give these "kids" another chance.  OK, Dave...I said to myself.

Big Mistake.

Within seconds of this past Real World episode, there was Dustin again- shorts.......no shirt......no shoes.  What is this fucking LOST?!  He can't even wear a pair of fucking flip-flops now?!  I wish I was a store-owner so I could say NO SERVICE to this fucking shmizbo!!  What the shit is wrong with this guy? Eric Nies was a God-Damned Puritan compared to this piss-head!! And he was a fucking model, Dustin, you jiz-mop! *

* and Eric hosted The Grind as we all know ***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=sHZ7NGdorJ8

*** but do we all know this about Eric.....that these days he looks like Jesus...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tyNonxzMYvA

That's where you're fucking headed, Dustin!!!  Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

Ok, so what else happened.  Well, a bunch of blah-blah bullshit and then some new chick has joined the show since Adam got thrown out of the "house" (the best suite in the Hard Rock Hotel).  This girl's name is Heather.  Weird because there already IS a Heather on the show!! Whaaaaaa!!!!  I haven't heard of anything so crazy since the Two-Beth-Controversy of Real World: Los Angeles!!

And guess what? This new Heather is one tough cookie!!! Hahahaha!!!  Actually, I only said that because her last name is Cooke.  And thus they call her Cookie.  Which led me to say the thing about her being a....um.....tough.....cookie..........heh.....umm....hey look at that!!!!!!

....While you were distracted at my clever "hey look at that" ruse, I researched this year's cast of the Real World on Wikipedia and much to my surprise found that the show's true Heather is going to the same college that I graduated from- Monmouth University in New Jersey.  So out of some antiquated alumni pride I will now say that the Heather is my favorite part of the show.  Go Hawks!!!! *

* (this includes Hudson Hawk and my favorite cast member from Real World: Wheel-Chair Island, Stephen Hawking).

Anyway, Cookie gets into a fight with a couple of the other broads, Nany & Naomi, because Cookie likes Dustin.  And may possibly want Leroy.  In words, she wants to be the filling in the middle of a-----no.    No more cookie jokes.

Well there you have it.  For a "new room-mate episode," I though it was fairly uneventful.  Maybe I just miss Glen and his Doors-Meets-Phish-except-more-sucky-and-bad-at-music band, Perch.  I go now....to look up Hellen Keller on the internet.  See ya, fuckers!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave LIVE tonight!

Yes sirs and mams! The show is Live tonight on Sirius 206, XM 105 at 8 PM EST, 5 in the west.  There shall be laughter! There shall be wonderfulness and touching and you get the picture!!!

A Salute To Giant Germans Across The Land!

Dirk Nowitzki (pronounced “no-VI-zki,” Mike Francesa, but he’s only been in the league for 13 years how were you supposed to know?)  is simply awesome.  Not since a Man who wore 23 has a player carried a team the way Dirk has.  And that Man’s name of course is……Donald Arthur Mattingly.

I Will Kill DIRECTV If I Cannot See The NBA Finals

DIRECTV, I had a cable guy over my house a month ago.   He was adjusting my dish, and resetting my settings, and fixing my whole system more furiously than Han Solo worked on the Millennium Falcon before it headed into that asteroid field.  Yes, there is thunder.  But there also is NO precipitation in my area.  And the wind is too weak to blow out a candle held by Ebenezer Scrooge.  And yet here we are, DIRECTV, sitting in darkness except for the blue tint coming from my television that says "No Picture."   YOU are MY Scrooge, DIRECTV.  And if I cannot see this pivotal Game 5 of the NBA Finals, I'm gonna Ghost of Christmas Future your fucking ass!!!!!!