Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 4

(Part 4 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published April 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part IV

Here's the bad news.  Shirtless Dustin is still on the Real World.  Here's the good news.  The rest of the cast seem to be coming over to my side....and now, like me, they all hate that jive-talking shmizbo, too.  This week Dustin acts like a big genital wart when the Real World' ers decided to go go-cart racing.  I was hoping someone would throw a red or green turtle shell at Dustin and kill him.  Why?  Because Dustin thought for some insane reason that he was Mario Andretti and this go-cart race was actually important.  Dustin said over and over that he "takes racing real serious."  You know what Dustin doesn't "take serious" apparently?  Proper usage of adverbs!!! It's "seriously," you fucking illiterate cock-sucker!! As in I, East Side Dave, take speaking correctly seriously, dick-nose!!

Dustin is such an asshole.

I was just happy that the nerd of the house, Michael, called Dustin out on his shenanigans. Michael called Dustin self-absorbed......at which point Dustin, who is whiter than the Albino from "The Firm," said: "Mike-Mike, you need to step off, sir."   Step off, sir????  Who the fuck is this guy and why does he talk like this?!?!   I hope somehow that while Dustin is staying in the Hard Rock Hotel the Con Air plane re-appears and takes him out.

By the way, when describing how racing works, Dustin actually used this combination of words: "When it comes to racing there's turns......left...........right.......there's braking........acceleration."   Yes we fucking know how racing works, cum-teeth!! Let me guess- when it comes to cars, there's wheels.....and hoods.....and windows an' shit!!! Wowee!!!! This is fun! When it comes to birds there's wings and beaks an' shit!! Yeeehhaaaw!!

You know who I do love, though?  The screaming-boyfriend-on-the-phone character that I believe has appeared on every Real World season since the Puck Years.  In this case the culprits are Nany and her yelling man, Jordy.  Nany tells this idiot that she hooked up with Adam, who I realize sort of looks like a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid (Aidsy Adam possibly?).  This gets the poor sucker to start shrieking over the phone, "You're gonna make a fool of me on TV!!!!"  No, mister, you and your high-pitch shrills are making you look like a fool.  You been played, Jordy!!!!

Interestingly enough, Nany is cheating on her boyfriend Jordy with Adam, who is cheating on his girlfriend named.....Jordy!! What the shit is this weird universe where everyone with the name Jordy gets cheated on?! Jordy Lemoine better not get too attached to his "bebe," he's gonna get powned!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IiLZ0dvDWU&feature=player_embedded

Fuck these people, honestly.  This really is the worst television show.  Or as Dustin would say, "when it comes to televisions, there's like volume knobs and channels an' shit."   Yeah, Dustin! And there's power buttons, too, which I plan to turn to the OFF position instead of watching next week's retarded episode!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Sesame Place is Fun

.......yet big surprise- I got burnt yesterday.   We took the kids for our annual Sesame Place trip where I get destroyed by the sun and go flying down the water-slide like a giant red-headed idiot; barreling into children at the bottom of the slide who haven't bothered to get out of the way.   I smash into them with the force of a Lawrence Taylor hit on Joe Theisman; breaking their tiny little legs as they scream in agony.  I then get up and tell my wife (who's standing with shame to the side), "Hey honey, I'm gonna do that again!!!!"   At which point I repeat the process and take out four more kids.  I'm pretty sure right now, Sesame Place is littered with mauled children crying out in pain, like some kind of toddler-version of a Civil War battlefield.   Love ya, Big Bird!  

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 3

(Part 3 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published March 28, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part III

The Jersey Shore demons have now spawned their evil onto my precious Real World

Why, oh why, has the word "smoosh" become synonymous with "have sex," "engage in intercourse," or (the preference of many a common people)........ "fuck"? Every time someone from Jersey Shore says it, be it the Irish J-Wow or Latino Snooki, I quietly cry to myself that the youth of America is slowly devolving into talking like the Muppets.  Whereas in my day, I might plead (unsuccessfully might I add) for a girl to "bang" me, at least that sounded like a primal activity.  When these fruitcakes use the designation "smoosh" for fucking, I feel as if Elmo will take his puppet cock out and start boning one of the female mice puppets.  Then in true reality TV fashion, Elmo will go into the Confessional to proclaim that he's "the man" and "what Elmo wants, Elmo gets"....... or some other hideous cliche.

My point is this- those mutants on the Jersey Shore have their own language and way of talking mainly because they're most likely from a different solar system.  They are not one of us.  So then why on earth do these Real World freaks have to use their shitty vocabulary?  Why?!?!  I'm ASKING YOU!!!!   And you know who Smooshed? The Small Town white boy who talks black when around a black person-  Dustin.  And Heather.  And...fuck!!! I see an interminable romantic plotline a la Sammi and Ronnie from Jersey Shore where these two will like each other, then smoosh (fuck, now I'm doing it!) then break up, and blah, blah I wish a Deadliest Catch marathon was on rather than this poop!

Dustin, by the way, has a new unconscionable nickname for Michael.  Ready?  You ready for the most creative and funny nickname you ever heard?  OK, here it is-------it's Mike-Mike.  This fucking guy calls Michael...... Mike-Mike.  No one else calls him Mike-Mike.  Michael's family and friends do not call him Mike-Mike.  NO ONE calls him fucking Mike-Mike! Yet here is this southern fart Dustin calling him Mike-Mike.  Why?  Is one "Mike" not sufficient?  Does one "Mike" not do it for you, Dustin, you whore?  Do we have to now double-up on all names? (Here's the President- Obama-Obama.....now batting- Jeter-Jeter)    What the shit is this?  Oh, I forgot.  The Jersey Shore Devils have influenced a generation of young monkeys who now need to "change it up."  Fo Shizzle, yo! I'm down! Dave-Dave is down with yo' shittttt!

And, Dustin (or should I call him Dus-Dus now?), I know you like the Situation but Heavens to Betsy please put a fucking shirt on!!!  You're in a modern, 21st century hotel in Las Vegas for fucks sake, I'm pretty sure there is A.C.  Turn the thermostat to the "cool" setting and throw on a polo!! And if you're still so warm you have to go through life shirtless then I strongly suggest you go to the hospital as I'm pretty sure you have some fucking Super Fever which has perpetually raised your blood temperature to Anakin Skywalker post-the-lava-incident levels!! You hear me, Dus-Dus? You hear me, dawg!!!

Also, Dus-Dus's mom is bi-polar.  He told us that on the episode in what was supposed to be a Deep Moment.....but I admit I laughed.  Then I started talking like Dus-Dus: "My mom-mom's is, like, bananas!! Shiiiiiiiit!!"    I didn't feel bad for a guy who can't wear clothing on the upper body.  Plus, I'm pretty sure he too is not human.  Dus-Dus reminds me of some wacky 1980's movie, man-robot; spewing off language he thinks will relate him to other humans but, oh shit son, he's using the words in the wrong context! Look for Anthony Michael Hall and Kelly Lebrock to co-star in this '80's fun-fest!!

And what does "cop him out" mean?  This phrase was uttered multiple times.  As in, "every time that kid does something stupid you cop him out?"  I have no idea.  Does it mean "defend him"?  Seriously, what the fuck are these retarded shmizbo's saying?!  It hurts what's left of my television-corrupted soul to hear slang I am unfamiliar with! It's like these donkeys talk in code for jizz sake! And I can't take it!!

Producers and set builders for the Real World: STOP MAKING THE REAL WORLD HOUSE LOOK AS IF A CLOCKWORK ORANGE WAS FILMED IN IKEA.  Enough with the orange and red.  I fear the sets are so bright that they will cause my television to explode soon.  And then how am I gonna watch A Minute To Win It, dogsie?!

Last thing.  My favorite part of the show was when Adam (who got all drunk and nuts and shit) almost got into a fight with Leroy when Leroy was miffed at some of Adam's otherwise uncultured behavior.  Translated- Leroy told Adam to "eat a dick."  Adam then responded by saying he was indignant at this offensive statement imparted in Adam's direction.  Translated again- Adam said, "don't tell me to eat a dick."  At which point the conversation went similarly to this: "Oh yeah? Well......I says it another time......eat a dick."   "No, I don't like eating dicks."   "Fo' reals?"    "Reals."   It was Tarantino-esque dialogue I tells ya!!!!

Truth is- these Jersey Shore wannabe's on the Real World should.....All......Eat......Dicks.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Below this post...

...Part 2 of my epic 12-part series on the Real World.  All the articles will be posted here (one a day for the next two weeks or so),  so check back frequently and enjoy!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 2

(Part 2 of Dave McDonald's 12-part series of articles about MTV's The Real World.   Originally published March 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part II

The Real World as an allegory for privileged, young idiots....maybe not so much of an allegory afterall

East Side Dave McDonald here.  I host a show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio called Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave.  I work in Jersey radio.  I do a weekly sports show (the Davey Mac Sports Program) on the Internet.  I understand what it is to want my voice heard.... I really do.  And yet never....EVER....in my life have I thought of uttering the phrase: "He has some serious swagger for a white boy."  Yup.  And what qualified person of color made this superficial statement?  Heather- blond, hobbit-esque, and- oh yeah- white.

Yessir! Dustin got some serious swagger, yo!  For a WHITE boy, that is! And the thing about Dustin- when he a.) hangs out with a black guy or b.) gets angry at a white guy who he feels he can intimidate, he really can affect not only a swagger, but some SERIOUS attitude, SON! That's right.....Dustin likes calling people "son" when he's mad at them.  Are you serious, son?!  You for reals, son?? I gots to do some shitties, son! *

* was not actually said

And why was Dustin so angry?  Because a guy Dustin's known for four minutes made out with a girl Dustin's known for three minutes.  But Dustin is POSITIVE this girl is the one for him.  The girl? Little Heather.  She's like a miniature Jewel.  I bet at some point in this season, we hear that Heather lived in a miniature van in mini-Alaska (Oregon?) while she struggled to become a miniature singer.  If Jewel was smart she'd put diminutive Heather atop her piano during live shows the way Dr. Evil did with Verne Troyer.  Then everyone in the audience could try to pelt them with coins.

As for the guy Dustin was angry with- Michael- this younger Bill Gates character is smart.  We know that he's smart because when he uses words like "electricity" and "storm" the rest of the roomates say stuff like, "Whoa! You so smart and shit!"  Also heard in this vain are the sentences- "Mike be, like, a genius!" and "Mike so intelligent he just made my dumb ass fart!" *

* was not actually said

By the way, Dustin was pissed off at Michael for kissing Heather during a game of Truth Or Dare and.....uh, how do I say this......Dustin may or may not have done MALE PORN FOR MONEY! Not that it matters what kind of porn one does, but nevertheless, Dustin, you fucking hypocritical backwoods jizz-mop! I'd say pull your head out of your ass, Dustin, but you'd have to remove the large dildo first. Anyway, this silly douche-ary was so petty it made Pedro's peanut butter situation with Puck in Real World: San Francisco look like a Presidential debate.

Hold on! We ain't done yet, son! Big News----- Adam, the "Bad Boy" (if you're an idea of a Bad Boy entails a guy who probably could get beaten up by Andy Dick), well this rebel likes drinking.  And on this past episode Adam got so drunk he broke an empty bottle on the floor.  Shit! I thought I was watching the Ghost of Jim Morrison out there! *

* author is lying

I mean, I can't believe I've never thought of finishing a bottle of alcohol and then throwing it to the ground! If I had, then I could be a self-ordained, uninteresting "bad boy" like Adam.  And guess what?  One of the room-mates, Nany, has a thing for bad boys! Oooooooh, this is gonna be good.  Terrell Owens would say, "get your popcorn ready" for situations like these but I hate T.O and so I shan't be quoting him.  I'll choose Joe Neikro instead- "get your nail files ready!"

Yeah.  That's right, Nany says Adam is "her type."  Hold on, my dog is so bored by this show she just threw up.  Ok, I'm back.  I love when people who are barely out of their teenage years say they have "a type."  That's like a six-year-old saying, "You know, I think I'm gonna stop smoking."   It's fruitless, pointless, and lessless. Outside of these two seismic events which were hardly seismic at all nothing much happened.   So I think I'll say seismic again...........seismic.

Two episodes in and I can truthfully say that these kids and myself deserve Hell.  And, trust me, friends- we will find it together.  Hand in hand.  We gonna burn, SON!!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or twitter.com/EastSideDave

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 1

(Part 1 of Dave McDonald's 12-part series of articles about MTV's The Real World.   Originally published March 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth

A look into the evil that is MTV's the Real World

Hello.  Let me start by introducing myself.  My name is David.  Some call me East Side Dave.  Some call me Davey Mac.  I call myself an addict.  A pathetic, reality TV addict where what's left of my soul is swallowed up by people who, in real life, I usually would not be interested in.  I've noticed that the only people website commenting on these shows are other reality TV....what do you call these creatures?.....contestants, characters, stars, etc.    Jonny Fairplay noticed this, too.  So he wanted an outsider's opinion on one the founding fathers- MTV's The Real World.  It also helped that no one from The Real World wanted to participate in this farce and so Fairplay was forced to ask for my assistance.

But that does not mean that I am not qualified to analyze the Real World.  I come to you from the point of view of someone who usually ends up disliking 88% of the cast and who has not thoroughly enjoyed the show in years, yet watches because the Real World is as addictive to me as any of your standard narcotics.  The show has been around for twenty years and we've come a long way from Eric and Becky and Norman, my friends.  Reigndance is over and done with.  I believe Becky is now a singing-drunkard-bartender.  Julie has lost all her teeth.  Eric Neise is an evangelist.  Heather is in prison on animal cruelty charges.  And Kevin has gone blind.

OK, some of those things are not true.  But that is how I prefer to think of that great, original cast which was unique and new.  Kevin was the angry, black guy.  Julie was the green, young girl who was gonna experience the Big City.  And so on.  You know the Real World characters.  And guess what?  Not much has changed.  They are the same, if not worse- cartoon characters of American youth.   No matter how they were educated, many of them are dim, non-living, inexperienced vampire-whores who, for some odd reason, are opinionated about an array of topics they know nothing about.  It begs the question- was I...no...were WE as heartlessly stupid as these overconfident assholes when we were in our early 20's?  I shutter to think that the answer may be "yes."  I also choose not to believe it.  When I was 20 I knew enough to know that I didn't know shit.  Which is why I guess I find these lucky clowns still compelling after all these years- they really are freaks.  They were picked to stand in front of camera and spew egotistical gibberish and they feel like they are now better than us.

For God's sake, at least in Big Brother or Survivor you have to play a game! I suppose in shows like that you are at least accomplishing something.  In the Real World, they do jack and shit! And yet they love themselves way too much.  Always be suspicious of people who love themselves too much.  The kind of people who look in the mirror and think they look...."hot".....are pure evil and belong in the Book of Revelation.  They are not the kind of people who wait in line at 7-Eleven for a Slurpee and a porn magazine.  They are better than us...or at least they think they are.

But listen, I don't know these people.  Maybe this cast will be different.  Maybe we will get at least three new types of personalities that we haven't seen before.  Or maybe we'll get Leroy, the angry, young, black guy. And we'll get Naomi, the sassy inner-city Latino girl who will remind us at every turn what her neighborhood is like and how "shit goes down" where she comes from and blah, blah, "I'm from the 'hood," blah, blah.  Look for this to surface especially during drunken arguments with her white roomates. Oh yes.  I won't be only picking on people of ethnicity.  Damnit do I hate the young, pie-eyed white cock from the small town who thinks he's shy and funny and shy and, did he mention he's just from a small town and is shy?  YES!! We fucking get it! You're shy!  Well guess what, people?  The Real World has cast TWO of these assholes!  One who will use this gimmick to woo women and the other will use it to look like a jackass on television.  These two guys are named Dustin and Michael.  But they should be called the Fuckstick Twins.

Then we have Heather.  She seems nice enough.  A tiny little blond girl who yips and yaps like my three-legged Pomeranian.  I can't say anything bad about Heather because she reminds me of Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba and hating Foofa is like hating on marshmallows and rainbows.  Let's skip her and go to Nany.  I don't trust her for some reason.  I want to put that on the table.  I will gauge her behavior and document the findings.  I will keep my eye on her.  And if I go missing for more than three days, you'll know who to blame.  Blame Nany.  She had me killed.

This brings us to the final contestant on the Real World showcase showdown- and this character's name is Adam.  Remember Eminem in Eight Mile?  So does Adam.  Because he's ripped everything from his look to his demeanor to his background from Rabbit.  Although, I did find it interesting that this hardcore white kid is from....ahem.....Maine?  Huh?  Since when did Maine produce this kind of vapid, trendy dick-fuck? I thought Maine spawned freaks like....um....like.....well apparently I know very little about Maine.  Maybe a This Old House marathon will come on PBS and then my opinion will become more informed.  Anyway, Adam and people like Adam are the most transparent mother-fuckers in the world.  The gold chain, the white T-shirt, the baggy jeans.  We get it, fucko! You like rap; which, for a white person, makes you better than other white people but still inferior (street-cred-wise) to blacks.

And how absolutely non-shocked I was when Adam 13 Inches of Snow told us that he's a "player."  Oh watch out, Nany- you about to be PLAYED, honey pie!  Even if you do look like a younger Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef, you GONNA GET PLAYED!    Christ, why am I watching this fucking show?!?!?  Why, after all these years, do I pry my eye lids open and strap myself to the couch a la Alex from A Clockwork Orange only to get systematically disappointed year after fucking year! Because God Damn Johnny Fairplay and his dead fucking grandmother somehow convinced me to do this, that's why! A curse on Fairplay's house!  And why else do I watch this eternally shitty show?  Because my name is David.  And I am an addict.  Nice to meet you.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Coming soon.....

....If you missed my 12-part series of articles on MTV's The Real World that I wrote for RealityGeek.com......fear not!!  We will be posting the entire series right here, one article a day! Check back for the first one! Whether you like The Real World or detest it (as I do), the articles are sure to be as entertaining as torturing insects that you find in your basement!

Things

We had a great show tonight....thanks to everybody who called in!  I am on a crazy Woody Allen run since I saw Midnight In Paris.  Just watched Hannah And Her Sisters......now it's time for Manhattan.  I am also eating 7-11 wings at 2:35 in the morning and with every third wing I need to do the shitties.   That probably isn't good.

Have you seen......

.....the Davan Spurlock doc?  Heck, you live in America and things are crazy......... so watch the movie that exposes it all!!!!!

Times Are Good

....what a comeback by my Dallas Mavs.   We gonna win this shit....maybe......take two out of three in Dallas,  then we'll talk.

This week's Davey Mac Sports Program is now up!

Plus, catch a Video Snippet of this week's episode somewhere on this ridiculous website!! Latest video, video gallery, it's all good!!  We talk about the NBA Finals and how Jimmy Buffet was passed over for Michael McDonald by the Miami Heat to do the National Anthem in Game 1.  Also, as an aside, is it just me or does anyone else get creeped out by that Ali guy on CNN's This American Morning?

New Video and thoughts...

A new video-  Petey: The Annoyingly Apologetic LOST Character is up!  Also, I am dying to see The Tree Of Life by the great Terrence Malick yet no theaters in my area are carrying it.  I understand that New York and L.A. will get the movie before we do but it better roll out here soon or there will be Hell to pay.   So, I think I will see the new Woody Allen film instead.  Oddly enough, my seventh grade basketball coach went by the name Woody Malick- which is a combination of both those directors' names.  As you can tell, I didn't sleep last night.....which is probably why I, and I alone, found that last nugget of information interesting.

Happy Memorial Day!

I've made myself four hamburgers today.  Two for lunch.  Two for supper.  I might make two more for a late dinner.  On holidays, I eat more meals than a fucking hobbit.

Beer & Horses

....is what we did today.  At the Monmouth Race Track.  I drank nice beer and ate even better bratwurst, and then put some money down on the Three Horse in one of the races.   This son of a bitch started out of the gates in First.  So I said to myself, "This Fucker will fade quickly."  But then he managed to STAY in first.  For nearly the ENTIRE fucking race.................  

..........And Down The Stretch We Come!  I'm thinking, "Shit, this was the best bet ever. We're gonna be fucking rich.   Let's move from South Jersey to CENTRAL Jersey with this dough."    Until the God Damned jockey starting beating this defenseless animal for NO REASON and at that EXACT moment my fucking horse said, "You hit me?! I take a dive now."   And in the last TWENTY FEET my horse got overtaken by three other horses.  You Sons of Bitches!! I'm looking into you Three Horse, don't think I'm not!!!!! Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!

Quick Thank You

...To Kelly for putting this site together! Amazing job!  And thanks to Jeff for doing the original!  As a quick aside, my kids are so hopped on up syrup they're acting like little Flavor Flav's!

Davey Mac Sports Program Presents...

...the Second Annual Wiffle Ball Tournament in New Jersey! Check my Facebook for details!

Special Delivery Live tonight at 8 PM EST! Sirius 206, XM 105!

Every Saturday night catch my show- Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave on Sirius XM!  We rock it! Then we roll it!! Then sucky! Then fucky!

Welcome to the new EastSideDaveCountry.com

Welcome to EastSideDaveCountry, my friends!  We've got original videos, links to my various projects, and more fun stuff! Take a look around, dogsies....and stay tuned!!! -Dave