Florida Gulf Coast wins! …………who?!?! (3/25/13)

It’s your March Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Report and some school called Florida Gulf Coast University is the Cinderella darling of the NCAA Tournament by becoming the first 15-seed in history to advance to the Sweet 16 (they defeated San Diego State yesterday, 81 to 71).  The school, in fact, has only been around since 1997. Shit!!  That, my friends, is a young college!!  I mean, you know your school is young when it wasn’t even around when Kurt Cobain blew his head off!!

Audience:  Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Davey Mac:  Thank you, thank you!!  I mean, it’s like…that school is so young they probably wouldn’t even remember the son of a shittin’ Tracey Ullman Show!!!!

Audience:  Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Davey Mac:  Hahaha, right?! It’s like, Florida Gulf Coast is so damned young, they probably don’t even know who the fuck Hitlerwas!!!

Audience: …………….

Davey Mac:  …you know…’cause the university wasn’t around in the ’40′s and…

Audience: …………….

Davey Mac:  …listen…I’m sorry…I’m just really drunk is all…

The other major upset was 9-seed Wichita State taking down number-one-seeded Gonzaga- 76 to 70.  Afterwards, Wichita St. was treated to a special post-game speech on the team bus by…Tim Fucking Tebow.  Noooooooo!!!!!  We in the sports media had gone two or three fucking months without saying the word “Tebow” and now all that hard work has been ruined!!  Additionally, it was reported that Tebow was wearing a pink sweater.  Noooooo!!!  We’re STILL talking about Tebow AND we’re giving shitty details about him!!!  Finally, sources say that Tebow also had a tie and an un-tucked shirt on.  Noooooooo!!!!  Oh god, we’ve been Tebowed!!!  Where’s a fucking gun?!?!

Some big names have advanced, of course.  I’m trying to remember them all, but I’m a little high right now.  Let’s see…I know Louisville is still in….let me just hit this pot for a second…and Kansas is still alive…I think…um…uh…and Indiana has advanced…I am so high I could use some crackers…lastly…the other big names to make it to the Sweet 16 (I think) are: Duke, Andre the Giant, man these fucking crackers are good, the Balrog who killed Gandalf, the Smoke Monster from Lost, I wish I could marry crackers, Darth Vader, and Godzilla.  Yes.  Yes it’s true…I’m really high right now.  So be it.  More crackers, please.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented crackers…for obvious reasons…

See ya later, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (3/25/13)

Boy oh boy, Harvard!!! (3/22/13)

 

It’s your March Twenty-Second Davey Mac Report and March Madness is here and it’s already fucking up our bracket, dawgs!!  One of the biggest upsets occurred when the privileged White Boy Team (no, not Duke) beat New Mexico, 68 to 62.  That’s right, Harvard (a number 14 seed) took down the Lobos (a three seed) yesterday.  I would feel good for this rag-tag group of basketball-playing underdogs…except for the fact that the kids on the squad go to fucking Harvard and their lives are already on Easy Street!!  I mean, come on, can we really call anyone from an Ivy League a “Cinderella Team”?!  Well, maybe we could call Brown that…but honestly, we don’t even know where Brown is.  Brown is the Shit College of Ivy League schools.  That’s why it’s called Brown.  Because, my friends, that is the color of shit.  Brown.

Number-one seeded Gonzaga barely escaped a huge upset by defeating #16 Southern University, 64 to 58.  I like Gonazag’s big man, Kelly Olynyk, the guy with the long hair and head-band.  He sort of reminds me of the lead singer of Stillwater.  It’d be cool if after Olynyk dunked the ball, he broke out into a rendition of “Fever Dog”.  I just hope Olynyk can finally set aside his jealousy for guitarist Russell.  I know you’re the front man, Kelly, but dammit, Russell is the fucking band-leader!!  Whether you like it or not, punk!!!

A bunch of other shit happened in the college tournament including:

* PCU going on probation because of Jeremy Piven’s house party

* Faber exploding because of a bomb accidentally detonated by Flounder

* I once threw up on a Christmas tree at Fordham

* University of Louisiana water-boy Bobby Boucher was paralyzed after slipping on some ice

* And Dick Tech jizzed on Titty State

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the CBS-TNT-TBS-Tru TV connection of networks who are covering all of the March Madness action.  I actually think they’re doing a great job…that is…except for that fucking Citi Bank commercial that is played CONSTANTLY!!  We get it- somebody left the fucking gate open!!!  ENOUGH!!!

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!!  Peace!!

- Dave (3/22/13)

LeBron James to the Celtics- “Suck it, assholes. Suck it hard.” (3/19/13)

 

It’s your March Nineteenth Davey Mac Report and LeBron James rode into Boston last night, poster-ized Jason Terry, erased a 17-point deficit, and hit the eventual game-winner as the Heat won their 23rd straight contest by beating the Celtics, 105 to 103.  This streak is now starting to get interesting.  In fact, dare I say with the wonderful NCAA Tournament and March Madness nearly upon us, the Heat have put the Sports World Spotlight squarely on Miami.  Which is better than when Tony Montana put the Coke War Spotlight squarely on Miami.  And it’s far better than when Jimmy Bugget put the Giant Parrot Head on Miami.  But it’s not as good as when Ace Vetura put the Pet Detective Sign on Miami…that was pretty cool.

Whoa!  We’ve got some hot, breaking news!  Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn are now an official couple!  Sweet!!   I guess that means no more Perkins waitresses for Tiger…which is a real shame.  But, hey, he can always bang a Denny’s broad!!  As for Vonn, she is an attractive enough woman for Tiger, I suppose, and is a well-decorated athlete, which is kind of fun.  But let’s face it, she probably doesn’t know how to bring pancakes to the table the way that Perkins hussy did.  Come on, Lindsey, its serve on the LEFT, clear from the RIGHT, you bitch!!  This is food-fucking-service 101!!!

Here’s some football news that we can all yawn to- Jets head coach Rex Ryan said that Mark Sanchez is still the team’s starter, but that Tim Tebow and newly-signed David Garrard will get a “chance to compete” and blah, blah, blah, the team needs to “get better” and Rex “would like to rape a steak if that is possible and legal” and that Rex is “thinking about adopting a black baby” and that “cupcakes are nice” and also that “Yoda was a little liar the way he pretended he wasn’t Yoda when Luke Skywalker crashed his X-Wing in Yoda’s swamp, and Yoda was like, ‘Hey, I can take you to Yoda if you give me one of those space bread sticks you have in your lunchbox’ and the next thing you know, while Yoda was making that space stew, he turns around and says to Luke, ‘Yeah!  You been PUNK’D, asshole!  I was Yoda all along!!’  That was fucked up.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to…St. Patrick.  It was his birthday or some shit like that 48 hours ago and I forgot to give him a proper shout out.  I don’t really know that much about the man…except that he drove the snakes out of Ireland, I think.  I don’t know…I’m really fucking stoned right now and think I may have pissed my pants a little.  Toodle-oo!!

- Dave (3/19/13)

Bring on the Madness, mother-fuckers! (3/18/13)

 

It's your March Eighteenth Davey Mac Report and the 2013 NCAA Tournament is here, daddy, and we are fucking excited.  Louisville, Indiana, Kansas, and Gonzaga are the number one seeds.  The games start Thursday.  I am seriously so enthused that I can barely sleep.  In fact, I've been up for 52 straight hours...but that's probably got more to do with the Methamphetamines that I'm cooking and ingesting in my garage.  The more that I think about it, maybe I'm not excited at all for the basketball.  Maybe...just maybe...I'm actually simply jittery from the Meth Madness tournament that I've entered.  I'm almost ready- I've got white powder on my face, two shotguns loaded, and an assortment of shady cohorts who promise to get me to the finish line.  Bring on the Madness!!

By the way, if I was to choose one rock group to represent this time of year in the sports world, it would be the ska band Madness...mainly because they have the word "Madness" in their name and I am drunker than Boris Yeltsin in a Smirnoff factory.  I think it's probably left-over alcohol poisoning from this killer St. Patrick's weekend-long celebration.  I don't know if I should tell you this, but I'm pretty sure I murdered a homeless person at some point.  I don't know...I was pretty blacked out.

The Miami Heat have now tied the 2007-08 Rockets for the second-longest winning-streak in NBA history at 22 games.  The '71-'72 Lakers have the record at 33 consecutive victorious games.  What do you think the chances are of the Heat breaking the Lakers' streak?  I say about 40%.  However, I think the chances are 100% that I just defecated in my pants a little, thinking it was a fart.  Well it was not, my dear readers.  It...'twas...shit.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the people who made the ESPN documentary "Survive And Advance"...the story of the 1982-1983 North Carolina State Wolfpack who shocked everyone by winning the 1983 NCAA Tournament, led by coach Jim Valvano.  It's a great special, and I strongly urge you to check it out.  I also recommend the film "Alien Wives With Big Tits Who Suck Human Goo", which is a movie that is currently playing on YouJizz.com.  Thank you.

See you homies later!!

-Dave (3/18/13)

It’s a St. Patrick’s Day Fuckfest! (3/15/13)

 

It’s your March Fifteenth Davey Mac Report and en lieu of my third favorite holiday of the year coming up, St. Patrick’s Day (only behind Christmas and Cumfest), we shall green this shit up today.  You know why?  Because I’m already half-drunk in preparing for St. Pat’s, THAT’S fucking why!!  Now enough of the shenanigans and let’s get to it!!

* I think the greatest Irish athlete ever is Shaquille O’Neal.  He’s what we call “black Irish”…or rather…”REALLY black Irish”…or rather…”REALLY FUCKING BLACK Irish”…

* On St. Patty’s Day, I often drink so much that eventually I wake up the next day with a U2 album cover stuck to my stomach.  The adhesive that’s keeping The Joshua Tree glued to me?  I’m afraid that it’s possibly jizz, my friends.

* The best type of treat for the occasion (besides beer, hard-grain alcohol, Irish marijuana, green pills, and Shamrock-soaked ether, of course) is Entenmann’s St. Patrick’s Day cupcakes.  They taste incredible.  Especially when you’ve found yourself with no pants on in a jail cell.

* My three traditions on St. Patty’s:  1.) watching the parade  2.) listening to the Pogues  3.) puking in my socks.

* I also enjoy watching the following on this wonderful day:  State of Grace, and Dave’s Home-Made Drunken Jerkoff Porn.  Two great and twisted Irish films!!

* I intend to wear a green sweatshirt if I can scrub the dried cum stain off it.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY, homies!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/105)!!  It’s a St. Patty’s Day Special!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/15/13)

Dwight Howard the Duck is a headline that makes no sense! (3/13/13)

 

It’s your March Thirteenth Davey Mac Report and former Magic center and now a Laker, Dwight Howard, went back to Orlando to face a hostile crowd and put up 39 points and 16 rebounds in L.A.’s win.  The fans were killing Howard with a chorus of boos and signs that said:

- “Coward”

- “Kobe’s Kid”

- “Dick-Nose”

- “Dork-O-Rama”

- “Fuck-Face”

- “Dwight = Poo”

- “Jerk-Head”

- “Seven Foot Slut”

- and “Jizz-Brain”

It was a rough environment.  I can’t imagine facing that kind of animosity…except for the one time I was booked to sing at the 23rd Annual Little People Awards and did my musical medley of songs that featured the hits, “I’m Afraid of Midgets”, “Let’s Blow Up The Dwarf House”, and “This Place Looks Like An Ugly Hobbit Convention”.  Oh well…

Meanwhile the Heat won their 19th straight game last night by beating the Hawks- 98 to 81.  It’s over.  Let’s not even play the NBA Playoffs this year because Miami has the championship all wrapped up.  Instead, let’s have an organized Who Can Staple The Most Toys To Their Dick tournament.  Who’s with me?

Crazy Guy #1:  I am, David!!

Dave:  Awesome!!  Who else?!

Crazy Guy #2:  Me!!!

Dave: Excellent!!  Anybody else?!

Crazy Guy #2:  Count ME in, Davey Mac!!

Dave:  Alright!!  Let’s do’s it!!

Crazy People:  Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!!

A whole bunch of NFL shit has been happening but who cares?  It’s almost Game Of Thrones season, dawg!!  And that’s where my priorities are!!  My prediction for this year on Thrones- the dragons will grow up and fuck topless women.  Either that, or the women will grow up and fuck topless dragons.  I’m not sure which, but someone will be topless and dragons will sure as shit be involved in a sex act!!  That’s a Davey Mac guarantee!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the next Pope, whoever that may be.  Hopefully he’ll forgive me for the time I threw my brother’s goldfish into the microwave.

See you guys this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program…LIVE on Usream!!  Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the shit!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/13/13)

People don’t like Michael Vick! Gee, what a fucking surprise! (3/12/13)

 

It’s your March Twelfth Davey Mac Report and apparently some people are still pissed at Michael Vick.  Vick had to cancel his book tour because there have been multiple death threats against him and book store employees if he goes to one of the locations to signs copies of his autobiography, “Finally Free”.  Geez, when are people going to let Vick’s past sins go?  I mean, all he did was electrocute, drown, beat, and shoot tens of dogs!  I’m sayin’, how do we know that all those dogs didn’t deserve it?  I mean, were YOU there?  I didn’t fucking think so!!  Those 58 dogs could have pissed all over Vick’s kitchen floor!  Do you know what kind of mess that would be?!  A HUGE fucking mess, THAT’S what kind!!  Shit, I once owned a pet guinea pig named Rocky who bit my finger…I detonated his disrespectful little ass with some A-Grade firecrackers that I bought in Maryland!!  Fuck YOU, Rocky!!  I hope you’re burning in Small Annoying Animal Hell!!!  

Wide receiving superstar Anquan Boldin has been traded from the champion Baltimore Ravens to the team they beat in the Super Bowl, the San Francisco 49′ers.  He found out about the trade while on a charity mission in Africa.  Boldin, along with fellow receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Roddy White, is trying to restore farmland in Senegal.  Good for Anquan.  I myself do charitable work from time to time.  I’m involved in the Drunken Brothers & Sisters Group where I, under the influence of booze (and pills) go to bars and tell people all that I know about the Star Wars trilogy.  And wouldn’t you know it, while helping my “charity”, I’ve only been stabbed thrice at two different biker bars!!  It feels good to give!!

Lakers center Dwight Howard goes back to Orlando tonight to play against his former team (who he recently badmouthed, by the way).  I don’t care for Howard much.  Nor do I care for getting marbles stuck in my dick-hole…but I keep shoving them up there anyway…to each his own, is what they say…but “they” were probably drunk when they came up with that phrase…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my ulcer, who is causing me insane pain.  I wish I could cut it out and feed it to my dog…but then I’d be worried about my dog getting an ulcer, too…and that can’t happen.

Until we meet again, Dave Pound!

-Dave (3/12/13)

This Dunk Was So Awesome It Made Me Shit! (3/11/13)

 

It’s your March Eleventh Davey Mac Report and did anyone see the dunk performed by the Clippers’ DeAndre Jordan?  Fuck, was this thing incredible:

Watch DeAndre Jordan fuck the Pistons with this dunk-link that will make children cry

Wow, right?  I mean, if you watched that thing, you probably started jerking off.  I know I did.  I really did.  No shit.  There’s some jizz on my keyboard right now.  It’s disgusting.  But I can’t help it.  That fucking dunk was insane.  AND it was a Clippers’ dunk without Blake Griffin.  Even more impressive.  I once “threw down” like that in a basketball game.  Of course, it was on a seven-foot dunk hoop at my friend Trevor’s house.  And quite frankly, the slam was actually more of a Darryl Dawkins’ move, as I not only dunked the ball hard, but I ripped down (broke) Trevor’s thousand-dollar rim, where it shattered all over the driveway.  Trevor was mad at me for two reasons:  1.) The hoop was made for children and not drunk thirty-five-year-old’s and 2.) I hadn’t officially been invited over to his house in the first place.  In fact, “Trevor” was a stranger named Don…who I think is a bus-driver.

Indiana head coach Tom Crean has apologized after yelling at Michigan assistant coach Jeff Meyer after the game on Sunday.  Crean was caught by cameras screaming “You know what you did!  You helped wreck our program!”  Meyer had been an assistant at Indiana from 2006-2008 when the team was put on probation.  By the way, Crean is the brother-in-law of Jim Harbaugh, who also had his own famous post-game confrontation with a coach.  Food for thought- that Harbaugh/Crean family seems a little high-strung.  Mother-fuckers needs to chillz.  They should come over to the Dave Man’s house and enter The Smoke Zone, daddy.  Get their highin’ on.  Then, Harbaugh, Crean, and myself will get nice and lit, and I’ll challenge them to a Marijuana-Induced-Air-Hockey competition where, in our three-man tournament, the runner-up loses a finger, and the last place contestant gets shot in the dick.  It’s gonna be a fucking blast!

Tiger Woods easily won the WGC-Cadillac Championship yesterday, making it his 76th victorious tournament (six short of Sam Snead’s record of 82 wins).  The questions Woods’ dominant victory immediately rise are:

* Does this make Tiger the favorite to win The Masters?

* Does cream cheese remind anyone else of cow cum or is that just me?

* Where the fuck is my underwear?

* How come my pet parrot Timothy isn’t breathing?

* Can you smell a gas leak?

* Why do I feel so light-headed?

* Who glued my cock to the milk-shake machine?

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Miami Heat, who won their 18th straight game by beating the Pacers yesterday- 105 to 91.  The Heat are good…so good, in fact, that most people despise them.  That’s why I figure if you and me make Miami Hate t-shirts, we’ll clean up.  I just need to borrow ten thousand dollars…in cash…pronto.

Adios, amigos!

-Dave (3/11/13)

Mariano has one year to live! Oops…um…we mean PITCH! Mariano has one year to PITCH! Sorry for the confusing headline! (3/8/13)

 

It’s your March Eighth Davey Mac Report and the greatest closer in baseball history, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, has announced that he will retire after this season.  Which means starting in 2014, be prepared for the Yanks to blow a shitload of games.  Mariano is the best at his position that any athlete has been at their respective positions.  We’re talking about Michael Jordan as the greatest shooting guard, Jerry Rice as the ultimate receiver, Secretariat as the quintessential dumb animal that runs quickly and shits outdoors, the Fonz as the perfect 40-year-old creep strangely hanging around and trying to bang under-aged high school kids, Chief Wiggum as the perfect cartoon police officer who has at least 7 to 10 “friendly fire” shootings in which multiple people died, and Jabba the Hut as the most awesome slug-gangster in the galaxy.  We’ll miss you, Mariano!!

I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately, including a ton of college basketball, and a thought occurred to me- “What is that sensation in my pants?  Oh…that’s right, it’s some fart-shits.”  You see, Davey Mac readers, I have been on a strict diet of grapes and non-fat potato chips.  And, quiet frankly, it certainly affects me in the bowel area.  I can’t sneeze without a possibility of poo coming out.  The other day I was watching American Idol; and when the contestant Charlie was done singing, I applauded for him.  This slightest of movements then caused what I thought was a fart bubble…until I felt some feces sliding down my leg and touching my socks.  It was not a good moment, friends.

The “Catholic 7″ have made it official and are leaving the Big East (the schools are DePaul, Marquette, Seton Hall, Georgetown, Providence, Villanova, and St. John’s).  In other news, the “Muslim 6″ will no longer be a part of the Big Ten, mainly because there are no Muslim colleges in that conference.  And in more news, the “Atheist 2″ has stated that they’ve changed their minds and now believe in God.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Roker, for braving this winter storm and going out into the snow and slush to cover it for the Today show.  Unbeknownst to Mr. Roker, I am hiding behind a tree and plan to hit him in the face with a giant snow ball (really, it’s more of a snow boulder) when he’s live on camera.  I’ll see you guys when I get out of jail!

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/8/13)

Nicklaus to Tiger- “Get your ass in gear, punk!” (3/5/13)

 

It’s your March Fifth Davey Mac Report and sometimes I think the media is asleep.  Recently, Jack Nicklaus was asked if he still thinks that Tiger Woods will break his all-time major championships record of 18.  This is what Nicklaus said:

“I still think he can do it.  But that said, he has still got to do it. He hasn’t won one in five years. He had better get with it if he’s going to.”

Now, the odd thing is that my fellow sports writers and commentators are saying that this means Nicklaus is “backing” Tiger.  This is why you need the “Most Untrusted and Most Likely To Steal From Your House”-name in sports, Sir David McDonald, to give you the real shit.  Nicklaus pointed out that Tiger hasn’t won a major in half a decade.  Nicklaus also put added Pressure on Tiger by saying that he better get to winning already for fuck’s sake.  This is big-time smack talk from Nicklaus…this ain’t fucking “support”!!!  And yet, all I read and heard regarding this quote was how Jack “is behind” Tiger.  Yeah, he’s behind him…by fucking him in the ass!!!  Yeeehhhaaaww!!  He’s got the big Golden Bear dick straight up Tiger and is calling him racially insensitive names while he’s doing it!!  Oh, I know what you’re doing, Nicklaus, you ruthless bastard!!  You’re sick, old man, with all your Tiger sodomy and then bragging about it to your Kountry Klub Klan about how you took the “chocolate man” down a peg or two and the sports media was to stupid to realize it!!!  I’m on to you, Nicklaus!!!!!

For the first time in school history, the former March Madness underdog sweethearts, the Gonzaga Bulldogs, are now the number one team in the nation.  And for the second time in my history, poop seems to be leaking from my dick-hole.

After getting a new deal from the Ravens worth 20 million bucks a year over six years, Baltimore QB Joe Flacco says he now feels “respected.”  Flacco then celebrated his lucrative contract by ordering a ten-piece box of Chicken McNuggets in a Maryland suburb.  That’s a shitload of contradictions, Joe.  You’re kinda like W. Axl Rose, singing about “Patience” onstage in St. Louis while simultaneously slapping the shit out of some fan.  You better not tangle with Tommy Hilfiger, Joe Flacco, ’cause it was reported that he kicked Axl’s ass.  And that ridiculous encounter has embarrassed us Guns ‘N’ Roses worshipers ever since.  You wouldn’t want to embarrass us, would you, Joe?  I hope not.  Say it ain’t so, Joe, say it ain’t so…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Dwyane Wade of the Heat who had 32 points, 10 assists and seven rebounds as Miami beat the T-Wolves- 97 to 81.  We get it already- the Heat are really good, and have really good players.  Enough, for shit’s sake.  Let’s talk about something else…like scientifically creating a new breed of squirrel that has a miniaturized human butt growing on his forehead.  Let’s talk about THAT.

We’ll see ya later, Dave Pound!!  The next Davey Mac Report will be on Thursday because tomorrow morning, the Dave Man has a big audition with MTV for a part on a show he most likely won’t get!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/5/13)