LeBron to the Knicks- “Sit down and shut and up!” (3/4/13)

 

It’s your March Fourth Davey Mac Report and LeBron James walked into Madison Square Garden yesterday and, on national TV, took a large shit on the Knicks logo at center court.  LeBron had 29 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists, 3 steals, and one blocked shot as the Heat took down New York- 99 to 93.  I would guess that you know that LeBron is a pretty good basketball player.  I would not guess that you know that as I am typing this, I have been putting Skittles in my dick-hole.  Cherry Skittles, specifically.  You also could not possibly know that I’ve been sending naked sketches of myself to Today show newswoman Natalie Morales; strategically sealing the envelopes with my own jizzum.  Furthermore, you definitely should not know that I sometimes light my toes on fire.

Meanwhile, LeBron is saying that he is “mulling” over Magic Johnson’s offer of one million dollars to LeBron for participating in the dunk contest.  Personally, I don’t think a million bucks is enough to lure LeBron.  I think you need to give him at least twenty million, plus a new car, and a high-class French prostitute, and an adult-sized tricycle that is made to look like the Millennium Falcon, and a twenty gallon drum of Astroglide personal lube; and a small midget to play with; and a handgun.  On second thought, I think those last five items are things that I would need to enter the dunk contest.  Never mind.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman visited North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un recently, and called him an “awesome guy”.  Rodman went on to say that he thought that Joseph Stalin “was a cool dude”, he liked “Hitler’s style”, Pol Pot “was, like, rad as shit”, and that Saddam Hussein “probably had a big dick.”

Yankees’ GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle after he jumped out of an airplane.  This is bad news for humans who very distinctly resemble ferrets.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Joe Flacco who, as we were writing this, just made a few million dollars.  If you haven’t heard, Flacco has signed the largest contract in NFL history (six years, $120 million).  Meanwhile, I just got my New Jersey Unemployment check- $317.50.  Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!

See you tomorry, homies!

- Dave (3/4/13)

Davey Mac and Stand-up: they go together like peanut butter and jizz!! (2/28/13)

Well, we fucking slayed them in our stand-up comedy debut at The Stand in New York City on Tuesday night.  We fucking murdered them.  They are dead now.  We probably will be arrested for multiple homicides after killing all of them with our jokes.  I mean, we tried an experiment where we read bad jokes from a paper in order to see if people would laugh…and they did…which means…well…we don’t know what it means.  But it sure was strange.  If you haven’t seen the video, we have two different ones (with different angles) in the Video Gallery on this site.  Don’t worry, if you’re wondering when the Davey Mac Report’s are coming back, we will tell you- next Monday.  That is when we are gonna return with a vengeance.  Anyway, thanks for all the support, homies!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/28/13)

East Side Davey Mac- Sucking it TONIGHT onstage at The Stand in NYC!! (2/26/13)

 

It’s you February Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and, quite frankly, I don’t have time for this shit!!  I just don’t!!  Don’t be upset with me!!  But I can’t be sitting here in my own cum and piss, typing out my innermost thoughts (like the time I tried putting a Fruit Roll-Up in a frog’s ass) while I have to write SHITTY material for my first stand-up performance tonight in New York City at The Stand.

I’ll be performing at the RiotCast.com Night of Comedy (along with some of the people above) and I plan to KILL!!  Myself!!  After one of the worst sets in comedy history!!  Expect no lack of sexist Star Wars jokes…in fact…expect ONLY sexist Star Wars jokes and plenty of lines that have NO punch to them!!  But at least you can drink at the venue!!  That’s a positive!!

Thus, I have no time to work on the greatest sports observations in the land (like, “I bet Pete Rose has a sausage cock”…and “I’d like to see Shaq squeeze a Kuala bear’s head until it explodes”…and “I bet Larry Bird farts a lot”…).  And I have no time to write down my eloquent feelings about entertainment and politics (for example- “I wish John and Bobby Kennedy would come back to life and DP Rihanna”).

It’s time for me to get to workin’, dawg!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (2/26/13)

Oscar The Pirate says: “Arrrrrrrr!!! Go-o-o-o-o-o!!!!” (2/25/13)

 

It’s your February Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Report and the Oscar for BEST PICTURE goes to…

…Argo?  Seriously?  Don’t get me wrong, I saw the movie, and liked it for that matter, but being named the BEST of the year?  I don’t think so.  I found Argo to be a little cutesy at times, and too much in love with itself.  It was as if while the film was rolling, everyone involved in making Argo was farting with pride and smelling each other’s fingers because they knew they had made a good movie.  But hey, who am I to differ with the Academy?  Except when they gave the Oscar to The English Patient over Fargo…or Titanic over L.A. Confidential…or Dances With Wolves over fucking Goodfellas…fucking cunty Shakespeare In Love over Saving Private Ryan…or “fat-and-skinny-sluts singing” aka Chicago over Gangs of New York…or Crash over fucking ANYTHING!!!  What say you, Academy?!?!  You sons of bitches!!!  You take those golden statues and shove them straight up your asses, and then remove ‘em from said asses, lick the statues like they’re lollipops, shove ‘em back in the asses, and REPEAT!!!  I’ll get you for this, Academy, if it’s the last fucking thing I do!!!!

What else can you say about Ben Affleck, the director of Argo.  He basically has turned around and shit on all of the people who gave the credit to Matt Damon for writing Good Will Hunting.  The fact that O’Bannion has a Best Picture Oscar and Damon was recently in We Bought A Zoo tips the scales firmly in Affleck’s favor.  Of course, the last time Ben won an Oscar, he went on a nine-year binge of SHITTY movies and appearances at Fenway for Red Sox batting practice.  Thus, expect Affleck to star in the following questionable films:

* Space Monkeys

* Fart Time: The Movie

* Armageddon 2

* Space Mice

* Butts Are Bigger When Ripe

* Dude, Where’s My Dildo?

* Chocolate Poo/Vanilla Pee

* C.R.A.P.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the Oscar for Best Actor.  Deservedly so.  I really did feel like I was watching Abraham Lincoln walking around, telling high-pitched stories, scratching his head a lot like some bipolar sufferer with lice, thinking to himself “I wish I could just take a shovel and slam Mary Todd over the fucking head with it already to shut that Godforsaken fucking mouth of hers”, staring longingly at Union soldiers’ cock areas, and being an overall weird son of a bitch in general.  Congrats, Daniel!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Jimmie Johnson, who won the Daytona 500 yesterday.  #WhoFuckingCares

Later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (2/25/13)

Kobe Bryant: “I guarantee we’ll make the playoffs!” Me: “Hahahahahahaha!” (2/22/13)

 

It’s your February Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and, according to my sources in the headline, Kobe Bryant has guaranteed that the Lakers will make the playoffs.  This year, Kobe?  Are you saying that the Lakers are gonna make the playoffs THIS year?!  Oh, you funny, Kobe!!  You about as funny as the time I drunkenly super-glued my dick to the Christmas tree in front of my horrified in-laws!!  You about as funny, Kobe, as the time Dr. J pretended to be a REAL surgeon and six of his “patients” ended up dying on the operating table!!  Kobe, you about as funny as the time when ventriloquist-comedian Jeff Dunham stabbed two of his puppets on stage because he found out that they were having an affair!!  You fuckin’ FUNNY, Kobe!!

The man they call “Blade Runner”, former Olympian and legless runner Oscar Pistorius, has been granted bail (after being charged with murdering his girlfriend) because the judge says that he “is not a flight risk.”  No shit, your honor- the guy has no fucking legs!!!  Not only is this killing freak not a flight risk, he’s hardly a fucking crawling risk!!!  Shit, this guy ain’t even a fucking hopscotch risk!!!  Jizzies, this creep isn’t even a fuckin’ pogo stick risk!!!  Fuckels, this weirdo isn’t even a fucking Karate Kid Crane Kick risk, your fuckin’ honor!!!  Shiiiiiiiittt!!

By the way, I think someone is trying to Catfish me.  I got a message on Facebook from some broad named “Lacey” asking me to send her my “phone digits”.  I replied by saying that “I think you have me confused with Manti Te’o, Lacey.”  Still, the more I thought about it, the more I think I should have went along with the Catfish scenario.  Then, I could get lots of press when it turned out that “Lacey” was a big fat man from Canada named Harold.  Also, if I was Catfished, I could finally appear on the Dr. Phil Show like I’ve always wanted…oh well…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to people who dress up as mascots.  Those crazy fuckers make the game better, in my opinion.  Especially when they are on a basketball court, dancing like idiots, and they get pelted by a cup of ice by an intoxicated gentleman named Dave McDonald.  Here’s to you, mascots.

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  Adios!!

-Dave (2/22/13)

In lieu of today’s Sports Report... (2/21/13)

 

…we shall discuss some other topics.  Why, you ask.  Because not a ton happened last night in the sports world, and also I have a case of the shitties like you wouldn’t believe.  Maybe it was something I ate…I should probably not devour rancid meat at 3 o’clock in the morning, but what can I say, I was high as shit, dogsies, and I hate wasting food.

Anyway, do you see that puppet up there?  He’s brand new.  My wife gave him to me.  I’ve named him Floyd because he kind of reminds me of a 1970′s version of Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.  Why I didn’t name him Nick or Mason is just one of those mysteries that can only be explained by a 35-year-old red-headed man naming his puppets while on mushrooms.

Is this coming off Larry King-like?  He has those weird, rambling articles in USA Today and sometimes I feel that while he is at his type-writer, putting down his demented thoughts on paper, that Larry is having some kind of old man seizure that prevents him from making sense.  I’d like to take Larry out to lunch one day and then skip out on the bill.  Face, Larry, you got suckered again.

The MLB Network has this new reality show, called The Next Knuckler, where former Red Sock Tim Wakefield tries to teach former quarterbacks (most of them from the collegiate level) the knuckle ball.  Included as a contestant is Doug Flutie.  I’ve watched three episodes thus far and my main thought is- “I wish that my dick was two inches larger.”  Not that that has anything to do with the show…my mind just races like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys when I’m watching reality TV with no underwear on.

Not only does my dog snore, but she farts, too.  It’s like living with a Pomeranian Homer Simpson, only not as intelligent.  Dogs are great…when they’re not biting your ankle because you scolded at them for “being a loser and not having a job.”  Bitch.

When I was little I used to think that Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.  I’m sure many kids made this same mistake…the problem is…I believed that a cartoon bear caught for the Yanks until I was 32.  I need to stop doing Whip-Its.

Idea: on the success of Dr. Dre’s Beats head-phones, I’d like to design a pair of ear buds that look like little fingers.  So when you’re listening to music, it looks like you are sticking fingers in your ears.  I came up with this invention while on acid, by the way.

I’m gonna go now…I feel faint…maybe because all that I’ve eaten today has been two viles of my own semen.

See ya later, Dave Pound!  Make sure you hear last night’s Davey Mac Sports Program!  NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/21/13)

God to deceased Lakers owner- “Oh, hellooo, Jerry…” (2/20/13)

 

It’s your February Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and long-time Lakers owner Jerry Buss has died at the age of 80.  Under Buss’ reign, the Lakers won ten championships and produced a shitload of Hall of Famer’s.  Also under Buss’ reign, Kurt Rambis and his creepy Warren Commission glasses averaged 5.2 points per game.  Plus, prominent Lakers Girl Paula Abdul danced with and I’m pretty sure had sexual intercourse with a cartoon cat.   And it was under Buss’ reign that Magic Johnson contracted AIDS…probably from the aforementioned cartoon cat.  In fact, it was under Buss’ reign that Shaquille O’Neal was forced to leave the team and then later ask Kobe Bryant how his “ass tastes.”  Kobe never did comment on how Shaq’s ass tastes…leaving us with one of the great sports mysteries/ass-tasting conundrums these drunk eyes have ever seen.  RIP, Jerry!

A police detective is corroborating the legless Olympian Oscar Pistorius’ story that he shot his girlfriend in their home because he thought she was an intruder.  Pistorius is being prosecuted for murder.  I’m very upset at this disturbing incident…mainly because Pistorius took his awesome nick-name of “Blade Runner” and shit all over it.  I mean, this is NOT something Harrison Ford would have done.  Sure, he called women “doll” and “your highness” and was slightly sexist with broads.  But Pistorius needs to ask himself, “Would Regarding Henry have shot an innocent woman?”  The answer to that important question is “No.  No, Regarding Henry would not have put bullets into a model.  After all, Regarding Henry was too busy painting pictures of Ritz crackers.”

The Jets made a huge salary dump yesterday, releasing the following players:

- Bart Scott

- Calvin Pace

- Eric Smith

- Josh Baker

- Mayor Quimby

- Classy Freddy Blassy

- the guy who dresses up as Rupaul

- Grimace

- Beetlejuice

- Jesus

- Pacman

- and this guy:

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to Number One-ranked Indiana, who beat #4 Michigan State last night, 72 to 68.  It’s good to see the Hoosiers back on top again.  Somewhere, Bobby Knight is celebrating this accomplishment by strangling a pre-teen and beating him with a chair.

See you tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE on USTREAM at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!  Go to the Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream for the shit!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/20/13)

Michael Jordan to LeBron- “Oh, yeah? Well, fuck YOU, dawg!” (2/15/13)

 

It’s your February Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and with all this LeBron James hysteria going around, Mr. Michael Jordan has a nice bucket of cold water for “The King”.  In an interview, Jordan said that he would take Kobe Bryant over LeBron because of Kobe’s five NBA titles to James’ one.  Jordan also went on to say- “When I was LeBron’s age, I had three rings already and NO weird, fucking head-bands hiding my rapidly balding head.  Hey, LeBron, we fucking know you’re losing your hair, enough with the head-bands already, you high-fore-headed freak!!  I mean, Jesus, it’s like I’m looking at a black Conehead over here!!!  Hey, everyone, look at the African-Alien light-bulb-face!!!  Hahahaha!!  Fuck off, Baldy!!!”

Speaking of Kobe, his Lakers got annihilated by L.A.’s best basketball team, the Clippers, last night- 125 to 101.  In fact, to start off the game, Blake Griffin scored ten points before the Lakers even sank one measly basket.  Chris Paul had 24 points and 13 assists.  The Lakers SUCK.  I don’t even like writing about them anymore…but I have to…because they still are a preeminent sports organization.  But they really do suck the ass of a retarded donkey.  Shit, I’d rather write about the time I took a ripe cantaloupe and slam-dunked it on the head of my fifth grade gym teacher, Mr. Clarkson.  It would be a cute story…except for the fact that the incident happened two years ago when I was 33 and drunk at a Shop Rite and the guy turned out to be, in fact, NOT Mr. Clarkson, but a police officer.  Oh well…

After saying that he’ll “always be a Red Sock” on Thursday, Kevin Youkilis now says he’s “proud to be a Yankee” (his current team).  Youkilis then flipped a coin in order to decide whether he was gonna rob the bank at Gotham City or leave it alone.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Micahel Jordan, who turns 50 years old on Sunday.  Congrats, Michael, I’d buy you a Blu Ray for a gift…but something tells me you probably own every Blu Ray of every movie ever made.  In fact, now that I think about it, could you send me a present?  Preferably, some money?  I’ll take twenty thousand dollars in cash…thanks, MJ!!!

See you guys Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  Arrivederci!!

-Dave (2/15/13)

Stop, or the paralympic sprinter will shoot! (2/14/13)

 

It’s your February Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and one of the main interest stories of the Olympics, South American runner Oscar Pistorius who qualified for and ran in the games while missing two legs, has now turned to shit.  Pistorius was arrested and charged with the murder of his very hot girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp.  It’s a shame for the chick that Pistorius’ trigger finger was also amputated!!  Booya!!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave:  Thank you! Thank you!  I mean, they should give this guy a gold medal…in murdering women!!  Blammo!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave: I know, right?!  It’s like, is this guy an Olympian…or a fucking assassin?!?!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave: Thank you!!  I’ll be here all week, you fucking assholes!!  Screw off!!!!

Audience:  ……………….

Sources in the Redskins camp are saying that Robert Griffin III could be back from his injury in time for the first game of the season.  That’s good.  The earlier RG3 comes back, the quicker he will get injured again by breaking his leg.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like Griffin…but he’s too small to be running around like a football-carrying road-runner to NOT get hurt.  I fear for RG3.  I also fear for anyone who makes a hat out of Twinkies and tells children to “eat his head.”  Do you hear me, Uncle Randall?!  You have to stop hanging around the park with that fucking Twinkie hat, you sick bastard!!!  And don’t let me see you wearing a Ring Ding hat, EITHER, you son of a bitch!!

Duke came from behind to beat rival North Carolina last night- 73 to 68.  I didn’t get to watch the game because it is Hollywood week on American Idol and the ladies were performing.  Oh, who am I kidding…I was trying to save face just there and I lied to you.  In fact, I watched the new Housewives of Beverly Hills.  OK, ok, fine…I watched a marathon of Jerseylicious.  I need help.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Burger King for giving me two Whopper’s today…and a mild case of the shitties as a result.  Fuck YOU, King!!

See you guys later!  Listen to this week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (Valentine’s Day Special) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (2/14/3)

LeBron James- “Fuck YOU, Michael Jordan!! You hear me?! Fuck YOU!!!” (2/13/13)

 

It’s your February Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and LeBron James has become the first player in NBA history to score 30 points while shooting over 60% from the field in six consecutive games.  Keep this in mind- this is something that Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird, Michael Fucking Jordan, etc. never accomplished.  That, my friends, is huge.  I haven’t seen a basketball player perform this well since Random Guy # 4 in Nintendo’s Double Dribble scored 112 points in back-to-back games against the L.A. Blue Penises.  And who could forget RG4 (as he was known) talking about his feat after the game: “I just fucked the shit out of those indigo dicks…which is kind of ironic…because usually its dicks that do the fucking…anyway, I’m feeling a little light-headed…probably because I’m only 8 bits.”

Speaking of Michael Jordan, number 23 is going to be fifty years old on Sunday.  That’s insane to think about.  It seemed like just yesterday that Jordan was winning Slam Dunk contests and posterizing (with a jump shot, no less) Craig Ehlo with game-winning shots.  These were the good old days.  When a young Davey Mac was innocent and carefree and pissing his bed nightly and once shitting in his pants during Thanksgiving dinner and getting hit in the head by a nun (Sister Cathy to be exact) with a Bible for saying “Jesus Christ” in vain and throwing up on a girl named Christina during the fifth grade dance.  Ah yes, the good old days…

I recently saw the famous Harlem Globetrotters Scooby Doo episode and something occurred to me- Shaggy, Scooby, and Globetrotter point guard Curly were three HUGE fucking cowards!!  I get Shaggy being afraid of everything- he obviously suffered from Stoner’s Paranoia.  And Scooby Doo?  Well, he was a fucking dog, after all…he was more than entitled to be scared of ghosts and shit.  But Curly?  He was supposed to be a world class athlete…why the shit was he such a pussy?!  Hey Curly, grow some balls AND hair and go fuck yourself, you damned chicken!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to Michigan State who beat Michigan last night in a huge, Big Ten matchup- 75 to 52.  This is one of those years where any Division One school can win the NCAA Tournament.  That’s why I’m predicting the March Madness champion to be Jizztown University…which is an accredited online college that I just created.  Suckers.

See you homies this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE!  Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for the broadcast!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/13/13)