Arrest Tide! (2/12/13)

 

It’s your February Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and four Alabama football players have been arrested; most notably freshman Eddie Williams, who kicked the shit out of some guy, had an unlicensed gun, and stole the victim’s credit card.  Then, he and three other guys on the team used the card to buy some stuff.  I’m happy to see any kind of fuck-up take place in Roll Tide Nation, mainly because any blemish on head coach Nick Saban’s “perfect resume” is a damned good thing.  Pardon my French, but that guy seems like an asshole.  A big, sweaty, asshole.  Pardon my German, too, but Saban seems like a dick.  A hard, throbbing, dick.  Excuse my Swahili but that man seems like a bit of a cunt.  A wet, hot, cunt.  Now, if you combine all of those characteristics, you would get a hard dick going into a wet cunt and finishing off in a sweaty asshole.  That, my friends, is football pornography, and I AIN’T gonna be a part if it…unless I get the distribution rights…and then I will most certainly like to be a part of pigskin porn and release my first feature- Super Ball XXX- Pussy Vs. Cock.

The NFL is talking about widening their field in order to make the players “safer”.  If this does happen, expect a regular season Packers-Saints game to end with the score 117 to 110.  This is ridiculous.  Don’t change the parameters of the damned field, for crying out loud, do something that makes sense…like changing the ball into a giant pink pillow.  And maybe make it one of those special pillows that doubles as a stuffed animal, so that when a player gets into the end zone, he can lay down with the “ball” and have a snuggle party with a cute little cuddle-toy as a reward for getting his team six points.  Also, if I were the NFL, I would put the players in Darth Vader costumes.  Not so much for their safety…but more because I feel it would look cool.  Thank you.

In an interview somewhere, former Chicago Bull and Duke star Jay Williams said that in his one season in Chicago, some players were smoking pot before the games.  Big deal.  I remember once before a court appearance, I dropped a SHIT-load of acid.  Needless to say, I did not win that case.  I should never represent myself when I’m on trial for doing LSD and shitting by the Slurpee machine in a 7-11.  The judge gave me one year.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the International Olympic Committee, who dropped wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games.  I was happy to see this because this now makes room for my favorite sport to be an official Olympic event- the Yo-Yo, Jizz, and Animal Choke triathlon.

See you later, homies!

-Dave 2/12/13

King James thwarts the L.A. Jesters! (Get it? We called the Lakers the “JESTERS”! Haha!! …yeah, we know…that headline sucked…) (2/11/13)

 

It’s your February Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and LeBron James and can play some damned basketball.  LeBron became just the third player in NBA history to score 30 points and shoot over 60% in five straight games (Moses Malone and Adrian Dantley are the other two), as the Heat stomped on the Lakers yesterday, 107 to 97.  This freak of nature is actually getting better and my predictions for LeBron in the near future are the following:

* Averaging a triple double for next season

* Winning two more consecutive NBA Championships

* Deciding to date Miss Hannah Minx of YouTube

* Discovering that Einstein was wrong and in fact E = MC to the third

* Going back and re-editing the original Star Wars so that Han Solo in fact pisses on Greedo and adding a scene where Luke and Leia have sexual intercourse on the Death Star

* Stating that birds did not evolve from dinosaurs…but rather, in an interesting development…that Dick Cheney evolved from a goblin

* In what he’s calling a “reverse Abraham Lincoln”, freeing all the white people

You know what I did not realize?  According to the Subway food chain, this month is Feb-ru-any.  I’m not entirely positive what this means, but I do know that Feb-ru-any commercials seem to be bombarding my fucking brain like D-Day machine gun fire when I’m trying to watch a live, sporting event.  And what is the “any”?  Can I walk in to a Subway and get a hand-job for five bucks?!  Because if that’s the case, I’ll take TWO!!!  I get it, Subway!!  This month is shittin’ Feb-ru-any…now leave me the fuck alone!!!

We got six inches of snow over the weekend, which means I stayed home (except for commuting into New York City for my wildly popular show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio).  When I remain holed up in my house for 72 hours, I actually love it.  Two main reasons: lots of sports-watching on TV…and TONS of masturbation.  If only I could combine the two.  Here’s a thought for NBA Commissioner David Stern- during half-time of a game, maybe show ten minutes of porn.  And not soft-core Skinemax bull shit either.  I want double-penetration, hand guns, and midgets involved.  Thank you.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented online shopping…for I just bought my wife Sixteen Candles on Blu Ray from Amazon.com.  Valentine’s Day shopping DONE.  Actually, now that I think about it, one measly movie might not suffice.  Alright, I’ll throw in another one….I hope she likes RAMBO III!!!!

Editor’s Note: Author of the article will most likely be sleeping outside on Feb. 14th…again

See you homies, tomorry!

-Dave (2/11/13)

Ryan Braun – “Oh, shitties!” (2/6/13)

 

It’s your February Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and former performance-enhancing drug suspect Ryan Braun has been linked to a clinic that is currently under investigation for specializing in PED’s (and is the same place that is tied to A-Rod, among other baseball stars).  There.  It’s out of the way.  Our mother-fucking daily sports-drug story.  Can we now go on to something else more pressing?  Like puppets.  Who else wants to fuck ‘em?  Come on, people.  Identities of readers of the Davey Mac Sports Report are kept strictly anonymous.  We will not publish your usernames or anything like that.  We just want you to raise your hands in front of your computers and/or smart phones right now if you’ve ever contemplating fucking/licking/sucking a puppet.  Come on.  You can trust us…

…well, you really are a bunch of creeps, aren’t you.  We are shocked at how many of you have such sick and twisted thoughts and, by the way, we lied to you.  We WILL be reporting your names to the authorities.  Good day.

NFL sources are saying that the Saints are close to hiring Rob Ryan as their new defensive coordinator.  Meanwhile, my sources are telling me that Rob Ryan is fat.  I have further sources that have informed me that I am not allowed back on the NJ Transit bus line after I urinated in my pants and onto the seat while I was passed out from a long night.  My final sources are inquiring if Hobbits have regular or Hobbit-sized penises but that is only because those sources are on mushrooms.

An artist for Pixar named Austin Madison made these unbelievably bad-assed drawings of NFL match-ups.  I strongly urge you to google his name and “NFL” and you’ll find the link to all of them (AFTER you’ve read the entire Sports Report, thank you).  But here is my personal favorite.  It’s the Bills Vs. the Jaguars:

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes the guy who invented naps, because I’m gonna take one right now.  See you tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE on Ustream!  Peace!

-Dave (2/6/13)

Super Bowl’s cause good people to pass out! (2/5/13)

 

It’s your February Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and after a prolonged blackout in the Superdome due to a power outage, and an even more prolonged blackout in the Davey Mac Dome due to Jack Daniels and Whip-It’s, baby, we are BACK!!!!  Needless to say, I have just woken up to realize that a.) it’s fucking Tuesday  b.) I’m not wearing pants  c.) I seem to have unfortunately gotten a Joe Flacco tattoo on a very private region and  d.) there is a white, crusty substance near my forehead that I shall NOT be investigating further.  What I do know, putting the pieces together, is that the Ravens won Super Bowl 47 over the 49′ers, 34 to 31.

Meanwhile, what can you say about Ray Lewis?  The man leaves the game a champion.  Well, yeah, you can say that…and you can also say that he probably covered up a double-homicide, but who the shit hasn’t?!?!  I mean, I’ve covered up at least FOUR double-homicides in my time!!  That’s nearly equal to an octo-homicide, I reckon!!  Yeeeeehhhaaawww!!  And the only thing sexier than an octo-homicide is a rootin’ tootin’ Octo-Mom, baby!!  Check these pics!!!  HOT!!  HOT!!  HOT!!!

Ravens QB Joe Flacco was named Super Bowl MVP after throwing for 287 yards, 3 TD’s and no interceptions in the game.  I guess he’s going to Disney World.  Maybe I’ll see him there.  And if I do, I’ll ask him if he wants to see the Country Bear Jamboree show.  If he declines, I’ll say, “That’s ok, Joe…maybe some other time.”  At least…that’s what I’ll tell him…but as soon as his back is turned, I’m gonna take a Disney World snow globe that I ridiculously overpaid for and slam it into his fucking head…knocking him the fuck out.  And when he wakes up…it’ll be just Davey Mac and Mr. MVP…watching the Country Bear Jamboree show on a fucking loop…while I have everyone at my beck-and-call at fucking gunpoint, daddy…yeah…it’s ALL planned out…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Baltimore’s versatile Jacoby Jones, who had a huge 56-yard TD reception late in the first half…and then a 108-yard kickoff return for a touchdown to start the second half.  Good job, Jacoby.  While you were dancing in the end zone following your second score, I was crying at the fact that you cost me 200 dollars you son of a bitch.  You’re fucking dead to me.  Sleep with one eye open, fuck-face.

Later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (2/5/13)

The Super Bowl is here! Let’s get fuuuuuuuuucked up! (2/1/13)

 

It’s your February First Davey Mac Sports Report and because I didn’t sleep last night and am on a lot of pills, and because my brain is still melting from some unknown medieval disease, and because I’m sitting in my dark garage with no shoes on and currently can’t feel my toes, and because I’m contemplating going over to my neighbor’s house and drowning his dog because the fucker will simply not shut the fuck up and there is no fucking reason to be barking, because of all that shit, this is a gonna be a brief Sports Report.

If Ray Lewis cried during the National Anthem of the AFC Championship, what will he do during the fucking Super Bowl?  My guess is Ray will grab 49′ers receiver Randy Moss and start eating him live on the air.

If I were to make a movie about the Harbaugh brothers, I’d cast the greatest pair of acting brothers in all the land- the London’s (Jason & Jeremy).

I expect Beyonce to deliver a powerful and sexy half-time performance.  I also expect her to bring out a special surprise guest who will in fact be this red-headed journalist who will not be wearing pants and will most likely be jerking off.

If I see ONE more God-Damned commercial with Betty White in it, I’m gonna drive to Hollywood and throw that old woman in the river.

If San Fran QB Colin Kaepernick wins the game MVP, he’ll be the first tattooed Most Valuable Player since Tommy Lee won the award in the 1984 Chlamydia Bowl.

Hopefully we have another exciting Super Bowl…if not…I’ll be more fucked up than Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

Prediction #1 :  49′ers – 27, Ravens – 24.  Prediction #2:  Dave 3, Pukes 7.

Have a great Super Bowl, Dave Pound!

- Dave (2/1/13)

Chris Culliver- I hate gay people…er, I mean…I LOVE gay people…I mean…oh fuck it… (1/31/13)

 

It’s your January Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and 49′ers cornerback Chris Culliver spoke up yesterday about gay people in the NFL: “Ain’t got no gay people on the team.  They gotta get up outta here if they do.  Can’t be with that sweet stuff.”  Then today, after talking with coach Jim Harbaugh, the confused Culliver has since apologized for his remarks.

This Culliver person does he realize that he plays his home games in fucking San Francisco, right?!?!  Does he understand that he’s in the fucking neighborhood of such legendary gay activists as Harvey Milk, Danny Tanner, Willie McCovey, Jerry Garcia, the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, and Huey Lewis?!?!  Each one of those individuals was gayer than the next!!!  San Francisco is the home of TOLERANCE, Chris Culliver.  Not SMALL-MINDEDNESS (that designation goes to the planet of Endor…but only because Ewoks literally do have small minds…their brains are reportedly a quarter of the size of a grown German Shepherd).  Fuck off, Culliver!!

After Brooklyn Nets forward Reggie Evans said that defending LeBron James is no different than defending fellow Nets Joe Johnson or Andray Blatche, LeBron proceeded to put 24 points on Evans’ head, grab nine rebounds, get seven assists, and keep Evans and his dumb fucking mouth scoreless in the game.  But in Evans’ defense, I can kind of see where he’s coming from in comparing LeBron to Joe Johnson and Andray Blatche.  I mean, all three players have two arms each after all.  Plus, I think NONE of them has a vagina.  Furthermore, I think EACH of them is a black man!!!  Hey, Reggie Evans, no one knows who you fucking are…shut the shit up!!!

I was watching Ali last night and seriously, the first ten minutes of that movie are fucking brilliant.  I’m saying to myself, “This is gonna be the best sports movie ever.”  And then the shit just drops out of it.  From Will Smith’s, quite frankly, somewhat-out-of-shape boxing potrayal and bad SNL sketch caricature of the great champion, to Jon Voight in the worst Howard Cosell costume I’ve ever seen since, well, John Turturro’s hideous Cosell costume in Monday Night Mayhem (another shit-fest of a sports flick).  It honestly was the worst Cosell make-up since I dressed up like Cosell for the “Fourth Annual Howard Cosell Bestiality Convention”.  For shame, Ali!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Phil Mickelson, who shot a 60 in the first round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open.  That’s an amazing score for a golfer in his forties.  On the other hand, what the fuck is the name of that competition?  The Waste Management Open?!?!   The PGA tour might as well schedule the fucking Chernobyl Disaster Invitational; or the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill Tournament?!?!  Get it together, PGA!!

See ya later, homies!!  This week’s Davey Mac Sports Program SUPER BOWL SPECIAL (online version) is now available!!  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the show!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/31/13)

Oh, A-Rod…you done it again! (1/30/13)

 

It’s your January Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and new allegations have surfaced that Alex Rodriguez is being investigated yet again for using performance-enhancing drugs from 2009 to 2012.  Holy fuck.  Rodriguez cheats at baseball worse than Al Capone did at taxes.  I am hoping for some sort of Geraldo Rivera special where he voyages into A-Rod’s vault.  What Geraldo would find there would be anyone’s guess…I’m thinking it would be lots of violet lip stick for A-Rod’s freakishly purple lips, probably some old Swank magazines (everyone’s vault has those), Derek Jeter voodoo dolls, black dildos (again, a standard item for most vaults), and some diaries with excepts such as “I really like when Cameron Diaz snowballs me.”

In a report being published by Sports Illustrated on Monday, SI claims that Ray Lewis was given deer-antler spray in order to come back from his torn triceps injury.  The deer juice or whatever the fuck it was apparently contained an ingredient that is on the NFL banned substance list.  So what…Ray Lewis is drinking deer blood…is this some kind of a surprise?  The guy was having a deranged breakdown BEFORE the AFC Championship  that rivaled only Captain Kurtz from Apocalypse Now in terms of sheer maniacal lunacy.  I was expecting Ray Lewis to put Tom Brady in a bamboo-forged cage at one point and have a cazy-assed photographer scream at him.  I think injecting deer saliva is the least of Ray Lewis’ problems.  The fact that he’s fucking CRAZY is probably more important.

Here’s why I have a hard time with soccer.  For what feels like the 87th time we’ve had to report a story like this, during a match in the Netherlands, black American Jozy Altidore was berated with monkey chants.  Seriously, what the fuck is with the monkey chants in soccer games, Europe?!?!  It’s not even fucking original!!  I mean, that’s like OLD SCHOOL, 1860′s racism!!  Damn, I would have expected that shit to exist in slave movies like Django Unchained…NOT in 21st century reality!!!  Fuck it, I’m gettin’ on the horn with President Obama ASAP and telling him about these horribly bigoted monkey chants…you Dutch fuckers better dig some holes and hop in them, because I GUARANTEE some fuckin’ U.S. military jets on their way to your rinky-dink country as we fuckin’ speak!!!  Bombs away!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to cows for providing me with not one, but TWO fine steaks that I’ve eaten today.  Thanks, bitches.

The Davey Mac Sports Program is LIVE this evening on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!  7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  We’ll see you there!!

-Dave (1/30/13)

Joe Flacco to New Jersey- FUCK YOU! (1/29/13)

 

It’s your January Twenty-Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco does not like the fact that next year’s Super Bowl will be played in MetLife Stadium in New Jersey (home of the Giants and Jets).  Flacco said to reporters yesterday: “I think it’s retarded. I probably shouldn’t say that. I think it’s stupid.”  Bam!!  Flacco calls the Garden State “retarded”!!!  Fortunately, representatives from New Jersey were available for comment: “How dare he say that!!  I mean, I’m not FULLY retarded!!!” – Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:  Oh yells YES, you retarded, baby doll!!

Snooki:  No I’m fuckin’ NOT, Mike!!

“The Situation”:  Oh yes you IZ!!!

Deena Cortese:  I just fawted!!!

“The Situation”:  You so retarded, cheeck-a-chop!!!

Snooki:  Can a girl get lice on her vagina?  I gots all these white things on my pussy!!!

“The Situation”:  RETARDED, bitchy-tichy-bips!!

Tiger Woods won a PGA golf tournament yesterday.  It was his 75th career title (seven behind all-time leader Sam Snead).  Good for Tiger.  And good for me.  Even though I have lost twenty pounds since Christmas, I still managed to eat two Big Macs and a hot fudge sundae today.  I’m pretty sure I have a tapeworm.  I think I’ll name my tapeworm “Tiggles”.  And we will be best friends…forever…that is…until Tiggles kills me in my sleep…then we will no longer be friends…

After the Rams reportedly hired Rob Ryan to be their new defensive coordinator, St. Louis has turned around and said that Ryan will NOT be a part of their team after all.  Damn!!  Fired a week after being “hired”?!  That’s worse than the time I was let go from my deli job only three hours into it, after I allegedly was caught putting jizz in the potato salad.  And to the person who ratted me out and turned me in, all I can say is, “Thanks A LOT, Mom!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my neurologist, Dr. Song, who is giving me the results of my MRI and EEG today.  Hey Doc, I just gave you this very prestigious award…now you better not fuck me over with some diagnosis that rhymes with train dancer!!!

See you homies later!!

-Dave (1/29/13)

Shit happens! (1/28/13)

 

It’s your January Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the good news, Celtics fans, is that your struggling team turned it around on Sunday to beat the Eastern Conference-leading Heat in double overtime.  The bad news, Celtics fans, is that your star point guard and arguably best player, Rajon Rondo, was discovered before the game to have a torn ACL and will likely be out for the rest of the year.  This comes only a week after the Patriots were butt-fucked by the Ravens in the AFC Champiohip, and a few months after one of the worst Red Sox seasons in recent memory.  Boston hasn’t had a rough stretch like this since Samuel Adams was caught bottling his own jizz and Paul Revere was arrested for Revolutionary Kiddie Porn.  Meanwhile, the band Boston was available for comment:  “We are so high right now…plus…one of us is actually dead…so we’re probably not the people you want to talk to about sports…but if you want to hear ‘More Than A Feeling’, we’re your guys!!!”

In tennis, Novak Djokovic won the first Grand Slam event this year by beating Andy Murray in the Australian Open finals.  It’s Djokovic’s third straight Australian title; and his sixth Grand Slam championship overall.  The guy can fucking play.  Having said that, I get distracted every time he is on TV…and I feel the sudden urge to play Mike Tyson’s Punchout…mainly because Djokovic looks exactly like Don Flamenco to me.  And let’s be honest…Don Flamenco fucking sucked.  I could beat him with one hand tied behind my back and my dog biting my dick.  Now Soda Popinski…now THAT was a fucking boxer, I tells ya!!  Anyone who could jab that quickly while clearly fucked up on some home-made Russian alcohol is a BEAST in my book!!!

In an interview in The New Republic, President Obama states that he questions the safety of football; and that if he had a son, he would think long and hard about allowing him to play.  The President further commented that if he did in fact have a son, he would possibly name him Indiana, not after the state, but after his favorite movie character of all time.  Obama continued to say that sometimes he dresses up in women’s clothing and pretends that he’s the character “Marion” from Raider of the Lost Ark and hopes that Harrison Ford would swoop in with his whip and give him a nice kiss on the lips.

Editor’s note: President Obama it seems did not say anything close to what was reported in those last two sentences.  Actually, we believe the author was writing out his own sick fantasies while under the influence of Ecstasy.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Lolo Jones, the former Olympic hurdler, who won a gold medal on Sunday in…bobsledding.  That’s weird.  It’s not as weird as recording your cat taking a shit on your napping grandfather’s head…but it is weird nonetheless.

Later, Dave Pound!  Don’t forget to listen this past weekend’s sensational episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  The show is available Monday in the Sirius XM ON DEMAND section!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/28/13)

Dwight Hates Kobe! Joanie Loves Chachi! (1/24/13)

 

It’s your January Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Lakers apparently despise each other.  In a team meeting before their game against the Grizzlies last night, Kobe Bryant accused Dwight Howard of hating Kobe.  It’s great that the once-proud Lakers organization has now devolved into Mean Girls.  And Dwight Howard is Lindsay Lohan.  Which means that Dwight Howard has big tits and likes to drive drunk a lot.  By the way, the Lakers lost to the Grizzlies, 106 to 93.  Whores.

The Jets are reportedly looking to trade their BEST player, defensive back Darrelle Revis.  In other news, the Jets suck harder than the British prostitute who I paid 10 shillings for in 1996 to give me a “blowy.”  In related news, the English whore had very few teeth.

A lawyer close to the Manti Te’o situation is saying that the entire time Te’o was talking on the phone to his “girlfriend”, he in fact was chatting with a MAN.  This shit is like The Crying Game.  Oh, who am I kidding…I never saw that movie…I apologize for trying to fool you.  I just never got around to seeing it.  That’s all…don’t hold a grudge against me for it!!  I DID, however, see the end of Ace Ventura!!  Einhorn is a MAN!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the NYPD for possibly finding the animals who stole my iPhone.  Thank you, officers!  As for the thieves- I’ll see you fuckers in HELL, baby!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!

Have a good day, homies!  Go listen to this week’s phenomenal episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program- NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/24/13)