Hot chick fucks Ray Lewis! Verbally, we mean! (1/22/13)

 

It’s your January Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and New England receiver Wes Welker’s good-looking wife, Anna, has some choice words regarding Ray Lewis.  In a Facebook post, Anna stated:

“Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay. What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

Bam!!  I wonder if this has anything to do with the Ravens demolishing Welker and the Patriots in the AFC Championship on Sunday.  Call me Sherlock, but I says YES!!  It hath quite a bit to do with that butt-fucking of a football game, Watson!!  This is the worst case of sour grapes this writer has seen since the movie Sour Grapes!!  Written by Larry David and starring that Wings guy!!  No…not THAT one!!  The OTHER one!!  Shitties!!!

In a move that sinks the Jets organization to ridiculous scumbag levels, team owner Woody Johnson implied to a GM candidate interviewing for the Jets job, that Tim Tebow was “forced” upon him…and the he never wanted the quarterback.  Johnson further implied that former GM Mike Tannenbaum was solely responsible for the Tebow debacle this season.  That’s nice, Woody.  Fire a guy and then shit-talk him once he’s out the door.  You’re fucking CLASS PERSONIFIED, dick-fuck!!!  Between Johnson and coach Rex Ryan, I don’t know of a group of shadier assholes since Bubbles and his boy Johnny stole aluminum to pay for their heroin on The Wire.  And you know what happened to Johnny, don’t ya, Woody?  He got AIDS!!!  Is that what you wanna get, Woody?!  AIDS?!?!  Well, in this journalist’s opinion, you’re gonna get AIDS, Woody!!  Fucking deal with it!!

The Lakers finished the first half of the season with a 95 to 83 loss to the Bulls last  night.  L.A. is now 17 and 24.  Let’s face it, the Lakers suck harder than my Aunt Jennie on a Meth bender.  The new head coach hasn’t worked out.  Dwight Howard is a pain in the ass.  Steve Nash has been hurt.  Even Randy Newman is down on the team, saying in a press conference, “I hate L.A.  I wish I could move to New York…where the winners are.  But they despise me there.  You call New Yorkers ‘monkeys’ in ONE God Damn song and everyone shits their pants!!!  Fuck my life!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Brooklyn Nets; who beat the Knicks last night, 88 to 85, thereby splitting the series in this season’s inaugural Battle of New York.  These games are fucking great.  Not as great as putting your dick in a tub of cream cheese and then fucking a bagel…but ALMOST as great as that.

Hasta manana, Dave Pound!

-Dave (1/22/13)

Super Bowls are better than Toilet Bowls but not as good as Fuck Bowls! (1/21/13)

 

It’s your January Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and we have our Super Bowl, ladies and gentlemen.  Ravens head coach John Harbaugh will meet his brother, 49′ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, in the greatest battle between siblings since Mario and Luigi fought in the notorious Hell In The Cell Match in Wrestlemania XVIII.  As you may recall, Luigi was tossed off of the top of the cell, and crashed to his death twenty feet below.  I know what you’re saying, “But since then Nintendo has put out TWO Mario Galaxy games that have Luigi in them.”  Well, don’t be fooled, friends.  Like an imposter Paul McCartney before him, that is a fake Luigi.  A lookalike…and fraud.  Both he AND Sir Paul have been buried next to each other in a cemetery in France.  I know what you’re also saying, “David, it seems like your writing today’s Sports Report under the influence of some kind of drug.”  And if you DID state that, you’d be wrong.  I am under the influence of MANY kinds of drugs right now.  Some prescribed.  Some not.  It’s fun to mix Flouxetine with low-grade acid and sit at your computer with no pants on…writing shit…and pouring warm jelly on privates.  You should try it sometime.

Anyway, the 49′ers beat a Falcons team that had a 17 to nothing lead in the first half (and 24 to 14 at half-time), by the final score of 28 – 24.  Can we now officially declare the city of Atlanta as the most over-hyped sports city of all time?  The Braves only won one World Series…the Hawks never get anywhere…and now the Falcons are OFFICIALLY choke-heads.  Fuck it, let’s just designate Atlanta the most over-hyped city in general!!!  Ludacris is entirely over-rated!!  Get out the way?!?!  How about, “Suck my dick!!!”  And Gone With The Wind couldn’t be a more boring movie!!!  Citizen Kane it is NOT!!  “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn”?!  More like “Frankly, Scarlet, suck my dick!!!”  Hey, Atlanta, FUCK YOU!!!

Meanwhile the Ravens bull-dozed Tom Brady and the Patriots in an impressive 28 to 13 victory.  I knew the Patriots were fucked once CBS cut to a shot of Ray Lewis during “The Star-Spangled Banner”, intensely and insanely crying like Cheswick after his cigarettes were taken away from him in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.  Ray Lewis is a sick man…and the only thing that intimidates other professional football players is SICK, disturbed, psychopathic men.  Tom Brady should have just given Ray his fucking cigarettes already!!!  Afterall, they’re HIS fucking cigarettes, Tom!!  And he clearly wants them!!!  Aw, fuck it.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Samuel L. Jackson.  I finally saw Django Unchained over the weekend and while ALL of the actors delivered great performances, for my money, Sam Jackson stole the fucking show!!  The winner of the DMPD receives an invitation to Dave’s house for a six-hour dinner where the winner MUST talk about Quentin Tarantino movies to Dave or the winner will be fed to wild animals.  Congrats, Samuel!

See you tomorrow, peeps!

-Dave (1/21/13)

Lance Armstrong comes clean on Oprah! Ewwwwwww!! (1/18/13)

 

It's your January Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and hopefully (please, Lord Jesus) we can put this entire Lance Armstrong narrative behind us and move onto more important sports stories like Pete Rose's incredibly shitty reality show on TLC.  Armstrong admitted to Oprah last night that he used performance-enhancing drugs and/or blood-doping in all seven of his Tour de France wins.  And thus, that is the end of the story of Lance Armstrong...American Fraud.  Now back to Pete Rose.  I mean, can you believe the gigantic fake tits on that fiance of his?  Also, why is Pete wearing old-timey gangster hats all the time?  Does he know that they make him look like a Dick Tracy villain?  If Pete Rose was a Dick Tracy villain, I think a good name for him would be "Gambles".  Or "Troll-Face".  Or maybe "Squashed-Head".  Or perhaps "Bad Hair".  Or possibly "No Morals".  I don't know...I'm just throwing shit at the wall here...literally...there's feces all over my office because of it...

The Manti Te'o story continues and the latest development is that even though he knew that his "dead girlfriend" never actually existed, he still referenced her in interviews AFTER he told Notre Dame officials on December 6th that he was the "victim" of a hoax.  This story just keeps getting stranger and stranger.  I'm pretty sure the next plot twist with Te'o will involve some place called Shutter Island, a hot dog, anal beads, naked pictures of Davey Mac, a drawing of Davey Mac and Manti Te'o tickling each other on the beach, sketches of Davey Mac lighting dead animals on fire, a painting of Dave spitting face-melting acid into Katie Couric's eyes, and a video of David kidnapping Michael J. Fox and forcing him at gunpoint to watch Teen Wolf while Dave jerks off.

Tiger Woods was hit with a two-shot penalty yesterday at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship for taking an improper drop and missed the cut as a result.  Tiger commented after his mishap:  "I should never have banged that Perkins waitress.  Mistresses one through six were pretty decent.  Some were borderline hot, and others were at least fuckable.  But then that fucking Perkins waitress came along and ruined everything.  What can I say...I'm a sucker for syrup..."

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented Pierre microwaveable hamburgers (my guess is it was a man named "Pierre").  My grill is broken and so I've had to resort to these clumps of shit-meat and you know what?  They're not that bad!!!  Especially when you're on mushrooms and drunk on tequila!!  Yeeehhaaaww!!

See you homies on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!  Have a great weekend!!

-Dave (1/18/13)

Manti Lie'o!!! (1/17/13)

 

It''s your January Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and by now I'm sure you've heard of the story about Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy candidate, Manti Te'o.  If you're unfamiliar with this INSANE, crazy-as-my-Uncle-Buddy-on-a-sleep-deprived-speed-binge situation, Te'o reportedly made up his "girlfriend" who died in the fall of leukemia.  The broad apparently never existed.  This means that Manti Te'o (who is claiming that he somehow is the victim in this hoax) is either one of the biggest scumbags in sports history (below Ty Cobb and O.J. Simpson but definitely above Pete Rose) OR Te'o is Tyler Fucking Durden bat-shit INSANE.  To make up a girlfriend...who got into a car crash...and then died of leukemia...wow...that is fucked up.  I mean, sure I once invented an imaginary man named Herbert Steubens who I said fondled my dick when I was passed out on the bus going from NYC to Jersey.  But dammit, I was trying to fraudulently sue someone and get MONEY!!!  I wasn't just looking for some weird attention that Te'o was supposedly seeking.  That's just fucking nuts!!  And yes, when I was ten, I had an invisible friend named "Tony" who lived in my mouth and made me write shit backwards on the mirror with my mom's lipstick.  But YOU should have tried living in that gigantic fucking hotel with nothing but your Big Wheels!!  It wasn't easy, I tells ya!!!

Chip Kelly has announced that he will indeed leave Oregon to become the new head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.  I don't know if he will be as successful in the NFL, but I do think that you can't have more of an American/gee willikers name than "Chip Kelly".  Where was this guy born, in fucking Pleasantville?!  Was he friends with Eddie Haskell; getting drunk and putting Roofies in Mrs. Cleaver's gin and tonic in order to give some proper 1950's forced-sodomy?!  Shit!!

Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his 2000 Olympic Bronze medal for doping.  His interview where he supposedly confesses his usage of performance-enhancing drugs is tonight on the Oprah Winfrey Network.  Meanwhile, on the Dave McDonald Network, I will have special guest Rip Taylor confess that he was on methamphetamines when he choked a nine-year-old with a bag of confetti.  Tune in!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to LeBron James who, at 28 years old, is the youngest player of all time to score 20,000 points.  Meanwhile, I'd also like to give a special shout out to Lil' Penny who, at twenty years old, is the oldest puppet to successfully undergo a puppet kidney transplant!!  Congrats, Lil' Penny!!

See you guys later!!  I have to get an EEG on Friday because my brain feels like Ewoks are eating it...so there may not be a SPorts Report.  Make sure you download this week's spectacular Davey Mac Sports Program (online version); NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  And listen to the XL version of the show, LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on The Opie & Anthony Channel, 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/17/13)

-Dave

Dickstrong (1/16/13)

 

It’s your January Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Lance Armstrong, you are bit of a dickbag, aren’t you?  Strike that.  You are a REAL dickbag.  After a decade of denying that he did performance-enhancing drugs, Armstrong finally admitted that he did PED’s in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that will air Thursday.  In addition to the years of lying, Armstrong also apparently threatened his team-mates and members of his staff to not expose him, and even bullied other riders to do drugs simply because he was on them.  And they weren’t even fun drugs.  I mean, if Armstrong put pressure on his team to do LSD before the Tour de France, then I would be in his corner.  I can think of nothing more fun than riding your bicycle on some mountain in southern France, tripping face, when all of a sudden you see an Orange Dildo Monster who wants to eat you.  To avoid being gobbled by the Giant Cock, you have to slow down on your bike, and drink some water.  But all of a sudden, you realize that you slowed down so much, that you are no longer in the race.  In fact, you are in some dirty arcade in Newark, New Jersey.  Furthermore, you are drinking your own urine.  You know, it’s not legal do be in a public place, sipping piss with no pants on next to the The Simpsons video game machine while on acid.  You are now in trouble with the law.  Teedle-do!!!

Meanwhile, I think the thing I hate most is that he made his confession to Oprah.  Fucking Oprah?!  That’s bull shit, Lance.  If you wanted to come clean, you should have done it on the Davey Mac Sports Program…either the iTunes version of the show or the Sirius XM Satellite Radio version…or both!!  Or fuck it, you should have come over to my house and we could have played Nintendo Wii and tickled each other!!  And I could have fed you lunch and hog-tied you for one of my Video Gallery movies and would make a little sketch called “Lance Armstrong Is Hog-Tied And Having Combos Stuffed In His Ass Against His Will”.  That thing would have gone fucking VIRAL, Lance!!  You blew it!!!

Hey, I don’t really give a fuck that the guy cheated.  Nor do I give a flying fuck about the sport of cycling.  But for crying out loud, will someone tell me where I can get one of those awesome yellow shirts that Armstrong wears?  That is one fine-assed bright shirt!!  I feel like I could walk around and pretend that I’m the Sun…or maybe a flamboyant, human Pac Man!!  And I would sing that “Yellow” song by Coldplay and probably get mud thrown at me by wild teen-agers who think that I’m some sort of overly-happy sex offender (which I’m not).  Get me that fucking shitty yellow shirt, Lance, OR ELSE!!!

I gotta get outta here!!  I still have the flu and I think some brownish, chunky liquid just went down my leg and onto my sock.  It’s kinda like the famous Curt Schilling sock.  Only his sock had blood on it from an injury.  And my sock is clearly stained with diarrhea.  Peace!!

See you tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!!

-Dave (1/16/13)

The Sports Report is out of commission until my damned flu subsides!!! (1/14/13)

 

Hello, my friends and neighbors.  The Davey Mac Sports Report is taking an indefinite break until:  a.) I get rid of this God-awful flu given to me as karma because of the time I spit on an old woman at the bus stop  b.) I get my life in order after several difficult situations have risen including a problem with my dick leaking some sort of purple liquid  c.) I stop farting a horrible gaseous substance that I’m pretty sure has paralyzed my dog  d.) all of the above!  But fear not, as soon as I get over this sickness that I’m now referring to as “Ebola Rectum AIDS”, we’ll be back with the greatest series of online articles since Matt Drudge’s “Bronson Pinchot touched Larry Appleton’s butt” expose’s!!  See ya!!

See you later, Dave Pound!!!

-Dave (1/14/13)

RG3 ACL MRI TBA and FUCK that’s too many abbreviations!! My brain hurts!! (1/9/13)

It’s your January Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Robert Griffin III must undergo total reconstructive knee surgery for a torn LCL and ACL.  OK, I’m not exactly sure what ACL means, but I know that it has something to do with ligaments…and that to tear one is bad.  Shit, I ain’t no doctor, but maybe Griffin shouldn’t have played against the Seahawks afterall…I don’t know…I don’t know much of anything anymore…I don’t know how to light a cigarette without setting myself on fire…I don’t know how to swing a stick at a pinata without accidentally having sex with a barn animal…I don’t know how to pick up a fork without shooting cum onto my neighbor’s front door because his fucking garbage blows into my yard…I just don’t know…

Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb, has gained over two hundred THOUSAND followers on Twitter (@_KatherineWebb) since Brent Musburger fawned over Webb during the broadcast of Monday night’s Alabama-Notre Dame game.  Though he’s been criticized for being “creepy”, I don’t think what Musburger said was over the line.  He just called her a “beautiful woman” and grunted two or three times.  No big deal.  My problem has more to do with how spineless ESPN is, who felt it necessary to issue an apology for Musburger.  ESPN stated, “We apologize that the commentary in this instance went too far and Brent understands that.”  Hey, man up, ESPN!!  If you show a hot chick on TV, what is ol’ Brent supposed to say, “Boy, I’d rather fuck a small boy than that tall model in the stands”?!  And by the way, ESPN, I happened to be watching the game with fellow broadcaster Al Michaels, who had this to say about Webb- “…And there’s A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb.  Boy, would I like to put my penis on her forehead and make her into a sex unicorn.  I mean, geez, that is one fuckable mouth that I wouldn’t mind putting my testicles in while I twirled them around, pretending that they were kinky lottery balls.  All I’m saying is, whoa, I sure would like to take a razor and cut her tits off and put them on my shelf with all the other tits that I’ve cut off these past thirty years.”  Fucking PRIORITIZE, ESPN!!!

ESPN’s Hannah Storm has returned after a horrible grill accident that nearly blew up her face.  My God, Hannah, you are one tough woman!  When I get a paper cut on my dick I call out of work for two months!!  I mean, when I stick my dick in a boat propeller to scare the kids on Halloween, I don’t return to work until Christmas!!  Heaven’s to Betsy, when I let my dick get chewed on by deranged death row inmates and post the video to YouTube, I don’t go back to work until the emotional scarring has somewhat healed!!  You are a fucking HERO, Hannah Storm!!  If you have any free time, would you like to put my dick in a mini-guillotine and chop it off, live on Sportscenter?  I’ll await your answer…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Phil Jackson, who has to be laughing his old, crippled, freakishly tall ass all the way to the shitter after the Lakers lost yet another game last night.  L.A. is now 15 and 19 for the year and just plain suck.  Just like the Emperor, Phil Jackson always gets the last laugh…that is…until he’s thrown down some strange space shaft on the second Death Star that led to God-knows-where and when he gets to the bottom of said shaft he explodes in ball of lightning…

…but until then, Phil Jackson always gets the last fucking laugh!!

See ya tomorrow, Dave Pound!!  AND, we’ll see you THIS EVENING on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 PM in the West, for the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version)!  LIVE!!  With special guest- legendary Texan singer-songwriter, Ray Wylie Hubbard!!  Later!!

-Dave (1/9/13)

Alabama makes Notre Dame look like a bunch of hunchbacks! A bunch of non-football playing, spazmatic, uncoordinated fucking hunchbacks! (1/8/13)

 

It’s your January Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report, and shit man, I (a Notre Dame fan) waited a month and a fucking half for THAT shit last night?!  The Irish were annihilated by Alabama, 42 to 14, in a spanking that not even Jack Torrance could have administered to that little brat, Danny.  I mean, let’s be honest, halfway through The Shining each one of us is rooting for Nicholson to chop up Danny into pieces and make him into a milkshake.  The kid talks to himself, he steals his mom’s lipstick, and he hides in cabinets specifically designed for cookware…I say he’s a tiny fucking thief and possible schizophrenic and, quite frankly, feel that Jack would be doing the world a favor by turning this small weirdo into a salad!!!  FUCK Danny!!  And FUCK Alabama for ruining my life!!!

In non-spirit-crushing football news, the Celtics beat the Knicks- 102 to 96.  But the big story was that Carmelo Anthony banged on Boston’s locker room door, angrily yelling at Kevin Garnett (the two had gotten into an altercation during the game).  Then, Carmelo went out to the Celtics’ bus, where he continued to wait for Garnett.  No blows were thrown, as Madison Square Garden security and NYPD officers were there to calm Anthony down.  Damn! Carmelo Anthony is one PISSED off dude!!  You need to RELAX, Carmelo!!  You should do what I do when I am mad…I take out my meditation mat…and beat the first armless man I can find with it…then, I take deep breaths…and kick an old person as hard as I possibly can in the shins…next, I take out my “Soothing Sounds of the Ocean” CD…and choke a small animal to death with it.  Works every time!

Sources are saying that Redskins QB Robert Griffin III has suffered a partially torn ligament in his right knee and that he will undergo more testing for further damage.  Some people are blaming Skins coach Mike Shanahan for playing a clearly hurt Griffin.  But not me, daddy.  I don’t know how you tell a football player with a big heart, one that has led his team all year, that he can’t play in the playoffs.  I don’t know how you tell RG3 that he can’t at least try.  Heck, I don’t know how you tell a two-year-old not to steal a car…’cause they just look so damned cute when they’re driving away!!  I mean, I don’t know how you tell your dad you farted on his head while he was taking a nap…it’s just not something one wants to admit!!  What I’m saying is, I don’t know how you tell your landlord that you “accidentally” blew up your/his house!!  Honey, we have to get a moving van…NOW!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the creator(s) of the H2 show, Ancient Aliens.  Thankfully, this insane programming exists; because as my Fighting Irish were getting slaughtered by the Tide, I was able to turn the game off and escape to a world of crazy-haired theorists, pot talk, and general fucked-up-edness.  Thank you, Ancient Aliens!

See ya later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (1/8/13)

The big game is TONIGHT! Number One Vs. Number Two! Ewww! That sort of makes it sound like Pee Vs. Poo!! Ewwwww!!! (1/7/13)

 

It’s your January Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and after what feels like years and years of waiting and pacing and fuckin’ around and stickin’ our dicks in large bowls of apple sauce and seeing how many billiards balls can fit up our asses, the Notre Dame-Alabama BCS Championship Game is FINALLY here, dogsies.  Well, it’s about fucking time!!  I’ve grown a son-of-a-bitching beard since both teams last played in a galaxy a long time ago, far far away!!  Shit, I can’t even remember Notre Dame’s last opponent!!  I think it was against the Hoth University Wampa’s but then again, I’ve been mixing various kinds of “legal” medication and my head is fucking KILLING me!!  Anyway, good luck to both teams; you’re both solid schools…but you in no way compare to the Dagobah State College Giant Swamp Slugs!!!  GO DSC!!!

But hey, we also had four NFL playoff games over the weekend!  The Redskins lost a tough one to the Seahawks yesterday, 24 to 14.  Washington had been up 14 to nothing when the offense fell apart amid Robert Griffin III getting fucked by a Seattle defense harder than that hobbit slut barmaid got it from Samwise when he returned from Mordor.  RG3 ultimately had to leave the game when he and his 1988 Whoopi Goldberg hairdo were injured.  As for Seattle, they haven’t been this happy since Kurt Cobain chopped Axl Rose’s head off at the 1992 MTV Music Awards.  Boom!

After announcing that this post-season will be the final football game(s) of his career, Ray Lewis led the Ravens to a 24 to 9 stomping over the Colts.  After the game, Lewis did his famous dance routine for the final time before the fans of Baltimore.  It’s sort of weird that the NFL’s arguably most frightening man has a precious dance routine.  I mean, it’s a tad on the feminine side, no?  Kind of like when Roman soldiers used to fuck each other between battles, no?  Sort of like when Optimus Prime and Megatron used to blow one another, no?  A little like when the cast of Golden Girls would start some sick sex-chain with each other, no?  Kind of like when the Three Stooges would would get drunk and put toilet bowl bowl plungers up their asses, no?  It’s just weird, is all…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Packers’ Aaron Rodgers, who threw for 274 yards and a touchdown as Green Bay beat the Vikings on Saturday, 24 to 10.  I wonder if everywhere Rodgers goes he has to hear someone yelling at him, “Hey, Rodgers!  Discount Double Check!!” because of those fucking State Farm Insurance commercials he does.  If I had to deal with that every day, I’d slice my nipples off.  Heck, if I don’t get enough green lights when driving I often think of slicing my nipples off.  In fact, I just think that I want to slice my nipples off…maybe I should see a psychiatrist…

Adios, amigos!!  ‘Till tomorrow!!

-Dave (1/7/13)

Oregon beats Kansas State in the Who Fucking Cares Bowl! (1/4/12)

 

It’s your January Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Oregon easily defeated Kansas State last night, 35 to 17, and blah, blah, blah…honestly, who fucking cares about these bowl games.  It has become cliche to complain about the college bowl system and lack of NCAA tournament for football…but that is only because the cliche is fucking TRUE!!!  I’d rather watch a Facts Of Life marathon than ANY of these corporate, boring bowl games.  Shit, now that I think about it, I’d rather watch a Facts Of Life marathon than almost anything in general.  Especially the episode where Natalie and Tootie get all fucking drunk at a casino and lose all their money and have to get finger-cuffed by a basketball team in order to get back to Mrs. Garrett’s shitty school.  It was especially touching when Natalie revealed that she had been DP’d.  God bless Facts Of Life!!

And now for a story that we DO care about: Mr. Rex “Can I Possibly Get Any Creepier” Ryan.  The answer to his own, new nick-name- fuck yeah!!!  Ryan was spotted sunbathing shirtless in the Bahamas with a new tattoo…a new tattoo…that portrayed Ryan’s wife wearing nothing but a Mark Sanchez shirt.  Oh, yes, it’s true.

There are a MILLION things wrong with this but first of all, what happens when Rex gets fucking fired from the Jets?!  What happens if Rex has to bench Sanchez again?!  What happens if a fucking photographer should see Rex Ryan sunbathing, shirtless, on the beach and sporting a brand, new, HORRIBLE tattoo?!  For the answers to these questions, AND to the questions “Why does my shit taste like pez?”; “What happens when I stick my dick in a furnace?”; “Why do babies point and laugh at me?”…read my NEW book- “Dave’s Big Book of Bullshit”…in stores NOW!!!

There’s some other shit going on in sports but I’m still sick and need to get out of here.  So let’s quickly look at this weekend’s NFL Wild Card Playoff Match-ups!!  The Vikings take on the Packers.  Prediction- I’m gonna masturbate to that tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife not wearing pants.

Texans go against the Bengals.  Prediction- hey, don’t fucking judge me!!  She looks pretty good in the pic!!

The Colts play the Ravens.  Prediction- wait, if I jerk off to a girl tattoo…but it’s on a guy’s arm…does that mean I’ve just done some man-man-woman threesome?

Finally, the Seahawks face the Redskin.  Prediction- aw, who cares!  I’ve done worse!  Like the time I spanked it in a Toys ‘R’ Us while looking at the Josie & The Pussycats Lego collection!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  Peace!

-Dave (1/4/13)