Where in the world is Ryan Sandiego? What? The Bahamas? Well, that just ruined the fucking mystery, now didn’t it!! (1/3/13)

 

It’s your January Third Davey Mac Sports Report and rumors of Rex Ryan’s disappearance have finally concluded as we have learned that Rex is “vacationing” in the Bahamas.  This “vacation” comes after Ryan was nowhere to be “found” after Jets GM “Mike” Tannenbaum was fired on “Monday” and, “Jesus”, I’m really getting “carried” away with this fucking “quotes” “thing.”  I’m not sure “what” I’m even trying “to” insinuate anywa”y”.

…Sorry for that nonsense.  Anyway, the NFL’s most vocal coach was indeed befuddling as one would have expected Ryan to comment about his GM’s dismissal.  Then again, one must also realize that Rex Ryan and his owner, Woody Johnson, are two scumbags who should simply walk out onto their home field, dig a couple of holes next to Jimmy Hoffa, and disappear for the good of the civilized sports world.  At least, that’s what this journalist “thinks.”

And now for a random Don Mattingly-pissed-at-an-umpire gif:

In college football, #21 Louisville shocked the piss out of #3 Florida in the Horse-Shit-Corporate-Name-Here Sugar Bowl last night, 33 to 23.  I’m sorry, I know this may be old school, but I just can’t get into these bowls now that they have big sponsor names in front of them…the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, the Sears & Roebuck’s Dildo Bowl, the Fat Frank’s Fuck Bowl, the Leper’s Lice Bowl, the Cock Jim’s Dick Bowl, the Robot Ass Butt Bowl, the Jeff Goldblum Large Eye Bowl, the Bowl Bowl, and, of course, the Bowl Bowl Bowl Bowl.  Call me old-fashioned, but I hate these corporate bastards!!

Hey, you know what I almost forgot about?  Hockey!!  I would like to give you a score from one of the games from last night but, oh yes, the fucked-up sports association that is the National Hockey League is in their third fucking lockout/strike in 18 years!!!  Way to go, assholes!!  Your sport’s popularity is shrinking incredibly faster than Lily Tomlin because kids in Florida and Texas don’t exactly have access to frozen lakes; and yet you’re STILL alienating your fans by squabbling over millions?  Well, fuck my ass with a steel-spiked broom-handle that you made under the influence of LSD already!!!  Seriously!!  Fuck it, you greedy pigs!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim who won his 903rd game yesterday; passing legendary coach Bobby Knight for second place all time (Mike Krzyzewski is first).  Good for Boeheim with this achievement.  I guess Boeheim has officially survived that Sandusky Scandal Part II of his (Boeheim’s former assistant, Bernie Fine, was accused of molesting boys).  Said Boeheim of his accomplishment: “Looks like I did what Joe Paterno couldn’t do- keeping my job amid allegations that one of my coaches raped kids!!  Fuck YOU, Joe Pa!!  Eat it!!”

See you tonight, homies for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  LIVE on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/3/13)

Happy New Year! Now collect your shit and get the fuck out of here!!! (1/2/13)

 

It’s your January Second, Two-Thousand-and-THIRTEEN Davey Mac Sports Report and Happy New Year, Dave Pound!!  I hope your holidays went well and that you got mildly intoxicated and, unlike me, did not get into some legal problems with your neighbor for throwing a bowling ball through his window.  I also hope you’re having a much better season than the SEVEN coaches and four GM’s in the NFL who were thrown out on their asses from by their respective organizations.  And since no one except the 350,000 drunkards in Buffalo cares about the Bills (who let go of Chan Gailey); nor does anyone except the high school drama club and degenerates who jerk off to Shakespeare have any interest in someone named Romeo (as in Romeo Crennel, released from the chiefs), we will instead concentrate on the three most interesting firings.  And when we are done, we will go proclaim ourselves the Kings Of The New Year, which means we will be allowed to have sex with anyone born on January First, regardless of race, gender, species, being alive, etc., as long as they’re of legal age!!  Although, now that we think about it, our mom is born on January First, so strike that last sentence from the fucking record!!

First off- we have Lovie Smith of the Bears who, despite taking Chicago to the Super Bowl, was fired this year after going 10 and 6 (though the team finished their season at 3 and 5).  I would feel bad for the guy…except that his name is Lovie.  I mean, he might as well call himself Pussy Smith (which sounds like some kind of Indiana Jones soft-core porn parody one would see on Cinemax).  How can a guy in America’s most popular and most manly sport walk around calling himself LOVIE like he’s some British whore-nurse who sucks her patients off to save their lives?!  I’m sorry, but if I owned a team, I’d hire a coach named Dildo Brown before a guy named Lovie Smith!!!  So long, LOVIE!!!

Then we have Mr. Andy Reid of the Eagles.  Reid also led Philly to a Super Bowl and was their winning-est coach of all time.  But the team was a fucking train wreck this year.  And, let’s face it, the guy looks exactly like Wilfred Brimley these days.  It’s fucking scary.  Look at the two photos below.  I bet you won’t know who’s who.  I’ll give you a hint, the guy on the left coaches a man who electrocuted dogs, and the man on the right says “diabeetus” a lot.  Do you need another hint?  OK, I once saw the fellow on the left eating some oatmeal…meanwhile the dude on the right once grabbed my cock…wait…maybe it’s the other way around…see now I’M confused!!!  Damn!!!

Lastly, the man “in charge” of bringing Rex Ryan AND Tim Tebow to the Jets, former general manager Mike Tannenbaum, has been fired by the team’s owner Woody Johnson.  Why Ryan was not fired is beyond me.  Quite frankly, I’m assuming that Ryan and Johnson have some mutual, foot-fetish, toe-in-ass, blackmailing photos that they are probably using on each other.  As for Tannenbaum, he commented after his firing: “I’d tell you what I disliked about Rex Ryan but he’d probably eat me.  BAM!!!  As for my former owner, Woody Johnson, I’ve never seen a billionaire have such a bad case of Progeria Disease.  BOOM!!  Mike Tannenbaum- shock jock GM- OUT!!”

See ya later, dogsies!  The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) returns Thursday, January 3rd on Ustream at 7 Eastern; and posted on iTunes and RiotCast.com following the broadcast!!  Peace!!

-Dave (1/2/13)

It’s holiday time at the Davey Mac Sports Report! Yaaay! (12/24/12)

 

It’s your December Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and, being that it’s OFFICIALLY Christmas and New Year’s time; so we’d like to say Happy Holidays to all of you sons of bitches who visit EastSideDaveCountry.com, or listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program (both editions of the show, on Sirius XM Satellite Radio and iTunes), or watch my videos here and on YouTube (EastSideDaveVideos)!!  Thank you, everyone!!

It’s been a good year!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) was recently named BEST OF 2012 by the  iTunes Editorial Team, which was a HUGE honor!!  I got myself a talent agent whose help will likely get me an Academy Award nomination by 2013.  My morning show (Michele & Dave) that I co-host on WBJB 90.5 The Night in New Jersey, has gotten awesome fucking ratings!!!  Mainly due to my own animal-melting psychic brilliance!!  We’re on a fucking roll, daddy!!

Anyway, a lot of shit happened yesterday in football.  But here’s what you need to know.  The Seahawks are really fucking good as they kicked the piss out of the 49′ers yesterday.  Andrew Luck and the Colts clinched a spot in the playoffs with a victory over the Chiefs.  I just farted.  The Ravens won the AFC North by crushing the Giants.  Boy, I have REALLY bad gas.  Tim Tebow refused to play in the Wildcat formation on Sunday in the Jets/Chargers game because he was angry at being passed over for the start against San Diego.  I think I just shit a little.  The Redskins won again.  The Saints beat the Cowboys in overtime.  I definitely shit my pants.  Dammit.  The Packers annihilated the Titans.  How am I gonna clean these shit-pants before my wife sees them?  The Bears’ playoff hopes stayed alive with their win over the Cardinals.  Maybe I’ll wait until my wife goes out and I’ll bury the shit-pants in the backyard next to our dead parakeet.  The Bengals made the playoffs by beating the Steelers.  Man, I HATE always having to bury shit-pants in the backyard during Christmas.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy holiday!  The Sports Report will go on hiatus for a while!  But we’ll be back on Wednesday, January Second!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/24/12)

David Akers- threatened on the Twitter! David McDonald- threatened on the shitter! (12/21/12)

 

It’s your December Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and 49′ers kicker David Akers is the latest athlete in America to get threatened on a Social Network.  After having a rough season, a user named RIP_FreeLaddin tweeted:

“YOU FAGGOT IF YOU MISS ONE MORE FIELD GOAL YOU ABOUT TO GET YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ENDED”

Akers has now apparently disabled his Twitter account.  OK, first of all, this threat is disgusting.  Secondly, and I may be crazy, but I don’t think RIP FreeLaddin is this guy’s real name!!  I mean, how many “Rip’s” do YOU know?  Sure, I once got drunk and raped a horse with Rip Torn…but that’s just one guy.  Oh, and one time I did some mescaline with Rap Taylor and passed out in a petting zoo.  OK, that’s two Rip’s.  Big fucking deal.  Oh yeah, I forgot, my dad’s best friend’s name is Rip, and we once did some LSD and blew up his little brother’s train set.  So sue me!!

A special Davey Mac Hats Off to Wade Boggs, who was recently spotted at an Oklahoma City Thunder game…dancing…

Here’s a link to the video. I’m giving it to you on the trust that you will return to EastSideDaveCountry.com. Don’t make a fool out of me, you son of a bitch.

That’s some sweet fucking dancing, Wade.  You should have tried out for Saturday Night Fever.

In more strange news, three-time U.S. Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been found out to be working as a call girl this past year (below is a picture of Favor and two photos of her as “Kelly”, posted on her escort agency’s website).  As a moral sports journalist, I think this is WRONG.  I mean, a female who’s an elite athlete charging people for sex?  How dare she.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go give hand jobs to elderly men at the nursing home for a free turkey sandwich.  Good day.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Planet Earth.  Looks like you proved those dumb, fucking Mayans wrong once AGAIN!!  Great job, World!!!

See you guys later!!  Have an excellent weekend!!

-Dave (12/21/12)

Jets to their own quarterbacks: “Bye-bye, fuck-faces!” (12/20/12)

 

It’s your December Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Jets take the title of this year’s Sports Clusterfuck Champions.  Sources are saying that the team will look to trade (former) starting quarterback Mark Sanchez AND release backup QB Tim Tebow after the season.  I haven’t seen two prominent people disappear into thin air so quickly since my Uncle Keyser and his lawyer buddy Kobayashi left our Christmas dinner one night to, in their words, “handle some business.”  My Aunt Felicia gave them a little shit for skipping out on the main course (a slowly-cooked goose), and because of it, Uncle Keyser proceeded to shoot all of Aunt Felicia’s Christmas nick-nacks in the head.  Uncle Keyser then stopped limping for some reason (I chalked it up to a Christmas Miracle), and lit himself a cigarette with his “bad hand”, as he called it, but which clearly looked to work just fine to me.  Anyway, he said to me, “Merry Christmas, Detective Kujan,” (which is not my name) and like THAT…he’s gone.

The best team in Los Angeles, by far and away, is…

…your L.A. Fucking Clippers, dawg!!!  Hey Kobe, how does Chris Paul’s ass taste?!  The Clips have won eleven in a row and are 19 and 6 overall.  Somewhere Clippers fan Billy Crystal is doing little cartwheels live on television as he goes from channel to channel, show to show, plugging that God-awful-looking movie he’s doing with Bette Midler.  I believe it’s called Parental Guidance, and in one scene he wears a backwards hat and sunglasses and starts talking like a black man to identify with his white grandchildren.  Never has there been such an uncomfortable moment in pop culture since TV execs tried to put a dog named Poochie in the middle of an Itchy and Scratchy episode.

Meanwhile, the Thunder have also played excellent hoops, winning 12 straight games.  Last night, Oklahoma City superstar Kevin Durant scored 41 points, grabbed 13 rebounds, and blocked two shots.  That guy is fucking great.  And so is his motion-picture debut in the film Thunderstruck, where he switches bodies with a little white spaz who always wanted to be a good basketball player.  I’m telling you folks, I CRIED when watching this movie…but that was mainly because a dog was biting my dick.  In fact, I’m crying right now as I write this…but again…that’s because a dog is biting my dick…and I’m drunk.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Carmelo Anthony, who returned from injury to score 31 points in the Knicks’ 100 to 86 win over the Nets.  Carmelo had a fantastic game…I just wish he would switch bodies with a white boy in order to compete with Durant.  I have an idea- he does Durant one better and switches bodies with a little, retarded, white midget!!  Then, we’d be saying Academy Award-winner Carmelo Anthony!!  Bam!!

See ya, Dave Pound!!  And go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes now for the Davey Mac Sports Program Christmas And Other Random Holidays Spectacular!!  NOW available (for free)!!  The Davey Mac show- voted BEST SHOWS OF 2012 by iTunes!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/20/12)

Sanchez OUT! McElroy IN! Peppers & Onions IN! Painful poops OUT! (12/19/12)

 

It’s your December Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and it’s official- Mark Sanchez (the Jets’ eight million dollar quarterback) stinks and will be starting the game on the bench like a piece of poop floating in a toilet bowl, waiting to be flushed.  The Jets have announced that the high-priced/overpaid Sanchez will be sidelined for third-stringer Greg McElroy.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow (the rightful BACKUP QB) is reportedly as pissed as a retarded Ewok at not being given the starting job.  Tebow commented disappointedly: “I do everything for this fucking organization.  ‘Send Tebow off to do this.  Send Tebow off to do that.  Let Tebow take care of some Mickey Mouse Christian Retreat somewhere!  I’m the backup QB and I was STEPPED OVER!!”  Upon hearing the remarks, McElroy said: “It’s the way Rex wanted it.”  To which Tebow replied: “It’s not the way I wanted it!!!”  After the press conference, McElroy had Tebow shot in the head while Tebow was fishing and reciting a “Hail Mary”.

Meanwhile, following Sanchez’s dreadful performance on Monday Night Football, we have learned that the horrible quarterback was threatened on Twitter by a user named “Brave Grancru” who tweeted:

“DON’T COME TO PRACTICE WEDNESDAY I PROMISE YOU BULLETS EVERYWHERE…@Mark_Sanchez”.

He then followed that tweet with:  “SANCHEZ BETTER HAVE ARMED SECURITY AT PRACTICE !! YOU THINK IMMA SIT HERE & WATCH THIS BULLS— ??” 

Finally, this gentleman tweeted a photo of himself (in a Jets hat, by the way) with the caption:  “TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR KILLER !! WEDNESDAY NIGHT NIGHT…”  

Ouch!  I would say that this is shocking, but then again, it IS a Jets fan!!!  BAM!!!  I mean, that’s like being surprised that a Neo-Nazi Skinhead might not hold the door for a Jewish person!!!  BOOM!!  It’s like being taken off guard that Emmanuel Lewis would be the headliner of a Black Midgets From the ’80′s Convention (especially now that Gary Coleman is dead)!!!  THWAM!!   It’s like being amazed by Davey Mac farting in the face of a baby!!  FLURG!!!  J-E-T-S  F-A-N-S  =  A-S-S-H-O-L-E-S!  SPLAZZZ!!!

Speaking of Twitter, USA Today is reporting that LSU coach Les Miles is the most popular college football coach on Twitter with over 87,000 followers, some 6,000 more than Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly.  It’s good to see such a distinguished newspaper as USA Today concentrating on…oh, I don’t know…fucking BULLSHIT!!!  I mean what the hay kind of story is this?!  Next they’re gonna be telling me that Joe Torre is the most popular former baseball manager on Instagram!!!  Well you fucking LISTEN UP, USA Today!!  Unless you report that we can see nipple shots or cock pics of Joe Torre on Instragram, we SHAN’T pay attention to your tedious articles!!  Now, it we do get to see said photos, please email us at Didvod@gmail.com!!  Thank you!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  TONIGHT is our last ONLINE show of the year and we want YOU to join us!!  Hang out with Dave, Pepper, Sean O & Roy Shaffer for the Davey Mac Sports Program Christmas And Other Random Holidays Spectacular!!  LIVE!!  THIS EVENING on USTREAM!!  7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  See you guys there for some fucked up shit!!

-Dave (12/19/12)

Linsanity returns to New York! Promptly shits on Knicks! (12/18/12)

 

It’s your December Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Jeremy Lin returned to Madison Square Garden last night and led the Rockets to a 109 – 96 victory over the Knicks.  Lin had 22 points and 8 assists while getting cheered by the New York crowd.  I have to tell you, I miss Lin.  It’s not that the Knicks’ point guards have done a poor job this year.  In fact, both Jason Kidd and Raymond Felton have played well.  But you can’t make fun nick-names with them the way you can with Linsanity.  What are we supposed to do with Felton?!  Fel-ton-enal?!  See?!  You have no idea what I’m talking about!!!  I was trying to cross “Felton” and “phenomenal”!!!  But it didn’t make any fucking sense!!!  It was fucking confusing!!!  As for Kidd, what are we supposed to say- Kidd Rate?!  What I was attempting to do there was cross “Kidd” with “first-rate” but it came WAY too close to sounding like a name that Jerry Sandusky was convicted for!!!  You can’t fucking win!!!

The Jets lost any chance of making the playoffs yesterday with a 14 to 10 defeat against the Memphis Titans on Monday Night Football.  Mark Sanchez threw four interceptions in the game.  Sanchez stinks.  He stinks like a guy who hasn’t bathed in a while…resulting in him becoming dirty…and thus making him…”Dirty Sanchez”.  Sorry.  I know that was a long way to go for that one.  I guess I just really, REALLY miss the Linsanity word-play afterall.  Anyway, the Jets failed horribly this year:  the Tebow debacle.  The decline of Sanchez.  Rex Ryan jerking off on women’s shoe catalogs.  Fireman Ed getting sodomized by Policeman Pete.  Paul McCartney being so disgusted at the team that he released a statement saying: “I will never again play the song ‘Jet’ live.  Furthermore, I shall cut my own dick off and mail it to David Blaine.”  Yup, it’s been a TOUGH year for the Jets.

The NFL announced that Robert Griffin III’s jersey has sold more than any other player’s jersey in a single season since the league started keeping track of sales six years ago.  That’s more sales than Peyton Manning.  More than Tom Brady.  Even more than Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes!!  Even MORE jersey’s than Texas State’s Paul Blake OR Scott Bakula’s!!!  More than Bugs “Suspended For Steroids” Bunny’s jersey!!!  More than MY jersey from the Princeton Mental Health Facility For Unstable People’s Football Team!!!  That’s a LOT of fucking jersey’s!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Syracuse head basketball coach Jim Boeheim who won his 900th game last night in the Orange’s 72 to 68 victory over Detroit University.  Boeheim now becomes just the third coach in college hoops history to win 900 games; Mike Krzyzewski (936) and Bob Knight (902) are the other two.  Congratulations, Jim Boeheim, even if you do look like Benjamin Franklin…or at the very least…some creepy Ben Franklin impersonator who grabbed my Aunt Tonya’s ass when we visited Philadelphia.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (12/18/12)

Kaepernick outduels/pets Brady! (12/17/12)

 

It’s your December Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 49′ers beat the Patriots last night, 41 to 34, behind more solid play from San Francisco rookie QB, Colin Kaepernick, who threw 4 touchdowns.  After the game, Kaepernick found Tom Brady, and began creepily rubbing his head as if he were in a quarterback petting zoo (as captured in the photo above).  Kaepernick then fed some popcorn to Brady, who happily responded by wagging his tail.  Kapernick then waved goodbye to Brady; not realizing that once all the kids were gone, Brady had been scheduled to be slaughtered and cooked for breakfast.

The Giants were absolutely annihilated by the Falcons yesterday- 34 to nothing.  I watched the first two quarters before I turned it off.  I knew the game was over.  Instead, I turned on an Ancients Behaving Badly marathon on H2.  I don’t know if you are familiar with this show (or channel for the matter), but it’s fucking awesome.  You end up learning a tremendous amount of information.  For instance, it turns out that Caligula was very unstable!!!  Who woulda thunk it?!  I mean, I always thought a Roman emperor who fucked his sisters, murdered children, talked to animals as if they were people, and had schizophrenia was actually quite stable!!!  Well, I’ll fucking be!!!

Meanwhile the Redskins and Cowboys won; meaning that the Giants, Washington, and Dallas are in a tie for first in the NFC East with two games to play.  I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen with this division.  I honestly don’t have a clue.  I don’t know much in general.  I don’t know how to pronounce the word “hamburger”.  I don’t know what a cactus is.  I don’t know how to use a fork.  I don’t know who Thomas Jefferson was.  I don’t know how to blow my nose.  I don’t know what the spots on my dick are called.  I…just…don’t…know.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Vikings running back Adrian Peterson who ran for 212 yards and a touchdown as Minnesota beat the Rams, 36 to 22.  After having major knee surgery a year ago, Peterson is 294 yards (with two games to play) away from breaking the single-season rushing record (Eric Dickerson- 2,105).  I hope he gets it.  And I hope I get a house-dwarf for Christmas…I need someone new and challenging who I can play hide-n-seek with and also have massage my feet.  Thank you, Santa.

See you homies tomorrow!!

-Dave (12/17/12)

The Warriors beat the Heat…and the Rogues! (12/13/12)

 

It’s your December Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the surprise of the NBA this year, the Golden State Warriors, shocked the Miami Heat with a last-second 97 to 95 win on Miami’s floor; giving the Heat just their second home loss this season.  I must confess, I did not watch this game because the 12-12-12 Concert was on TV…and I was busy punching myself in the dick out of sheer euphoria from the collaboration between Roger Waters and Eddie Vedder for “Comfortably Numb”.  It was honestly was so good that, after multiple hits, I’m sure that I have caused chronic erectile dysfunction!!  Yeehhaaww!!!

Tom Watson has been named the 2014 Ryder Cup team captain.  At 63 years of age, he will become the oldest golfer to hold that position.  Good for Watson; he seems like a good guy.  Watson has always done things in a gentlemanly manner…whether it’s winning the U.S. Open, or getting yelled at by that asshole Sherlock Holmes, or using his computer-brain to win Jeopardy, or getting fucked by the guy who plays Ron Weasley…Watson is class-personified.

The Yankees’ future Hall of Fame closer, Mariano Rivera, who missed the vast majority of last season, has said that he will be ready to pitch on Opening Day.  I love Mariano.  Like Tom Watson, he is class personified.  Though I do not think he was ever fucked by Ron Weasley.  Anyway, I admire anyone who comes back from injury and performs well.  The player I was most in awe of was Bobby Ojeda of the Mets who had the tip of his left middle finger cut off in a bar in 1988…yet still came back in ’89 to pitch well.  Then, in 1990, he had his left leg severed while in a pub…but the next year he was back in uniform!  Finally, in 1992, Ojeda had his dick chopped off while in a speakeasy…he then won TWO games in ’93!!  Great job, Ojeda!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Paul McCartney, who jammed with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, and Pat Smear last night at the 12-12-12 Benefit Concert to create a sort of insane Beatles-Nirvana hybrid supergroup that blew my fucking head off.  If you or someone you know has seen my head, please call 1-888-Dave-Head.  Thank you.

See you later, Dave Pound!!  Enjoy a brand new episode of “The Best Show Ever”, the Davey Mac Sports Program, NOW available (for free) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Check it out!!

-Dave (12/13/12)

Battle of New York Episode II – The Lee Spikes Back (12/12/12)

 

It’s your December Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and these new “Battles of New York” games are, quite frankly, fucking great.  The first match-up earlier this season between the Knicks and Nets went to overtime and saw the Nets winning.  In this second contest, the game came right down to the wire before Jason Kidd of the Knicks hit a three-pointer to give Manhattan a 100 to 97 victory over Brooklyn.  After the game, Spike Lee (a Knicks loyalist) was heard gloating until Jay Z (part owner of the Nets) was seen popping several caps in Lee’s ass.  Jay Z then promised to dedicate his new single to the dead film director, shortly before allowing two rottweilers to eat Lee’s face while Beyonce pissed on him.  The NBA- it’s faaaaaaantastic!

Magic Johnson took another shot at the Lakers yesterday by saying that they are not using All-Star Pau Gasol correctly.  Magic stated: “I think (coach) Mike D’Antoni is half-retarded.  Seriously.  Why does he have Gasol on the free throw line when he is a low-post player.  Maybe he’s full-retarded.  I don’t know.  How does one check to see if someone is full or half-retarded?  Is there, like, a special Retard Kit that one can buy to find out the level of retard that a person is?  If there isn’t then, dammit, I know my next business enterprise: the FIRST EVER Magic Johnson What Kind Of Retard Are You Kit & Retard Detection Machine!!!  Only $19.95!!  Here’s how to order!!!”

Former NFL Commissioner and the arbitrator in the Saints Bounty Gate case, Paul Tagliabue, over-turned the suspensions of the players involved.  They are now eligible to play and yada, yada, fart, shit, poo, jizz…seriously, does ANYONE care about this story anymore?  It was news when it first happened almost a YEAR ago, but we’re done with it…just like we’re done with Gangnam Style, wiping our asses every time we go number two, looking animals in the eye, writing good checks, wearing clean clothes, being considerate to old people, and refraining from touching folks on the subway…we’re fucking DONE with all of it!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Bloomington South High School girls basketball team who beat their opponent, Arlington High School, 107 to fucking TWO!!!  You heard that right!!  Bloomington beat those slut-pigs Arlington by 105 fucking points!!  That, my friends, is a BLOW OUT.  And to the ladies of Arlington- I suggest giving up hoops and spending your time on doing something more productive…like stripping…as long as you’re of legal age, that is!!!

See you guys later!!

-Dave (12/12/12)