Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors! This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports! Thanks, homies!

The Panthers beat the Eagles on Monday Night Football! Analysts say at least six people watched the game! (11/27/12)

It’s your November Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and two of the more under-achieving teams this year, the Panthers and Eagles, played last night in the “We Suck Dicks Bowl”. Carolina won the game- 30 to 22. Coming into this season, people were viewing the Panthers as a definite playoff team and many pundits had Philly as a serious Super Bowl contender. However, both teams are 3 and fucking 8 this season. And now look at these analysts…with their heads squarely up their asses. Eating their own shit with their mouths…because that’s all you have to eat when your head is in your ass. You certainly can’t fit a refrigerator in your ass. Nor can you put a cooler with a couple of sandwiches in there. Nope. All you have is the shit. And you have to eat it, digest it, recycle the shit back into your ass, and then eat it again. Plus, when your head is in your ass, it’s very dark. It’s kind of like a cave. Only it smells like poop. Yup…if you can manage to do it, always try to avoid having your head in your ass. It just isn’t pleasant.

The Knicks and Nets played last night in their first ever Battle of the Boroughs; and Brooklyn beat Manhattan in overtime, 96 to 89. With the Yankees (Bronx) and Mets (Queens) going head-to-head during inter-league play, this now means that every borough in New York City gets to experience big-time sports competition…except Staten Island…aka the Borough That No One Cares About. I don’t know why Staten Island gets such a raw deal. After all, the Corleone Compound (home of beautiful weddings and impromptu appearances from Johnny Fontaine) was located on Staten Island. And we know what kind of stand-up individuals the Corleones were…they weren’t a bunch of pimps like the mother-fucking Tattaglia’s or a group of untrustworthy snakes like the Barzini’s. And they sure as shit weren’t like that drug-pedaling fuck Sollazzo!!! No!! The Corleones were people of character!!! Sure, they once killed a police chief…but he was a dirty cop, I tells ya!!! Mixed up in the wrong rackets!!! And he got what was coming to him!! Fuck him!!!

The NFL has ruled that the Lions’ Ndamukong Suh accidentally kicked Texans QB Matt Schaub in the balls on Thanksgiving and thus Suh will not be suspended. Meanwhile, my mom ruled that the Davey Mac intentionally lit my dad’s favorite chair on fire while clearly on bath salts. Furthermore, it was ruled that that the Dave Man purposely inserted his shit into a paper bag, put the bag outside his in-laws’ house, and lit it on fire on Thanksgiving night. More details to come.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team who has now risen to Number Two in the rankings and–

What’s so funny?? …Anyway, with Duke taking their Number Two and–

Why are you laughing?!?! …Furthermore, Coach K says his Number Two smells sweet and–

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?! I’M TRYING TO WRITE A SPORTS REPORT HERE!!! Anyway, hopefully Duke doesn’t flush their Number Two down the toilet and–OH FUCK IT!!!

See you tomorry, Dave Pound!

-Dave (11/27/12)

The Irish make it to the title! Number one! The Dave makes it to the shitter! Number two! (11/26/12)

It’s your November Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and get out your clovers and shillelaghs, homies, because the Fighting Irish are in the Championship Game!! That’s right, with their 22 to 13 victory over USC on Saturday, Notre Dame will play for their first title since 1988!! My hat is off to Coach Brian Kelly, who has given Irish fans their first real joy in a quarter of a century!! And in celebration of Notre Dame’s accomplishment, I shall now go on a six-week bender of Jameson, Guinness, and car-bombing!! Furthermore, I am going to walk up to and punch the first British man, woman, or child that I see. It could be Lennox Lewis or Queen Elizabeth…if I see some limey blood…BAM!! Then, I’ll start jerking off to Sinead O’Connor videos while singing “Oh Danny Boy” and shoving bag-pipes in my ass!! Go-oooooooo, Irish!!!

The Giants fucked the shit out of Green Bay- 38 to 10. Eli Manning threw 3 touchdowns (getting him to 200 for his career, a Giants record), while New York rushed for 147 yards. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers was beaten so badly that, with his bad 1970′s mustache, he began to look like a broken-down porn star who was sitting on the couch of some fucked-up drug deal while a creepy Asian boy threw bang-snaps on the ground. Just sell the coke and get the fuck out of there, Aaron!! Don’t worry about the safe!! And just WHY THE SHIT IS “JESSIE’S GIRL” PLAYING SO GOD-DAMNED LOUDLY ANYWAY?!?! OH GREAT, NOW WE HAVE TO SIT HERE THROUGH “99 RED BALLOONS”?!?! I FUCKING HATE GERMAN SINGERS!!!! YOU SHOULD STICK WITH THE GOD-DAMNED DISCOUNT DOUBLE-CHECK, AARON, AND LEAVE THIS LIFE OF DATED MUSTACHES AND COKE DEALS GONE BAD BEHIND!!! FUCK!!!!

The 49′ers took down the Saints, 31 to 21, behind a solid performance from rookie QB Colin Kaepernick, who continues to play in place of former starter Alex Smith. Smith said after the game that he felt he deserved to be on the field. “How can someone lose their job due to a concussion? I mean, that’s just not right. I can see losing your job due to a legal problem- like fucking a small animal…like, a koala bear for instance…like when I was vacationing in Australia and I…I’m sorry, I mean ‘my friend’…my FRIEND was vacationing in Australia and he got so drunk one night that, after being bet that he wouldn’t do it by his running back Frank Gore, he decided to put a condom on and fuck a koala bear…then I…I mean my FRIEND jizzed and took off the condom and poured the cum on the koala bear’s head and, after being bet by his tight end Vernon Davis, licked up the jizz and yelled ‘Olly Olly Oxen Free!’ Yeah…I…I mean my FRIEND has to go back to Australia for his HIS court date in February. Damn.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the section that sits around Jets super-fan Fireman Ed. Thankfully for all you lucky bastards, this JERKOFF has decided to “retire his helmet” and will no longer chant J-E-T-S. He has quit as the loud-mouthed, egotistical, all-about-HIM-and-not-the-game, unofficial mascot of the team. The key word there is UNOFFICIAL. No one in the Jets organization ever formally gave this fool an actual position with the team. In fact, I don’t even know why this cock-sucker needs to “retire”. He isn’t officially linked to the Jets!!! That’s like me saying that I have retired from the Harlem Globetrotters. Yup. I’ve decided to hang up my red, white & blue sneakers and bucket of confetti. I shall furthermore retire from working in the White House as a Presidential Butt-Cleaner. Good bye, America.

See ya tomorrow, peeps!!

-Dave (11/26/12)

Happy Thanksgiving, you glorious bastards!!! Love, Dave!! Not in a sexual way!! In a friend kind of way!! OK, ok, MAYBE in a sexual way!! (11/21/12)

It’s your November Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and since this will be the last report before this long, holiday weekend, let me take the time now to say Happy Thanksgiving, you fuckers!!! Yessir!! It’s a time to reflect about some of the blessings in our life. A few of mine include:

* My significant other seems to hate me a little less this week than last week

* I have such a bountiful collection of Thanksgiving porn! The Pilgrims would shit if I ever played it for ‘em! (PS- the girls who play the Native Americans are generally hotter than the Puritans…though I think they disguised a black girl in one scene as an Indian…which I believe is historically inaccurate)

* I am thankful my significant other hasn’t yet found my butt-plugs I use when jerking off

* I feel blessed that I have never thrown up in a Dairy Queen though several times I have been tempted to

* I am humbled to have such wonderful co-workers who stupidly don’t realize that I wipe snot on their chairs at the office

* I am grateful for having a shitty car that seems to be made of Lego’s as some part of the car always falls off when I drive over twenty-five fucking miles per hour!!

* I am happy that my ass is not currently leaking

I love Thanksgiving. Usually, it is a wonderful time of year where I steal silverware from my in-laws’ house and sell it on eBay. But this year, since I will be celebrating the holiday at my parents’ house, I will not dare take their silverware. Instead, I shall simply go into my mom’s purse and steal COLD, HARD CASH, BABY!!! Yeeeeehhaaawww!!!!!!

And even though the football games are not terrific on Thanksgiving…they’re certainly not bad, either…and I can’t fucking wait. I love eating and football about as much as I love drinking toilet water and spitting it on my pet rabbit. First, we have the Houston Texans against the Detroit Lions. Davey Mac Prediction- I’ll be a little buzzed by half-time. I’ll also most likely have some spittle dripping from the side of my mouth. Then we have the Washington Redskins versus the Dallas Cowboys. Davey Mac Prediction #2- I’ll be drunk and jolly and will be putting on an impromptu dance party by the third quarter when I drunkenly lose my balance and crash into my parents’ glass coffee table, breaking it into a million pieces. The joyous party will screech to a sudden, uncomfortable halt. Lastly, we have the New York Jets taking on the New England Patriots (on the NFL Network). Davey Mac Prediction #3- I will find myself in the police station for the third straight year after it was determined that I put shit in my parents’ neighbors’ mailbox. Boy oh boy, I can’t wait!!

But my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is our legendary football game, the McDonald Two-Hand-Touch Turkey Bowl, which inevitably goes from a nice, sensitive, two-hand touch contest; into a “rough touch” level where people are allowed to shove old players into the bushes; and then up to a full-on tackle football game where every single member of the family is trying to Lawrence Taylor/Joe Theisman each other’s legs; and finally a hard-core weapons match where we forget about football altogether and slam bricks and vases over each other’s heads. It’s fucking fun!!!

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving, Dave Pound!! Don’t forget to download (for free) this week’s spectacular Davey Mac Sports Program Thanksgiving Special!! Available now on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Have a fantastic holiday!!

-Dave (11/21/12)

San Franciso beats Chicago in the Backup Quarterback Bowl! (11/20/12)

It’s your November Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 49′ers crushed the Bears last night, 32 to 7. San Francisco was led by backup QB Colin Kaepernick, who was filling in for a concussed Alex Smith. Kaepernick threw for 243 yards and two TD’s in the win. I hope Alex Smith is familiar with the story of Wally Pipp. You see, Alex, Pipp was the starting first baseman for the New York Yankees. He sat out one day, and was replaced by a young man named Lou Gehrig…who didn’t gave up the position for 2,130 consecutive fucking games!!! Meanwhile, having lost his job to Gehrig, Pipp fell out of baseball. He tried to start a vaudeville ventriloquist routine, as Wally & his puppet Black-Face, but the act was halted after a poorly-received performance in Harlem. Then Pipp tried to open up his own sex toy shop. But in the 1930′s, Wally’s Wooden Dildo’s Boutique didn’t go over very well. Later in the decade, Pipp turned to owning a print shop, however, not being very familiar with world politics, Wally made an unintentional yet huge mistake when he created 200 signs for German-Americans that said I HEART HITLER. Take a good look, Alex Smith, because Wally Pipp and Hitler signs are your future.

David Beckham says he will leave the L.A. Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. In related news, Who Gives A Fuck?! This is America, daddy!! We don’t give two cat shits about soccer, home-fry!!! We’re AMERICA, dammit!! We loves our guns and our explosions and our shootin’ people and our cars and our driving our Ford truck into our ex-girlfriend’s house because we noticed on her Facebook that she is now goin’ out with that asshole Brent who we used to fucking make fun of and now she is fuckin’ DATING him and how the fuck could you do that, Megan, you agreed that Brent is a fuckin’ douche-bag and now you’re fucking him, oh fuck this, if I ever see that guy I’m gonna run his fuckin’ ass over with my fuckin’ truck, is what I’m's gonna do!!!!

Plaxico Burress is expected to visit the Steelers for a possible job opening. Burress commented: “…And rest assured, Steelers fans, I will NEVER shoot myself in the ass with a gun again. NEVER. Now, I can’t promise that I won’t stab myself in the dick-hole with a butter knife. Damn, I love injuring myself!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Lakers’ new head coach Mike D’Antoni, who will make his debut tonight on the sidelines as the Lakers take on the Nets in L.A. I think I’m gonna watch this game. Either that, or a new movie I rented, “Big Butts Sitting On Small Tools Part II.” I can’t tell you what kind of movie it is…but I think you can guess.

See you guys tonight on Ustream for the Davey Mac Sports Program!! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Adios!!

-Dave (11/20/12)

Ladies & Gentlemen- Your Number One Team in the Nation is…your Notre Dame Fighting Irish! Face! (11/19/12)

It’s your November Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and your Notre Dame Fighting Irish have incredibly climbed the latter all the way to Number One. Yes, THE Notre Dame University- that same school of the shittiness and the Fall From Grace and the bad coaches for around twenty years has remarkably made it to the top spot in college football with a pair of Kansas State (formerly #1) and Oregon (formerly #2) losses on Saturday. I haven’t been so proud to be Irish since Shane MacGowan threw up on and then sodomized Rob Lowe on network television during the Pogues’ performance on Saturday Night Live on St. Patrick’s Day in 1990. I was 12 years old at the time and I seem to recall Lowe screaming for mercy; and then Shane slapping Lowe in the face and sticking a funnel in Lowe’s ass and pouring Jameson down it. The shrieks were horrible. Then, I remember the Church Lady trying to intervene in the drunken assault yet getting kicked in the mouth and set on fire by the Pogues’ flute player. Finally, Dieter from “Sprockets” attempted to calm everyone down but the rest of the Pogues’ dismembered him and ate him on live television. ‘Twas a grand day for the Irish!

Meanwhile, Alabama is back up in the rankings at number two. What this means is that should Notre Dame beat USC this Saturday, and Alabama defeat Georgia, it will be Notre Dame and Alabama playing for the National Championship. And that will be one FUCK of a great college football game. The historic Notre Dame going against the legendary Alabama. It would be as if Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa were real people and got into an actual, real-life boxing match. And, let’s face it, if Rocky WAS a real person, he probably would have slapped the shit out of Paulie for all the crap that tubby, fucking booze-hound did. I mean, Paulie talked smack about Rocky’s fucking wife, lost all of Rocky’s money, and generally did all kinds of fucked-up shit. And somehow Rocky put him in his corner?! As a member of his fight team?!?! Bull shit! Rocky probably would have beaten Paulie to death and hung him in the fucking meat locker that Rocky used to practice in (a la Carbone from Goodfellas)!!! THAT’S what would have happened if it was real, you sons of bitches!!

I guess I’ll give NASCAR my yearly shout out and say congrats to Brad Keselowski for winning the Sprint Cup title. Listen, I can’t claim to be a NASCAR expert. I know some of the drivers. I know a few of the tracks. I know that my my 1995 Saturn has a broken headlight. I know that I fucked up one of my window mirrors by slamming my car into my neighbor’s garbage can but that garbage can was in the fucking street, Al!!! That wasn’t my fucking fault!! In fact, I should be taking YOU to court for blocking a roadway with a fucking garbage can, Al, you fucking asshole!!!

The Patriots’ excellent tight end, Rob Gronkowski, broke his forearm yesterday in New England’s 59 to 24 thrashing of the Colts. Gronk has this for a comment: “Gronk sad. Gronk ouch. Gronk scared fire. Gronk no like flashy things. Gronk hate robots. Gronk afraid of Star Wars. Why? Flashies, fires, AND robots! All in one movie! Gronk’s worst nightmare!!! GRRRRRRRRONK!!!!”

Here are some more scores from yesterday’s NFL games:

* Broncos 30, Chargers 23

* Ravens 13, Steelers 10

* Lifesavers 42, Certs 6

* Duckies 14, Kitties 13

* Maury’s 17, Jerry’s 10

* Farts 28, Poos 27

* Harry’s 20, Potter’s 20

* Knotts 35, Rickles 34

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Saints’ Drew Brees who threw three TD’s against the Raiders as New Orleans beat Oakland- 38 to 17. The Saints are BACK, dogsie. And they have a very real shot of getting into the playoffs. Whereas I have NO shot of getting into the NYU Adult Education Film Program, because I sent my application with a seven-minute short film of me jerking off onto a pumpkin…oh well…

See ya tomorry, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (11/19/12)

The Knicks remain undefeated! The Daves remain undefarted! (11/16/12)

It’s your November Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and, ladies and gentlemen, the New York Knickerbockers are the ONLY undefeated team left in the NBA. Down by 12 with seven minutes to play, the Knicks put together a comeback against the Spurs (a team they haven’t beaten on the road since 2003) to win the game- 104 to 100. The Knicks are BACK, baby. And I am hard. I don’t know if it’s that a Knicks team is relevant…or if it’s the four pills of Viagra I took this morning…chased with five tablets of Cialis…mixed with two two hits of Ecstasy…combined with with three tabs of acid…thrown together with some Jack Daniels…after huffing some Ether…and drinking a little gasoline…followed by eating a live hamster…and inventing a sex-robot…and jerking off into the moon…man, I’m fucked up…

Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets beat the Celtics last night, 102 to 97, to win their fourth game in a row and improve to 5 and 2 for the year. I’m gonna tell you something, people, basketball is BACK in New York City. And I’m gonna tell you something else, too- whatever you do, do NOT use your dick as a “bear trap.” It simply doesn’t catch the bear. The only thing that happens is that your dick gets fucking bitten off.

Oh, by the way, there was a fucking NFL game on last night. The Bills beat the Dolphins- 19 to 14. You know why you may have forgotten? Because no one in America likes Thursdsy Night Fucking Football, NFL AND Roger Goodell, you fucking shit-heads!!! Great job!! You have now made an NFL game as irrelevant as Jim Belushi’s second anus!!! Yeah!! It’s true!! Jim Belushi has two assholes!! He’s a biological miracle!! But the second one is totally fucking useless!! No shit…or even FARTS…comes out of it!!! Talk about a raw deal!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to no one. I really have to shit.

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program! LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific! Peace!

-Dave (11/16/12)

Magic Johnson to Jim Buss- “You sir…are an asshole.” (11/15/12)

It’s your November Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and possibly the GREATEST Laker ever, Sir Magic Johnson has called out his former organization (I’m not sure if he ever was actually knighted but it sounded good. I mean, I don’t know who would even knight him anyway. Is there such a thing as the Knights of the Aids Table?). Magic says that Lakers Vice President and Daddy’s Boy, Jim Buss, is basically a piece of shit after hiring zero-time champion Mike D’Antoni over eleven-time champion Phil Jackson as the Lakers’ new head coach. “I DON’T believe in Jim Buss,” Magic stated publicly. “If I could, I’d give him HIV,” Magic stated privately. “I’d take a needle filled with my own blood and stab Jim Buss in the dick to give him a case of Cock-AIDS…which is the WORST kind…trust me,” Magic stated insanely. In this journalist’s opinion, I agree with Magic- Cock-AIDS IS the worst kind.

The Mets’ ace R.A. Dickey has become the first knuckle-baller in Cy Young history to win the award (the era spans 56 years). It’s a great achievement by Dickey, who has won the award at the age of 38 after overcoming injuries and TWO separate childhood molestations. That’s right. He was molested by two DIFFERENT people when he was a kid. Can you imagine that fucking shit?! Fuck homies, I was attacked by a swarm of bees on two separate occasions and I STILL bring it up to my therapist every Thursday!! “Doc,” I says, “every time I think of the bees I just get filled with anxiety. And I can’t get rid of it until I jerk off onto a piece of bread and eat it. Shit, Doc, I think I’m getting some anxiety right NOW!!” At this point, my therapist usually replies, “For the last time, David, I am your DENTIST. And if you masturbate on me ONE more time, I’m gonna call the cops.”

Jets head coach Rex Ryan called his players who anonymously ripped Tim Tebow in a newspaper article “cowardly” (some Jets players stated that Tebow was “terrible”). For once, I agree with Rex Ryan. If you’re gonna criticize someone, put your name on it. Otherwise, go home and touch your wife’s feet weirdly and make sure you put a video of you and your wife role-playing in some sick and perverted foot fetish video that was so uncomfortable to watch that even Larry Flynt called it “gross.” Then, fart on your wife because the lap-band that you have put on is squeezing your intestines so hard that the only relief you get is to emit flatulence onto your sleeping spouse’s face. Yup, I agree with Rex.

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the other L.A. basketball team, the Clippers, who are now 6 and 2 after beating the Miami Heat last night- 107 to 100. Prediction: the Clippers will make it to the NBA Finals this year. Double-prediction: I will get arrested soon for indecent exposure as the crotch area of my jeans is slowly ripping and since I have no money to replace them, I am like a red-headed, homely, male version of crotchless Madonna…and let me tell’s ya…that ain’t pretty, people.

This week’s delicious Davey Mac Sports Program is NOW up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Download it for FREE!! Peace!!

-Dave (11/15/12)

The Jets- “Well…our starting quartertback is terrible…yes…but our backup is REALLY terrible…so…” (11/14/12)

It’s the November Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and let’s face it, the Jets quarterbacks really suck…and now we have the evidence to back it up. In a report by the New York Daily News, players (on condition of anonymity) spoke about their QB situation. While they were not in love with starter Mark Sanchez, they think backup Tim Tebow is “terrible.” Said one player- “I would rather have Daniel Day-Lewis’ character from My Left Foot throwing the ball…get it??? Because his fucking arms didn’t work!!! Hahahaha!!! But seriously, I’d prefer Deputy Clyde from Unforgiven to be my God-Damn quarterback than Tebow!! Haha!! Do you fucking get it?!?! Because the son of a bitch only had one arm!!! Hahahaha!!! Oh, I’m on fire!! Ha! I got it going ON tonight, boy!!! Hahaha!! Anyway, I’m third-string quarterback/comedian Greg McElroy saying- ‘Laugh it up, fuzzballs! Good night!’

…shit…I…oh fuck…I just realized that this was supposed to be anonymous…um…could…shit…could you take my name off those jokes…I mean…well…they were more like comments rather than jokes anyway…I…ugh…shit, I fucked up…again…”

In a MAJOR baseball hot stove development, the Marlins have once again dumped salary and discouraged their fan base by trading more of their stars for very little in return. Miami has traded Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, John Buck, and Emilio Bonifacio to the Blue Jays for a few potato chips, an old Highlights magazine, a couple of Garbage Pail Kids cards, an electric football table, and some cheese.

The Duke Blue Devils upset the Kentucky Wildcats in college basketball yesterday- 75 to 68. Anytime I think Duke-Kentucky I think about the famous Christian Laettner buzzer-beater in March Madness. I believe the year was 1992. And a young teenage Davey Mac was just sprouting. It was the year I would graduate grade school. And it was the year I would first use my blue Smurf doll, Clumsy, as a fuck-toy. I had cut a hole in Clumsy and lined it with Saran Wrap. Then I squirted some Lubriderm in the wrap and proceeded to fuck it. Ah yes…’tis was 1992…and ’twas a good year…

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the New York Knickerbockers who are 5 and 0 for the first time since 1993. Ah, yes…1993…the year I took my Thunrdercats guys, lubed them up, and…nevermind…

See you homies tonight on Ustream for the Davey Mac Sports Program!! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Peace!!

-Dave (11/14/12)

Phil Jackson- “The Lakers are officially lying cunts.” (11/13/12)

It’s your November Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Phil Jackson is pissed. And to piss off Phil Jackson is to anger a super-villain-genius who may melt you with his eyes into a fleshy skin-puddle that he will then scoop up with his hands and rub on his face, stealing your very essence. Thus, the Lakers’ general manager Mitch Kupchak and vice president Jim Buss better watch the fuck out. After it was revealed in the media that L.A. went with Mike D’Antoni for the coaching position because Jackson requested too much to come back to the team, Jackson and his agent are claiming that in fact the Lakers were putting out lies regarding Jackson’s contractual wants. In other words, Kupchack and Buss, get ready to have your fucking faces melted off, you dummies. You don’t fuck with the Zen Master. Phil Jackson has been known to cause monkey’s heads to explode just by staring at them. And it was Phil Jackson who taught Darth Vader how to choke people simply by raising a finger in their direction. Alas, Phil Jackson once impregnated a woman and then performed an abortion, all with his MIND…just because he could. You done fucked up, Lakers…you done fucked up.

The Steelers’ Ben Roethlisberger was knocked out of last night’s game against the Chiefs with a shoulder injury (Pittsburgh beat Kansas City in OT- 16 to 13). Sources are saying that the injury may put Roethlisberger out two to four weeks. On the bright side, the more time off from the football field that Roethlisberger gets, the more rapin’ he can get done!!! Yeeeehhhaaaww!! Let’s pretend it’s the old days, Big Ben, and get liquored up and a-go on a-rapin’ jag!!! Let’s rape ‘em all!!! Yeeehhhaaww!! Mexicans!! Russians!! Samoans!! Line the fuck up ladies for a good ol’ fashioned Drunken Steeler Rapin’!!! Yabba Dabba Doo!!

Mike Trout and Bryce Harper have been named the American League and National League rookies of the year respectively. In related news, I’ve just been given the 2012 “Local New Jersey Broadcaster Most Likely To Masturbate In A Radio Station Bathroom And Wipe The Cum On One Of The Microphones To Get Back At A Co-Worker Who Said That My Car Was A Piece Of Shit, Well, Like The Millennium Falcon, The Car Might Not Look Like Much But She’s Got It Where It Counts, Cum-Face” award. Thank you.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Lebron James whose 38 points led the Heat over the Rockets- 113 to 110. Congrats, Lebron. (The winner of the DMPD gets a one-way ticket to New Jersey, where the winner will dine with a red-headed man in the garage as the winner is tied to a chair and the red-head brags to the winner about how good he is at Double Dribble, the old Nintendo basketball game, while the winner points a gun at the winner and informs him that “he’s never leaving.”)

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!

-Dave (11/13/12)

Mike D’Antoni- “FACE, Phil Jackson, you Frankenstein-esque piece of shit!” (11/12/12)

It’s your November Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Lakers have thrown us all a curve ball that landed straight in our asses. After several reports from ESPN and other “sports news” organizations stated that a deal between the Lakers and Phil Jackson returning to the team as head coach was imminent, L.A. went and signed Mr. Run-And-Gun-And-No-Fucking-Defense Mike D’Antoni to take over instead. Bam!! Take THAT, Phil Jackson, you piece of shit!! I mean, all you did was rescue the organization out of obscurity in the late ’90′s; get Shaq and Kobe (two individuals who despise each other more than the Jew and Palestinian) to get along; win yourself a fucking Three-peat; then come out of retirement; and lead a Shaq-less, Kobe-led Lakers to back-to-back fucking titles, winning FIVE championships in all!!! That’s ALL you fucking did, shit-heel!! And for that, the Lakers fuck you in the ass when you were packing your fucking suitcase last night and boarding a plane for L.A.!! We here at the DMSR, in fact, have a memo from the Lakers organization intended for Phil Jacskon:

“Dear Phil, looks like you been PUNK’D, dawg!!! Hahahaha!! Now take your brittle, Christopher Reeve back and go lie in bed, you God-Damned hobbling wookie!!! Hahahaha!!!”

The NCAA football rankings are out and, with Alabama’s stunning loss on Saturday, Kansas State is the new number one team in the nation. Oregon is second. And Notre Dame is third. College football pundits are saying that the only way Notre Dame will play for the National Championship is if Kansas State or Oregon loses. If all three teams win out, analysts are stating, the Irish will be on the outside looking in. This is a tough one for me, as I am an objective journalist, yet also a Notre Dame fan. Thus, as a neutral writer, let me say to the NCAA that if they do not let the Fighting Irish play for the title, then I, along with some of my relatives in the “Home Country” will pay a little visit to the BCS Headquarters that will be so EXPLOSIVE that the old mother-fuckers in charge will wish they were in the middle of fucking Iraq instead!!! BAM!! BOOM!! ZOOM!! Then, we’ll take the wives of the BCS committee and show them our Irish Curses while we piss on their fucking faces!!! Lastly, we’ll find the first Gallagher brother we see, be it Liam OR Noel, and drunkenly slap the shit out of him for being a Limey piece o’ shite!!! Fairly-fucking-well, NCAA!!!

The Falcons lost their first game of the season yesterday by being beaten by the Saints- 31 to 27. Forget it, the Falcons are done. As for the Saints, they’re BACK, baby. Ohhh yeeaahh…they’re back…and they’re sexier than ever…yeeaahhh…oh this is sexxxxxxy….you feelin’ sexxxy, daddy? Yeaaaahhhh, I bet you are!! Yeaahhh!!!

…Sorry. I should never have porn, specifically “Girls Who Like Putting Birds In Their Pussies IV”, on the TV when I’m trying to write. Please move along.