Tony Romo el stinko! I don’t know Spanish but I’m pretty sure that headline means he stinks! (10/2/12)

 

It’s your October Second Davey Mac Sports Report and Tony Romo and the Cowboys got fucked up by the Bears yesterday on Monday Night Football- 34 to 18.  Romo matched his career high with FIVE interceptions (two of which were returned for touchdowns).  When are we gonna finally admit it, people: Tony Romo is simply NOT that good.  WHEN will we admit, I says?!  When we will finally admit that we stuff small animals in our underwear on Friday evenings…just to “see what happens”??  WHEN will we admit that?!  When will we admit that sometimes we put secret, hidden, recording devices in women’s bathrooms…at old age homes??  WHEN, we says?!  When will we admit that we think of Cleo, Riff Raff from Heathcliff’s girlfriend when we masturbate…and that sometimes we are wearing a cat mask and we purr as we are doing it?!?!  WHEN, mother-fucker?!?!?!

With two games remaining, Miguel Cabrera leads in all of the A.L. Triple Crown categories, giving him an excellent chance to become MLB’s first Triple Crown winner since Carl Yastrzemski did it in 1967.  1967.  That was a good year.  The Beatles gave us Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.  Dustin Hoffman lit up movie screens in The Graduate.  And my Mommy and Daddy got married.  And then Mommy and Daddy would give birth to Baby Davey in 1977.  And in 1980, after I nearly burned down the house while playing with the stove, Mommy and Daddy would say to Davey, “You were a mistake.”  And in 1982, after young Davey would pour White Out on Daddy’s head while he was napping, Daddy would wake up and say to Mommy, “I told you we should have gotten rid of him.”  And in 1984, after Little Davey would throw an apple at his teacher’s fore-head, knocking off her glasses, Mommy and Daddy would explain to her in an after-school meeting, “We know he’s the Devil.  We apologize.  If we could legally kill him we would.”  Oh, 1967, you the bestest year ever!!!

With the Braves losing  last night, the Washington Nationals have won the NL East!  That’s right!  I said it!  The Washington Nationals, formerly known as the Montreal Expos, have won a division title and are headed to the playoffs for the first time since 1933.  I mentioned this to my great-uncle Charles, who is a big baseball fan, and he nearly passed out.  Of course, when I was talking to Uncle Charles, I was also suffocating him with an old rag dipped in chloroform.  I WANT MY FUCKING INHERITANCE, UNCLE CHARLES, DIE ALREADY!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the Oakland A’s, who have guaranteed themselves a spot as one of the two teams that will play in the A.L. Wild Card Playoff game.  I feel good for the city of Oakland.  They deserve it.  Unlike the city of Benghazi, Libya, who will all the nonsense going on, does NOT deserve a spot in the American League playoffs.  And I hope you NEVER make it to the post-season, Benghazi, EVEN as a WILD CARD team, you sons of bitches!!!  Go A’s!!

See you homies, manana!!!

-Dave (10/2/12)

The remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL are: the Falcons, Texans and…Cardinals??? Whaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! (10/1/12)

 

It’s your October First Davey Mac Sports Report and we have only three undefeated teams left in the NFL…and one of them is the Arizona Cardinals.  Seriously.  I’m not joking.  I mean, does THIS look like a man who doesn’t take things seriously?

OK…well…maybe that wasn’t the best example.  So let me try again.  Does this look like the face of a man who is NOT as serious as they come?!

Fuck.  OK.  Listen.  I’m not always so good with this kind of shit.  Let me give it another go…so is this NOT the image of a strikingly SERIOUS individual?!

FUCK!!!!!!  OK, how about THIS picture?!?!?

THIS PICTURE?!?!?

IS THIS ONE FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!

Maybe there’ll be a serious picture of me as a fucking kid?!?!

…oh, screw it.

Anyway, the Falcons beat the Panthers on a last-second field goal, 30 to 28.  Cam Newton had a big fumble late in the game that cost the Panthers a chance to put it away.  If I was Cam Newton, I’d try to get an endorsement deal with Fig Newtons.  And maybe the commercial could feature Cam Newton dressed up as a big, football-playing Fig Newton running over candy bars, signifying that Fig Newtons are better for you than chocolate.  And then, at the end of the commercial, a fat giant picks up Cam Fig Newton and bites into him and says to the camera, “I just LOVE eating Cam Newton Fig Newtons.  I eat them all the time.”  And maybe the giant has blood squirting from his mouth and then we see Cam Newton screaming in pain as he is being cannibalized right in front of us.  And then the camera pulls back to reveal that all of this was just the dream of a retarded child and that St. Eligius and all the shitty characters in St. Elsewhere were just a figment of the little asshole’s fucked-up imagination!!!

The Eagles beat the Giants last night- 19 to 17.  Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes fell short on a 54-yard field goal that would have won the game for the G-Men.  The win improves Philly to 3 and 1.  And as a totally unrelated aside, I am having massive stomach problems that I am blaming on the game…but probably had more to do with eating ribs this morning that were left out in my garage since Friday in room temperature next to some paint thinner and gasoline cans.  Now that I think about it, in fact, I’m pretty sure the Giants game had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m bleeding internally.  Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be at the hospital.

The Jets got absolutely fucking DESTROYED by the 49′ers yesterday- 34 to nothing.  After the game, Jets coach Rex Ryan spoke to the media and gave what he deemed was a “good recipe for an ass-kicking.”  Said Ryan, “First, you take a pound of sugar.  Then some butter.  A sprinkling of parsley would be nice.  And a little pepper…and…maybe I’m taking this ‘recipe’ thing too literally…I don’t know anymore…I just want to get real liquored up and take pictures of my wife’s feet…peace.”

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to, and I hate to do this, but those damned Europeans for mounting an historic comeback against the Americans in golf’s international battle, the Ryder Cup.  Good for you, Europe…now go pack up your shit and head to Asia ’cause good ole U.S.A. is gonna bomb you mother-fuckers back to the Stone Age with some red, white, and blue fire power!!!  Bombs away!!!!!!

See ya tomorrow, Dave Pound!

-Dave (10/1/12)

The Refs get a standing ovation! Hitler suddenly deemed a “pretty nice guy”! (9/28/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Ravens and Browns played last night, with the Ravens winning, 23 to 16.  But the main story was that the actual NFL officials returned to football.  In this journalist’s opinion, it was great to see the Replacement-Replacement refs back in action.  And hopefully another lockout doesn’t occur, or we’ll get the Replacement-Replacement-Replacement Refs back.  And we certainly don’t need that.  Anyway, the real refs actually got a standing ovation from the fans in Baltimore.  In other news, cats and dogs have squashed their beef and will get married in Massachusetts, Optimus Prime has decided to give up transforming into a large truck and will opt to change into a paper towel instead, Mitt Romney says he will now go by the name Sock Romney, Garfield insists that he will “get off his fat ass and get in shape”, and the Emperor declares that he will begin “listening to Phish and forget about this whole Empire and Dark Side of the Force stuff and just chill out and whatnot.”

And yes, folks, as I said earlier in this Report, there was another NFL Thursday Night Football game; even though it’s fucking September!!  I’m sorry, but I can’t stand by this decision to have football on Thursday’s that aren’t Thanksgiving.  The only solution, to me, would be if America declares EVERY Thursday “Thanksgiving Day” and we celebrate that crazy-assed, Pilgrim-and-Indian-fucked-up holiday every week!!  But that’s gonna take an extraordinary imagination with regards to side dishes!!!  I mean, if we are gonna have Thanksgiving and thus eating turkey every fucking Thursday, then we’re gonna need to come up with some creative ways to cook potatoes!!  ‘Cause although I love ‘em, I’m not gonna be eatin’ sweet potatoes every fucking week, you sons of bitches!!!  I need some diversity!!!!!

…oh fuck it, let’s just go to Pizza Hut instead…

Hey, on this day in 1941, Ted Williams went 6 for 8 in a double-header, putting his average for the season at .406.  In the 71 years since, no man has hit for .400 in Major League Baseball.  And I do not think a player ever will hit for .400 again.  There’s a better chance of my dick falling off then, OH MY GOD, MY COCK IS ON THE FLOOR!!!!  NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL MY PEE-PEE?!?!?  I MEAN, I CAN STORE IT IN MY TUMMY FOR A LITTLE WHILE BUT EVENTUALLY I HAVE TO GET RID OF MY PEE-PEE!!  CAN ONE SHIT PEE-PEE?!?! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey, the knuckle-baller who got his twentieth win of the season yesterday.  I promise I’m not gonna laugh when I write his name but Dickey (giggle), is just having a great year and if they don’t give Dickey (chortle) the NL Cy Young then they owe Dickey–oh fuck it–AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!  I’m sorry!!  But his fucking name is DICKEY!!!  Like PENIS-ey!!  Oh geez, that really cracks me up!!!  I also get cracked up by farts, animals wearing bow-ties, and clowns that are passed out on my mom’s couch.

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL…LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!  Have a good weekend!!

-Dave (9/28/12)

The refs are back! Yaaaaayy!! Wait…or we saying “yay” for referees? That’s fucking weird! (9/27/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and thank you, Jesus, for giving us back the real NFL referees who will be officiating the rest of the games of the year.  First off, I for one am relieved we don’t have to talk about Replacement Refs anymore.  Secondly, I do believe that the opening sentence in this paragraph is the first time in recorded history that anyone has thanked Jesus for giving us referees who, before this season, were among the most loathsome sons of bitches on the planet, next to pedophiles, Nazi’s, Nazi-Pedophiles, Nazi-philes, and Pedo-azi’s.  In fact, I believe it is the first time a deity of ANY kind has been thanked for the men in stripes.  And that includes Buddha, his Hindu buddy Frank, and that freaky Indian Monkey-God that can fly.  Finally, and most important of all, this means that referee-extraordinaire Ed “Terminator” Hochuli and his twenty-four inch biceps are back and are ready to make some seriously INTENSE holding penalty signals, brother!!!!  Yeaaaaahhh!!!!

I can’t believe I would ever say this, but…I love you, Real Referees.  I really do.  I guess I never told you before…but it’s true.  I now realize how much you mean to me, and I’m glad we’re back together.  And if this sounds romantic, even sexual, in nature…well…it’s because it is intended that way.  I wish Ed Hochuli would cradle me like the man-baby that I am and the two of us could elope in France.  Ed and I would feed each other cheesecake and visit the Louvre.  I love you referees, dammit, I really do…

As for the Replacement Refs…well…I HATE you sons of bitches.  I know that many in the media are solely blaming the NFL for putting you in a bad position.  But I also blame YOU, you SCAB cock-suckers.  And I swear that I WILL get revenge on you inept, incapable, and inadequate mother-fuckers as if I am a swordsman from The Princess Bride.  Hello.  My name is Dave-igo Mactoya.  You killed my Monday Night Football.  Prepare to die!!!

Lastly, I have written a classy and informative memo to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who helped perpetuate this embarrassment:

Dear Mr. Goodell,  

                                 You have a really fat neck and no chin.  You sort of look like Patrick the Starfish from “SpongeBob SquarePants.”  Then again, you also have very womanly features…which makes sense…as you are a bit of a cunt.  In conclusion, Mr. Goodell, please take the “NFL Shield” and shove it straight up your dick-hole.  Good day.

                     Sincerely, David McDonald

PS- You probably smell like farts.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to, who else, the NFL referees for coming back and nearly restoring order to my life.  Now if I can only get George Lucas to somehow erase Star Wars Episodes I & II from my brain and my life will be fucking perfect!!!

A brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is now available!!  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the sports bliss!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/26/12)

The NFL- “We are a bunch of dumb assholes…and YOU can’t do anything about it! Muhahahaha!!!” (9/26/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and the NFL is standing behind the INSANE replacement referees who officiated the Packers-Seahawks matchup on Monday Night Football, even though nearly every single human who saw the game knows that the refs fucked it so hard that the game has been having trouble walking for the past 36 hours.  I think that Roger Goodell refuses to believe that Americans have eye balls…that perhaps we are some sort of amoeba without the ability of sight…or possibly that we are just a bunch of Venus Flytraps, sitting on our couches with no vision until a Big Mac flies over our mouths and we spring into action!!  Is THAT what you think of us, Goodell?!?!  HUH?!?!  You piece of shit, we’ll get you, Goodell!!!  We’ll come to the NFL Offices on Park Avenue in New York City and show you what kind of Flytraps we are when we bite your fucking face off, you condescending, patronizing, son of a bitch!!!  We’ll get you if it’s the last thing we do!!!!  (…By the way, reader, I hope you don’t mind me speaking for you as I threaten to cannibalize the NFL Commissioner).

Sources are saying that because of the replacement refs’ wrong call on Monday night, an incredible $150-250 million shifted in bets in Las Vegas and other gambling areas worldwide.  See, that’s why I don’t gamble.  I’m not saying that I’m not without vices of my own, I mean, I do choke small animals every time there is a full moon after all.  And sometimes I hide under the bed at a nursing home in an attempt to scare old people into having a stroke of some kind so that I can then steal all their clothes.  Oh, and occasionally I get liquored up and fall asleep in pre-schools.  BUT…I NEVER fucking gamble.

Sources within the Reds’ organization are saying that in addition to having an irregular heartbeat, manager Dusty Baker actually had a stroke last week.  However the 63-year-old will be back for Cincinnati’s final series of the regular season and the playoffs.  Now THAT is a tough guy…unlike my pussy of a cousin, Liam.  He once sneezed and then said that “his head hurt.”  Poor baby.  Of course, he didn’t realize that in fact I had hit him in the back of the skull with a baseball bat…that’s what you get for stealing my Garbage Pail Kids, Liam, you fucking pussy!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Atlanta Braves who, with their 4 to 3 win over the Marlins last night, have clinched a wild card spot in the NL playoffs.  Good for the Braves.  It should be very exciting to see them once again in the post-season playing in a half-filled stadium, before nonchalant, passionless fans, who would rather watch Bravo then attend a baseball game, the sons of bitches, you know what, Atlanta???  FUCK YOU!!!!!

See you guys tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE on Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/26/12)

The Packers & Seahawks duel in Clusterfuck Bowl II (9/25/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and seriously, folks, what the fuck are we gonna do about these replacement refs?  I don’t know if we can hire the assassins from Munich to individually shoot these bastards…or if we can lure them into a movie theater a la Inglourious Basterds and blow them the fuck up like the Nazi’s they certainly are…or perhaps rent some Gremlins to generally terrorize these awful people…but we HAVE to do something!!!  One day after possibly saying that a field goal in the Patriots-Ravens game was good when it may NOT have been, the replacements made another mother-fucking mess of the game last night between the Packers and Seahawks when they said that a Packer, who looked to make an interception on a Hail Mary thrown by Seattle, not only did NOT make the pick, but that in fact a Seahawks player caught the ball for a fucking touchdown!!!  Despite a REPLAY showing the Packer defensive back catching the ball, the refs stood by their retardedly inept call and awarded Seattle the game-winning TD.  I can’t take it anymore.  If NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell doesn’t fix this shit immediately, I’m gonna light myself on fire outside his office in New York City like that pacifist did in the ’60′s when he was protesting the Vietnam War.

…Oh, who am I kidding…I’d pussy out…still, I like the idea…I wonder if I could give some money and hooch to some homeless people to light them on fire…NOT that I want to!!!  But I have to prove a point somehow!!

Meanwhile, sources say that Bill Belichick may get fined after touching the arm of a replacement ref after the controversial field goal from Sunday night (some journalists have said that Belichick “grabbed” the ref’s arm; but I don’t think he grabbed it.  When I think of someone being “grabbed”, I think of The King grabbing Elijah Wood or that little red-headed numbskull in Radio Flyer just before he beat them with power tools and shaved their heads or whatever…I don’t really remember that movie, I was drunk.  I only somewhat remember the ending, where that little red-haired spaz flew away on his shitty wagon and then landed on an island full of dinosaurs, where he and his sister were given a tour by possible pedophile Sam Neill.  What a great fucking movie!)

Marlins pitcher Heath Bell implied that manager Ozzie Guillen is “two-faced” in a radio interviewer and that the team does not respect him.  Maybe that’s true, Heath, but you’re fat and you look like Kenny Powers.  As far as Ozzie Guillen goes, he sort of reminds me of a chipmunk, but then again, I’m smoking pot right now…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Yankees’ Andy Pettitte, who threw six scoreless innings in the Yanks’ 6 to 3 win over the Twins.  Good for you, Andy.  You know, I always liked the name Andy.  Andy Pettitte.  Andy Kaufman.  Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption.  I like Andy’s…except YOU Andy Dick, YOU are my NUMBER ONE ENEMY—And I WILL crush you!!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!!!!

Talk to you later, friends and family!!!

-Dave (9/25/12)

The Ravens & Patriots duel in the Clusterfuck Bowl! (9/24/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Patriots and Ravens had a thriller last night with Baltimore beating New England on a last-second field goal, 31 to 30.  Oh, and there were also 24 penalties called.  Oh and oh- the field goal also may not have even fucking gone in.  And the game took 82 hours because these mother-fucking replacement referees suck the elephant dick!!!!  My Lord, enough is enough!!!  These NFL games have gone to shit quicker than Bud Fox from Wall Street!!!!  Football Sunday’s used to be my crown jewel of the Sports World and now they’ve been fucked harder in the ass by these replacement refs than Blue Star Airlines was by the great Gordon Gekko!!!  And as an aside, for fuck’s sake, Bud, why get so high and mighty about Blue Star being taken over by Gekko anyway?!?!  I mean, I know it’s your dad’s workplace and all, but YOU introduced Gekko to Blue Star in the first place!!!  Was it really a surprise when he wanted to buy ‘em out and crush ‘em!!!  Get your fucking head out of your ass, Bud!!!!

The Saints lost in overtime to the lowly Chiefs yesterday- 27 to 24 in OT- putting New Orleans at 0 and 3 for the season.  Well, that about does it.  Put it in the bank- the Saints are DONE this year.  I mean, sure, I’ve sometimes hopped off a bandwagon too early in my past.  But I am giving you a Davey Mac GUARANTEE that the Saints will not make the playoffs.  Don’t hold the fact that I got other GUARANTEES wrong.  I still think that Walter Mondale should have beaten Ronald Reagan for the Presidency in 1984.  And, yeah, maybe I spoke in haste when I uttered the words “This American Idol thing will NOT last.  Guaran-damn-tee.” And ok, I got one wrong when I looked into my crystal ball and proclaimed ”I predict 1,000 years of peace and harmony for Libya and America.  Gauran-fucking-tee.”  Sheesh, I REALLY fucked THAT one up.  Go Saints!

The 49′ers were SHOCKED by the Vikings on Sunday, losing 24 to 13 to Minnesota.  It’s the first time anyone from California lost to someone from Minnesota since Hulk Hogan of Venice Beach was defeated by Jesse “The Body” Ventura of Minneapolis in a cage match, and then put in a sleeper hold, and then hog-tied when he was asleep, and then Jesse “The Body” took a scolding hot fire iron and shoved it into the Hulkster’s ass and, yeah, yeah, I’m pretty sure that this whole thing was another Sizzurp-fueled hallucination.  Sorry about this.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Monday Night Football, for being on this evening.  I think I’m gonna have a good ol’ fashioned football evening, come 8:30.  Some beers, some wings, some chips, some pot, some guns, some threats, some burglaries, some ski masks, some stick-ups, some midgets, some dildos, some shitties.  Just a good ‘ol fashioned Football Night!!!

I see’s ya’s tomorrow’s, Dave Pound!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (9/24/12)

The Giants shit and shut the Panthers! (9/21/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and the Giants didn’t just beat the Panthers last night (36 to 7), they kicked the everlasting shit out of them in a manner so violent the G-Men looked less like a football team and more like a pissed-off Sonny Corleone as they took the Panthers by the fucking lapels and threw them over a gate as they proceeded to slam Carolina in the head with a fucking garbage can.  That’s what the Panthers get for laying their hands on Connie!!!  But watch out, G-Men!!  Carolina is fixin’ to have you shot on the Causeway!!  And if that happens, I’m gonna have to say out loud, “Look-a what they did to my football team!!!”

Manny Pacquiao said that he would be willing to take less money than Floyd Mayweather if it would get Mayweather in the ring with him for a fight.  Bam!  Now it’s up to YOU, Floyd!!  Stop the bullshit and get this thing going already!!  I am sick and tired of the stalling!!  I’m also sick and tired of the following:

* People in the hospital complaining about the smell of my farts

* Children who laugh at me when I accidentally cut my leg off while mowing the lawn

* Driving teachers who blame me for crashing their students just because I put hidden bombs and sniper-assassins on the driving obstacle course

* Animals who shriek when I bite into them while they’re still alive

* 7-11 cashiers who refuse me service because I come in with no shirt and no pants on and an Oscar The Grouch puppet on my penis

The Phillies brought the fucking pain down on the Mets last night; as they defeated New York 16 to 1.  That, my friends, is a baseball ass-raping.  I’m not sure if its Deliverance-style, or Pulp Fiction-style, or Davey Mac-style…but it IS an ass-raping.  You know what?  Just forget about that last style of ass-rape that I listed…heh…it’s…it’s really not something you need to know…uh…HEY LOOK AT OVER THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(runs away)

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Washington Nationals; who have clinched one of the Wild Card spots in the N.L.  It is the first time a baseball team from D.C. has made the postseason since 1933; which “supposedly” is a long time ago.  In fact, 1933 “APPARENTLY” is “ALMOST” 80 years ago.  “REPORTEDLY”, that’s “PRACTICALLY” a century ago, but “ACTUALLY”…it isn’t.  This has been David McDonald for the Non-Helpful-Factoid-By-Someone-Pretending-To-Be-A-Journalist-Editorial.  Good day.

See you homies on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/21/12)

Derek Jeter and Lou Gehrig- Best Buddies…or are they? Muhahahahaha!!!! (9/20/12)

 

Its your September Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and by getting his 200th hit of the season last night, Derek Jeter has tied Lou Gehrig for the most 200-hit seasons as a Yankee.  This comes three years after Jeter broke Gehrig’s Yankee record for most hits by a Bronx Bomber.  Somewhere in Heaven, Gehrig must be looking down, and saying, “Holy shit, is this guy gonna break ALL of my fucking Yankee records?!?!  I mean, what did I do to this asshole?!?!  And talk about a privileged life!!  Jeter’s bangin’ a new Hollywood starlet and/or model every other night and I died from a horrific disease that they named after me as some sort of SICK consolation prize!!!  In fact, I bet Jeter will try to get HIS own fucking disease, too, the son of a bitch!!!  Only his ‘disease’ will be some sort of magical virus that makes your dick bigger!!!  Luckiest man on the face of the earth??????  Fuck off!!!  Jesus Christ!!!”

Jesus:  Yes, Lou?

Gehrig:  Can you kill Jeter for me?

Jesus:  No.  No I cannot, Lou.

Gehrig: Shit.

The Orioles won in extra innings yesterday for the fifteenth straight time this season; the longest streak of its kind since 1949 when the Indians won 17 straight extra-inning games.  Do you know how fucking LONG ago 1949 is?  They didn’t have iPads back then!!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!!  What a bunch of nincompoops!!  Also, in 1949, there were no iPhones!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!!!  ASSHOLES!!!  No iPods, or iTouches, iShoes, or iMeatballs, or iJizz, or iMidgets, or iMonsters, or iFarts either!!!  Hahahaha!!!  What a bunch of fucking maroons!!!  Damn, the ’40′s must’ve sucked dicks!!!  I’m Dave McDonald, and this has been Dave’s Retarded Time Capsule Editorial…good day.

Reds manager Dusty Baker has an irregular heartbeat and will have to stay in the hospital for a while to get some tests done.  I always liked the song “Son Of A Preacher Man” and to hear about his heart—

—what?  Dusty Sprinfield you say??  Well shit, I guess I just had a bit of a brain-fart is all.  Anyway, my favorite thing that Dusty “The American Dream” Baker ever did was put Abdullah the Butcher in a head-lock and—

—huh?  That was Dusty Rhodes?????  Well, what the fuck is wrong with the Dave Man today?!?!  My guess would be the five quarts of NyQuil and DayQuil that I’ve drank down while eating some low-grade Ecstasy!!  That would be MY fucking guess!!!!

Boxer Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. tested positive for marijuana after his fight on Saturday against Sergio Martinez.  Who the shit smokes pot before a boxing match?!?!  I mean, sure, I know that Roger Waters once failed a weed test before his bout with Joe Frazier in 1970.  And, yeah, I guess I do recall that Jerry Garcia reportedly smoked the herb before his famous fight against Ali in 1973 (named the Stumble In The Jungle).  Oh, and I currently am smoking up some ganja before I challenge Vitali Klitschko to a no-holds-barred death match…but BESIDES THAT, no one should be smoking pot before a fight for fuck’s sake!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, whose home run led the Dodgers over the Nationals in Game 2 of a double-header, 7 to 6.  I’d like him better if his name was Matt Hemp.  Hey, Roger, Jerry, and Woody Harrelson, we got some sweet Matt Hemp over here, dawgs!!!  Smoke it up!!!!!

See you guys tomorrow!!  And there is a brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Check it out!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/20/12)

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose…and you can pick off Peyton Manning three fucking times in the first quarter! (9/18/12)

It’s your September Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning threw the ball like Cooper “Graham Cracker Neck” Manning last night, throwing three interceptions in the first quarter, as the Broncos lost to the Falcons- 27 to 21.  I can’t necessarily prove it but I’m pretty sure Manning was intoxicated during the game.  His eyes looked red, and he was sweating a lot.  Basically he looked like me on any given Friday, after I’ve imbibed in an 18-pack of Budweiser and some Jack Daniels, and have filled up a baby pool with my own shit, and have then dove like Greg Louganis (minus the AIDS) into the pool, all fucked-up-like.  I mean, just look at this picture of Peyton:

Now here is a picture of brilliant writer and NOTORIOUS drunkard, Charles Bukowski:

They look like mother-fucking twins!!!  Come one, don’t you see it?!?!  Their heads are both tilted downward, their eyes are half-closed, their lips are pursed as if they’re sucking on an invisible whiskey bottle- they’re BOTH fucking drunk!!!  I see it!!!  Are you telling me that YOU don’t see it!!  Well, maybe I’m a little more boozed up than you are at this moment!!!  I’s been gettin’ my drink on and shit!!!  Maybe you just need to start sippin’ Old Grand-Dad like the Dave Man!!!  Heeeyyy, hey, what are you lookin’ at?!?!  Huh, pal?????  You lookin’ at ME?!?!?  You son of a bitch, wow, this Old Grand-Dad is kinda kickin’ in, you piece of shit, andf fidjfsdjghsdfdofko

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Speaking of booze, Olympic gold medalist snowboarder Shaun White has been busted for public intoxication and vandalism in Nashville.  Apparently he drunkenly pulled a fire alarm at some hotel he was staying at and then tried to kick some guy.  But the guy ended up shoving the “Flying Tomato” into a fence.  Come on, Shaun.  Pulling a fire alarm?  That’s all you got???  Shit, at Fordham University I lit a fucking Christmas tree on fire outside a nun’s house which ultimately led to my expulsion!  Trying to kick a guy?!?!  Shit man, I recently got hammered with Sally Struthers and cut off her fucking feet while she was driving; lead to her getting arrested for DWNF (driving with no feet)!!!  Getting pushed into a fence, Shaun????  Shitties dude, I once was decapitated at 7-11!!!!  MAN UP, Tomato!!!!

Major League Baseball is investigating the curious case of Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar, who for some reason had a gay slur written in Spanish on his eye-black in a game against the Red Sox (the phrase, “Tu ere maricon”, translates into “you’re a faggot”).  Meanwhile, well-known Sox fan, Elton John, wore his own eye-black in retaliation that read If Escobar Hates Gays So Much Why Did He Suck My Cock Last Night? Ohhhhhh!!!  I know what you’re thinking, “That was a very long message, David.”  Well, Elton John wears a SHITLOAD of eye-black!!!!  Look it up!!!  It’s on Wikipedia!!!  He covers his face in eye-black all the time!!  It’s fucking true!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Usually Most Hated Man In Football- Mr. Referee.  Let’s face it, these replacement refs fucked up all kinds of shit this past week and we need the genuine officials back.  Even the players and coaches miss the REAL referees.  Meanwhile, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues to fuck them over and lock them out.  Listen, the only lock out I wanna see anymore, Goodell, is the kind my wife does to me in our house when she finds me naked with a Mr. Potato Head (Darth Vader version) over my dick.  I’m sorry, honey!!!!!!!!!!!

See you homies later!!!

-Dave (9/18/12)