Tom Coughlin to Greg Schiano- “FUCK YOU, PENIS-FACE!” (9/17/12)

 

It’s your September Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Giants and Bucs played a wild game yesterday in the Meadowlands.  The G-Men were down by 14 points in the second half when they mounted a frantic fourth quarter comeback.  Eli Manning threw for 510 yards as New York overcame Tampa, 41 to 34.  However, it is the last play of the game that is getting some press.  With only five seconds to go, the Giants were taking a knee to end the contest when the Bucs defensive line crashed into Eli and players on the offensive side of the ball.  Then, after the game, New York coach Tom Coughlin yelled at Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano for what he perceived was a dirty play.  Coughlin said during the press conference:  “I told him that if he ever tried that again, I am gonna take a pen and stab him in the throat with it eight times until he ‘cries like a little girl.’  Then I’ll take his fucking head and stick it into a fucking vice and start cranking until his fuckin’ eye pops out!!!  THEN, I’ll take ice picks and shove them into his fucking balls!!!  And when Schiano screams out the name ‘Charlie M’, I’m gonna tell him, ‘You mother-fucker!!!  You made me pop your eye out of your fucking head for Charlie M?!?!’  …Incidentally, after the game you can all catch me in an off-Broadway play- Tom Coughlin Performs Martin Scorcese’s Casino.  It’s gonna be great!!!  And definitely a HELL of a lot better than Mike Tomlin Performs Kevin Smith’s Dogma.”

The Patriots were upset by the Cardinals yesterday- 20 to 18.  With seconds to go, Pats kicker Stephen Gostkowski absolutely shanked a field goal that would have given New England the win.  It must be hard being a kicker.  It’s a lonely position.  Plus, according to urban legend, most kickers have very small penises.  I don’t know where they did the study, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate.  Also, when the real football players are practicing, most kickers just sit in the locker room, tasting their own cum.  That’s something I heard.  Again, I can’t prove it.  Also, my friend, Insane Pete, says that he once saw a kicker murdering a Chinese family in New York City and then putting the bodies in his van.  I believe it…I mean…it sounds like something a kicker would do…

In college football, Notre Dame has climbed all the way to Number Eleven in the nation after beating Michigan State over the weekend, 20 to 3.  The Irish next take on 18th-ranked Michigan on Saturday and I cannot fucking wait.  I’m gonna be on the air at Sirius XM Satellite Radio when the game begins and am pretty sure I’m gonna be drunker than Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers…or Dennis Hopper in Rumble Fish…or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider!!  Basically, I’m gonna be drunk and more fucked up than the entire filmography of Dennis Hopper wrapped up in a big bottle of tequila while I watch this Notre Dame game, LIVE on the air on Saturday, with booze running through my brain and beer pumping in my blood!!!  I can’t fucking wait!!!

In their three games this season, #1 Alabama has defeated Michigan by the score of 41 to 14; Western Kentucky- 35 to zero; Arkansas- 52 to fucking NOTHING.  They are beating the holy piss out of people.  Quite frankly, I’m pretty sure if we used Alabama to invade Iran right now we’d crush the shit out of that country in about six fucking days.  Then we could finally build Disney Tehran like we’ve always wanted to, and have all of our fat Americans invade the Middle East in order to wait three hours on a line for a roller coaster that they could have been on in FIFTEEN minutes at Great Adventure!!!

The Davey Player of the Day goes to Cam Newton, whose solid play led the Panthers over the Saints- 35 to 27.  The Saints are now 0 and 2 and are in a little bit of trouble.  Like my Uncle Butch.  Who put jizz in the pancake batter while working as a cook at Perkins.  Hope things work out, Butch!!!

See you folks, tomorrow!

-Dave (9/17/12)

The Packers beat the Bears! But you probably didn’t know the game was on last night, did you? Don’t lie to me!!! (9/14/12)

 

It’s your September Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Packers defeated the Bears last night, 23 to 10, before a live television audience of 16 people.  Listen, I love football.  But for fuck’s sake I nearly forgot about the game altogether because it’s Thursday in SEPTEMBER!!  I was busy watching “Gangnam Style” on YouTube for the eight-thousandth fucking time.  I hate to give in to fads or viral videos but dammit is that song catchy.  I wish I could have a loop of “Gangnam Style” going around and around in my head via a surgically-implanted iTunes microchip that was inserted into my brain with just that one mother-fucking song on it.  For shit’s sake, the Today Show had the “Gangnam Style” guy perform the song TWICE, BACK-TO-BACK, with a commercial break in between and BOTH times I was Gangnam Styling my stupid ass off like I was from South Korea!!  Sexy ladaaaaay!!!!!!!!!

John Madden is the latest member of the media to fart on Tim Tebow, saying that Robert Griffin III reminds him of “a Tim Tebow who can pass.”  BAM!!  CLAM!!!  JIZZ-AM!!  Just add John Madden to the list of famous people who think that Tebow can’t throw for shit.  Here are some of the other quotes:

“Tim Tebow SUCKS BIG FAT DICK…at least, I wish…” – Jerry Sandusky

“Tebow’s passes are shakier than ME!” – Michael J. Fox

“Fuck Tim Tebow.  Fuck him right in the ass.  Fuck his face.  Fuck his ears.  Go to Hell, Tim Tebow.” – The Pope

Oscar De La Hoya admitted that he drank booze while training for his fight against Manny Pacquiao in 2008; and that he even got a little liquored up before the actual match itself.  Well, I’m glad you got that off your chest, Oscar.  I really am.  Have you gotten some peace with that revelation?  Good.  That’s nice to hear…because…I lost two hundered fucking dollars on that fight, you cock-sucker!!!!  Now you OWE me that fucking money, pal!!!  You hear me, you son of a bitch?!?!  I don’t care if it’s a check or 200 dollar bills but I want that fucking money, dick-nose, or you’re gonna fuckin’ get it!!!  I KNOW PEOPLE!!!  You understand, you piece of shit!?!?!  FUCK!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Derek Jeter, who tied Willie Mays for tenth all-time on the career hits list (3, 283).  Anytime you can say that you’ve tied Willie Mays for anything, you’ve done a hell of a job.  I certainly can’t say that.  I can say that I’ve tied my high school janitor, Willie Malcolm, for the most times an individual has jerked off under the bleachers…but I’m not proud of that record.

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL, at 7PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!!

-Dave (9/14/12)

Jim Calhoun- “So long, College Basketball! And Coach K…don’t forget to suck my ass!!” (9/13/12)

 

It’s your September Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and legendary UCONN men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun has resigned.  The man who is probably the most successful contemporary of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski’s is leaving the game at the age of 70.  Calhoun won three National Championships, and had a way of yelling at referees like he was Carla Tortelli from Cheers, who could crudely berate people yet somehow have everyone like her.  One ref said of Calhoun:  “He once called me a pudgy dork when I called a traveling violation.  It made me sad.”  Another official stated of the UCONN coach:  “Calhoun said that I was a ‘balding retard’ after one of his players fouled out.  He then said that I probably ‘don’t have a dick.’  It hurt for, like, three months.”  Yet another ref commented:  “Calhoun once pointed at me and yelled, ‘Look, everyone!  That zebra has man-tits!  Nice, plump, juicy man-tits, Fatso!’  I’m still going to therapy for that one…”

Update on the Yankees-Orioles division race.  Both teams won last night.  Both teams are still tied for first place in the A.L. East.  Update on the Davey Mac senior citizen race.  “Old Man” Fitzgerald currently has taken a lead over Jim “Pops” Mahoney…but that’s only because “Old Man” smashed “Pops” in the brain with his cane.  More updates to come.

Tonight the Bears take on the Packers in Green Bay.  It’s Thursday Night Football!!  And it’s a good game!!  And I guarantee that in two months (just in time for Thanksgiving), we’ll be totally sick of football being play on Thursday’s.  The NFL has never learned that “less is more”; unlike Keith Moon, who was such a great drummer that he decided to die rather than play another fucking snare drum.  I always believe that less is more, which is why even though I could write brilliantly on this topic for paragr—

Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez, who have fought three close fights, have decided to lace up the boxing gloves for a FOURTH time in the ring.  Says actor Michael Caine, “Hopefully the match will be better than Jaws 4!!!!  Hahahaha!!!  But seriously, Jaws 4 really fucking sucked!!!  Hahahaha!!  Jaws 4, more like This Movie Is Shitty!!  Hahahah!!  Thanks, everyone!!  I’m Michael Caine, acting-comedian, so long!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Willie Mays, who hit his 500th home run on this day in 1965.  A special bonus DMPD goes to Willie Mays Hayes, who on this day in 1989 finger-cuffed Roger Dorn’s wife with Ricky Vaughn.  Great job, guys!!

Hey homies!  A brand new episode of the online Davey Mac show is NOW up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Subscribe (for free) and enjoy!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (9/13/12)

Bryce Harper gets a lot of hits and some other shit happens in, honestly, a fucking BORING sports day!! (9/12/12)

 

It’s your September Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and last night was not the most sizzling night for sports news but we’re gonna make the fucking best of it anyway, baby!!  ‘Cause that’s what we fucking do here at the DMSR!!  We make the best of things, but only when we’re not making the worst of things, and when we’re not trying to arm wrestle Fantastic Four’s The Thing, and usually when we’re sucking face with John Carpenter’s The Thing, and definitely when we’re tying up and tickling Howard Hawks’ The Thing!!!

Anyway, the Nationals’ 19-year-old phenom Bryce Harper had his first four-hit game in the Majors yesterday, as Washington beat the Mets, 5 to 3.  And the baseball media is going crazy with excitement.  Great.  Let’s just put him in the fucking Hall of Fame already.  Listen.  I don’t know about you, but I NEVER count my chickens before they’re hatched.  I count them once I’ve chopped their heads off and glued them together in hopes to make a home-made San Diego Chicken-Made-From-Real-Chicken-Heads costume for this Halloween.  I love holidays.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has agreed to meet with the four players he suspended during the Saints bounty scandal.  As the lawyer for one of the players, I have drafted a letter to Goodell on my client’s behalf:

Dear Mr. Goodell,

                              First let me start by introducing myself.  My name is David McDonald and my fingers are a little cummy.  Seriously.  As a result, there probably is some cum residue on this letter, as I am the one who typed it, and mailed it to you.  Thus, you are now touching the cum of a red-headed naked man from New Jersey.  I am not a lawyer.  In fact, this whole thing was a ruse to get you to touch my cum.  FACE,  David McDonald Phd.

PS- I am not a Phd, either.  I added that last part so that you would touch some of my shit, that I put on the “P”.

The Davey Player of the Day goes to J.J. Hardy of the Orioles whose two home runs against the Rays led Baltimore to victory over Tampa, 9 to 2.  With the win and a Yankees loss, the O’s and Yanks are once again tied for first in the A.L. East.  I don’t know about you but J.J. Hardy sounds like the most American fucking name I’ve heard in years.  It might as well be Chip Ass-Kicker or Jim These-Colors-Don’t-Run.  Well done, Hardy!!

Join is for the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE, THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!! Peace!!!

-Dave (9/12/12)

Murray wins the U.S. Open!! Then gets slimed!! (9/11/12)

 

It’s your September Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and by capturing the U.S. Open, Andy Murray has won his very first Grand Slam tournament.  And in doing so, he has become the first British man (Murray is from Scotland) in 76 years to win a Major.  What I liked most about it the event was that Sean Connery was in attendance, cheering on his fellow Scotsman.  In fact, Connery regularly supports people from Scotland.

“He sits in the front row for every single one of my shows,” says Scottish talk show host Craig Ferguson.  “It’s really becoming uncomfortable.  He over-laughs at all of my jokes and I think I once heard him fart.”

“Connery’s been to all of our concerts,” states Garbage’s Shirley Manson (of Scotland).  “Once he tried to come on stage and sing ‘Stupid Girl’ with me.  But he was tackled by our security.  I think he was drunk.”

Says actor/comedian and Scotsman Billy Connolly- “I was on the set of Boondock Saints and, after a particularly difficult scene, I went back to my trailer and found Sean sitting on the floor with no clothes on, saying that he wanted to give me some ‘acting tips.’  I’m…I’m pretty sure he was drunk.”

Meanwhile, last night was a double-header of Monday Night Football.  In the first game, the Ravens pummeled the Bengals, 44 to 13.  In the second game, the Chargers beat the Raiders, 22 to 14.  I have to be honest, I’ll be watching these games today on my DVR, for I was viewing the U.S. Open.  OK?!  Is that cool with you?!  Shit, I’m fucking SORRY that I didn’t watch football yesterday, alright?!?!  But it’s not like I have three heads with which to watch three different sports events!!  And if I DID have three heads, I would most certainly put them to better use than that!!  I think that Head Number One would probably be some sort of gum connoisseur, testing out different varieties, from Hubba Bubba to Big League Chew.  Head Two would most likely concentrate on spitting at people.  And Head Tres (Spanish for “three”) would get fucked up on cheap booze and Oxycontin.  Davey Mac: The Three-Headed Kick-Ass Monster From Hell!!!  See this horror at a movie theater soon!!

The owner of the Astros says that there’s a possibility that Roger Clemens could return to Major League Baseball this season to pitch for Houston.  Clemens is now fifty fucking years old and hasn’t pitched in MLB in five years.  But shit, anything is possible, I guess.  I once saw an 87-year-old man throw a horse off a cliff.  Of course, I had pumped the elderly fucker with steroids and cocaine while he was sleeping, and had gotten the horse piss drunk.  But hey, I fucking won the bet that I had laid.  And Catman, you still owe me ten bucks!!

While on this day in 1985, Pete Rose broke Ty Cobb’s all-time hits record, I think 9/11 has a more significant meaning than what happened in the world of sports.  Thus, today’s Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to all the victims of those Al Qaeda shit-heads in the various attacks on this country in 2001.  And if I had my way, I’d make bin Laden drink my fucking piss.  Even if he IS dead now, I’m gonna make his corpse drink my sour, salty piss.  Anyway, we remember this day.  Peace.

-Dave (9/11/12)

Peyton and Serana WIN! Then they MAKE OUT! HOT! (9/10/12)

 

It’s your September Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning is back, baby.  And he’s throwing touchdowns and winnings football game.  And he’s banging your mom and he’s banging my mom and he’s ripping the arms off of people and he’s suddenly speaking German and he’s baking Scandinavian children and he’s biting the head off an alligator and he’s BACK, baby.  Manning was 19 of 26 passes for 253 yards and two touchdowns in last night’s game which saw Peyton’s Broncos beat the Steelers- 31 to 19.  Meanwhile, the kid who is replacing him in Indianapolis, Andrew Luck, threw three interceptions as the Colts were crushed by the Bears- 41 to 21.  Manning said in a press conference after the game- “We played well today.  Oh, and also…Andrew Luck, you can now go and suck my ass.  Suck it.  Suck it nice and long.  Suck that ass, Luck.  Also, to Colts owner Jim Irsay, you can suck some of my ass, too.  Go ahead.  There’s plenty of Peyton ass to go around.  Anyone who wants some can suck a little ass, dawg.  Yeah.  You know you want to.  Suck that ass.”

Serena Williams defeated Victoria Azarenka yesterday in the U.S. Open Final to take her 15th career Grand Slam championship.  While I feel good for Serena, I must admit, I fear her as well.  I mean, I think Serena could squash my head like a fucking grape.  And she probably would want to squash my head with all the smack talk I like to lay down.  Shit, if we were playing Wii Tennis, I would take Serena to fucking school.  Bam!  Boom!  Jlam!  I must admit I can play the shitties out of Wii Tennis.  I’m like a combination of John MacEnroe mixed with Roger Federer mized with Pete Sampras mixed with Luke Skywalker mixed with Gandalf the Grey mixed with He-Man mixed with Jesus.  And thus, after I annihilated Serena, I would smack talk all kinds of shit.  At which point, she’d turn around, and most likely squash my head like a grape.  FIN.

The Redskins’ Robert Griffin III beat the Saints in his NFL debut, 40 to 32.  Griffin threw for 320 yards and two touchdowns.  I confess- I was very surprised that RG3 played this well in his first pro game.  But then again, I was drunk as hell when I made my mistaken prediction- “RG3 will have a horrible game and will most likely have his dick ripped off by a Saints linebacker.”  I was also drunk as hell when I said the following:

* “I just farted on my dad’s head.”

* “Who else find’s squirrels hot?”

* “Does anyone know where I can get some herpes medicine?”

* “Why does my ass feel like there are Jolly Ranchers in it?”

* Oh…there are Jolly Ranchers in my ass.  How the shit did that happen?!?!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mark Sanchez of the Jets, who threw 3 TD’s in New York’s 48 to 28 romp of the Bills.  Tim Tebow saw a little action as well, but was booed by the New York crowd after not gaining many yards in the Wildcat offense.  I am not a fan of the Jets organization but I have to give credit where credit is due.  And since I am giving out credit, big ups to C. Thomas Howell for his performance as “Robert” in 1984′s Red Dawn.  I know the credit seems long overdue, C. Thomas, but at least I’m giving it to you!!  So don’t fucking complain!!  I mean, it’s not like every other journalist is dying to give you credit, you ungrateful bastard!!!  Well, fine, if you don’t want my credit then I fucking rescind it!!!  Fuck YOU, you credit-less ingrate!!!!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (9/10/12)

The Orioles and Yanks are all tied up! In my basement! With a gun pointed at them! (9/7/12)

 

It’s your September Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the Orioles smashed six home runs off the Yankees last night, beating New York 10 to 6.  In doing so, the O’s and Yanks are now tied for first place in the American League East.  Well, I’ll be.  Just when you think you know how things are gonna turn out, something like this happens.  Well, someone oughtta put a flute up my assy and start playin’ Yankee Doodle Dandy!  I says, someone shoulda take a hefty softball size a shiat and throw it at my eye, blinding me for life, forcing me to wear an eye patch, and having kids a-call me Captain Shit-Eye.  Well, I says, dagnabbit, someone might as well toss me on a bonfire of old cummy porn magazines, cuz this is the CRAZIEST pennant race I’s a-seen in years!!!!  Yeeeehaaaww!!!

A new report says that the New York Jets have the highest average ticket in the NFL (at $117.94).  The Patriots are second at $117.84.  I can understand the New England ticket price as they have tended to win some fucking Super Bowls since 1970!!!  But for cunt’s sake, Jets organization, what the shit is your fucking team’s excuse?!?!  Did you add an extra fifteen bucks for that asshole Fireman Ed and his hideously lame J-E-T-S routine that hasn’t been fun since Vinny Testaverde was the fucking QB?!?!  Or are you charging tons of money for fans to see a bunch of over-hyped assholes act like bigger primadonnas than the combined pussies of Aretha Franlin and Mariah Carey?!?!  OR, are you just a group of greedy cock-suckers with less morals than God-Damned Leatherface?!?!  My guess- ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE!!

A third-grader in Colorado was sent home from school for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey.  The reason- the number 18 is associated with a gang.  The child returned the next day wearing a Mariano Rivera jersey, but was immediately sent home as the number 42 is associated with Hitler.  The child returned the following day with a Larry Bird jersey but was sent home as the law-makers who made these rules once had 33 heads up their asses.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Novak Djokovic who has played his way into the U.S. Open semifinals.  Novak, whose nickname is “The Joker”, has been warned not to enter any movie theaters unless he wants to be shot by a S.W.A.T. team.

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Go to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) for the show and whatnot!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/7/12)

Tony looked GREAT! No-Romo! (9/6/12)

 

It’s your September Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Tony Romo and the Cowboys took it to the New York Giants last night in the first game of the NFL season (Dallas won, 24-17).  Romo threw for 307 yards, with three touchdowns, completed 22 of—

—oh fuck it I can’t do this!!  Look, I know the fucking guy played well, OK?!  I’m fucking admitting it!!!  What else do you want me to say?!?!  Tony Romo played well!!  There!!  Better now?!  I will tell you this, though- it doesn’t make him any less of a fucking douchebag!!  What with the backwards hats, and the shit-eating grins, and the un-tucked shirts, and the three rape convictions, and the illegal performing of midnight abortions, and the building of a Meth lab that would put the Breaking Bad people to shame, and the murder of five Fraggles when high on PCP, and the cannibalization of Art Modell…Romo is STILL a fucking jerk!!!  I don’t care WHAT you say!!!

And yes, in case you didn’t hear, that last part was true.  Art Modell is dead at the age of 87.  I mean, I can’t prove that Tony Romo ate the old bastard, but I have my suspicions.  Anyway, Modell was the owner of the Baltimore Ravens but may best be remembered for ripping the heart out of Cleveland and moving the Browns to B’More.  I suppose I should give my deepest sympathies to the Modell family…but instead I’ll say good riddance, you money-grubbing pig!!!  Art Modell traumatized an entire city that, although they eventually got their Browns back, STILL hasn’t recovered to this day.  For fuck’s sake, Halle “Born In Cleveland” Berry was so distraught from the Browns leaving, she ended up having sex with Billy Bob Thornton!!!  Burgess “Mr. Cleveland” Meredith became so upset he fucking had a heart attack during a Clubber Lang fight!!!  And Alan “Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I’m from Cleveland” Ruck was so disturbed by the Browns’ exit that he tried to fucking drown himself in a God-Damned pool!!!  In summation, FUCK YOU, Art Modell!!!!

After a radio host in Boston, Glenn Ordway, asked Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine if he has “checked out” of this awful Sox season, Valentine responded by saying that he would like to “punch (Ordway) right in the mouth.”  Bam!!!  Take THAT, Ordway!!  Bobby V went on to say to Ordway:  “Yeah!!  I’d take your mouth and punch the FUCK out of it!!  Then I’d take your head and shove into a shit-filled toilet eight or nine times!!!  Yeah!!!  THEN I’d take your dick and squeeze it with a pair of pliers until it turned purple and exploded!!!  Yeah!!!  Then I’d shove a fucking cobra up your ass while I’d draw a set of tits on your fore-head!!!  Yeah!!!  I’m Bobby FUCKING Valentine, Ordway, the ‘Toughest Man Alive’, and I’ll FUCK YOU UP HARD!!!”

With the Yankees beating the Rays yesterday, coupled with the Orioles losing to the Blue Jays, New York has regained sole possession of first place in the A.L. East.  This pennant race is the unlikeliest thing that I have seen since Al Roker raped Wanda Sykes on the Today Show.  That was some fucked-up shit, Al.  I mean, Willard Scott would have never done that…oh, who am I kidding, they didn’t call Willard “The Rape Machine” for nothing!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to some tennis stiff named Tomas Berdych from Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where City who took down the world’s greatest tennis player, Roger Federer, in a stunning upset at the U.S. Open last night.  Congrats, Berdych.  Now go back to your bullshit anonymous Eastern European country and get your fuckin’ shinebox!!!!

We’ll talk to you tomorry, Friendies!!!

-Dave (9/6/12)

The NFL is BACK, baby!! It’s jizz time!! (9/5/12)

 

It’s your September Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and thank Jesus the Lord Almighty- FOOTBALL is BACK.  TONIGHT.  The defending-champion New York Giants take on the Dallas Cowboys.  I am hard.  Please skip these next few sentences if you don’t want to hear this…

…but I am as hard as a fucking ROCK for this game tonight.  No, I take that back…I’m as hard as THE Rock for the game!  No, wait.  I’m as hard as THE Rock if he was in the movie “The Rock” with Nicolas Cage and was getting jerked off by former Montreal Expo Tim “Rock” Raines and the cast of “Third Rock From The Sun” was putting their fingers up all of our asses!!!  Then, I would jizz into Nicolas Cage’s eye and say, “…And keep the change, you filthy animal,” which would be a quote from the film “Home Alone” and wouldn’t make much sense, but I’ve run out of “rock” references…

…See?  I told you to skip those last few sentences.  You should have listened to me…

The Baltimore Orioles fucked up the Toronto Blue Jays last night- 12 to nothing- and in the process are now tied for first place with the Yankees in the A.L. East.  Damn.  I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming.  I mean, I’m usually great at prognostications.  After all, I accurately predicted that Kathy Ireland would use her success from “Necessary Roughness” to start her own line of furniture and would use the legs of one of her couches as a dildo while she sucked off a robot made to look like her former co-star Scott Bakula, and that she would stream all of this live on the Internet.  Bam!  Another prediction I fuckin’ nailed.

Penn State has reported that the university spent nearly $17 million to deal with the Jerry Sandusky child-sex scandal.  Christ almighty, that’s a lot of money that one guy caused an establishment.  Imagine if there was no Jerry Sandusky incident.  The university could have used all that dough to build a God-Damn Penn State Death Star if they wanted to.  Then they could have set the giant, Penn State Death Star laser gun on Sandusky’s dick and blown it to pieces.  BLAM!  Next, I would have targeted the studio where they shoot “Two And A Half Men”…’cause I can’t stand Ashton Kutcher.  KABLOOM!!!  Then, I would set the laser on Wayne Brady’s dumb, smiling head.  PABLOOOOWWW!!!  Lastly, and not specifically in this order, I would aim the laser at codfish (disgusting-tasting), Drew Carey (I want Bob Barker back), and my own porn collection (I get embarrassed throwing porn in the garbage).  BOOM!  GAZAAAAAM!  FLU-FLYYYYY!!!  That’s how I would have handled it.

The Miami Dolphins have released quarterback David Garrard, who was set to make $2.5 million if he was on the opening day roster.  Garrard has been sidelined due to a knee injury.  I feel bad for the guy.  He’s a decent QB but cannot stay healthy.  Kind of like Rock Hudson.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Garrard doesn’t have AIDS.  I don’t want to be fucking sued here!!!  I’m not implying that this son of a bitch has AIDS!!  I was trying to imply that this son of a bitch is a decent person but if this son of a bitch wants to fight in court then fucking BRING IT ON, PUNK!!!!!  And now that I think about it, that was another fucking “rock” reference!!!!!!  FUCK!!!!  Angry Dave- over and out!!!

Andy Roddick’s match in the U.S. Open was suspended last night due to rain.  He is currently leading 1 to 0 in a first-set tie-breaker against Juan Martin del Potro.  I predicted on one of the Davey Mac Sports Program‘s that Roddick would definitely NOT make it to the semi-finals.  If I’m wrong, then I will eat my hat, my shoe, my left nipple, my dog, my Poo Diary, my stolen celebrity jizz-rag collection, and my hostage.  Maybe I’m just hungry…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Pacino, who was THE STAR of the Davey Mac Sports Program “Drunken Given Sunday” show…which was our intoxicated tribute to the most fucked-up football movie ever.  NOW AVAILABLE on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Check it out and let Al Pacino, whose breath I believe smells like garlic Triscuits, entertain you with his special haircuts and beautiful speeches!!  Oh, and Dave, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O are there and are drunk and farty, too.  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the shit!!!

See you tomorrow, homies!!

-Dave (9/5/12)

Andy Roddick- “So long, fuck-heads!!!” (8/31/12)

 

It’s your August Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Roddick has announced that he will retire after this year’s U.S. Open.  Good riddance, cupcake.  No offense, but Roddick was one of the most disappointing “superstars” ever.  He only won the one U.S. Open title…and then NO other majors.  But I guess that he did get that Brooklyn Decker broad…so that’s a plus.  I don’t know.  I have to be honest with you…I am more fucked up than a Samoan at a Bon Jovi concert right now.  Shit, I’m more fucked up than Large-Asshole-Larry at the 2012 Spanish Dildo Convention.  Jizz, I’m more fucked up than the time I slapped Leslie Nielsen in the head because I mistook him for Phil Donahue (Phil Donahue once raped me).  Anyway, adios, Andy!!

A Houston Texans’ fan fell to his death from an escalator last night in Reliant Stadium during a Texans’ preseason game.  I feel for the man and his family.  That’s a horrible way to go.  Me?  I’d rather have my life end by being torn limb-from-limb by monkeys who have a bad case of herpes and even worse attitudes.  Either that, or I could climb a beanstalk and fall into a Giant’s extraordinarily large toilet bowl where I would suffocate under a humongous piece of Giant-Shit.  Or maybe I could be choked out by Regis Philbin.  You know…something peaceful and practical…that’s how I want to go out.

Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie says that the team, which has yet to win a Super Bowl in the history of the franchise, needs to do better this year.  Well, NO FUCKING DUH, Jeffrey!!  And I to stop shitting in my sleep every time I dream about pretty horsey’s but you don’t see ME complaining!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mr. Oliver Stone, who directed the football classic Any Given Sunday; which will be honored by The Davey Mac Sports Program and The Watchers, LIVE, TONIGHT, at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Ustream!!!  JOIN US for the cinematic-radio event of the year!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/31/12)