Lance Armstrong- “Sometimes you gotta say ‘what the fuck.’” (8/24/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Lance Armstrong is done with cycling and all these bastards who keep claiming that he used performance-enhancing drugs to win 7 Tour de France titles.  He has decided to stop fighting everyone and will instead concentrate on his foundation work.  In other words, “Fuck you, I’m outta here.”  By making this move, the United States Anti-Doping Agency said that they will most likely strip Armstrong of his championships.  Armstrong has always denied using any kind of drugs.  In a statement, he wrote:  “I cannot think straight because of the malicious rumors the USADA is saying about me and…shit, I really could use some steroids right now…I mean…ha…haha…obviously I do NOT take steroids…but if I did…I’d inject them right into my fucking fore-head and go on an Incredible Hulk path of destruction and anarchy…tearing these doping agency-pussies’ fucking heads off and popping them into my mouth like they were a fucking bowl of cherries and WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY STEROIDS AT…NOT THAT I FUCKING DO STEROIDS…BUT IS ANYONE FUCKING HOLDING?!?!  HUH?!?!  I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR SOME FUCKING STEROIDS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Former Eagles running back and Hall-Of-Famer Steve Van Buren has died at the age of 91.  Van Buren played football in the ’40′s and ’50′s, where defensive players were allowed to play a significantly rougher style.  Linebackers were allowed to clothes-line tailbacks, linemen could get away with taking out a bazooka and firing a missile at the quarterback’s head until it exploded like a Gallagher watermelon, cornerbacks were permitted to make a flesh-eating vat of acid that they would dump on a wide receiver’s face when he went up for a catch, and safety’s often kept pet Velociraptors and would release them to devour referees who got in the way.  Yep…it was a different game back then.

I was perusing through Twitter and noticed that Julia Roberts has a verified account in which she has garnered over 460,000 followers and yet she has tweeted exactly zero times!!!  Well this is a formal declaration of WAR against “America’s Sweetheart”!!!  If you don’t start tweeting and tweeting A LOT, Julia, then I will personally make sure that your next three movies are box office bombs, lady!!!  Trust me!!!  I have power, missus!!!  “Don’t fuck with the Dave Man” is what the following people disregarded and look at how karma bit them in the ass:

* Robert Pattinson- slutty girlfriend cheated on him

* Phyllis Diller- was shot dead last night

* The lady whose face was eaten by a chimp- had her face eaten by a chimp

See?  Do you see who you’re fucking with, Julia?!?!  Now start tweeting, bitch, OR ELSE!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to YOU the Davey Mac supporter.  As the summer winds down, I thank you for reading these asinine Reports and listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program(s) on iTunes and Sirius XM Satellite Radio!  We have a new, LIVE, spectacular show on Saturday on Sirius XM at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific…so we’ll see you then! Peace!!  PS- My ass really hurts.  I have shit no less than 12 times since yesterday afternoon.  I think I ate raw chicken (again).

-Dave (8/24/12)

Skip Bayless- “Derek Jeter is a steroid-taking thief and I think we should shit on him for all of his obvious steroid-idness.” (8/23/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and Skip Bayless has Captain America, aka Derek Jeter, in his cross-hairs.  The ESPN talking head/yelling-at-people dude/angry-at-stuff man insinuated that Jeter is having such a good year because of performance-enhancing drugs.  Bayless commented:  “I’m seeing a whole new guy this year from last year…You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, ‘How is he doing this?’”  Well, Skip, maybe Jeter is hitting .324 this year because…oh, I don’t know…he’s a fucking career .313 hitter, you God-Damn nimrod!!  This is why I can’t take Skip Bayless and 98% of those “sports analysts” on ESPN seriously.  I further cannot take Skip Bayless seriously because he looks exactly like Heywood from The Shawshank Redemption and every time I see Bayless on TV, I feel that Brooks is gonna suddenly pop up and hold a knife to Skip’s throat.  Put down the knife, Brooks, Skip Bayless is your friend!!!

Speaking of performance-enhancing drugs, Oakland A’s starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended 50 games for using testosterone.  And for those of you who may not know, his last name is pronounced like “cologne.”  It’s NOT pronounced “cole-in”…because if it were…then his name would basically be Bartolo Ass-Pipe…which would be bad for everybody…either way, he still has one of the largest fucking heads of any creature who is not named “Elephant Man” these drunk eyes have ever seen.

Washington Nationals Manager Davey Johnson says that the team’s young ace, Stephen Strasburg, will probably miss his final 2 to 3 starts due to an organizational decision to protect his arm.  In this writer’s professional opinion, it’s more like they’re protecting his pussy!!!  Bam!!!  Get it?!?!  Because the manager is treating Strasburg like a fucking girl and girls have pussies!!  It’s like Washington is trying to save Strasburg’s hot, wet pussy from over-heating and shit!!!  And then they’ll probably make Strasburg shit out of his pussy and fart from his pussy and…yeah…yeah…I don’t think I understand how pussies work.  I failed biology you know…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre who hit three home runs last night in the Rangers’ 12-3 victory over the Orioles.  That’s three more home runs than this guy, Adrian:

…and this guy:

But interestingly, not as many as this guy…who is former Red Sox third baseman, Wade Boggs:

Have a great day, everyone!  And for a good listen check out this week’s Davey Mac Sports Program (online version), now available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (8/23/12)

Michael Vick’s Ribs! Either this headline is for an injury rort or a tasty, new, South Philly barbecue joint! (8/21/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and the Eagles’ Michael Vick was knocked out of yet another game (albeit a preseason one) last night by some monster from the Patriots named Jermaine Cunningham.  I don’t know how Vick is supposed to win multiple Super Bowls when he seems to get fucked up in every God-Damn football game that he plays in.  If I were Philly’s coach, I would seriously consider putting Vick in an Iron Man suit.  Now I know that I’m just spit-balling here…but I think it could work.  Plus, I feel that the lasers shooting from his metallic hands would be a plus.  And we’re not just talking about football.  Think of all the efficient dog-killing Vick could accomplish if he could shoot lasers at puppies.  He’d be a one-man wrecking crew, I tells ya.  Or maybe we could capture a Yoshi-esque dinosaur for Vick to ride in a la Super Mario.  This way, when defensive players rush Vick and attempt to smash his body into goo, they’d just be colliding with that big, dumb, happy-go-lucky, idiot-of-a-creature.  Again, just spit-balling…you can’t fuckin’ sue me for that.

Breaking News- Augusta National, home of pro golf’s The Masters tournament, has announced that for the first time since it was founded in 1932, they will admit female members to their club.  Yes!  Now if they’ll only allow Jews, blacks, non-Christians, people with curly hair, Canadians, those with slightly-impaired vision, guys with big teeth, Gary Busey, men who snore, animals, Hobbits, people who are tempted to bite into chalk because they think it would taste like a vanilla cookie, circus freaks who have feet where their hands should be, circus freaks who are totally normal, Ewoks, and those who like petting mailboxes…then Augusta would be the most diverse golf club ever!!!  Yaaaaayyyy!!!

The Red Sox have fired pitching coach Bob McClure…and replaced him with McClure’s brother Troy.  In his press conference for the Boston media, Troy McClure stated:  “Hi.  You may remember me from such baseball movies as Timmy, The Bat-Boy From Hell…The General Manager Has Been Eaten By The Mascot…and Someone Tell Marge Schott To Shut Up.”  I don’t know about you, but I think this hiring is the best thing the Bo Sox have done in fucking years!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day actually goes to an owner today, specifically Mikhail Prokhorov, who is the head of the Brooklyn Nets and is dedicated on starting a blood feud with the New York Knicks.  In a magazine article, Prokhorov called Knicks owner James Dolan a “little man.”  Dolan responded by saying, “Well at least I didn’t make my money through the Russian Mob!”  At which point Prokhorov allegedly broke into Madison Square Garden, found Dolan hiding in his office, cut off Dolan’s penis, and shoved it in his mouth.  “I must DICK you,” were the lasts words Dolan heard (uttered by Prokhorov) before he passed out due to intense cock-breath.

See you homies tomorry!!

-Dave (8/21/12)

Silly Melky, tricks are for kids and/or deranged rabbits who like cereal! (8/20/12)

 

It’s your August Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and Melky Cabrera is in some hot shit.  Which is not pleasant to be in…speaking as someone with experience.  I once fell in a vat of hot shit while on my journalistic beat, writing a special expose-story of Fred’s Hot Shit And Warm Piss Factory…which, in my opinion, was not following the residential health codes.  Anyway, after Melky was suspended for 50 games for using synthetic testosterone, we now learn that he was attempting to create a fake website of which he was going to claim he went to in order to buy “supplements”…which then, unbeknownst to Melky, turned out to be spiked with a banned substance.  Christ!  Got all that?  ‘Cause I’ll be honest with you, I’m pretty sure that I fucking don’t!!!  I mean, we’ve got fake websites and spiked supplements and synthetic testosterone and I’m pretty sure I wrote the word “unbeknownst” at some point and my dick has flashed up with little boils yet again that I’m pretending are just “heat lesions” which is in fact a phrase that I invented and has no true medical meaning and we all know that it’s really some venereal dick-plague that I must have gotten from rubbing my cock on the fore-head of a leper when I was too drunk to get a ride home last weekend in New York City.  FUCK!!!

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is pissed off at a video that was posted by Giants punter Steve Weatherford and which shows defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul dumping cornerback Prince Amukamara into an ice tub.  Amukamara appears upset in the video, meanwhile Pierre-Paul high-fives a team-mate and says about Amukamara- “The n—a ain’t gonna do shit to me.”  Journalist’s editorial- I was not offended by the usage of the N-word.  Nor was I offended by Pierre-Paul hazing Amukamara.  What I was offended by was that the God-Damn punter posted this shit on the Internet!!!  I mean, why was the punter hanging around these guys anyway?!?!  In fact, I think I am most offended that Pierre-Paul didn’t turn around after seeing that the punter had crashed their Frightening Football Player Party and instantly decapitated Weatherford’s head right there in front of the God-Damn camera!!!!  Then, Pierre-Paul could’ve carved out the brains of Weatherford’s head and used the punter’s skull as his own personal pimp cup!!!  FUCK!!!!

LeBron James said he would like to play again on the men’s basketball team in the next Olympics.  LeBron, who’s 27-years-old, gave this exact quote- “I did the math and I’ll be 31, and if I have the opportunity to be out there, I will do it.”  Well, daaaaamn, LeBron, I didn’t know you was a MATH GENIUS of sorts!!!  Shit, LeBron!!  You’s good with numbers and whatnot!!!!  Dicks and piss!!  I mean, I’s was a-sittin’ here sayin’ to my Uncle Farty, “If LeBron is 27 years young now…how old would he a-be in four years…and somehow I’s came up with fourty-eight-hundred fuckin’ years old!!!!”  Puss-N-Cocks, LeBron, I’s is so HAPPY you did the math!!!  Oh, thanks ya, LeBron!!  Thanks ya for doin’ the God-Damn fuckin’ Math!!!!!!  Duhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Yankees’ Ichiro, who hit two home runs off of Boston’s Josh Beckett in the Yanks’ 4 to 1 win over the Red Sox.  Hey, here’s a controversial statement- Ichiro is fucking good.  That’s why they call me Davey Mac- The King Of Controversy.  Because of statements like that.

…Ok, ok…no one calls me The King Of Controversy.  They DO, however, call me Davey Mac- The Lord Of Confusion, because I sometimes get my kids mixed up with ferrets.  What?  They’re both small and cute!!!

See ya tomorrow, homies!  Check out the New & Polls section of this site for some very important announcements!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/20/12)

Felix is King of the World! Get it? Because Felix Hernandez’s nick-name is “King Felix” so we thought we’d do like a Titanic-kind of thing and, oh, never-fucking-mind… (8/16/12)

 

It’s your August Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and “King” Felix Hernandez is just plain awesome.  He has floated under the national sports radar these past three or four years because most of his Seattle Mariner team-mates have been living, breathing, piles of shit who strike out often and suck worse than 92% of the alive pieces of shit out there.  But not even his screwy, cum-head team-mates could have fucked up Felix’s game yesterday; as he threw the third perfect game of the MLB season (and sixth no-hitter overall).  Are we officially in the Era of the Pitcher?  You’re God-Damn right we are.  And that’s just fine with the Dave Man…’cause I plan on fillin’ up some pitchers full of Budweiser tomorrow, baby, and watching Let It Ride on cable!!  My Era of the Pitcher happens every Friday, dawg, and usually starts with beer, and then goes into pitchers of Jack & Cokes, and then pitchers of gasoline (unleaded) and usually ends with a puddle of lighter fluid and shit having mysteriously been sprayed onto the couch!!!  Let the Era of Pitchers commence!!!  Fuuuuck yeah!!!!

This year’s MLB All-Star Game MVP, Melky Cabrera, has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for testosterone.  This means that the Giants outfielder will miss the rest of the season, and the first five game of the post-season (should San Francisco get there).  What kind of person is named “Melky”?  I’ll tell you what kind…the God-Damned cheatin’ kind!  That’s one of my talents…in case you didn’t know…I’m rather adept at identifying a name and matching it up with a certain situation (like Melky and cheatin’).  For instance, what kind of person is named “Harold”?  I’ll tell you- the sort of man who would slap a cow in the face for being lazy…THAT’S who!!!  And what sort of lady would be named “Felicia”?  The sort of broad who would give two hand-jobs to a couple of Arabian princes and then miss work the next day!!!  And what kind of man would be named “Dave”?!?!  I’ll tell you…the kind of a dude who would write an online sports article with no pants on and one hand on his genitals…THAT’S fucking who!!!!

The U.S. men’s soccer team beat Team Mexico yesterday in Mexico for the first time ever in the 75 years that the teams have played there.  Mexico still has 23 wins in their home country compared to America’s one win.  Wow.  I haven’t heard of an American getting his ass killed that hard by a Mexican since Quentin Tarantino got shot in his smiley head in Desperado after telling that fucking joke!!  Hey, in your defense, Quentin, I thought the joke was funny!!!  Get a God-Damn sense of humor, Mexico, sheeeeesh!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my son Stan for waking me up this morning by throwing a football at my head…interrupting a beatiful dream that I was having about being in the Millennium Falcon with Joyce DeWitt (1970′s version).  Thanks A LOT, Stan!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!  And we have a brand new Davey Mac Sports Program up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!    Peace!!

-Dave (8/16/12)

Ev & Divorce-o! (8/15/12)

 

It’s your August Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Evelyn Lozada has filed for divorce from Chad Johnson after Johnson allegedly head-butted her over the weekend.  The football player and reality person (I refuse to call her a “star”) had been signed to appear in “Ev & Ocho”, which was going to be a VH1 reality show about their new marriage, but the show has been dropped.  Damn, VH1, why would you NOW cancel the fucking show?!?!  Domestic violence, people getting divorced, a crazy wide receiver who once changed his last name to a Spanish version of his football jersey number- this would have been the best fucking reality series out there!!!  Instead, we’ll just have to keep watching the forty-nine God-Damn Gordon Ramsay shows on television!!!!  And I think there’s yet another Gordon Ramsay program coming out where Ramsay gets so angry at his amateur, shitty chefs burning the steaks, that he slits the throat of a baby lamb in front of them, and lets the blood shoot onto the chefs’ faces.  Then, he draws swastikas on the chefs’ foreheads with the blood and shoves them into his Hell’s Kitchen ovens.  I believe the name of the show is Gordon Ramsay’s Concentration Camp.  Coming to FOX this Fall.

Despite reports claiming that Pedroia and other Red Sox players had a meeting with Boston ownership and asked for Sox manager Bobby Valentine to be fired, Pedroia is saying that he never called for Valentine’s job.  Then somebody is lying.  And I aim to find out just who that someone is, dag-nabbit.  That’s right- Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator) is on the case!  And as the world’s first, foremost, and thus far only perverted investigator, I plan on going to Pedroia’s locker at Fenway Park, and jerking off in his cup!!  Bam!!!  Then, I’ll rub David Ortiz’s bat between my ass cheeks!!  Boom!!  And finally, I’ll take Bobby V’s hat and shit in it and wear it on my head and take a picture!!  Then I’ll send said picture to GuysInShitHats.com and make twenty-five bucks!!  Davey Mac, P.I. (Perverted Investigator)- he always gets his man…and then jizzes in the man’s shoes!

Players on the Washington Nationals are criticizing the management for saying that they will shut down ace Stephen Strasburg this season after he hits his innings limit.  Mark DeRosa called it “devastating.”  That’s not devastating, Mark, I’LL tell you what God-Damn devastating is- getting your dick caught in a jar of glue; foolishly bringing Rip Taylor to your mom’s funeral; trying to compete in an ear-biting contest against Mike Tyson…THAT shit is fucking devastating, Mark!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Albert Pujols, who hit his 26th home run of the season last night as his team beat the Indians, 9 to 6.  It seems like just yesterday that Pujols only had one home run for the season and we were calling the Angels’ signing a bust.  Well, looks like we have egg on our faces, daddy.  Egg, some peppers, and a little jizz…and we’ll call it a Western Cumelet, and serve it for breakfast in Davey Mac’s Perverted Cafe.  #ThinkingOutsideTheBox

See you THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program…LIVE on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (8/15/12)

Joe Philbin- "Ochocinco is a fucking jerk." (8/14/12)

 

It's your August Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin says that the team releasing Chad Johnson had nothing to do with his domestic battery arrest.  That's like saying that my farting problem has no relation to the fact that I've snorted eight White Castle burgers this morning and that I have a loose asshole.  I mean, it's looser than Madonna's pussy, I tells ya.  I mean, my asshole is so loose, you could fit two midgets comfortably in there and have them play a ping pong game!  THAT'S loose, I says!!!  My asshole is SO FUCKING LOOSE that I just threw it over a terrorist and choked him out with it!!  It's fucking loose!!!!

Red Sox legend Johnny Pesky has died at the age of 92.  He was a shortstop for Boston in the '40's and '50's, but most may know him for the fact that the right field foul pole at Fenway is known as the Pesky Pole.  That's awesome to have your own foul pole named after you.  If I could get a place in the world of sports named after me, it would be the 12th hole at the Bel-Aire Public Golf Course in Wall, New Jersey, where, when I was 17, I got a case of beer and somehow convinced this girl named Sheila to break into the course and hang out with me.  Of course, I didn't get anywhere, and the next morning I awoke to sprinklers going off, surrounded by empty beer cans, with a pile of shit in my pants and a security guard calling the police.  I'd call that "Davey Mac's Hole Of Shame."

Boy, I miss the Olympics.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm going through some serious Olympic withdrawal today.  I'm shaking, sweating, seeing things.  I'm rocking back and forth.  I suddenly have scabs on my face.  I'm listening to the Velvet Underground.  My piss stinks.  It's horrible.

...On second thought, I think I'm confusing the Olympics with heroin again...sorry!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Nick Swisher, whose grand slam led the first-place Yankees over the first-place Rangers, 8 to 2.  Swisher said after the game, "I'd like to thank my team-mates, the fans, and mostly, my Dylan McKay-sideburns.  Thanks, fellas!  And, Brenda, if you try giving me any more shit, I'm gonna put you on my dad's boat and blow it the fuck up!!!!!"

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (8/14/12)

Farewell, Olympics! Farewell, London! Farewell, Queen Fart-Breath! (8/13/12)

 

It’s your August Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 2012 Summer Olympics have officially concluded.  Last night’s stirring Closing Ceremony included performances from such rock and roll icons as One Direction (who the fuck?), George Michael (when did he get out of prison?), and the Spice Girls (???????).  Thus, in this journalist’s humble opinion, I ask the question, “London, what THE FUCK were you thinking?!?!  Damn, homies!!!!!”  I mean, where was Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Roger Waters, Radiohead, etc?!  Who the dick are One Direction?!?!  I STILL don’t know!!!  …But at least you had Eric Idle…I liked that part a lot…it made me so excited that I farted on my dog…

But alas, it was a great Olympics.  Usain Bolt won three gold medals.  We said goodbye to Michale Phelps.  And the American women’s soccer team won the gold and then started fisting each other on the podium while the Star-Spangled Banner played.  Or maybe I hallucinated that last one.  Hey, don’t blame me…I was smoking a shitload of pot during these God-Damn games to take the edge off!!!  It’s a lot of pressure watching Olympic Ping Pong, trust me!!!!

And congrats to the U.S. men’s basketball team that beat Spain yesterday, 107 to 100, and won the gold medal in the process.  LeBron James became just the second player ever (along with Michael Jordan) to win the NBA regular season MVP, the NBA Finals, the Finals MVP, and an Olympic gold medal in the same year.  Shit…that’s a hell of a few months for LeBron.  In that time all I’ve won was a summons from an NYPD officer for accidentally pissing on the Iranian Embassy in mid-town Manhattan.  OK, fine, it wasn’t an accident.  And, fine, it was shit not piss.  And, FINE, it wasn’t the Iranian Embassy, it was a pre-school for blind children but you get the fucking picture!!!!!

Now in other sports news, Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson was arrested for domestic battery over the weekend after he allegedly head-butted his wife.  The term “head-butt” is funny to me.  I don’t know if the weed is kicking in or what…but can you imagine if someone had an actual butt for a head?  And then when they shat it would look like they were throwing up.  That’d be one of the benefits of having a butt for a head, I suppose.  Shit, this is good pot.  Anyway, sources say that after Ochocinco head-butted the girl, he quickly slapped a figure-four leglock on the woman and then turned it into a Camel Clutch.  Way to wrestle, Chad!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck, who made his preseason debut with the Colts and looked pretty damned good, throwing a 63-yard touchdown on his very first pass.  I think this Luck character is gonna turn out to be a solid QB…even if he does look like Pig Face from The Twilight Zone.  

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!!

- Dave (8/13/12)

Dwight Howard goes to the Dream Team Part 2…and unfortunately…we’re not talking about a sequel to the Michael Keaton movie. (8/10/12)

 

It’s your August Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for answering my prayers.  This God-Damn Dwight Howard saga is done.  No more hearing about how Dwight is “all in” with the Orlando Magic, and then how he wants to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets fifteen minutes later, and then how he will stay in Orlando, and then how he wouldn’t mind going to Houston, and how he enjoys vanilla ice cream, but then he prefers chocolate, and upon re-thinking it, he actually likes strawberry, and upon reflection, he hates ice cream altogether and wants to choke out small birds because they give him the creeps, and now that he really thinks about it, he wishes he could build a robot that would do everything for him except cutting his toe nails because he’s into that kind of thing.  We have gotten word that Dwight Howard has finally been traded to the Lakers, where he will team up with Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and newly-acquired Steve Nash.  Fuck, man.  That’s a damned Dream Team if ever there was one.  Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for ending this historically annoying NBA plot-line.  And if you have room enough up there to answer one more prayer, could you get me one of those fancy Dwight Howard Robots that does all that shit?  Thanks.

Usain Bolt came in first in the 200-meter sprint yesterday…becoming the only runner in history to win gold medals in the 100m and 200m in back-to-back Olympics.  That’s pretty damned amazing.  It also marks Bolt as the greatest Jamaican athlete since former Knicks power forward Grace Jones, who not only averaged 12.6 rebounds per game in 1983, but also killed six Celtics in a single quarter with her notorious “Death Pussy.”  Congrats, Usain!

Well, it took exactly one quarter in a preseason game for Michael Vick to get injured, slamming his thumb on his center’s helmet.  I don’t know how the Eagles are gonna have a “dynasty” (which Vick said they were capable of, earlier in the summer), if their fucking quarterback cannot stay on the God-Damned field!!!  Hey Michael Vick, how about stopping it with the high-falutin prognostications already, and begin getting your head out of your ass, and staying healthy for two seconds so that your team can win some fucking football games!!!  And no, I’m not gonna bring up the fact that you electrocuted dogs…we’re past that, daddy…but if I found out that you shot cats with bows and arrows then I’m gonna be fucking pissed!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Pietasters, who I plan on seeing on a boat today in New York City for a Pietasters Booze Cruise.  Of course, there also is rain, wind, lightning, and hail in the forecast for this evening…so this will probably be the last time that I speak to you alive.  Thus, in the event of my death, I shall ask you to bury me with a sparkler in my ass…you know…for giggles.  Good eve.

Have a great weekend!!  Join us on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!!  Adios, amigos!!

-Dave (8/10/12)

Lolo Jones to the Media- “If you call me Kournikova one more time, I’m gonna rip your fucking dicks off!!” (8/9/12)

 

It’s your August Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones is pissed off (after finishing fourth in the 100-meter hurdles) that some in the sports media are now coomparing her to Anna Kournikova, aka the “Most-Fuckable-Yet-Unable-To-Win-A-Tournament Tennis Player Of All Time.”  I don’t know what Lolo is crying about.  If I was compared to Kournikova, I would never stop shoving dildo’s in my hot pussy.  Then I’d lick my fingers and squeeze my cold Russian nipples until they looked as fucked up as Mikhail Gorbachev’s head.  Then I’d to to where the Berlin Wall used to be, and I would get gang-banged by East and West Germans alike!!!  Let’s fuck, comrade!!!!

The U.S. Men’s basketball team beat Australia- 119 to 86.  I can never tell the difference between Australia and New Zealand.  I know Peter Jackson is from one of them.  I love those fucking Hobbit movies so much.  This weed is really fucking good.  Anyway, if I could be one character in those movies, I’d be either Merry or Pippin…those two fucking Hobbits had it easy…eatin’ all day…shootin’ off fireworks and shit…I’m gettin’ high, dogsie…if I had to finger an animal, I’d choose a water buffalo, just ’cause…I wish my head was a basketball…sometimes I think my farts are just chocolate gusts of wind…I’m hungry now…my dick feels like cottage cheese…trees are fucking weird…I’m too high…

Golf’s fourth and final major of the year, the PGA Championship, begins today.  My prediction- Tiger Woods is gonna finally win his first grand slam tournament since all the shit with the Perkins waitress and all those other slut-bags went down.  Hey, don’t think I’m excusing Tiger.  He’s a slut-bag as well.  They’re ALL fucking slut-bags.  Tiger, the Perkins waitress, waitresses everywhere, Perkins restaurants in general, food chains all over America, people who make noises when they write, kids who whine when you don’t feed them, cats who drunkenly think they’re dogs, meat balls who come to life…they’re ALL fucking slut-bags.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who I saw puking yesterday on 44th Street and Eighth Avenue in New York City.  The thing that made this man special was that he was smiling while throwing up.  Now that’s some happy fucking vomit!!!

See you tomorrow, #DavePound!!!  This week’s killer episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is now up on iTunes and RiotCast.com!!! Subscribe and enjoy!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/9/12)