Oh, Canada...you fucking choked!!! (8/7/12)

 

It's your August Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and, in all honesty, I am usually not much of a soccer fan, nor do I generally enjoy women's sports, nor do I bathe Tuesdays through Fridays, and I certainly can't name any of the state capitals, nor do I like seeing babies pee, but yesterday's Olympic semifinal match between the U.S. and Canada was one of the greatest sporting matches of any kind since Randy Savage Vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat in Wrestlemania III.  The only way the game could have been better is if George "The Animal" Steele and his big, retarded, green tongue suddenly bit the head off the Canadian goal-tender.  Canada took a one to nothing lead in the match.  The U.S. came back.  Canada went up 2-1.  U.S. tied it up again!  Canada went up again 3-2.  And the U.S. fucking tied it yet again!!!!  And then the Americans won it in the second overtime period with seconds to spare!!!!!  FUCK!!!  I gotta tell tell you, usually the Dave Man does not get hard for women's soccer...he gets hard for women's hair-pull-parties, or women's socks that they've left behind at the house because they were hanging out with Dave's wife and then Dave takes the socks and smells them and keeps 'em in a box labeled Happy Things...but this soccer match was fucking awesome!!!!  U-S-A!!!!

Jets head coach Rex Ryan yelled at his team after his players got into multiple fights at a training camp practice the other day.  Football players getting into pre-season brawls is about as normal as Pat Sajak beating the holy piss out of Vanna White...or Bob Barker shoving Rod Roddy's into a toilet...or Gene Rayburn throwing Brett Sommers off a cliff...hey...shit happens.

Meanwhile, Tim Tebow responded to Boomer Esiason's comments that Tebow should be released by the Jets organization.  Tebow said: "I'll pray for Boomer.  I'll pray for his soul.  I'll especially pray that he gets hit by a fucking bus on 42nd Street and that Jets fans cut his head off and put it on a spike in the middle of Times Square for running his fuckin' mouth!!!!  That's what he gets for being a grown man who goes by the child-like name of"Boomer"...the albino cock-sucker!!!!  Amen."

Legendary NFL primadonna Terrell Owens has signed a contract with the Seahawks in an attempt to make a comeback.  Upon getting to training camp, Owens said that he will support whoever the quarterback is going to be this season by berating him on the sidelines, doing sit-ups in his driveway, crying while talking on a podium, and generally being a bigger asshole than Fred Hitler (Adolf's older brother who...trust us...was actually a worse person than the Fuhrer).

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels' Jered Weaver, who shutout the suddenly hot A's, 4 to nothing.  Weaver is definitely in the Cy Young hunt.  Unlike this guy...who just plain sucks...

See you homies tomorrow!!!

-Dave (8/7/12)

Andy Murray to Roger Federer- “FUCK YOU, SWISS CHEESE!” (8/6/12)

 

It’s your August Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Murray captured the gold medal in men’s singles tennis in the Olympics yesterday after beating Roger Federer.  Murray won the gold for Great Britain, though this journalist knows that he is from Scotland…and that it is bullshit when someone calls him “British.”  To me, British means English, and Scottish is Scottish, and I’ll go to my fucking grave believing that!!!  Someone could come and piss in my mouth right now and I ain’t changin’ my fucking mind!!!  Come on!!  Do it!!!!  Piss in my mouth, you fucking chicken!!!!  Yeah!!!  Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh!!!  That feels goooooooood!!!!  As William “He’s-Scottish-And-Not-British” Wallace said: “Freeeeeeeeedom!!!!”

Usain Bolt defended his gold medal in the 100-meter dash to retain his title of “World’s Fastest Man.”  I like Usain Bolt’s celebratory pointing move after he wins a race.  It sorta looks like Hulk Hogan’s “I’m-old-but-I’m-gonna-flex-my-muscles” move.  Except the Hulkster is way sweatier than Usain.  I think we should all thank Usain for not getting oiled up before sprinting.  It would be gross.  And that’s my opinion and nothing’s gonna change it…you could come in here and shit in my mouth and I wouldn’t budge!!  Go ahead, fucker!!!  Shit in my mouth!!!!!  Yeeeaaaaaahhh!!!!

In some sad news, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid’s son Garrett was found dead in his hotel room where the team practices for training camp.  Garrett had struggled in the past with drugs, but the cause of death has not been determined.  This is just tragic.  Even if you don’t like the Eagles…it’s still terrible.  And if you disagree with me, then I dare you to fart and pour poison and throw dynamite down my mouth.  Go ahead, pussy!!!  I fucking DARE you!!!!  Yeeeeehhaaaww!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Serena Williams who won TWO Olympic gold medals over the weekend- one for singles and another for doubles.  After her singles victory over Maria Sharapova, Serena celebrated by doing a Crip Walk.  This was a strange choice in dances as her sister was shot and killed…by a fucking Crip!!!!  Hey, Serena, get your fucking head out of your ass!!!!!  Maybe you could have done the twist or the mash potato or something other than the Dance Of Your Sister’s Murderer, you fucking idiot!!!!

See you tomorrow, homies!!!!

-Dave (8/6/12)

Lochte = Choking Pussy (8/3/12)

 

It’s your August Third Davey Mac Sports Report and all I heard before the Olympics was that this Ryan Lochte character is the new Michael Phelps.  And yet, after winning a gold medal in his first race, he has gotten upset and finished out of the top spot for three consecutive races.  Last night, he finished third in the 200m backstroke.  I know what you’re saying: “Davey Mac, let’s see YOU get a bronze medal at the Olympics, you red-haired fucking orangutang cock-sucker!!!!“  Well, first off- just give me a pair of swim trunks, daddy, and you’ll fucking see what the Dave Man can do!!!  I’ll backstroke the FUCK out of the water so hard that I’ll look like a God-Damn red missile that has been fired from a Cold War Russian submarine!!  And secondly…did you really have to call me an orangutang?  It just hurt, is all…

Meanwhile, the U.S. Men’s basketball team annihilated the holy fuck out of Nigeria with a 156 to 73 final score.  That’s a win of 83 fucking points!!!!!  And, yes, it took me about an hour and a half to figure that out!!  I first got a point difference of over 200 points, so I thought that seemed wrong.  Then, the second time I tried to do the math, I somehow came up with an answer of “pie and cake and other mathematical desserts.”  And my third solution was simply “NERF.”  Fuck, I suck at math.

The new owner of the Browns, Jimmy Haslam, said that he is “fired up” to be “in Cleveland.”  In related news, that is the first time in the history of the fucking world that ANYONE has been “fired up” to be in Cleveland and that includes YOU Drew Carey and you fucking know it, that’s why you live in L.A. now and don’t give me that Price Is Right shit, you could have moved the show to fucking Ohio if you really cared!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Olympics!  Honestly, I’m loving the SHIT out of these games!  Truly!  My dick is hard right now as we fucking speak!!!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!  Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!

-Dave (8/3/12)

Women can play the shit out of sports after all!!! (8/2/12)

 

It’s your August Second Davey Mac Sports Report and it’s pretty clear that these Olympics are being owned by the women.  Supple…sweaty…big-toothed…sweet-faced…sometimes lazy-eyed…but all around great, American girls, daddy.  Fuck yeah.  The U.S. women’s gymnastic team won the gold medal for the first time since that little broken-footed Hobbit Kerri Strug led her team to the gold in 1996.  Congrats, ladies, we should play one of the USA’s greatest rock anthems, “American Woman”, by one of the USA’s best bands, The Guess Who, on a running loop for you in your Olympic Village rooms and—

—huh?  The Guess Who is Canadian???  And that song was actually ANTI-American?!?!?!  Well, then FUCK YOU, Canada!!!  And fuck Michael J. Fox, and fuck Geddy Lee right in the anus, and fuck Pele right in his cankles, and fuck Oasis, and fuck EVERYBODY!!!!!!  U-S-A!!!!!!!

Meanwhile the women’s swim team won the gold medal for their first-place performance in the relay.  These are some strong-looking broads.  I feel like if I were to arm wrestle any of them, I’d probably get my ass kicked.  Oh, who am I kidding, I’d probably get my ass kicked by Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder…oh, who am I kidding, I’d most likely get my ass kicked and then stuffed in a garbage can by Harriet, the bitchy little red-haired girl who lived next door to Vicki…oh, who am I kidding, I’d surely get my ass kicked, lit on fire, and stabbed with needles by Jamie, the human boy whose house Vicky stayed in and who most likely put Vicky on sleep mode at night so that he could rape her with his little Jamie cock.

Oh, and the USA women’s basketball team crushed Turkey, 89 to 58.  I think if America continues to dominate like this, they should get something special, in addition to the medals.  How about gold dildo’s?  Or pictures of me shoving dental floss into my dick-hole?  Take your time and think it over, Olympic Committee, I think it’s a good idea.

I guess that this means that the Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to CHICKS!!  Specifically- AMERICAN chicks!!  Congrats, ladies!!  You might spend too much money, and violently murder your husbands in their sleep, and use Facebook as a tool to gossip/blackmail/conspire/fornicate with, but you are THE dominant sex at the Olympics!!  Hip, hip, hooray!

Hey, homies!!  A brand new Davey Mac show is now available!!!  Go to Go to RiotCast.com and/or iTunes to get it!!

-Dave (8/2/12)

What do you want, Michael Phelps, a medal???? Hahahahaha!!! ………Seriously, do you want another medal? (8/1/12)

 

It’s your August First Davey Mac Sports Report and Michael Phelps is a bigger Medal-head than James Hetfield or those two guys from American Movie at this point.  He captured two more (one of them gold) last night and now has more medals than any other Olympian in history.  Phelps said after his historical achievement:  “Hey Carl Lewis, I’ve got an idea…why don’t you mangle the Star-Spangled Banner again and then fuck yourself, dick-nose?  Hey Bruce Jenner, a thought just came to me- maybe you should get another shitty face-lift and put the Olympic torch squarely up your plastic ass?  Hey Mark Spitz, guess what?  NO ONE in America remembers you OR your fucked-up mustache, jizz-face!!!  I am Michael Phelps, American…and I OWN the God-Damn Olympics!!!  Rrrrrrroooaaarrr!!!!!!!”

You know, we here at the Sports Headquarters kick ass every morning, Monday through Friday.  Then, on top of that, we do two hugely popular and original sports shows, one on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, and the other on RiotCast.com/iTunes.  We also make a shitload of good videos on YouTube.  Thus, I figure somewhere in the ESPN universe, we could be given a show with which we would dominate the world of sports, comedy, etc.  And yet, this is who ESPN is putting on their airwaves:

This scary-looking man’s name is Wayne Drehs.  And I don’t want to be rude, and God knows I am no Mona Lisa, but three words come to mind when I see this frightening, Milos Forman movie-extra-looking man on television:  “Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!  Wayne Drehs!!!!!!”   Again, I ain’t no Brad Pitt.  Heck, I’m not even Brad Garrett.  But for shit’s sake, ESPN, if you can put Wayne “Ahhhhhh-Hide-The-Fuckin’-Kids-Here-He-Comes” Drehs on the air, then why not Davey Mac?  Just some food for thought.  Anyway, I need to gi—-

—-oh shit!!!  I think I hear the Wayne Drehs Monster a-comin’!!!!  RUN!!!!!!

The U.S. Men’s basketball team fucked the shit out of Tunisia yesterday- 110 to 63.  The only thing I know about Tunisia is that George Lucas love the dick out of it.  He filmed the original Star Wars there…as well as Raiders of the Lost Ark…among other Lucasfilm movies.  Hey, George!!  You do know that there’s other deserts in the world besides fucking Tunisia, right, Big Ears?!?!  Shit, George!!  Stop with the Bob Vila plaid shirts already and take a God-Damned geography course!!!!

Notre Dame will suspend their starting QB, Tommy Rees, for the opening game of the season after Rees was arrested for under-age drinking and resisting arrest.  I’m glad I didn’t play football for Notre Dame, with all my under-age drinking AND resisting arrest charges, I would have been suspended every fucking week!!!  Real transcript from Davey Mac at college:  “Blllllllaaaaahhhhh!!!  I’m fucking druuuuuuuunk!!!  Hey!!!  Hey, fuck YOU, Officer!!!  What are you gonna arrest me?!?!?  Hahahahaha!!!  Hey!!  Hey, what are the handcuffs for?!?!?!?!  Blllluuuuurgggghhhh!!!!!!  Drrrroooowwwllllll!!!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Pirates’ A.J. Burnett who threw a one-hitter against the Cubs yesterday as Pittsburgh won, 5 to 0.  Good for A.J.  He’s had a particularly bad couple of years.  His career went to shit on the Yankees.  He fell down some stairs.  He bunted a basbeall into his own eye socket, breaking it.  His head caught on fire.  His dog was possessed by the Devil.  His fingernails started talking to him at night.  His butt fell off.  And his mother turned out to be a man…named Morley Safer…of 60 Minutes.  Good for A.J.

See you guys tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  Watch it LIVE on RiotCast.com and/or Ustream this evening at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/1/12)

Franklin wins the gold! Jefferson jealous! (7/31/12)

 

It’s your July Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and seventeen-year-old swimmer Missy Franklin of the USA is suddenly an international superstar as she took home the Gold in the 100-meter backstroke yesterday.  And she did it by winning the event just fourteen minutes after swimming in another race (the semifinals for the 200-meter freestyle)!!  Shit, dawg!!  This teenager is one of hell of a Swim Beast!!  While Michael Phelps is blazing up in his hotel room and watching The Wall for the 80th time, and while Ryan Lochte has suddenly not found the gold medal in his last two races because he is designing green sneakers for some reason that even a leprechaun would say “look like shit,” this under-aged broad has stolen America’s heart.  These are the stories that make the Olympics something special.  Narratives like the time Kerri Strug won the gymnastics gold with a broken ankle.  Or when Jess Owens crushed the competition in the 1936 Olympics, in Berlin, with Adolf Hitler watching on.  Hitler, in disgust at a black man beating his runners, apparently shit in his underwear a little.  Embarrassed, he attempted to throw out his ruined Nazi boxers in the restroom garbage can, but was spotted by German super-general, Erwin Rommel, who disapprovingly stared at him.  The two would never speak of the incident…but for years they’d exchange a secret glance…one that said: “Hitler shit himself and tried to hide it.”  Fin.

Roughly one thousand Penn State fans gathered together this morning in order to show the football team their support.  The fans carried signs that had quotes from Winston Chuchill, Thomas Paine, and Vince Lombardi on them.  Meanwhile, one thousand NAMBLA fans gathered outside Jerry Sandusky’s jail cell to show him their support.  They had signs with quotes from Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, and Alex Trebek on them…Alex Trebek?!?!  Wow!!  Who fucking knew?!?!?!

Yankees first basement Mark Teixeira will have an MRI today after injuring his wrist in last night’s game against the Orioles (Baltimore won, 5 to 4).  Upon hearing this, the Yanks’ flamboyant radio play-by-play man and pun artist, John Sterling, commented:  “He’s off the Mark!!!  He’s sent a Tex Message to the doctor that says, ‘Hey, Doc, I broke my fuckin’ wrist!!!’  His cock has some MARKS on it!!  Trust me, I’ve taken pictures of him when I was hiding in his hotel bathroom!!!  The Yankees wiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!!!!!’”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Angels’ Kendrys Morales who became just the third switch-hitter in the history of baseball to hit a home run from each side of the plate in the same inning.  Damn, that’s impressive.  I once did that..but it was a Wiffle Ball game and hardly as difficult as hitting in the Big Leagues.  I also once ate so much popcorn covered with hot sauce that I felt like I was shitting lava for 72 hours.  And once, I tried to find out how long I could keep a hamster in my mouth- 47 minutes.  Also, I’ve sat in the same spot for eighteen straight hours, in my own urine, very high on strong acid.  And that, my friends, is a world record that still stands.

See you tomorry, muchachos!!!

- Dave (7/31/12)

Battle of the Sports Bra’s- Hope Solo Vs. Brandi Chastain! Rrrrrrrrowl!! (7/30/12)

 

It’s your July Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and USA Women’s Soccer goalie Hope Solo has just essentially called NBC analyst Brandi Chastain a dumb fucking slutbag who is older and more out to lunch than Queen Elisabeth.  After Chastain had a couple of critical comments regarding the American ladies’ performance in the Olympics (they’ve won both games they’ve played in, by the way), Solo tweeted:

“Its 2 bad we cant have commentators who better represents the team&knows more about the game.”

Bam!  Slam!  Cock-jam!  You just been pown3d by Solo, Brandi!!  But, the Dave Man has a way for you to get Solo back, Brandi!!  I say you take Solo, freeze her in Carbonite, and ship her bitch-tits over to Jabba the Hutt where he can hang her on the wall like the whore-decoration that she is!!!!!

Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite athletic pot-head, Michael “Cheech & Chong” Phelps, has swam in two races, and has yet to win a gold medal.  Phelps says that he is still “confident” that he will win a race before the Olympics ends.  Phelps also says that he is “really hungry” because of how “fucking high” he is right now.  Phelps furthermore says that he “would like to put on some Phish, specifically Chalkdust Torture,” so that he can “mellow out, man.” Finally, Phelps says that “it would be really weird” if, like, “all human life was just the hallucination of one, giant, psychedelic Star Baby.”

The U.S. men’s basketball team beat France, 98 to 71, in their first game of the Olympic tournament.  I’m glad France got taken down.  I went there once when I was 18…and I had to pay five fucking francs for a Coke!!!  And then, on top of that, the Coke was only eight ounces!!!  That’s like 1.2 Francs per ounce of fucking Coke!!!  What a God-Damn ripoff!!!  I’m not made of francs, France, you fucking pussies!!!  Thank God LeBron and homies shut down your thieving Frog asses, you embezzling European bastards!!!!  Fuck YOU!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Red Sox infielder Pedro Ciriaco, whose single in the tenth inning helped Boston beat the Yankees, 3 to 2.  And a second Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Pedro Cerrano, whose huge home run helped the Indians beat the Yankees in Major League.  Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill!!!!!

See you tomorrow, buddy-pals!!!  Check out Davey Mac on the Glory Hole show on RiotCast.com!!!  Good shit!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (7/30/12)

The Olympics are HERE!!! (7/27/12)

 

It’s a very abbreviated July Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report because I have slept very little this week and I need to get out of here.  There is shit in my underwear and I think some bugs are crawling on my neck.  I am sweaty and I didn’t shower because power went out last night in our house and we also lost hot water.  I don’t know what kind of fucking electric company we’re using but I think it’s called New Jersey Power-Goes-Out-When-A-Fucking-Fly-Sneezes Electric Company.  I can’t take it anymore.  We’ve lost power in our home sixteen times since November.  What the fuck is this?  Who do I have to fart on to get my God-Damn electricity to work properly?!?!?!  Huh?!?!?  ‘Cause I’ll do it!!!!!!  I’ll fuckin’ fart!!!!  I’ve got my pants down as we speak and I’ll fuckin’ fart up a storm, Heavens-to-Betsy!!!!  Don’t test me!!!!

Anyway, the Olympics begin tonight with the Opening Ceremony on NBC at 8 PM Eastern.  I’m so psyched!!  My favorite events include:

* The 400 sprint

* Women’s Beach Volleyball

* Men’s Mountain Dickball

* Troll’s Under-The-Bridge MissingTeethball

* The 800 Cum Toss

* Dynamite Suck

Are you guys excited?  I hope so.  I like seeing you excited.  Not in a sexual way…ok, fine…in a sexual way.  Anyway, let’s rock these fucking Olympics!!!  And remember- the Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE on Sirius 206, XM 105 on Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Have a great weekend!!!!

- Dave (7/27/12)

TAKE OFFENSE - a short story by David McDonald (7/27/12)

 

TAKE OFFENSE

by David McDonald

There he was.  Dangling off a cliff as he desperately clutched the front bumper of his beaten-up Corvette that, like him, had seen better days.  Shane Sullivan had made some mistakes in his life.  This was one of them.

Two hours earlier, Shane had been in a card game, when he noticed a beautiful girl walk into the room.  He had stared at her as if he had just been given a pair of aces…drunkenly, happily.

“Who’s that?” Shane asked Doyle.

“That’s his daughter,” Doyle replied.

The “his” in the equation was The Pock, Vincente Galari.  He was called The Pock because of the pockmarks that were scattered over his face.  The Pock didn’t mind the nick-name, in fact he actually liked it.  He felt it made people uneasy…and that was his job…as the Boss of his crime organization.

“So?  That means I can’t go out with her?” Shane asked with a distinctive slur in his speech.

“That’s exactly what it means,” said Doyle.

The girl’s name was Rosario.  And she was a stunner.  She made eyes with Shane, who was sinking deeper and deeper into debt because he played poker too often and too drunk.  He decided to walk over to her, see if she wanted to go for a ride.

“You want to get outta here?” he asked.

“Do you know who my father is?” Rosario inquired.

“Yeah, he’s that ugly guy.”

Rosario giggled, grabbed Shane’s hand…and the two were in the car, driving on a snake-curved road…the kind of road that one thinks only exists in the movies.

As they were speeding around the corners, Rosario leaned in for what Shane was thinking at worst was a kiss, and at-best a driver’s seat blowjob.

“You know, Shane,” she said, “I take offense that you think my father is ugly.  I also take offense that you are driving while under the influence.  I furthermore take offense that you owe my father $30,000 and it looks as if you have no way of paying the money.”

“Jesus, you are one sensitive, bitch.” Shane said dryly.

“I also take offense that you would A.) call me sensitive and B.) would refer to me as a ‘bitch.’”

“Fuck, lady,” Shane said.

“I also take offense to the fact that people don’t think wizards are real.  And I take offense that animals don’t speak English.  I take offense at being tickled underwater…” Rosario declared.

“Maybe we should go home,” nervously said Shane.

“…I take offense that midgets take offense at being called midgets.  I take offense that we can’t drink paint without getting sick, even though it looks so good.  I take offense that I have never seen a proper goblin…”

“Jesus Christ.”

“I take offense that mud and poo are the same color.  I take offense that doctors don’t like to be stalked apparently.  And I really take offense that you, as the driver, would not wear your seat-belt.”

Rosario leaned over to the driver’s side and slammed the brake with her left foot.  Shane went flying wildly threw the windshield as the car barely came to a screeching halt before it rocketed off the cliff.  Shane grabbed the front bumper.  It was the only thing that separated him from the rocky ground that awaited 300 feet below.

Rosario got out of the car, and slowly walked over to Shane, still grabbing the bumper.

“And mostly, I take offense that you would drive me around in a shitty, broken-down Corvette.  I’m a Ferrari-kind of girl,” she said.

Rosario kicked at Shane’s hands.  One of them came off the bumper.  He clung with one hand to his car, the bumper about to give way.  Shane then reached into his jacket with his free hand and pulled out a gun.

“I take offense that you are an elitist bitch…Corvettes rule.” Shane said, before shooting Rosario in the head.  She fell back, as the bumper on his car finally separated from the vehicle.

Shane plummeted to the ground, the phrase “Take offense to THAT, bitch“…the last words to ever be in his mind.

The End

If you got Cole in your stocking, you're worth $140 million!! Hahahahaha!!!! ...I don't get it... (7/25/12)

 

It's your July Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Cole Hamels is one rich chick.  He just signed a six-year contract extension worth 140 million smackeroos (that's "dollars" in asshole-speak).  I don't know what he's gonna do with those 140 million clams ("dollars" in asshole-who-apparently-confuses-seafood-with-currency-speak), but he could have one hell of a party.  The first thing I'd do if I were Cole would be to take that pretty little wife of mine, Heidi, and treat her to the best Happy Meal in town!!!  ...What can I say, I'm stingy...  Anyway, Heidi, if the Dave Man really WAS your husband, we'd have so much fun!!  I'd eventually loosen up the duct-tape, and take the rag out of your mouth, and maybe even let you out of my darkened basement once in a while.  But I stress, Heidi, "once in a while" means ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE!!!  And stop looking at me, Heidi!!!!  ...Heidi?  Why are you crying, Heidi?

Alex Rodgriguez broke his hand after getting hit by a pitch thrown by Felix Hernandez in the Yankees' loss to the Mariners last night.  He will now go to the disabled list.  A-Rod commented after the game:  "Have you ever noticed how purple my lips are?  It's crazy.  It's like I stole Grimace's lips and put them on MY fucking face!!  I don't know if I'm eating too many grape lollipops or what but my lips are the color of the fucking Minnesota Vikings, for shit's sake!!  Damn!!  It's like I should be in GWAR already!!  Fucky!!!"

The Marlins have traded three-time all star Hanley Ramirez to the Dodgers...and may be getting rid of more of their players because of their disappointing season.  In this writer's opinion, that's what they get for having a field that looks like the God-Damn stadium from Mario Super Sluggers rather than a real fucking ballpark!!!  I don't know who the shit-head architect was who built this monstrosity, but he apparently said "Ivy on the walls and Green Monsters are OUT...and cock-nosed pastel colors and a giant fucking fruit basket in the outfield are IN!!!"  Poo on you, Marlins!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to cows for being so delicious.  You stupid sons of bitches have no fucking idea how good you taste, cows, you dumb bastards.

We'll see you this evening on RiotCast.com/Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/25/12)