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The Olympics are almost here!! What is your favorite event?
a.) Men's 400 (track race) (22%)
b.) Women's 69 (lesbo race) (25%)
c.) The Shitathalon (which includes shitting, farting, and diarrhea) (25%)
d.) Cum-Ball (we can't explain this event here because of a court order) (28%)
It's gonna be a hot one today!
a.) That better be the weather you're talking about, David, and not a warning that you're gonna put your over-heated cock on the sidewalk again!!! (26%)
b.) This scorching climate reminds me of the movie Do The Right Thing where all these people got into a fight over pizza, I think, I don't know, I was on acid when I watched it. (24%)
c.) I love days like this, Dave Man. Perfect weather to spray my cat in the face with a garden hose until he says "uncle." (25%)
d.) It's gonna be warmer than a hot steamy shit emitted from a fat Chinaman!! Yeeehhaaww!! (25%)
Is it too early to eat a steak and baked beans and some barbecue potato chips at 7 in the morning?
a.) Not if you're drunk it isn't, Dave Man!!! Whooo-hooo!!! I'm ALL KINDS of fucked up!!!
b.) I don't eat meat, Dave. I am a strict fartarian...meaning I only eat farts.
c.) Yes, David, it is too early. Have yourself something lighter...like the ass of a squirrel dipped in goose blood.
d.) I like doing acid and painting pictures of steaks in the bathroom stall sometimes with my own shit.
Fuck, yes!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is ready to conquer Sirius XM Satellite Radio on Saturday evening at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!! We're gonna take radio prisoners, lots and LOTS of 'em, and fuck an' suck them to Hell!!! Beware, Morning Mashup!! Watch out, Cousin Brucie!!! Here we come, Martha Stewart!!! The Dave Man and Pep Stan are gonna eat your asses and shit them out of their asses!!!! Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!! Topics include but are not limited to:
* Jerry Sandusky- instead of jail time, let's just chop his dick off and put it in his mouth...LIVE on the Kelly Ripa show!
* Kissing- it's sort of weird when you think about it. Especially when done with a squirrel.
* Dr. Nancy Feathers talks about her new self-help manual- "I Put Candlesticks Into My Vagina"
* Former minor league baseball all-star Gus Furgus reads an except from his new poetry book- "Why Does My Cock Smell Like Doritos and other ramblings from a guy who hit .291 for Durham"
* Dynamite- why you shouldn't light some when walking around in an aquarium
* And game show host Mark Chunky discusses his newest show- "50 Midgets Trapped In A Burning Building"
See you guys on Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Sirius 206, XM 105!! Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!! Peace!!!
I saw Moonrise Kingdom yesterday. I think I'm gonna see Brave today. I'm on a real movie kick. What should I see next?
a.) The Poopinators! starring Glenn Gurky (24%)
b.) Dick 'N' Cock Musical with the cast of the hit TV show Cum (25%)
c.) Tic-Tacs: the Movie (25%)
d.) Allister MacElroy & The Mummy's Fart (26%)
Who is the best weather man?
a.) Al Roker of the Today Show (23%)
b.) Snotty Charles of Good Morning, Homeless America (26%)
c.) Doug Chicken of the Meth 'N' Friends Morning Show (24%)
d.) "Camel" Keith Jerkle of the I Look Like An Animal Program (27%)
I just ate a whole cheese-steak sub and followed it up by eating a half cheese-steak sub. That is all.
a.) I should begin preparing for shit-time. (25%)
b.) Maybe I have an alien living in my stomach who enjoys deli food. (25%)
c.) I feed myself cheese-steaks to get over the guilt of having called a duck I saw the other day "an asshole." (25%)
d.) I'd rather eat cheese-steaks than farts. (25%)
Fuckin' A, peeps!!! Our first ever show on RiotCast.com is now available and ready to go!!! Listen to it through RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!! If you're already a subscriber, nothing changes!!! If you haven't subscribed yet, please do so!!!! Have fun!! Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac to check out our page!!! Enjoy!!! Suck it!!! Fuck it!!! Play with it!!! Touch the doggie!!! Feel the froggie!!! Make a poop necklace!!! And give it to your neighbor!!! Get in a car chase with the police!!! Faster!!! FASTER!!!! They're fuckin' gaining, man!!!! Better get off the express way!!!! What the fuck are you doing?!?!?! I said STAY on the express way!!! You just got us fucked!!!! SHIT!!!!! I'm bailin'!!!! See you in Hell!!!!!
I think I may have hit a rabbit with my car on my way in to work.
a.) Serves that little furry fucker right for all the times he fucked with Daffy. (23%)
b.) You're going to Hell, David. Not so much for running over the bunny, but because you immediately masturbated afterwards while thinking about it. (25%)
c.) It's the Circle of Life, Dave. Just like the time my great-uncle passed away in his sleep and we let our dogs eat him. That was one fucked up day. (25%)
e.) I hate all bunnies because my, quote, "LUCKY rabbit's foot," unquote, still hasn't paid off. Yesterday, while washing my motorcycle, some kid shot me in the ass with a water gun. So I kicked him in the knee and spiked a football on his head. And they thew ME in jail!!! Pretty God-Damn UN-lucky if you ask me!! Fuck you, rabbits!!!! (27%)
I ate no less than 35 pieces of shrimp yesterday. And yet...I have NO stomach pains today whatsoever.
a.) Maybe I should join the competitive eating circuit and crush those assholes in the shrimp contest. Then, when I'm the champion, I'm gonna pull my pants down and shit the shrimp right on Joey Chestnut's and Kobayashi's now second and third-place fucking heads!!! Face!! (26%)
b.) Maybe I'll follow the lead of that retarded asshole Forrest Gump and become a shrimp boat captain. Hey Forrest, move out of my way, Lieutenant DAVE is the new shrimping sheriff in town, retard!!!! (24%)
c.) Maybe all the years of drinking gasoline and White Out have finally paid off! Yay! Fart! (23%)
d.) Maybe I'm some new kind of seafood super-hero: Shrimp Man. Hopefully the mayor will give me a key to the city. Then I can jerk off in every public library that the city has to offer!!!! (27%)
Fuckin' A!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program has joined RiotCast.com, one of the premier podcasting networks in America, and we couldn't be happier!!! If you are already a subscriber to our show, don't worry, nothing will change- we still use the same iTunes link!! Overall, it'll still be the same Davey Mac show that you know and love- except we promise 25% more jizz and 35% less farts!!!! And THAT'S a promise!!! Join us this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the show, LIVE on Ustream!! Just go to our RiotCast.com link and watch the tickling!! And thank you for subscribing!!! Now if you'll excuse us, we have to jerk off!! See you tonight!!
I'm gonna see Roger Waters perform The Wall tonight in Yankee Stadium!!! How awesome will this be?
a.) So awesome that David will eat a pot brownie, kick up his feet, and fart out the wonderful chocolate-cannabis while grinning from ear to ear! (24%)
b.) It's gonna be more awesome than the time Dave threw a jelly doughnut at Pink Floyd keyboardist Richard Wright. Three days later, Wright was dead. (25%)
c.) This is gonna be as awesome as the day Davey Mac spiked Floyd founder Syd Barrett's breakfast orange juice with a beaker full of acid. Barrett would soon go insane. (25%)
d.) The only way this would be even more awesome is if Derek Jeter comes out during "Comfortably Numb" and his head turns into a giant, floating, pig balloon. (26%)
Yeeehhaawww!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE and fuckin' your dick on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! Just tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for the slut-touching fun!!! We're gonna rock it, sock it, chop it, and slop it!! We shall raise our fists high in the air and destroy that which is Satellite Radio!! Then we'll wipe the sweat off of our asses...and do it again!!!! Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!! Topics for the show shall include but are not limited to:
* Jerking off- why it shouldn't be done while waiting on line in Dairy Queen
* Pete Rose- he sort of looks like a hamster
* Celebrity Chef Clay LeFever discusses his new hit Parisian restaurant- LeJizz Fuk
* Media Critic Thomas Bunk talks about his new book- I Jerk Off When Watching SpongeBob SquarePants
* English people- we round up four of them and yell at 'em to "stop talkin' funny!"
* Elephants- the big, fat pussies of the animal kingdom
* Celebrity Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Timothy Feelie, promotes his new reality show- Your Face, My Anesthesia, Your Clothes Off, Wow I Can't Believe I'm Fucking Joan Rivers
* And America's favorite plummer, Buck Walters, performs his famous "Magical Shit Ballet"
See you on Saturday on Sirius 206, XM 105, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL...LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Peace!!!!
That's right, kickies!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program rocks the shit LIVE on Ustream this evening at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!! Join us!! Just go to The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream for the fuckles and suckles!!! We're gonna crush this show harder than a dick crushes an ant hill. And then the ant hill explodes and all the ants get mad and crawl up the dick and into the dick-hole. And pretty soon you're pissing and jizzing ants all the time. Shit, man. See you tonight. The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream
We went to the fireworks in Asbury Park last night...
a.) ...and my children were confused as to which booming noises were the sounds from the fireworks and which were the sounds from gunshots. (24%)
b.) ...and I shit myself a little from drinking 18 Budweisers the night before. Not to worry, I went in my friend's pool afterwards to get "cleaned up." (27%)
c.) ...and my wife threw a hot dog at my head for telling our kids that "this is probably what Vietnam looked like. By the way, kids, you've just been drafted by the U.S. military and you'll be heading into the shit in 'Nam in three weeks." (23%)
d.) ...and I passed out (with reverence) on an American flag. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!! (26%)
Tomorrow is July 4th- Independence Day! How are you going to celebrate?
a.) I'm gonna light some sparklers and hop around until the police arrest me for having illegal fireworks while drunk and nude and having an outstanding warrant for blowing up my neighbor's car. (24%)
b.) I'll sing America's greatest song: "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic!! Bless the U.S.A.!!! (25%)
c.) I think I'll watch a historical and patriotic movie...like Meatballs...or Schindler's List...now that I think about it, I'm not sure I know much about America. (25%)
d.) I'm gonna dress up like Thomas Jefferson and jerk off in the park! (26%)
It's 95 degrees AND there currently is a water advisory (because of a broken water main) in New Jersey. We have to boil water like a bunch of assholes.
a.) That's 'cause everyone from Jersey IS a bunch off assholes, Dave!! SNAPPAGE!!! (21%)
b.) I hate boiling things, David. Water, potatoes, dicks...I just hate it...you know what? Forget about that last item I listed. There's no reason you should have heard that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some boiled dicks that are almost ready. Avoir. (25%)
c.) Only drink bottled water on days like this, Davey. Also, make sure you DON'T slip and fuck a monkey in the ass. And stay hydrated!! And DON'T fuck that monkey...no matter how much you are tempted!!!! (26%)
d.) Fuck it, Diddy Mac. I'm not boiling any water AND I'm drinking straight out of the tap and why are my fingernails suddenly falling off and how come my hair is coming out and oh shit I'm turning into The Fly!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! (28%)
Shit yes!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is back from vacation and LIVE on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!! It's gonna be more fun than letting a snake bite you in the groin!! Hell, now that we think about it, it should be WAY more fun than that!! Just tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 EST (4 Pacific) for the "most wonderful thing that has ever happened to my life since the Vietnam war." - Lieutenant Dan Taylor
Topics for the show shall include but are not limited to:
* Chocolate- it would be more appetizing if it wasn't the color of shit.
* Needles- you want to put them into your neighbor's ass when he falls asleep on your lawn. We'll give you the five east steps on how you can get away with it!
* Best-selling author Charles Wellington discusses his new memoir- "I Wish My Fingers Were Sausages And My Head Was A Big Pancake"
* Comedian Dickie Feathers performs his hilarious routine- "My ex-wife's body is under the porch, Officer."
* Falling down- why it hurts a lot less when you're drunk!
* Botanist Morris Teafome demonstrates how to fertilize flowers with jizz
* And minor league umpire Hank Chalk talks about his autobiography- "I've Forgotten How To Pee Standing Up"
See you guys Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!! Peace!!!
Today it is expected to be 99 degrees in New Jersey. What do you do to cool down on a really hot day?
a.) I like to consume some bath salts and then eat the faces off a few penguins. (24%)
b.) I sit in a giant tub of ice and fart 'till my heart's content! (25%)
c.) I prefer standing next to my friend Carbone in a meat truck...but if I have to the second half of "Layla" one more time, I'm gonna fucking shit!!! (26%)
d.) I call on my friend, Ice Pack Eddie, to come over to my house and put ice packs on me while he robs my living room. (25%)
Shit yes!! Davey Mac, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O returned this week to annihilate the world of entertainment with a show so great it made two blind people fart at the same time and gave one deaf man a bad case of herpes!! We discussed my Disney Trip, the NBA Finals, the Jerry Sandusky verdict, hiding a dead body, helping your friend hide a dead body, assisting your parents in hiding their neighbors' dead bodies, playing hide-n-seek with a dead body, playing seek-n-hide with a body dead, and the NBA draft. Just click on THIS LINK to hear the show!!! It's the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes!! And we'll see you on Saturday at 7 PM (EST), 4 Pacific, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!! Enjoy!!
