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I'm back from my kick-ass vacation to Disney World!! What do you think was my favorite ride there?
a.) Pirates of the Caribbean (18%)
b.) The Jizz-Eaters of the Atlantic (22%)
c.) FART-Coaster 2012! (19%)
d.) Twirl 'N' Vomit (21%)
e.) The Great Dick Ride (20%)
Yeah!! You know it!! We are stomping Disney World to the ground!! Booyah!! We have fucked up Zurg in the Buzz Lightyear ride!!
We have watched a bunch of animatronic hillbilly bears play in a jugband!!
We have fought medieval knights and sliced them in half like the primitive pussies they are!!
We have narrowly escaped with our lives when the Epcot Ball became unhinged and starting chasing us!!! We should sue!!!
And we have taken our shorts off in several locations!!!
The Sports Report returns on Thursday, the 28th!! And both Davey Sports Programs, on iTunes and LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, WILL be back on Wednesday and Saturday respectively!!! Walt Disney, let's fucking ROCK!!!!
See you later, Dave Pound!!!
-Dave (6/23/12)
The Davey Mac Sports Report goes on hiatus until Thursday, June 28th, because Davey Mac will be at Disney World, vacationing with his family!! In the meantime, you can get your fix of the Sports Report in the archive section!!
This is my first time going there, so I don’t know what to expect!! Other places that I have never been to include:
* Pretzel Land
* the dentist
* Planet Jizz
Anyway, I guarantee that my family has a great time at Disney World…that is…until I get detained by Disney Security for drunkenly slapping Donald Duck in the face for “talking like an asshole.” Seriously, Donald has been in show business for almost eighty fucking years, at some point this stupid animal should think about fixing his speech impediment!!! Hell, look at the Dave Man. It only took him seven years (between the ages of 6 and 13) for Dave to learn how to properly say the letter “R”. And yes, in full disclosure, it took another eighteen years to adequately pronounce an “S”. And, fine, I still cannot say the letter “T”…which makes it very embarrassing for me when I attend Mr. T conventions.
And, sure, I still stutter from time to time, like I’m Billy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. And, yeah, like Billy, I have spent time in a “mental health facility”. And like Billy, I too enjoy hanging out with a large Native American man and a small Danny DeVito man.
But I’ve changed, dammit. I’ve evolved. I no longer kick children in the back of their legs and scream “Sneak attack!!” while doing it. I don’t fart into the bread basket anymore…then offer people a slice of Dave’s Secret Garlic Bread. Nor do I make fun of small animals behind their backs to my therapist. No. I’m a new man these days.
See? I now sit on very white floors where I concentrate to have a distinctly “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna touch you inappropriately” look. I also enjoy taking pictures like the one below that say, “Hey, I like shrubbery and staring up women’s skirts.”
Anyway, the Sports Report will return on Thursday, June 28th!! Go to the archive section if you’ve missed any!! AND the iTunes Davey Mac Sports Program and Davey Mac XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio will all be back the week of June 27th!!! See you homies later!! Check in to EastSideDaveCountry.com every once in a while for pics or shit that I’ll try to post from Disney World!! Peace!!
-Dave
Hi, dogsies!!! The Dave Man is going to Disney World tomorrow (6/19) until next Tuesday (the 26th)!! Thus, Davey Mac, Pepper, and friends will obviously not be doing the iTunes version of the Davey Mac Sports Program, nor the live show, Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, this week.
However, we WILL be back for BOTH shows next week!! In other words, the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes shall return Wednesday the 27th!!! And the XL show will be LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on Saturday, June 30th, at 7 PM (EST)!!!
Also, if you are a reader of the Sports Report, we will return on Thursday the 28th with the greatest journalism in America!!
And when we are back, we have some good news for those who listen to Davey Mac on iTunes- big things are in the works!!
It's a good time to be alive!!! I'm gonna go now and poop!! Maybe even do a little piss!! Shit, why not do BOTH, now that I think about it!!! See you guys later!! Check EastSideDaveCountry.com for any photos or shit that I may post from Disney World, especially pictures of me trying to slip Minnie Mouse some tongue!!! Adios, Davidos!!!
I am going to Disney World, for the first time, TOMORROW!! How excited should I be?!
a.) I should be so excited that I jerk off thrice on the plane, wearing my Mickey Mouse ears, while sitting in my last row seat in coach!!! Yeeeehhaaawww!! (25%)
b.) I should be more excited than I was when I received my second Rapey Award (for Red-Headed Male Who Would Most Likely Be Raped By A Gang While Serving Time In Prison). (26%)
c.) I should be as excited as I was when I met*** Carly Simon!
*** actually I broke into her house (24%)
d.) I should be incredibly excited to go to the place that Phil Simms went to after he won Super Bowl XXI!!***
*** I once broke into Phil Simms' house, too (25%)
See you homies next Thursday (the 28th) when I return to EastSideDaveCountry.com (though I'm sure I will post some stuff here or there while in Disney, so make sure you're checking the site)!!!! Peace!!
It's FRIDAY! AND it's paycheck day!! What does this mean???
a.) It means we're gonna get more fucked up than a Meth'd up Pagan in ancient Greece with a drunken hard-on!!!! (27%)
b.) It means nothing. On Fridays I stay in and have a nice, quiet night of catching flies and ripping their wings off with tweezers. (24%)
c.) I'm not sure what it means!!! I haven't been thinking right ever since I told my dad to drop a safe on my head for Father's Day!!! (23%)
d.) It means I'm gonna go out to a pet shop and buy the first cute little bunny I see...and then feed him to my pet snake...who I will then feed to my pet hippo...who I will feed to my pet triceratops...who I will feed to my pet Rancor monster!!! I LOVE Fridays!!! (26%)
The Dave Man and the Pep Ham are gonna crush Sirius XM Satellite Radio so hard with their infected dicks that the entire company will soon come down with a horrific case of drunken scabies!! Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM (EST) on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!! Just make sure you're wearing a Bio-Hazard suit so that you don't get all fucked up!!! Seriously, their dicks are NOT sterile!!! The topics for the show may or may not include:
* Teeth- it's fun to put them on animals when they're not looking
* Syrup- the sugary jizz of the condiment world
* Singer-songwriter Glenn Chonkle performs hit new hit single "I Often Think About Fucking My Grandmother"
* Dave and Pepper pick each other's noses and eat it
* Author Lawrence Flemm discusses his new novel- I'm Gonna Hit My Wife In The Head With A Shovel
* The Gupplee Brothers (Arnold, Dirk, and Henry) perform their hysterical mime routine- Let's pretend that we're a rugby team whose plane crashes in the Andes Mountains so that we can eat Henry
* Falling off a cliff- why you shouldn't do it!
See you on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius 206, XM 105, at 7 PM (EST)!! Peace!!
You see the headline. Don't pretend you don't know what it means. Don't play coy with me. If you want to play something, then let's play Legos. Let's build a Lego toilet and take little Lego shits in it. That would be awesome. Anyway, go to the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes, susbcribe to the show, and enjoy!! It's fucking free!! And when you're done, we'll resume our Lego game...maybe we can build a Lego pipe and smoke some Lego crack out of it...who knows!!!
What summer movies have wowed you so far?
a.) The Avengers (17%)
b.) Pixar's Dildos (20%)
c.) Disney's Jimmy & Herb- The Story of a Boy and His Imaginary Accountant (21%)
d.) Michael Bay's Explosive Diarrhea! (starring Timothy Hutton) (20%)
e.) Dave McDonald's I've Spilled Things On My Dog's Head Again (22%)
Shit yes, chums!!! Join "East Side" David McDonald, Chris "Pepper de Hamburger" Stanley, Roy "Methadone" Shaffer, and Sean "What are you lookin' at" O, for the Davey Mac Sports Program...the "single greatest thing that's ever happened to me." - Lazarus
At 7 PM (EST), just go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream! And don't forget to subscribe and download (for free) the show on iTunes!! Also, for the first twenty-five viewers and downloaders- FREE BATH SALTS!!! See you homies TONIGHT!!
What is the best thing about these polls?
a.) The fact that I can read them while tying my dick into a knot is awesome!!! (25%)
b.) I like how succinct they are!! It allows me to push 5 to 7 more old people into mud than other polls!! (26%)
c.) My favorite part is the POO!! (25%)
d.) Someone please shove something up my bum-bum right NOW!!! Hahahahaha!!! (24%)
Big things are happening for the Dave Man. I can't rightly say what they are at this time...but I think we're gonna have a big 2013. What's your guess?
a.) Dave will star in the new straight-to-porn-DVD, Mr. Red-Beard Has A Spotted Dick and Likes Fat Titties (25%)
b.) David has gotten a job as a writer on the world famous tabloid, "The Fuck Paper" (24%)
c.) Davey Mac and his crew have received an offer to do the Davey Mac Sports Program on a great podcast network- The_Al_Jazeera_Fun_&_Jihad_Cast.com (26%)
d.) The Dave Man has avoided prison time yet again for claiming that he's..."very retarded." (25%)
How was your weekend?
a.) Oh, it was real great, David! My favorite uncle was mauled by a bear, you God-Damned jerk, fuck you!!! (23%)
b.) I can't remember much of what happened. I think I may have injured my brain while playing the fun game "Who Can Hit Themselves In The Head With A Hammer The Hardest?" (27%)
c.) I had an AWESOME couple of days! ...except for the part where both me and my dog wet the bed...oh, and the time my dog and I shit on the living room carpet was sort of a letdown, too...also, when me and my dog puked on each other...that wasn't really fun, either... (24%)
d.) My weekend was actually kind of boring. Rather than go to the beach, I had to kill two Soviet spies and shoot their bodies into space. Oh well... (26%)
Damn straight, homies!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL flies higher than an eagle all fucked up on Colombian cocaine!! And trust me, if you've never seen an eagle blitzed out of his mind, you're missing out on life!!! I once saw one get screwed up on coke and play a game of chicken with a 747...and the fucking eagle WON!!! Yowza's!!! Anyway, join Dave and Pepper LIVE on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! Just tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM (EST) for the insane bird-shit!!! The topics shall include:
* Scandal-plagued politician, Senator Marty Beef, talks about his new book, "Next Time I'm Gonna Wait 'Till My Wife Dies Before I Squirt Jizz Into Fat Chicks"
* The Titty Twins, Andy & Marcus, show off their new set of titty pictures they took of a cleaning lady changing before her shift
* Horse-racing- why the sport would improve if they could eliminate the smell of horse poo
* Low-ranking physicist Edward Dolphin explains his poorly-received memoir, I'm Pretty Sure Yoda Was Real, Einstein Was A Pussy, The Universe Was Created By Bored Space Midgets, and 17 other beliefs that have gotten me banned from science conventions
* Will anyone break Joe DiMaggio's consecutive game hit streak? Will anyone top Pepper's consecutive hour shit streak? We hypothesize!
* Day 91 of the Fart Experiment continues!
* Olympian Randolph DeMuske shows us how to kill a rabbit
* ...and much more fun!! See you on Sirius XM at 7(EST)!!!
We have a HUGE sports Saturday tomorrow!! What are you most excited for?
a.) I'll Have Another goes for the Triple Crown at the Belmont (14%)
b.) Game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals between the Heat & Celtics (13%)
c.) Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals at the Rock (10%)
d.) The Big & Fat Dicks Triathlon LIVE from Missouri (16%)
e.) The Midget Piss Quarterfinals (15%)
f.) Fart-Fest 2012 (18%)
h.) The "Who Can Illegally Tickle Celebrities The Best" Championships on ESPN Jizz (20%)
I ate too much really late last night. Now I feel like shit. Help me.
a.) Drink some ginger ale, David, and then take the bottle cap and put it straight up your ass!!! (18%)
b.) Try farting into a zip lock bag...and then put the bag into the fridge...let it cool down for forty minutes...then take the bag out...open it...and suck the cooled-down fart. That worked for my cousin Ivan shortly before he jumped off a bridge. (25%)
c.) Maybe you should go for a bike ride, Davey Mac. And, hey, since you'll be out, you mind picking up some horse porn for me? Hey!!! YOU were the one who said he was going out, Davey Mac, not me!!!!! (27%)
d.) Do what I do whenever I have a tummy ache, Dave. Lie diagonally on your bed and think of spikes slowly descending from the ceiling until they drive through your torso. Works every time! (30%)
Shit to the fuck to the yeah!!! The internet version of the Davey Mac Sports Program, featuring East Side David, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O is LIVE this evening at 7 (EST)!! Just go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream! And make sure you're subscribing to the the show on iTunes!! The episode will feature, for the first time, the guys attempting to build the very dangerous Cock Pyramid. Also, we shall discuss the important subject of "where to hide your porn from your loved one." Lastly, the topic of Poopets (puppets made of poo) will be broached!! See you this evening on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream! Peace!!
I didn't sleep well last night. What do you think the problem was?
a.) Maybe the fact that you had ants on your mattress had something to do with it, David, you dirty, crackers-in-bed-eating jizz-mop!!! (22%)
b.) Perhaps, when you drink a cup of coffee in the evening, you should refrain from putting some cream and six packets of Meth in it. Just a thought, Dave Man. (24%)
c.) It's possible that you shouldn't let your dog Strummer sleep in the bed anymore. Also, and this is just a suggestion, maybe not let your pet squirrel Chummy, your snake Peel-Boy, your monkey Rabies, your pet worm Dig-Dug, your pet ewok Franz, your pet hobbit Bob, your pet robot Rusty, and your pet dildo Spikey, sleep in bed with you either. (28%)
d.) Did you have that nightmare again where Anderson Cooper chops his own dick off and makes you bob for it at knife-point? (26%)
U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!!
...coming this Summer...
