It’s a St. Patrick’s Day Fuckfest! (3/15/13)

 

It’s your March Fifteenth Davey Mac Report and en lieu of my third favorite holiday of the year coming up, St. Patrick’s Day (only behind Christmas and Cumfest), we shall green this shit up today.  You know why?  Because I’m already half-drunk in preparing for St. Pat’s, THAT’S fucking why!!  Now enough of the shenanigans and let’s get to it!!

* I think the greatest Irish athlete ever is Shaquille O’Neal.  He’s what we call “black Irish”…or rather…”REALLY black Irish”…or rather…”REALLY FUCKING BLACK Irish”…

* On St. Patty’s Day, I often drink so much that eventually I wake up the next day with a U2 album cover stuck to my stomach.  The adhesive that’s keeping The Joshua Tree glued to me?  I’m afraid that it’s possibly jizz, my friends.

* The best type of treat for the occasion (besides beer, hard-grain alcohol, Irish marijuana, green pills, and Shamrock-soaked ether, of course) is Entenmann’s St. Patrick’s Day cupcakes.  They taste incredible.  Especially when you’ve found yourself with no pants on in a jail cell.

* My three traditions on St. Patty’s:  1.) watching the parade  2.) listening to the Pogues  3.) puking in my socks.

* I also enjoy watching the following on this wonderful day:  State of Grace, and Dave’s Home-Made Drunken Jerkoff Porn.  Two great and twisted Irish films!!

* I intend to wear a green sweatshirt if I can scrub the dried cum stain off it.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY, homies!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/105)!!  It’s a St. Patty’s Day Special!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/15/13)

Dwight Howard the Duck is a headline that makes no sense! (3/13/13)

 

It’s your March Thirteenth Davey Mac Report and former Magic center and now a Laker, Dwight Howard, went back to Orlando to face a hostile crowd and put up 39 points and 16 rebounds in L.A.’s win.  The fans were killing Howard with a chorus of boos and signs that said:

- “Coward”

- “Kobe’s Kid”

- “Dick-Nose”

- “Dork-O-Rama”

- “Fuck-Face”

- “Dwight = Poo”

- “Jerk-Head”

- “Seven Foot Slut”

- and “Jizz-Brain”

It was a rough environment.  I can’t imagine facing that kind of animosity…except for the one time I was booked to sing at the 23rd Annual Little People Awards and did my musical medley of songs that featured the hits, “I’m Afraid of Midgets”, “Let’s Blow Up The Dwarf House”, and “This Place Looks Like An Ugly Hobbit Convention”.  Oh well…

Meanwhile the Heat won their 19th straight game last night by beating the Hawks- 98 to 81.  It’s over.  Let’s not even play the NBA Playoffs this year because Miami has the championship all wrapped up.  Instead, let’s have an organized Who Can Staple The Most Toys To Their Dick tournament.  Who’s with me?

Crazy Guy #1:  I am, David!!

Dave:  Awesome!!  Who else?!

Crazy Guy #2:  Me!!!

Dave: Excellent!!  Anybody else?!

Crazy Guy #2:  Count ME in, Davey Mac!!

Dave:  Alright!!  Let’s do’s it!!

Crazy People:  Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!!

A whole bunch of NFL shit has been happening but who cares?  It’s almost Game Of Thrones season, dawg!!  And that’s where my priorities are!!  My prediction for this year on Thrones- the dragons will grow up and fuck topless women.  Either that, or the women will grow up and fuck topless dragons.  I’m not sure which, but someone will be topless and dragons will sure as shit be involved in a sex act!!  That’s a Davey Mac guarantee!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the next Pope, whoever that may be.  Hopefully he’ll forgive me for the time I threw my brother’s goldfish into the microwave.

See you guys this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program…LIVE on Usream!!  Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the shit!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/13/13)

People don’t like Michael Vick! Gee, what a fucking surprise! (3/12/13)

 

It’s your March Twelfth Davey Mac Report and apparently some people are still pissed at Michael Vick.  Vick had to cancel his book tour because there have been multiple death threats against him and book store employees if he goes to one of the locations to signs copies of his autobiography, “Finally Free”.  Geez, when are people going to let Vick’s past sins go?  I mean, all he did was electrocute, drown, beat, and shoot tens of dogs!  I’m sayin’, how do we know that all those dogs didn’t deserve it?  I mean, were YOU there?  I didn’t fucking think so!!  Those 58 dogs could have pissed all over Vick’s kitchen floor!  Do you know what kind of mess that would be?!  A HUGE fucking mess, THAT’S what kind!!  Shit, I once owned a pet guinea pig named Rocky who bit my finger…I detonated his disrespectful little ass with some A-Grade firecrackers that I bought in Maryland!!  Fuck YOU, Rocky!!  I hope you’re burning in Small Annoying Animal Hell!!!  

Wide receiving superstar Anquan Boldin has been traded from the champion Baltimore Ravens to the team they beat in the Super Bowl, the San Francisco 49′ers.  He found out about the trade while on a charity mission in Africa.  Boldin, along with fellow receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Roddy White, is trying to restore farmland in Senegal.  Good for Anquan.  I myself do charitable work from time to time.  I’m involved in the Drunken Brothers & Sisters Group where I, under the influence of booze (and pills) go to bars and tell people all that I know about the Star Wars trilogy.  And wouldn’t you know it, while helping my “charity”, I’ve only been stabbed thrice at two different biker bars!!  It feels good to give!!

Lakers center Dwight Howard goes back to Orlando tonight to play against his former team (who he recently badmouthed, by the way).  I don’t care for Howard much.  Nor do I care for getting marbles stuck in my dick-hole…but I keep shoving them up there anyway…to each his own, is what they say…but “they” were probably drunk when they came up with that phrase…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my ulcer, who is causing me insane pain.  I wish I could cut it out and feed it to my dog…but then I’d be worried about my dog getting an ulcer, too…and that can’t happen.

Until we meet again, Dave Pound!

-Dave (3/12/13)

This Dunk Was So Awesome It Made Me Shit! (3/11/13)

 

It’s your March Eleventh Davey Mac Report and did anyone see the dunk performed by the Clippers’ DeAndre Jordan?  Fuck, was this thing incredible:

Watch DeAndre Jordan fuck the Pistons with this dunk-link that will make children cry

Wow, right?  I mean, if you watched that thing, you probably started jerking off.  I know I did.  I really did.  No shit.  There’s some jizz on my keyboard right now.  It’s disgusting.  But I can’t help it.  That fucking dunk was insane.  AND it was a Clippers’ dunk without Blake Griffin.  Even more impressive.  I once “threw down” like that in a basketball game.  Of course, it was on a seven-foot dunk hoop at my friend Trevor’s house.  And quite frankly, the slam was actually more of a Darryl Dawkins’ move, as I not only dunked the ball hard, but I ripped down (broke) Trevor’s thousand-dollar rim, where it shattered all over the driveway.  Trevor was mad at me for two reasons:  1.) The hoop was made for children and not drunk thirty-five-year-old’s and 2.) I hadn’t officially been invited over to his house in the first place.  In fact, “Trevor” was a stranger named Don…who I think is a bus-driver.

Indiana head coach Tom Crean has apologized after yelling at Michigan assistant coach Jeff Meyer after the game on Sunday.  Crean was caught by cameras screaming “You know what you did!  You helped wreck our program!”  Meyer had been an assistant at Indiana from 2006-2008 when the team was put on probation.  By the way, Crean is the brother-in-law of Jim Harbaugh, who also had his own famous post-game confrontation with a coach.  Food for thought- that Harbaugh/Crean family seems a little high-strung.  Mother-fuckers needs to chillz.  They should come over to the Dave Man’s house and enter The Smoke Zone, daddy.  Get their highin’ on.  Then, Harbaugh, Crean, and myself will get nice and lit, and I’ll challenge them to a Marijuana-Induced-Air-Hockey competition where, in our three-man tournament, the runner-up loses a finger, and the last place contestant gets shot in the dick.  It’s gonna be a fucking blast!

Tiger Woods easily won the WGC-Cadillac Championship yesterday, making it his 76th victorious tournament (six short of Sam Snead’s record of 82 wins).  The questions Woods’ dominant victory immediately rise are:

* Does this make Tiger the favorite to win The Masters?

* Does cream cheese remind anyone else of cow cum or is that just me?

* Where the fuck is my underwear?

* How come my pet parrot Timothy isn’t breathing?

* Can you smell a gas leak?

* Why do I feel so light-headed?

* Who glued my cock to the milk-shake machine?

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Miami Heat, who won their 18th straight game by beating the Pacers yesterday- 105 to 91.  The Heat are good…so good, in fact, that most people despise them.  That’s why I figure if you and me make Miami Hate t-shirts, we’ll clean up.  I just need to borrow ten thousand dollars…in cash…pronto.

Adios, amigos!

-Dave (3/11/13)

Mariano has one year to live! Oops…um…we mean PITCH! Mariano has one year to PITCH! Sorry for the confusing headline! (3/8/13)

 

It’s your March Eighth Davey Mac Report and the greatest closer in baseball history, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, has announced that he will retire after this season.  Which means starting in 2014, be prepared for the Yanks to blow a shitload of games.  Mariano is the best at his position that any athlete has been at their respective positions.  We’re talking about Michael Jordan as the greatest shooting guard, Jerry Rice as the ultimate receiver, Secretariat as the quintessential dumb animal that runs quickly and shits outdoors, the Fonz as the perfect 40-year-old creep strangely hanging around and trying to bang under-aged high school kids, Chief Wiggum as the perfect cartoon police officer who has at least 7 to 10 “friendly fire” shootings in which multiple people died, and Jabba the Hut as the most awesome slug-gangster in the galaxy.  We’ll miss you, Mariano!!

I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately, including a ton of college basketball, and a thought occurred to me- “What is that sensation in my pants?  Oh…that’s right, it’s some fart-shits.”  You see, Davey Mac readers, I have been on a strict diet of grapes and non-fat potato chips.  And, quiet frankly, it certainly affects me in the bowel area.  I can’t sneeze without a possibility of poo coming out.  The other day I was watching American Idol; and when the contestant Charlie was done singing, I applauded for him.  This slightest of movements then caused what I thought was a fart bubble…until I felt some feces sliding down my leg and touching my socks.  It was not a good moment, friends.

The “Catholic 7″ have made it official and are leaving the Big East (the schools are DePaul, Marquette, Seton Hall, Georgetown, Providence, Villanova, and St. John’s).  In other news, the “Muslim 6″ will no longer be a part of the Big Ten, mainly because there are no Muslim colleges in that conference.  And in more news, the “Atheist 2″ has stated that they’ve changed their minds and now believe in God.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Roker, for braving this winter storm and going out into the snow and slush to cover it for the Today show.  Unbeknownst to Mr. Roker, I am hiding behind a tree and plan to hit him in the face with a giant snow ball (really, it’s more of a snow boulder) when he’s live on camera.  I’ll see you guys when I get out of jail!

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/8/13)

Nicklaus to Tiger- “Get your ass in gear, punk!” (3/5/13)

 

It’s your March Fifth Davey Mac Report and sometimes I think the media is asleep.  Recently, Jack Nicklaus was asked if he still thinks that Tiger Woods will break his all-time major championships record of 18.  This is what Nicklaus said:

“I still think he can do it.  But that said, he has still got to do it. He hasn’t won one in five years. He had better get with it if he’s going to.”

Now, the odd thing is that my fellow sports writers and commentators are saying that this means Nicklaus is “backing” Tiger.  This is why you need the “Most Untrusted and Most Likely To Steal From Your House”-name in sports, Sir David McDonald, to give you the real shit.  Nicklaus pointed out that Tiger hasn’t won a major in half a decade.  Nicklaus also put added Pressure on Tiger by saying that he better get to winning already for fuck’s sake.  This is big-time smack talk from Nicklaus…this ain’t fucking “support”!!!  And yet, all I read and heard regarding this quote was how Jack “is behind” Tiger.  Yeah, he’s behind him…by fucking him in the ass!!!  Yeeehhhaaaww!!  He’s got the big Golden Bear dick straight up Tiger and is calling him racially insensitive names while he’s doing it!!  Oh, I know what you’re doing, Nicklaus, you ruthless bastard!!  You’re sick, old man, with all your Tiger sodomy and then bragging about it to your Kountry Klub Klan about how you took the “chocolate man” down a peg or two and the sports media was to stupid to realize it!!!  I’m on to you, Nicklaus!!!!!

For the first time in school history, the former March Madness underdog sweethearts, the Gonzaga Bulldogs, are now the number one team in the nation.  And for the second time in my history, poop seems to be leaking from my dick-hole.

After getting a new deal from the Ravens worth 20 million bucks a year over six years, Baltimore QB Joe Flacco says he now feels “respected.”  Flacco then celebrated his lucrative contract by ordering a ten-piece box of Chicken McNuggets in a Maryland suburb.  That’s a shitload of contradictions, Joe.  You’re kinda like W. Axl Rose, singing about “Patience” onstage in St. Louis while simultaneously slapping the shit out of some fan.  You better not tangle with Tommy Hilfiger, Joe Flacco, ’cause it was reported that he kicked Axl’s ass.  And that ridiculous encounter has embarrassed us Guns ‘N’ Roses worshipers ever since.  You wouldn’t want to embarrass us, would you, Joe?  I hope not.  Say it ain’t so, Joe, say it ain’t so…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Dwyane Wade of the Heat who had 32 points, 10 assists and seven rebounds as Miami beat the T-Wolves- 97 to 81.  We get it already- the Heat are really good, and have really good players.  Enough, for shit’s sake.  Let’s talk about something else…like scientifically creating a new breed of squirrel that has a miniaturized human butt growing on his forehead.  Let’s talk about THAT.

We’ll see ya later, Dave Pound!!  The next Davey Mac Report will be on Thursday because tomorrow morning, the Dave Man has a big audition with MTV for a part on a show he most likely won’t get!!  Peace!!

-Dave (3/5/13)

LeBron to the Knicks- “Sit down and shut and up!” (3/4/13)

 

It’s your March Fourth Davey Mac Report and LeBron James walked into Madison Square Garden yesterday and, on national TV, took a large shit on the Knicks logo at center court.  LeBron had 29 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists, 3 steals, and one blocked shot as the Heat took down New York- 99 to 93.  I would guess that you know that LeBron is a pretty good basketball player.  I would not guess that you know that as I am typing this, I have been putting Skittles in my dick-hole.  Cherry Skittles, specifically.  You also could not possibly know that I’ve been sending naked sketches of myself to Today show newswoman Natalie Morales; strategically sealing the envelopes with my own jizzum.  Furthermore, you definitely should not know that I sometimes light my toes on fire.

Meanwhile, LeBron is saying that he is “mulling” over Magic Johnson’s offer of one million dollars to LeBron for participating in the dunk contest.  Personally, I don’t think a million bucks is enough to lure LeBron.  I think you need to give him at least twenty million, plus a new car, and a high-class French prostitute, and an adult-sized tricycle that is made to look like the Millennium Falcon, and a twenty gallon drum of Astroglide personal lube; and a small midget to play with; and a handgun.  On second thought, I think those last five items are things that I would need to enter the dunk contest.  Never mind.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman visited North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un recently, and called him an “awesome guy”.  Rodman went on to say that he thought that Joseph Stalin “was a cool dude”, he liked “Hitler’s style”, Pol Pot “was, like, rad as shit”, and that Saddam Hussein “probably had a big dick.”

Yankees’ GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle after he jumped out of an airplane.  This is bad news for humans who very distinctly resemble ferrets.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Joe Flacco who, as we were writing this, just made a few million dollars.  If you haven’t heard, Flacco has signed the largest contract in NFL history (six years, $120 million).  Meanwhile, I just got my New Jersey Unemployment check- $317.50.  Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!

See you tomorry, homies!

- Dave (3/4/13)

Davey Mac and Stand-up: they go together like peanut butter and jizz!! (2/28/13)

Well, we fucking slayed them in our stand-up comedy debut at The Stand in New York City on Tuesday night.  We fucking murdered them.  They are dead now.  We probably will be arrested for multiple homicides after killing all of them with our jokes.  I mean, we tried an experiment where we read bad jokes from a paper in order to see if people would laugh…and they did…which means…well…we don’t know what it means.  But it sure was strange.  If you haven’t seen the video, we have two different ones (with different angles) in the Video Gallery on this site.  Don’t worry, if you’re wondering when the Davey Mac Report’s are coming back, we will tell you- next Monday.  That is when we are gonna return with a vengeance.  Anyway, thanks for all the support, homies!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/28/13)

East Side Davey Mac- Sucking it TONIGHT onstage at The Stand in NYC!! (2/26/13)

 

It’s you February Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and, quite frankly, I don’t have time for this shit!!  I just don’t!!  Don’t be upset with me!!  But I can’t be sitting here in my own cum and piss, typing out my innermost thoughts (like the time I tried putting a Fruit Roll-Up in a frog’s ass) while I have to write SHITTY material for my first stand-up performance tonight in New York City at The Stand.

I’ll be performing at the RiotCast.com Night of Comedy (along with some of the people above) and I plan to KILL!!  Myself!!  After one of the worst sets in comedy history!!  Expect no lack of sexist Star Wars jokes…in fact…expect ONLY sexist Star Wars jokes and plenty of lines that have NO punch to them!!  But at least you can drink at the venue!!  That’s a positive!!

Thus, I have no time to work on the greatest sports observations in the land (like, “I bet Pete Rose has a sausage cock”…and “I’d like to see Shaq squeeze a Kuala bear’s head until it explodes”…and “I bet Larry Bird farts a lot”…).  And I have no time to write down my eloquent feelings about entertainment and politics (for example- “I wish John and Bobby Kennedy would come back to life and DP Rihanna”).

It’s time for me to get to workin’, dawg!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (2/26/13)

Oscar The Pirate says: “Arrrrrrrr!!! Go-o-o-o-o-o!!!!” (2/25/13)

 

It’s your February Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Report and the Oscar for BEST PICTURE goes to…

…Argo?  Seriously?  Don’t get me wrong, I saw the movie, and liked it for that matter, but being named the BEST of the year?  I don’t think so.  I found Argo to be a little cutesy at times, and too much in love with itself.  It was as if while the film was rolling, everyone involved in making Argo was farting with pride and smelling each other’s fingers because they knew they had made a good movie.  But hey, who am I to differ with the Academy?  Except when they gave the Oscar to The English Patient over Fargo…or Titanic over L.A. Confidential…or Dances With Wolves over fucking Goodfellas…fucking cunty Shakespeare In Love over Saving Private Ryan…or “fat-and-skinny-sluts singing” aka Chicago over Gangs of New York…or Crash over fucking ANYTHING!!!  What say you, Academy?!?!  You sons of bitches!!!  You take those golden statues and shove them straight up your asses, and then remove ‘em from said asses, lick the statues like they’re lollipops, shove ‘em back in the asses, and REPEAT!!!  I’ll get you for this, Academy, if it’s the last fucking thing I do!!!!

What else can you say about Ben Affleck, the director of Argo.  He basically has turned around and shit on all of the people who gave the credit to Matt Damon for writing Good Will Hunting.  The fact that O’Bannion has a Best Picture Oscar and Damon was recently in We Bought A Zoo tips the scales firmly in Affleck’s favor.  Of course, the last time Ben won an Oscar, he went on a nine-year binge of SHITTY movies and appearances at Fenway for Red Sox batting practice.  Thus, expect Affleck to star in the following questionable films:

* Space Monkeys

* Fart Time: The Movie

* Armageddon 2

* Space Mice

* Butts Are Bigger When Ripe

* Dude, Where’s My Dildo?

* Chocolate Poo/Vanilla Pee

* C.R.A.P.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the Oscar for Best Actor.  Deservedly so.  I really did feel like I was watching Abraham Lincoln walking around, telling high-pitched stories, scratching his head a lot like some bipolar sufferer with lice, thinking to himself “I wish I could just take a shovel and slam Mary Todd over the fucking head with it already to shut that Godforsaken fucking mouth of hers”, staring longingly at Union soldiers’ cock areas, and being an overall weird son of a bitch in general.  Congrats, Daniel!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Jimmie Johnson, who won the Daytona 500 yesterday.  #WhoFuckingCares

Later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (2/25/13)