Kobe Bryant: “I guarantee we’ll make the playoffs!” Me: “Hahahahahahaha!” (2/22/13)

 

It’s your February Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and, according to my sources in the headline, Kobe Bryant has guaranteed that the Lakers will make the playoffs.  This year, Kobe?  Are you saying that the Lakers are gonna make the playoffs THIS year?!  Oh, you funny, Kobe!!  You about as funny as the time I drunkenly super-glued my dick to the Christmas tree in front of my horrified in-laws!!  You about as funny, Kobe, as the time Dr. J pretended to be a REAL surgeon and six of his “patients” ended up dying on the operating table!!  Kobe, you about as funny as the time when ventriloquist-comedian Jeff Dunham stabbed two of his puppets on stage because he found out that they were having an affair!!  You fuckin’ FUNNY, Kobe!!

The man they call “Blade Runner”, former Olympian and legless runner Oscar Pistorius, has been granted bail (after being charged with murdering his girlfriend) because the judge says that he “is not a flight risk.”  No shit, your honor- the guy has no fucking legs!!!  Not only is this killing freak not a flight risk, he’s hardly a fucking crawling risk!!!  Shit, this guy ain’t even a fucking hopscotch risk!!!  Jizzies, this creep isn’t even a fuckin’ pogo stick risk!!!  Fuckels, this weirdo isn’t even a fucking Karate Kid Crane Kick risk, your fuckin’ honor!!!  Shiiiiiiiittt!!

By the way, I think someone is trying to Catfish me.  I got a message on Facebook from some broad named “Lacey” asking me to send her my “phone digits”.  I replied by saying that “I think you have me confused with Manti Te’o, Lacey.”  Still, the more I thought about it, the more I think I should have went along with the Catfish scenario.  Then, I could get lots of press when it turned out that “Lacey” was a big fat man from Canada named Harold.  Also, if I was Catfished, I could finally appear on the Dr. Phil Show like I’ve always wanted…oh well…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to people who dress up as mascots.  Those crazy fuckers make the game better, in my opinion.  Especially when they are on a basketball court, dancing like idiots, and they get pelted by a cup of ice by an intoxicated gentleman named Dave McDonald.  Here’s to you, mascots.

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  Adios!!

-Dave (2/22/13)

In lieu of today’s Sports Report... (2/21/13)

 

…we shall discuss some other topics.  Why, you ask.  Because not a ton happened last night in the sports world, and also I have a case of the shitties like you wouldn’t believe.  Maybe it was something I ate…I should probably not devour rancid meat at 3 o’clock in the morning, but what can I say, I was high as shit, dogsies, and I hate wasting food.

Anyway, do you see that puppet up there?  He’s brand new.  My wife gave him to me.  I’ve named him Floyd because he kind of reminds me of a 1970′s version of Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.  Why I didn’t name him Nick or Mason is just one of those mysteries that can only be explained by a 35-year-old red-headed man naming his puppets while on mushrooms.

Is this coming off Larry King-like?  He has those weird, rambling articles in USA Today and sometimes I feel that while he is at his type-writer, putting down his demented thoughts on paper, that Larry is having some kind of old man seizure that prevents him from making sense.  I’d like to take Larry out to lunch one day and then skip out on the bill.  Face, Larry, you got suckered again.

The MLB Network has this new reality show, called The Next Knuckler, where former Red Sock Tim Wakefield tries to teach former quarterbacks (most of them from the collegiate level) the knuckle ball.  Included as a contestant is Doug Flutie.  I’ve watched three episodes thus far and my main thought is- “I wish that my dick was two inches larger.”  Not that that has anything to do with the show…my mind just races like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys when I’m watching reality TV with no underwear on.

Not only does my dog snore, but she farts, too.  It’s like living with a Pomeranian Homer Simpson, only not as intelligent.  Dogs are great…when they’re not biting your ankle because you scolded at them for “being a loser and not having a job.”  Bitch.

When I was little I used to think that Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.  I’m sure many kids made this same mistake…the problem is…I believed that a cartoon bear caught for the Yanks until I was 32.  I need to stop doing Whip-Its.

Idea: on the success of Dr. Dre’s Beats head-phones, I’d like to design a pair of ear buds that look like little fingers.  So when you’re listening to music, it looks like you are sticking fingers in your ears.  I came up with this invention while on acid, by the way.

I’m gonna go now…I feel faint…maybe because all that I’ve eaten today has been two viles of my own semen.

See ya later, Dave Pound!  Make sure you hear last night’s Davey Mac Sports Program!  NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/21/13)

God to deceased Lakers owner- “Oh, hellooo, Jerry…” (2/20/13)

 

It’s your February Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and long-time Lakers owner Jerry Buss has died at the age of 80.  Under Buss’ reign, the Lakers won ten championships and produced a shitload of Hall of Famer’s.  Also under Buss’ reign, Kurt Rambis and his creepy Warren Commission glasses averaged 5.2 points per game.  Plus, prominent Lakers Girl Paula Abdul danced with and I’m pretty sure had sexual intercourse with a cartoon cat.   And it was under Buss’ reign that Magic Johnson contracted AIDS…probably from the aforementioned cartoon cat.  In fact, it was under Buss’ reign that Shaquille O’Neal was forced to leave the team and then later ask Kobe Bryant how his “ass tastes.”  Kobe never did comment on how Shaq’s ass tastes…leaving us with one of the great sports mysteries/ass-tasting conundrums these drunk eyes have ever seen.  RIP, Jerry!

A police detective is corroborating the legless Olympian Oscar Pistorius’ story that he shot his girlfriend in their home because he thought she was an intruder.  Pistorius is being prosecuted for murder.  I’m very upset at this disturbing incident…mainly because Pistorius took his awesome nick-name of “Blade Runner” and shit all over it.  I mean, this is NOT something Harrison Ford would have done.  Sure, he called women “doll” and “your highness” and was slightly sexist with broads.  But Pistorius needs to ask himself, “Would Regarding Henry have shot an innocent woman?”  The answer to that important question is “No.  No, Regarding Henry would not have put bullets into a model.  After all, Regarding Henry was too busy painting pictures of Ritz crackers.”

The Jets made a huge salary dump yesterday, releasing the following players:

- Bart Scott

- Calvin Pace

- Eric Smith

- Josh Baker

- Mayor Quimby

- Classy Freddy Blassy

- the guy who dresses up as Rupaul

- Grimace

- Beetlejuice

- Jesus

- Pacman

- and this guy:

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to Number One-ranked Indiana, who beat #4 Michigan State last night, 72 to 68.  It’s good to see the Hoosiers back on top again.  Somewhere, Bobby Knight is celebrating this accomplishment by strangling a pre-teen and beating him with a chair.

See you tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE on USTREAM at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!  Go to the Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream for the shit!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/20/13)

Michael Jordan to LeBron- “Oh, yeah? Well, fuck YOU, dawg!” (2/15/13)

 

It’s your February Fifteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and with all this LeBron James hysteria going around, Mr. Michael Jordan has a nice bucket of cold water for “The King”.  In an interview, Jordan said that he would take Kobe Bryant over LeBron because of Kobe’s five NBA titles to James’ one.  Jordan also went on to say- “When I was LeBron’s age, I had three rings already and NO weird, fucking head-bands hiding my rapidly balding head.  Hey, LeBron, we fucking know you’re losing your hair, enough with the head-bands already, you high-fore-headed freak!!  I mean, Jesus, it’s like I’m looking at a black Conehead over here!!!  Hey, everyone, look at the African-Alien light-bulb-face!!!  Hahahaha!!  Fuck off, Baldy!!!”

Speaking of Kobe, his Lakers got annihilated by L.A.’s best basketball team, the Clippers, last night- 125 to 101.  In fact, to start off the game, Blake Griffin scored ten points before the Lakers even sank one measly basket.  Chris Paul had 24 points and 13 assists.  The Lakers SUCK.  I don’t even like writing about them anymore…but I have to…because they still are a preeminent sports organization.  But they really do suck the ass of a retarded donkey.  Shit, I’d rather write about the time I took a ripe cantaloupe and slam-dunked it on the head of my fifth grade gym teacher, Mr. Clarkson.  It would be a cute story…except for the fact that the incident happened two years ago when I was 33 and drunk at a Shop Rite and the guy turned out to be, in fact, NOT Mr. Clarkson, but a police officer.  Oh well…

After saying that he’ll “always be a Red Sock” on Thursday, Kevin Youkilis now says he’s “proud to be a Yankee” (his current team).  Youkilis then flipped a coin in order to decide whether he was gonna rob the bank at Gotham City or leave it alone.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Micahel Jordan, who turns 50 years old on Sunday.  Congrats, Michael, I’d buy you a Blu Ray for a gift…but something tells me you probably own every Blu Ray of every movie ever made.  In fact, now that I think about it, could you send me a present?  Preferably, some money?  I’ll take twenty thousand dollars in cash…thanks, MJ!!!

See you guys Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  Arrivederci!!

-Dave (2/15/13)

Stop, or the paralympic sprinter will shoot! (2/14/13)

 

It’s your February Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and one of the main interest stories of the Olympics, South American runner Oscar Pistorius who qualified for and ran in the games while missing two legs, has now turned to shit.  Pistorius was arrested and charged with the murder of his very hot girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp.  It’s a shame for the chick that Pistorius’ trigger finger was also amputated!!  Booya!!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave:  Thank you! Thank you!  I mean, they should give this guy a gold medal…in murdering women!!  Blammo!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave: I know, right?!  It’s like, is this guy an Olympian…or a fucking assassin?!?!

Audience:  Hahahahaha!!!

Dave: Thank you!!  I’ll be here all week, you fucking assholes!!  Screw off!!!!

Audience:  ……………….

Sources in the Redskins camp are saying that Robert Griffin III could be back from his injury in time for the first game of the season.  That’s good.  The earlier RG3 comes back, the quicker he will get injured again by breaking his leg.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like Griffin…but he’s too small to be running around like a football-carrying road-runner to NOT get hurt.  I fear for RG3.  I also fear for anyone who makes a hat out of Twinkies and tells children to “eat his head.”  Do you hear me, Uncle Randall?!  You have to stop hanging around the park with that fucking Twinkie hat, you sick bastard!!!  And don’t let me see you wearing a Ring Ding hat, EITHER, you son of a bitch!!

Duke came from behind to beat rival North Carolina last night- 73 to 68.  I didn’t get to watch the game because it is Hollywood week on American Idol and the ladies were performing.  Oh, who am I kidding…I was trying to save face just there and I lied to you.  In fact, I watched the new Housewives of Beverly Hills.  OK, ok, fine…I watched a marathon of Jerseylicious.  I need help.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Burger King for giving me two Whopper’s today…and a mild case of the shitties as a result.  Fuck YOU, King!!

See you guys later!  Listen to this week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (Valentine’s Day Special) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (2/14/3)

LeBron James- “Fuck YOU, Michael Jordan!! You hear me?! Fuck YOU!!!” (2/13/13)

 

It’s your February Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and LeBron James has become the first player in NBA history to score 30 points while shooting over 60% from the field in six consecutive games.  Keep this in mind- this is something that Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird, Michael Fucking Jordan, etc. never accomplished.  That, my friends, is huge.  I haven’t seen a basketball player perform this well since Random Guy # 4 in Nintendo’s Double Dribble scored 112 points in back-to-back games against the L.A. Blue Penises.  And who could forget RG4 (as he was known) talking about his feat after the game: “I just fucked the shit out of those indigo dicks…which is kind of ironic…because usually its dicks that do the fucking…anyway, I’m feeling a little light-headed…probably because I’m only 8 bits.”

Speaking of Michael Jordan, number 23 is going to be fifty years old on Sunday.  That’s insane to think about.  It seemed like just yesterday that Jordan was winning Slam Dunk contests and posterizing (with a jump shot, no less) Craig Ehlo with game-winning shots.  These were the good old days.  When a young Davey Mac was innocent and carefree and pissing his bed nightly and once shitting in his pants during Thanksgiving dinner and getting hit in the head by a nun (Sister Cathy to be exact) with a Bible for saying “Jesus Christ” in vain and throwing up on a girl named Christina during the fifth grade dance.  Ah yes, the good old days…

I recently saw the famous Harlem Globetrotters Scooby Doo episode and something occurred to me- Shaggy, Scooby, and Globetrotter point guard Curly were three HUGE fucking cowards!!  I get Shaggy being afraid of everything- he obviously suffered from Stoner’s Paranoia.  And Scooby Doo?  Well, he was a fucking dog, after all…he was more than entitled to be scared of ghosts and shit.  But Curly?  He was supposed to be a world class athlete…why the shit was he such a pussy?!  Hey Curly, grow some balls AND hair and go fuck yourself, you damned chicken!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to Michigan State who beat Michigan last night in a huge, Big Ten matchup- 75 to 52.  This is one of those years where any Division One school can win the NCAA Tournament.  That’s why I’m predicting the March Madness champion to be Jizztown University…which is an accredited online college that I just created.  Suckers.

See you homies this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE!  Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for the broadcast!!  Peace!!

-Dave (2/13/13)

Arrest Tide! (2/12/13)

 

It’s your February Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and four Alabama football players have been arrested; most notably freshman Eddie Williams, who kicked the shit out of some guy, had an unlicensed gun, and stole the victim’s credit card.  Then, he and three other guys on the team used the card to buy some stuff.  I’m happy to see any kind of fuck-up take place in Roll Tide Nation, mainly because any blemish on head coach Nick Saban’s “perfect resume” is a damned good thing.  Pardon my French, but that guy seems like an asshole.  A big, sweaty, asshole.  Pardon my German, too, but Saban seems like a dick.  A hard, throbbing, dick.  Excuse my Swahili but that man seems like a bit of a cunt.  A wet, hot, cunt.  Now, if you combine all of those characteristics, you would get a hard dick going into a wet cunt and finishing off in a sweaty asshole.  That, my friends, is football pornography, and I AIN’T gonna be a part if it…unless I get the distribution rights…and then I will most certainly like to be a part of pigskin porn and release my first feature- Super Ball XXX- Pussy Vs. Cock.

The NFL is talking about widening their field in order to make the players “safer”.  If this does happen, expect a regular season Packers-Saints game to end with the score 117 to 110.  This is ridiculous.  Don’t change the parameters of the damned field, for crying out loud, do something that makes sense…like changing the ball into a giant pink pillow.  And maybe make it one of those special pillows that doubles as a stuffed animal, so that when a player gets into the end zone, he can lay down with the “ball” and have a snuggle party with a cute little cuddle-toy as a reward for getting his team six points.  Also, if I were the NFL, I would put the players in Darth Vader costumes.  Not so much for their safety…but more because I feel it would look cool.  Thank you.

In an interview somewhere, former Chicago Bull and Duke star Jay Williams said that in his one season in Chicago, some players were smoking pot before the games.  Big deal.  I remember once before a court appearance, I dropped a SHIT-load of acid.  Needless to say, I did not win that case.  I should never represent myself when I’m on trial for doing LSD and shitting by the Slurpee machine in a 7-11.  The judge gave me one year.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the International Olympic Committee, who dropped wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games.  I was happy to see this because this now makes room for my favorite sport to be an official Olympic event- the Yo-Yo, Jizz, and Animal Choke triathlon.

See you later, homies!

-Dave 2/12/13

King James thwarts the L.A. Jesters! (Get it? We called the Lakers the “JESTERS”! Haha!! …yeah, we know…that headline sucked…) (2/11/13)

 

It’s your February Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and LeBron James and can play some damned basketball.  LeBron became just the third player in NBA history to score 30 points and shoot over 60% in five straight games (Moses Malone and Adrian Dantley are the other two), as the Heat stomped on the Lakers yesterday, 107 to 97.  This freak of nature is actually getting better and my predictions for LeBron in the near future are the following:

* Averaging a triple double for next season

* Winning two more consecutive NBA Championships

* Deciding to date Miss Hannah Minx of YouTube

* Discovering that Einstein was wrong and in fact E = MC to the third

* Going back and re-editing the original Star Wars so that Han Solo in fact pisses on Greedo and adding a scene where Luke and Leia have sexual intercourse on the Death Star

* Stating that birds did not evolve from dinosaurs…but rather, in an interesting development…that Dick Cheney evolved from a goblin

* In what he’s calling a “reverse Abraham Lincoln”, freeing all the white people

You know what I did not realize?  According to the Subway food chain, this month is Feb-ru-any.  I’m not entirely positive what this means, but I do know that Feb-ru-any commercials seem to be bombarding my fucking brain like D-Day machine gun fire when I’m trying to watch a live, sporting event.  And what is the “any”?  Can I walk in to a Subway and get a hand-job for five bucks?!  Because if that’s the case, I’ll take TWO!!!  I get it, Subway!!  This month is shittin’ Feb-ru-any…now leave me the fuck alone!!!

We got six inches of snow over the weekend, which means I stayed home (except for commuting into New York City for my wildly popular show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio).  When I remain holed up in my house for 72 hours, I actually love it.  Two main reasons: lots of sports-watching on TV…and TONS of masturbation.  If only I could combine the two.  Here’s a thought for NBA Commissioner David Stern- during half-time of a game, maybe show ten minutes of porn.  And not soft-core Skinemax bull shit either.  I want double-penetration, hand guns, and midgets involved.  Thank you.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented online shopping…for I just bought my wife Sixteen Candles on Blu Ray from Amazon.com.  Valentine’s Day shopping DONE.  Actually, now that I think about it, one measly movie might not suffice.  Alright, I’ll throw in another one….I hope she likes RAMBO III!!!!

Editor’s Note: Author of the article will most likely be sleeping outside on Feb. 14th…again

See you homies, tomorry!

-Dave (2/11/13)

Ryan Braun – “Oh, shitties!” (2/6/13)

 

It’s your February Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and former performance-enhancing drug suspect Ryan Braun has been linked to a clinic that is currently under investigation for specializing in PED’s (and is the same place that is tied to A-Rod, among other baseball stars).  There.  It’s out of the way.  Our mother-fucking daily sports-drug story.  Can we now go on to something else more pressing?  Like puppets.  Who else wants to fuck ‘em?  Come on, people.  Identities of readers of the Davey Mac Sports Report are kept strictly anonymous.  We will not publish your usernames or anything like that.  We just want you to raise your hands in front of your computers and/or smart phones right now if you’ve ever contemplating fucking/licking/sucking a puppet.  Come on.  You can trust us…

…well, you really are a bunch of creeps, aren’t you.  We are shocked at how many of you have such sick and twisted thoughts and, by the way, we lied to you.  We WILL be reporting your names to the authorities.  Good day.

NFL sources are saying that the Saints are close to hiring Rob Ryan as their new defensive coordinator.  Meanwhile, my sources are telling me that Rob Ryan is fat.  I have further sources that have informed me that I am not allowed back on the NJ Transit bus line after I urinated in my pants and onto the seat while I was passed out from a long night.  My final sources are inquiring if Hobbits have regular or Hobbit-sized penises but that is only because those sources are on mushrooms.

An artist for Pixar named Austin Madison made these unbelievably bad-assed drawings of NFL match-ups.  I strongly urge you to google his name and “NFL” and you’ll find the link to all of them (AFTER you’ve read the entire Sports Report, thank you).  But here is my personal favorite.  It’s the Bills Vs. the Jaguars:

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes the guy who invented naps, because I’m gonna take one right now.  See you tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE on Ustream!  Peace!

-Dave (2/6/13)

Super Bowl’s cause good people to pass out! (2/5/13)

 

It’s your February Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and after a prolonged blackout in the Superdome due to a power outage, and an even more prolonged blackout in the Davey Mac Dome due to Jack Daniels and Whip-It’s, baby, we are BACK!!!!  Needless to say, I have just woken up to realize that a.) it’s fucking Tuesday  b.) I’m not wearing pants  c.) I seem to have unfortunately gotten a Joe Flacco tattoo on a very private region and  d.) there is a white, crusty substance near my forehead that I shall NOT be investigating further.  What I do know, putting the pieces together, is that the Ravens won Super Bowl 47 over the 49′ers, 34 to 31.

Meanwhile, what can you say about Ray Lewis?  The man leaves the game a champion.  Well, yeah, you can say that…and you can also say that he probably covered up a double-homicide, but who the shit hasn’t?!?!  I mean, I’ve covered up at least FOUR double-homicides in my time!!  That’s nearly equal to an octo-homicide, I reckon!!  Yeeeeehhhaaawww!!  And the only thing sexier than an octo-homicide is a rootin’ tootin’ Octo-Mom, baby!!  Check these pics!!!  HOT!!  HOT!!  HOT!!!

Ravens QB Joe Flacco was named Super Bowl MVP after throwing for 287 yards, 3 TD’s and no interceptions in the game.  I guess he’s going to Disney World.  Maybe I’ll see him there.  And if I do, I’ll ask him if he wants to see the Country Bear Jamboree show.  If he declines, I’ll say, “That’s ok, Joe…maybe some other time.”  At least…that’s what I’ll tell him…but as soon as his back is turned, I’m gonna take a Disney World snow globe that I ridiculously overpaid for and slam it into his fucking head…knocking him the fuck out.  And when he wakes up…it’ll be just Davey Mac and Mr. MVP…watching the Country Bear Jamboree show on a fucking loop…while I have everyone at my beck-and-call at fucking gunpoint, daddy…yeah…it’s ALL planned out…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Baltimore’s versatile Jacoby Jones, who had a huge 56-yard TD reception late in the first half…and then a 108-yard kickoff return for a touchdown to start the second half.  Good job, Jacoby.  While you were dancing in the end zone following your second score, I was crying at the fact that you cost me 200 dollars you son of a bitch.  You’re fucking dead to me.  Sleep with one eye open, fuck-face.

Later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (2/5/13)