Jets to their own quarterbacks: “Bye-bye, fuck-faces!” (12/20/12)

 

It’s your December Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Jets take the title of this year’s Sports Clusterfuck Champions.  Sources are saying that the team will look to trade (former) starting quarterback Mark Sanchez AND release backup QB Tim Tebow after the season.  I haven’t seen two prominent people disappear into thin air so quickly since my Uncle Keyser and his lawyer buddy Kobayashi left our Christmas dinner one night to, in their words, “handle some business.”  My Aunt Felicia gave them a little shit for skipping out on the main course (a slowly-cooked goose), and because of it, Uncle Keyser proceeded to shoot all of Aunt Felicia’s Christmas nick-nacks in the head.  Uncle Keyser then stopped limping for some reason (I chalked it up to a Christmas Miracle), and lit himself a cigarette with his “bad hand”, as he called it, but which clearly looked to work just fine to me.  Anyway, he said to me, “Merry Christmas, Detective Kujan,” (which is not my name) and like THAT…he’s gone.

The best team in Los Angeles, by far and away, is…

…your L.A. Fucking Clippers, dawg!!!  Hey Kobe, how does Chris Paul’s ass taste?!  The Clips have won eleven in a row and are 19 and 6 overall.  Somewhere Clippers fan Billy Crystal is doing little cartwheels live on television as he goes from channel to channel, show to show, plugging that God-awful-looking movie he’s doing with Bette Midler.  I believe it’s called Parental Guidance, and in one scene he wears a backwards hat and sunglasses and starts talking like a black man to identify with his white grandchildren.  Never has there been such an uncomfortable moment in pop culture since TV execs tried to put a dog named Poochie in the middle of an Itchy and Scratchy episode.

Meanwhile, the Thunder have also played excellent hoops, winning 12 straight games.  Last night, Oklahoma City superstar Kevin Durant scored 41 points, grabbed 13 rebounds, and blocked two shots.  That guy is fucking great.  And so is his motion-picture debut in the film Thunderstruck, where he switches bodies with a little white spaz who always wanted to be a good basketball player.  I’m telling you folks, I CRIED when watching this movie…but that was mainly because a dog was biting my dick.  In fact, I’m crying right now as I write this…but again…that’s because a dog is biting my dick…and I’m drunk.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Carmelo Anthony, who returned from injury to score 31 points in the Knicks’ 100 to 86 win over the Nets.  Carmelo had a fantastic game…I just wish he would switch bodies with a white boy in order to compete with Durant.  I have an idea- he does Durant one better and switches bodies with a little, retarded, white midget!!  Then, we’d be saying Academy Award-winner Carmelo Anthony!!  Bam!!

See ya, Dave Pound!!  And go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes now for the Davey Mac Sports Program Christmas And Other Random Holidays Spectacular!!  NOW available (for free)!!  The Davey Mac show- voted BEST SHOWS OF 2012 by iTunes!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/20/12)

Sanchez OUT! McElroy IN! Peppers & Onions IN! Painful poops OUT! (12/19/12)

 

It’s your December Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and it’s official- Mark Sanchez (the Jets’ eight million dollar quarterback) stinks and will be starting the game on the bench like a piece of poop floating in a toilet bowl, waiting to be flushed.  The Jets have announced that the high-priced/overpaid Sanchez will be sidelined for third-stringer Greg McElroy.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow (the rightful BACKUP QB) is reportedly as pissed as a retarded Ewok at not being given the starting job.  Tebow commented disappointedly: “I do everything for this fucking organization.  ‘Send Tebow off to do this.  Send Tebow off to do that.  Let Tebow take care of some Mickey Mouse Christian Retreat somewhere!  I’m the backup QB and I was STEPPED OVER!!”  Upon hearing the remarks, McElroy said: “It’s the way Rex wanted it.”  To which Tebow replied: “It’s not the way I wanted it!!!”  After the press conference, McElroy had Tebow shot in the head while Tebow was fishing and reciting a “Hail Mary”.

Meanwhile, following Sanchez’s dreadful performance on Monday Night Football, we have learned that the horrible quarterback was threatened on Twitter by a user named “Brave Grancru” who tweeted:

“DON’T COME TO PRACTICE WEDNESDAY I PROMISE YOU BULLETS EVERYWHERE…@Mark_Sanchez”.

He then followed that tweet with:  “SANCHEZ BETTER HAVE ARMED SECURITY AT PRACTICE !! YOU THINK IMMA SIT HERE & WATCH THIS BULLS— ??” 

Finally, this gentleman tweeted a photo of himself (in a Jets hat, by the way) with the caption:  “TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR KILLER !! WEDNESDAY NIGHT NIGHT…”  

Ouch!  I would say that this is shocking, but then again, it IS a Jets fan!!!  BAM!!!  I mean, that’s like being surprised that a Neo-Nazi Skinhead might not hold the door for a Jewish person!!!  BOOM!!  It’s like being taken off guard that Emmanuel Lewis would be the headliner of a Black Midgets From the ’80′s Convention (especially now that Gary Coleman is dead)!!!  THWAM!!   It’s like being amazed by Davey Mac farting in the face of a baby!!  FLURG!!!  J-E-T-S  F-A-N-S  =  A-S-S-H-O-L-E-S!  SPLAZZZ!!!

Speaking of Twitter, USA Today is reporting that LSU coach Les Miles is the most popular college football coach on Twitter with over 87,000 followers, some 6,000 more than Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly.  It’s good to see such a distinguished newspaper as USA Today concentrating on…oh, I don’t know…fucking BULLSHIT!!!  I mean what the hay kind of story is this?!  Next they’re gonna be telling me that Joe Torre is the most popular former baseball manager on Instagram!!!  Well you fucking LISTEN UP, USA Today!!  Unless you report that we can see nipple shots or cock pics of Joe Torre on Instragram, we SHAN’T pay attention to your tedious articles!!  Now, it we do get to see said photos, please email us at Didvod@gmail.com!!  Thank you!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  TONIGHT is our last ONLINE show of the year and we want YOU to join us!!  Hang out with Dave, Pepper, Sean O & Roy Shaffer for the Davey Mac Sports Program Christmas And Other Random Holidays Spectacular!!  LIVE!!  THIS EVENING on USTREAM!!  7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  See you guys there for some fucked up shit!!

-Dave (12/19/12)

Linsanity returns to New York! Promptly shits on Knicks! (12/18/12)

 

It’s your December Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Jeremy Lin returned to Madison Square Garden last night and led the Rockets to a 109 – 96 victory over the Knicks.  Lin had 22 points and 8 assists while getting cheered by the New York crowd.  I have to tell you, I miss Lin.  It’s not that the Knicks’ point guards have done a poor job this year.  In fact, both Jason Kidd and Raymond Felton have played well.  But you can’t make fun nick-names with them the way you can with Linsanity.  What are we supposed to do with Felton?!  Fel-ton-enal?!  See?!  You have no idea what I’m talking about!!!  I was trying to cross “Felton” and “phenomenal”!!!  But it didn’t make any fucking sense!!!  It was fucking confusing!!!  As for Kidd, what are we supposed to say- Kidd Rate?!  What I was attempting to do there was cross “Kidd” with “first-rate” but it came WAY too close to sounding like a name that Jerry Sandusky was convicted for!!!  You can’t fucking win!!!

The Jets lost any chance of making the playoffs yesterday with a 14 to 10 defeat against the Memphis Titans on Monday Night Football.  Mark Sanchez threw four interceptions in the game.  Sanchez stinks.  He stinks like a guy who hasn’t bathed in a while…resulting in him becoming dirty…and thus making him…”Dirty Sanchez”.  Sorry.  I know that was a long way to go for that one.  I guess I just really, REALLY miss the Linsanity word-play afterall.  Anyway, the Jets failed horribly this year:  the Tebow debacle.  The decline of Sanchez.  Rex Ryan jerking off on women’s shoe catalogs.  Fireman Ed getting sodomized by Policeman Pete.  Paul McCartney being so disgusted at the team that he released a statement saying: “I will never again play the song ‘Jet’ live.  Furthermore, I shall cut my own dick off and mail it to David Blaine.”  Yup, it’s been a TOUGH year for the Jets.

The NFL announced that Robert Griffin III’s jersey has sold more than any other player’s jersey in a single season since the league started keeping track of sales six years ago.  That’s more sales than Peyton Manning.  More than Tom Brady.  Even more than Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes!!  Even MORE jersey’s than Texas State’s Paul Blake OR Scott Bakula’s!!!  More than Bugs “Suspended For Steroids” Bunny’s jersey!!!  More than MY jersey from the Princeton Mental Health Facility For Unstable People’s Football Team!!!  That’s a LOT of fucking jersey’s!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Syracuse head basketball coach Jim Boeheim who won his 900th game last night in the Orange’s 72 to 68 victory over Detroit University.  Boeheim now becomes just the third coach in college hoops history to win 900 games; Mike Krzyzewski (936) and Bob Knight (902) are the other two.  Congratulations, Jim Boeheim, even if you do look like Benjamin Franklin…or at the very least…some creepy Ben Franklin impersonator who grabbed my Aunt Tonya’s ass when we visited Philadelphia.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (12/18/12)

Kaepernick outduels/pets Brady! (12/17/12)

 

It’s your December Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 49′ers beat the Patriots last night, 41 to 34, behind more solid play from San Francisco rookie QB, Colin Kaepernick, who threw 4 touchdowns.  After the game, Kaepernick found Tom Brady, and began creepily rubbing his head as if he were in a quarterback petting zoo (as captured in the photo above).  Kaepernick then fed some popcorn to Brady, who happily responded by wagging his tail.  Kapernick then waved goodbye to Brady; not realizing that once all the kids were gone, Brady had been scheduled to be slaughtered and cooked for breakfast.

The Giants were absolutely annihilated by the Falcons yesterday- 34 to nothing.  I watched the first two quarters before I turned it off.  I knew the game was over.  Instead, I turned on an Ancients Behaving Badly marathon on H2.  I don’t know if you are familiar with this show (or channel for the matter), but it’s fucking awesome.  You end up learning a tremendous amount of information.  For instance, it turns out that Caligula was very unstable!!!  Who woulda thunk it?!  I mean, I always thought a Roman emperor who fucked his sisters, murdered children, talked to animals as if they were people, and had schizophrenia was actually quite stable!!!  Well, I’ll fucking be!!!

Meanwhile the Redskins and Cowboys won; meaning that the Giants, Washington, and Dallas are in a tie for first in the NFC East with two games to play.  I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen with this division.  I honestly don’t have a clue.  I don’t know much in general.  I don’t know how to pronounce the word “hamburger”.  I don’t know what a cactus is.  I don’t know how to use a fork.  I don’t know who Thomas Jefferson was.  I don’t know how to blow my nose.  I don’t know what the spots on my dick are called.  I…just…don’t…know.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Vikings running back Adrian Peterson who ran for 212 yards and a touchdown as Minnesota beat the Rams, 36 to 22.  After having major knee surgery a year ago, Peterson is 294 yards (with two games to play) away from breaking the single-season rushing record (Eric Dickerson- 2,105).  I hope he gets it.  And I hope I get a house-dwarf for Christmas…I need someone new and challenging who I can play hide-n-seek with and also have massage my feet.  Thank you, Santa.

See you homies tomorrow!!

-Dave (12/17/12)

The Warriors beat the Heat…and the Rogues! (12/13/12)

 

It’s your December Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the surprise of the NBA this year, the Golden State Warriors, shocked the Miami Heat with a last-second 97 to 95 win on Miami’s floor; giving the Heat just their second home loss this season.  I must confess, I did not watch this game because the 12-12-12 Concert was on TV…and I was busy punching myself in the dick out of sheer euphoria from the collaboration between Roger Waters and Eddie Vedder for “Comfortably Numb”.  It was honestly was so good that, after multiple hits, I’m sure that I have caused chronic erectile dysfunction!!  Yeehhaaww!!!

Tom Watson has been named the 2014 Ryder Cup team captain.  At 63 years of age, he will become the oldest golfer to hold that position.  Good for Watson; he seems like a good guy.  Watson has always done things in a gentlemanly manner…whether it’s winning the U.S. Open, or getting yelled at by that asshole Sherlock Holmes, or using his computer-brain to win Jeopardy, or getting fucked by the guy who plays Ron Weasley…Watson is class-personified.

The Yankees’ future Hall of Fame closer, Mariano Rivera, who missed the vast majority of last season, has said that he will be ready to pitch on Opening Day.  I love Mariano.  Like Tom Watson, he is class personified.  Though I do not think he was ever fucked by Ron Weasley.  Anyway, I admire anyone who comes back from injury and performs well.  The player I was most in awe of was Bobby Ojeda of the Mets who had the tip of his left middle finger cut off in a bar in 1988…yet still came back in ’89 to pitch well.  Then, in 1990, he had his left leg severed while in a pub…but the next year he was back in uniform!  Finally, in 1992, Ojeda had his dick chopped off while in a speakeasy…he then won TWO games in ’93!!  Great job, Ojeda!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Paul McCartney, who jammed with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, and Pat Smear last night at the 12-12-12 Benefit Concert to create a sort of insane Beatles-Nirvana hybrid supergroup that blew my fucking head off.  If you or someone you know has seen my head, please call 1-888-Dave-Head.  Thank you.

See you later, Dave Pound!!  Enjoy a brand new episode of “The Best Show Ever”, the Davey Mac Sports Program, NOW available (for free) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Check it out!!

-Dave (12/13/12)

Battle of New York Episode II – The Lee Spikes Back (12/12/12)

 

It’s your December Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and these new “Battles of New York” games are, quite frankly, fucking great.  The first match-up earlier this season between the Knicks and Nets went to overtime and saw the Nets winning.  In this second contest, the game came right down to the wire before Jason Kidd of the Knicks hit a three-pointer to give Manhattan a 100 to 97 victory over Brooklyn.  After the game, Spike Lee (a Knicks loyalist) was heard gloating until Jay Z (part owner of the Nets) was seen popping several caps in Lee’s ass.  Jay Z then promised to dedicate his new single to the dead film director, shortly before allowing two rottweilers to eat Lee’s face while Beyonce pissed on him.  The NBA- it’s faaaaaaantastic!

Magic Johnson took another shot at the Lakers yesterday by saying that they are not using All-Star Pau Gasol correctly.  Magic stated: “I think (coach) Mike D’Antoni is half-retarded.  Seriously.  Why does he have Gasol on the free throw line when he is a low-post player.  Maybe he’s full-retarded.  I don’t know.  How does one check to see if someone is full or half-retarded?  Is there, like, a special Retard Kit that one can buy to find out the level of retard that a person is?  If there isn’t then, dammit, I know my next business enterprise: the FIRST EVER Magic Johnson What Kind Of Retard Are You Kit & Retard Detection Machine!!!  Only $19.95!!  Here’s how to order!!!”

Former NFL Commissioner and the arbitrator in the Saints Bounty Gate case, Paul Tagliabue, over-turned the suspensions of the players involved.  They are now eligible to play and yada, yada, fart, shit, poo, jizz…seriously, does ANYONE care about this story anymore?  It was news when it first happened almost a YEAR ago, but we’re done with it…just like we’re done with Gangnam Style, wiping our asses every time we go number two, looking animals in the eye, writing good checks, wearing clean clothes, being considerate to old people, and refraining from touching folks on the subway…we’re fucking DONE with all of it!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Bloomington South High School girls basketball team who beat their opponent, Arlington High School, 107 to fucking TWO!!!  You heard that right!!  Bloomington beat those slut-pigs Arlington by 105 fucking points!!  That, my friends, is a BLOW OUT.  And to the ladies of Arlington- I suggest giving up hoops and spending your time on doing something more productive…like stripping…as long as you’re of legal age, that is!!!

See you guys later!!

-Dave (12/12/12)

Tom Brady- “I’m Gonna Fuck The Shit Outta Texans D!” (12/11/12)

 

It’s your December Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and Tom Brady just showed the Houston Texans who’s boss.  Brady threw four touchdowns against Houston on Monday Night Football as the Patriots won, 42 to 14.  Brady said after the game- “I don’t want to be gross, but I hope (Texans QB) Matt Schaub liked the taste of my jizz.  Again, I don’t want to be disgusting but I REALLY hope the city of Houston enjoyed eating my shit.  Lastly, I don’t want to be nauseating but I really, REALLY hope that the state of Texas was pleased to suck my farts through my bloody asshole that I purposely made bleed by wiping with sand-paper and sticking push-pins in my anus so that I could get extra-bloody farts for Texas to suck on.  Man, on second thought…maybe I DID want to be gross just then…sorry…”

San Francisco 49′ers running back Brandon Jacobs has been suspended by coach Jim Harbaugh for three games following a plethora of tweets by Jacobs that said that he wasn’t getting the ball enough, was generally critical of the Niners, and that he missed his old team, the Giants.  Jacobs even put a picture of himself in a Giants’ uniform on Instagram recently.  I understand this.  I sometimes miss places that I used to work at.  For instance, I recently wrote an email to my former boss, Captain Bucky, thanking him for all the years he allowed me to work at Captain Bucky’s Sucky & Fucky Hardcore Toy Store.  He allowed me to personally clean all the used pocket pussies with my bare hands!!  Thanks, Captain Bucky!

The Mets have resumed talks with their Cy Young-winner, R.A. Dickey.  No word yet if they plan on re-signing B.J. Cocky, but word is that they may trade for All Star catcher I.P. Freely, and possibly call up minor league shortstop phenom I.M Cunty, that is, unless they acquire middle infielder R.U. Jizzy.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to your mom.

See ya later, homies!

-Dave (12/11/12)

R-G-OW! (12/10/12)

 

It’s your December Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and what did I tell you people?  Besides the fact that I once told you about me masturbating in the library at Fordham University in New York and wiping the jizz on a “Famous Castles From Medieval England” book…and besides telling you that when I was 12, I shit my pants when I met Lou Piniella…and also when I told you that sometimes, when I’m alone, I put thumb-tacks into my penis…besides THOSE things, what did I tell you people?!  I fucking TOLD you that if Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III keeps running around like a chicken with his head cut off whose head has then been sodomized by a fox, that he would POSITIVELY get injured.  And that’s exactly what happened to RG3 yesterday.  In the Skins’ 31 to 28 victory over the Ravens, Griffin was knocked out of the game with a knee injury on a play where he was running the ball.   See?  I TOLD you people…just like I told you about the time I threw a snowball and hit Michael J. Fox squarely in the nose with it.  FACE!!

The Packers defeated the Lions on Sunday Night Football- 27 to 20.  Meanwhile, I was watching SportsCenter on ESPN this morning, and that one-eyed, cliche-riddled idiot, Stuart Scott, said that the Packers “beat down” the Lions.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, angers me more than when SportsCenter anchors do not understand their own shitty phrases that they spew on the air.  Prevailing over a team by one touchdown does not constitute a “beat down”, Stuart, you son of a bitch!!!  Damnit!!  Like I said, nothing angers me more than bad broadcasting.  I could witness the Droogs kicking the shit out of my dad and cutting tit-holes in my mom’s sweater, and THAT wouldn’t piss me off as much as shoddy on-air work…well…no…upon further review…the Droogs beating up my dad and doing God-knows-what to my mom WOULD probably upset me more than Scott’s verbal mistakes…but not by much!!!!

Now…the Seahawks BEAT DOWN the Cardinals yesterday- 58 to fucking Zero.  Honestly, can we think of getting rid of the Arizona Cardinals?  I know they went to the Super Bowl four years ago (Kurt Warner & Larry Fitzgerald + LUCK), but let’s be honest, they horrifically suck.  I mean, they are BAD.  After starting the season 4 and 0, the Cardinals have dropped their last nine games.  And does anyone in Arizona even care?  Fuck no.  The only thing that those people are passionate about is taking their automatic weapons and going “huntin’ for illegals”.  I have Nat Geo…I’ve seen “Border Wars”.  Nothing gets the people of Arizona more excited than squeezin’ that trigger at half a dozen Mexicans.  Well, I for one don’t care for that type of behavior.  People are people.  “Humans iz humans”…at least that’s what I learned from “Honey Boo Boo”.

In non-football news, Manny Pacquiao was knocked out on Saturday by Juan Manuel Marquez…effectively KILLING any hope/buzz that was left for a Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather fight.  And once again, the sport of boxing gets a nice, swift kick to the testicles.  Pacquiao losing his second contest in a row means that he no longer is the invincible boxer that existed three, four years ago.  Mayweather, having served prison time, will have lost a step as well.  Even if they did fight, it would be a pale version of the match that could have taken place in 2008 or ’09.  It would be like past-their-primes Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair battling in 2010…or, even worse, an over-the-hill Jason Voorhees taking on a clearly boozed-up Freddy Krueger in 2003.  Jason looked twenty pounds overweight and was rumored to have had a larger hockey mask made for his now-pudgy, extra-wide face.  And Freddy was seen stealing mini-airplane-bottles of liquor from his TWA flight.  Sad, really…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Giants’ rookie kickoff returner/backup running back David Wilson who had a MONSTER day in the G-Men’s 52 to 27 win over the Saints.  Wilson rushed for 100 yards and two touchdowns AND got another 227 yards in kick return yardage (including a 97-yard kickoff return TD).  He also celebrated each of his scores by doing a back-flip.  Damn, man, that’s some Tecmo Bowl kind of shit!!  As a Giants fan, I was so thrilled to see Wilson’s performance that I farted loudly and blamed it on the dog!!  Good job, David!!

We’ll see you later, Dave Pound!!!

-Dave (12/10/12)

The Knicks beat the Miami Heat AND Sound Machine! (12/7/12)

 

It’s your December Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the New York Knicks took the defending-champion Miami Heat last night and slapped them around like a defenseless woman who did nothing wrong; yet she was punched in the mouth by a fucking ogre of a boxer.  You need to leave Jake, Vickie.  He’s a son of a bitch.  He’ll end up breaking into your house and stealing his championship belt so that he can sell the jewels.  Then he’ll get arrested for allowing under-age girls to drink in his bar.  Trust me, Vickie…I know these things.  Then, he’ll try to perform some half-assed nightclub routine which, quite truthfully, was quite poor.  You gotta run, Vickie, and take the kids…

The Broncos defeated the Raiders last night- 26 to 13.  It was Denver’s eighth straight win.  Meanwhile, I don’t know what needs to happen for the Raiders to turn it around.  Maybe they need a lost ark to go after.  I’m just spit-balling here.  Or maybe instead of a lost ark, the Raiders could try to capture some golden-head relic by putting a bag of sand in the relic’s place.  But MAKE SURE you have the right amount of sand in the bag, Raiders!!  Take a little sand out…little more…now put some sand back in!!!  Sorry for yelling!!  This is fucking tense!!!  OK!!  Now take a little more sand out!!  And put some more back in!!  OK!!!  We’re ready to make the switch, Raiders!!  Go for it!!

…Shit!!!!  I hope you packed your Giant-Boulder-Evading-Boots, Raiders, ’cause it’s go time!!!!

I ate some cupcakes with bacon on them yesterday.  However, I ate them against my will, and thus I ate them IN PROTEST.  I HATE this bacon craze where everyone feels that they need to put bacon on every food item…and then make bacon-scented candles, cologne, bacon toothpaste, etc.  Stop it with the bacon silliness, America.  There are plenty of other side dishes to celebrate.  Why no love for the sausage?  It too is made from the pig.  Or what about the hash brown?  It’s wonderful!  …FUCK BACON…yeah…I said it…fuck bacon right in its delicious ass…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o who won his fifth and sixth major awards yesterday for outstanding play in college football.  I think Te’o is gonna win the Heisman Trophy.  I really do.  But then again, I thought that I was related to Wesley Snipes…but it turns out he’s black.  Oh well…

Have a great weekend, homies!!  We’ll see you Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  Tune in to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/7/12)

Kobe Bryant- the youngest to score 30 K! Billy Madison- the oldest to graduate pre-K! (12/6/12)

It’s your December Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Kobe Bryant is the youngest player in NBA history to reach 30,000 points (only four other players have ever reached 30K: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Karl Malone, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain).  Kobe would have been the biggest star in sports, not just basketball, but all of sports, if he didn’t have that rape charge thrown at him in 2003.  That really threw his popularity train off the fucking rails.  Damned pesky rape charge!!  Kobe would have gotten away with banging strange, schizophrenic broads in hotels if it wasn’t for you!!  See, what’s why I NEVER rape chicks!!  Dead bodies, pillow cases, robots, baby dragons…sure…I’ll rape the SHIT out of them!!  But chicks I never rape (I only inappropriately jerk off in their purses when they’re sleeping).

NBA Commissioner David Stern said that his fine of $250,000 against the San Antonio Spurs (because of the Spurs not playing three of their stars when they were healthy) was justified.  At a press conference Stern also stated that he was not “wearing any pants.”  Stern furthermore commented that although his “Mr. Happy doesn’t get hard anymore, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get tugged and rubbed by Papa Stern!!  Weeeeeee!!”  Sources say David Stern may be forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

The best woman college basketball player in the world, Brittney Griner, had 24 points and 14 rebounds.  After the game, Griner drank and then crushed a beer keg in her hand while choking out a man she thought was looking at her funny.  She then went dancing with her best friend (and possible love interest) Madame Olympe Maxime, the headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy in France, before the two drunkenly returned back to Hogwarts and called Harry Potter and Ron Weasley a “couple of pussies.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former Yankee Don Larsen, the only pitcher in MLB history to throw a perfect game in the World Series.  Yesterday Larsen sold his jersey from that legendary night in 1956 for $756,000 in order to pay college tuition for his grandchildren.  Damn, that’s fucking generous.  I don’t have grand kids yet…but I’m pretty sure when I do, the most I’ll give them is a carton of cigarettes (of which three packs will probably be missing) and some fifty year old Star Wars toys that have five-decade-old dried mucous on them.  Merry Christmas, kids!!

That’s it for today, folks!!  Make sure you download (for free) this week’s sensational episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  Available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/6/12)