The Heat lose to the Wizards! Dumbledore ecstatic! (12/5/12)

 

It’s your December Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Miami Heat were beaten by the lowly Washington Wizards last night- 105 to 101.  LeBron James said he was embarrassed by the outcome.  I don’t think losing an NBA game in early December is that embarrassing, LeBron.  Now, getting drunk on Christmas Eve and pissing in your family’s stockings and then walking up to the Christmas tree and “decorating” it with what you call shitsel (shit thrown on the tree to resemble tinsel), and then having the cops haul you away while you have nothing but an empty egg-nog container on your privates, and doing this all when you were 12 years old, now THAT is something to be fucking embarrassed about, LeBron!!!

Former Brewer and Hall of Famer Robin Yount pulled a Dick Cheney by sending 150,000 Milwaukee residents into a Middle Eastern war under false pretenses.  Bam!  Political commentary!  …No…actually, all Yount did was shoot his friend and Cubs manager Dale Sveum in the ear with shrapnel while the two were hunting.  Damn…because the former would have been more interesting.  I’m bettin’ that once those sons-of-bitches terrorists would have seen 150,000 cheese-heads running at them, all doing the Aaron Rodgers Discount Double-Check move, they’d go runnin’ for the hills!!!  That’s what you get for trying to take our freedoms, dick-noses!!  Release the cheeeeeese!!!

Jets coach Rex Ryan says he will stick with much-maligned quarterback Mark Sanchez to start this week against the Jaguars.  Ryan also says that he’s hungry: “This fucking diet is killing me!!!  Sometimes I look at special teams coach Mike Westhoff and think, ‘Damn, that one-legged old freak sure looks delicious.’  Come here, Mike!  Just give me a little taste real quick…I’m so fuckin’ hungry!!!  Just let me nibble on some Westhoff ass!!!  I’m fuckin’ starved!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Holiday Season…the best time of year!  I specifically like walking around New York City with all the lights and decorations up!  I specifically do NOT like getting detained by the NYPD for suspected indecent exposure (masturbatory actions) on the Rockefeller Center ice-skating rink.  Jingle bells!!

See you homies tonight on Ustream for the Davey Mac Sports Program- the number one independent sports show on the Internet (Riotcast.com, iTunes, Stitcher.com)!!  Peace!!

-Dave (12/5/12)

RG3- Faster than R2, Manlier than 3PO!! (12/4/12)

 

It’s your November Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Robert Griffin III is good.  The rookie led the Redskins over the Giants yesterday on Monday Night Football, 17 to 16.  Washington (along with Dallas) is now just one game behind New York for first place in the NFC East.  I like Griffin.  I do.  Even if he did beat my Giants, I like the guy.  But am I the only one who thinks his hair is kind of girly?  Plenty of players have long hair these days…I understand that.  But Griffin’s hairdo isn’t fully long…it’s in a bit of a bob and…well…it’s Victoria Beckham-ish.  It is.  You know it…and I know it.  RG3, for all his immense talent, is the Posh Spice of the National Football League.  I’m not saying that Griffin necessarily fucks David Beckham at night…but he probably does…not that there’s anything wrong with that, as the Seinfeld clan taught us.  No offense, Robert Griffin, but your hair makes me think that you have a pussy.  Sorry.

The Heisman Trophy finalists have been announced.  They are: Johnny Manziel of Texas A&M, Manti Te’o of Notre Dame, and Collin Klein of Kansas State.  It’s gonna be hard to beat Johnny Football.  His nickname is football for fuck’s sake, the very sport that the other candidates play.  Maybe Te’o could give himself the monicker of “sports”…in which case, I think that someone named Manti Sports would beat Johnny Football.  But then Klein could go by the name Collin THINGS, which, by being even broader than “sports” would put Klein in the front-funner position.  If I were Te’o, I’d then re-change my name to Earth.  I don’t think any one could defeat Manti Earth.  Unless, Klein ups him and goes with Collin Universe.  That would possibly take the cake.  However, if Te’o becomes Manti GOD, then it’s game, set, match.  Yup, I really have to stop drinking before writing these things.

Reports are saying that Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez will miss half of the 2013 MLB season because of hip surgery.  Other reports are saying that due to severe steroid use, A-Rod’s bones are as brittle as graham crackers.  Still more reports are saying that if you dunk A-Rod’s bones in milk, they make for a nice, tasty, snack.  I myself love having a nice plate of A-Rod bones with a cold glass of milk with my children.  My kids can eat a dozen A-Rod bones in one sitting!!  God bless America!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to LeBron James, who was named Sports Illustrated‘s Sportsman of the Year.  Former Sportsman of the Year winners include some obvious choices and some forgotten surprises:

* Muhammad Ali (1973 boxing champion)

* Mickey Mantle (1956 triple crown winner)

* Mark Wahlberg & Christian Bale (2010 Double-Stuff Oreo winners)

* Jack Tripper (1977 Falling-Backwards-Over-A-Couch Finalist)

* Gonzo (1983 Muppet Self-Mutilation League MVP)

* The Sphinx (1000 BC Desert Farting Gold Medalist)

* Adolf Hitler (1944 Berlin Badminton Champion)

See you homies tomorrow!!

-Dave (12/4/12)

Tragedy in Kansas City! (12/3/12)

 

It’s your December Third Davey Mac Sports Report and unfortunately we have to start off in somber fashion.  Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher shot and killed his girlfriend (the mother of Belcher’s three-month-old daughter), then drove to the Chiefs’ practice facility, thanked head coach Romeo Crennel and general manager Scott Pioli for giving him a job, and then turned the gun on himself.  Fuck.  It’s a horrible, damned story.  Having said that, I really don’t want to see any of these dip-shit fans putting up memorials to Belcher.  Nor do we need any of his Kansas City team-mates putting his number on their helmets or shoes.  This guy murdered a mother of a little, baby girl.  HIS baby girl in fact.  It’d be like the state of Colorado honoring Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris because they were “tragically lost” in a high school shooting.  Yeah…a shooting…that THEY fucking perpetrated!!!  To anyone who wants to honor Belcher, a man who KILLED a young mom, I says to you- “Get your fucking head out of your ass and stop idolizing athletes!!!  Also, punch yourself in the crotch area for being a general DUMMY!!  Furthermore, dump a vat of acid on your head so that maybe you can become a comic book super-villain!!!  And slice off your nipples with a switch-blade and then put them on a pizza and deliver it to your uncle’s house as an early April Fool’s joke!!  And then find the first rattle snake that you see and shove it into your dick-hole!!  Ass-faces!!!”

The college football championship game is set- Notre Dame will take on Alabama (who beat Georgia on Saturday to win the SEC championship).  Mark my words- this game will be the highest-rated college championship game in the last twenty years.  Also mark my words- I am gonna pass out tonight on the side of the street in Brooklyn after I see Neil Young & Crazy Horse in the Barclays Center.  And lastly mark my words- during my self-imposed intoxicated comatose, I most likely will have shit my pants and someone will have drawn the word “COCK” on my fore-head.  Sounds like a good night!!

The Jets’ inept and horrendous starting QB, Mark Sanchez, was finally benched yesterday after throwing three interceptions and no touchdowns against the Cardinals.  Third-stringer Greg McElroy (backup Tim Tebow is hurt) came in, led the Jets to a go-ahead touchdown, and New York beat Arizona- 7 to 6.  You know what this means?  Sanchez’s time as a starter in the NFL is almost over.  Personally, I feel that is what he gets for having so many moles.  It’s distracting to look at.  I’m trying to watch the game and all I see is a cluster of moles that look like they are trying to eat Mark Sanchez’s face.  In all honesty, I am scared for the guy.  He should have those moles checked out to make sure they indeed are not going to eat his face.  Because I think that there is a strong possibility that Mark Sanchez’s creepy facial moles are trying to eat his face.

After Pau Gasol was benched at the end of the game in the Lakers’ 113-103 loss to the Magic, Kobe Bryant commented that Gasol needs to “put his big-boy pants on.”  Bam!!  Gasol was just called a big, fucking baby by his team-mate!!  Kobe further commented- “Pau is just playing like a toddler right now…an especially naughty toddler…who has been ditching school…hey, Pau…I just got this letter from school…it says you haven’t been there in months…IN MONTHS!!!  Where the fuck is my belt?!?!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Broncos’ Peyton Manning, whose three passing touchdowns led Denver over Tampa Bay, 31 to 23, as the Broncos have now clinched the AFC West title.  Manning really is amazing.  This time a year ago he was a pat-on-the-neck away from being Stephen Hawking.  And now he is the front-runner to be the NFL MVP and has gotten Denver into the playoffs with 4 games to play.  Peyton should run for President of the World when he retires from football.  Then he can finally declare March 24th Peyton Manning Day where we dress up in Colts or Broncos uniforms and kill our neighbors.  Go, Peyton!!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (12/3/12)

Thou Shalt Not Fuck With The Commissioner! (11/30/12)

 

It’s your November Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the San Antonio Spurs are in some hot shit with NBA Commissioner David Stern.  Spurs coach Greg Popovich sat his three all stars (Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili) for a nationally-televised game against the defending-champion Miami Heat.  Why did Pop sit them?  Not because they were hurt.  Not because they were dealing with personal problems.  No.  Because he felt his guys needed a rest.  A fucking MONTH into the season?!  When the game was being played for the entire fucking country on TNT?!?!  Hey, Pop, go suck an egg, you cotton-headed creep!!!  Sports is entertainment, Pop, and you just broke the first rule of this concept- don’t fuck the fans in the ass.  And that’s exactly what you did, Pop; you FUCKED us in the ass.  Yes, you did, Pop.  Yes, you did.  NEVER do this again, you Manuel Noriega-complexioned bastard, or we’ll throw Peanut M&M’s in all of those fucking pock-marks of yours!!!  Jerk!!

The Falcons improved to 11 and 1 for the season with a 23 to 13 victory over the Saints last night.  And guess what?  I didn’t watch one measly fucking second of the game.  Why?  Because this whole Thursday Night Football experiment; where the NFL decided to have a Thursday match-up EVERY week, starting at the beginning of the season, for the first time in league history, simply does not work.  People like myself can’t be watching pro football three times a week, EVERY fucking week.  We have things to do.  Speaking for Joe America, I know I just want to relax on Thursday nights while I ratchet up my sick masturbatory technique by slicing my dick with razor blades when I jerk off.  And speaking for John America, I know that sometimes on a Thursday I feel like going over to the local pub, with no pants on of course, and seeing if I can make money by letting drunk people pour draft beer down my ass.  Sorry, NFL, but speaking for Jack America, your experiment has not worked…now if you’ll excuse me, inspired A Christmas Story, I must spray my cock with water and stick it to a frozen flag-pole.  Good Day.

The Mets and David Wright have agreed to a seven-year extension worth around $140 million.  That’s a lot of dough.  Which reminds me…I am fucking PISSED that I did not win the $550 million Powerball jackpot the other day.  PISSED.  I play that thing every fucking Wednesday and have the sons of bitches EVER rewarded the Dave Man with a jackpot?!?!  FUCK NO!!  And I am PISSED!!  What the shit, Powerball?!  What did I ever do to YOU?!  I mean, sure, I blew up your headquarters once.  And another time I wiped my ass on fifty Powerball tickets and stuffed them back into one of the machines.  Oh, and one time after I lost, I wrote “Fuckerball” on the ground with my own piss and took a picture of it and posted it on Instagram.  But besides those things, what the fuck did I ever do to you, Powerball?!?!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Super Mario…because in an hour or two, I’m gonna be hanging with him at Nintendo World in Rockefeller Plaza in New York City!!  I’m so excited I could shit!!  It’s a-me…Davio!!

See you homies later!  Due to the Patrice O’Neal Tribute (in honor of the late, great comedian) on the Opie & Anthony Channel this weekend, there will be no Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on Saturday!!  But we’ll be back NEXT Saturday!!  And remember to check out the online version of the show on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  RIP, Patrice!!

-Dave (11/30/12)

Fight! Fight!! Fight!!! (11/29/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and we had ourselves a good-old fashioned brawl between the Brooklyn Nets and the Boston Celtics last night, baby!!  Oh yeah!!  The Nets kicked the Celtics’ ass twice; first on the scoreboard (Brooklyn won 95 to 83); and secondly when Nets forward Kris Humphries threw Kevin Garnett to the ground on a hard foul.  After the game, Boston head coach Doc Rivers called his team “soft.”  Ouch.  When you’re called “soft” by your own coach, you plum suck, daddy.  Basically Rivers is saying that his team is a collection of “non-working penises.”  At least, that’s how I interpret it.  Rivers is calling his players a bunch of “erectile dysfunctions.”  And that hurts, mister.  Rivers essentially is stating the Celtics are “a group of flaccid, mushy, limp dicks that couldn’t get hard if Angelina Jolie and Kate Upton scissor-sister’ed right in front of them while hot midgets juggled pocket pussies that were lit on fire and the Today Show‘s Natalie Morales and Savannah Guthrie started pulling each other’s hair before slitting the throats of Al Roker and Matt Lauer and 69′ing each other in the men’s blood.”  That hurts.

No. 2 Duke beat No. 4 Ohio State last night- 73 to 68.  I didn’t get to see this game because I was busy getting into a yelling match with my neighbor Al.  He was mad at what he called my “offensive” Christmas decorations on my lawn.  I’m sorry, Al, but I find an inflatable, twelve-foot Santa with an inflatable, three-foot dick to be in fine Christmas spirit.  Anyway, we settled our differences…I burned his fucking house to the ground.

The New Orleans Saints are upset that their bus was egged at an Atlanta airport as they prepare for tonight’s game against the Falcons.  Big deal, I remember when Europe’s greatest badminton team, the Belfast Protestants, were fire-bombed to fucking hell when in Northern Ireland.  Yowza’s!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my lawyer…who has gotten me out on bail after I burned down my neighbor’s house and shot his three cats.  Thanks, Gerald!!

Hey homies, this week’s spectacular new Davey Mac Sports Program (the number one independent sports show on the Internet) is NOW available (for free) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Enjoy!!

-Dave (11/29/12)

Indiana beats the piss our of North Carolina! Ewwwww! (11/28/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and Indiana is BACK.  The Hoosiers, the number one team in the nation, annihilated North Carolina last night- 83 to 59.  Good for them.  Indiana and Basketball go together like Duct Tape and Hostages…like Animal Shit and Cookies…like Pauly Shore and Sodomy…like Cheese and Asses…like Hobbits and Cum…well done, Hoosiers!!

The NBA released its most-sold jersey’s list yesterday.  LeBron is number one.  Kevin Durant is number two.  For the team sales, the Knicks are number one, with the Heat at number two.  What does all of this mean?  Jack and shit, I says.  This must be a ridiculously slow news day if this is the second biggest sports story.  Shit.  I say we all just go out and get drunk.  And maybe we should smoke a little pot, too.  Then we’ll watch Wag The Dog, because I haven’t seen that movie in a long time and I remember liking it.  And when all that is done, we’ll rob a 7-11.

And since not a lot went on yesterday in sports, I’d like to take this time to say that the new Tron is not a bad movie.  I watched it last night and thought it had good action and great special effects.  The story did not have a ton of substance to it…but shit…neither did the first Tron movie.  All in all, I give it 3 stars.  Unlike its porn parody- Trim.  Not only were the special effects poor in Trim, but I was very distracted by fluorescent titties getting fucked by a glowing, orange dick.  Plus, I do not like watching people having sex if they are wearing space helmets.  My review- one star.  This has been Dave’s Real Movie/Slut Movie Hollywood Review…’till next week!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to George Hill of the Pacers who’s last second shot propelled Indiana to beat the Lakers, 79 to 77.  Man, we had TWO stories about Indiana in ONE Sports Report!!  This hasn’t happened since we discussed Indiana Jones and the subsequent porn parody- San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Lube!!!

See you guys this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE on USTREAM!!  Join us at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (11/28/12)

The Panthers beat the Eagles on Monday Night Football! Analysts say at least six people watched the game! (11/27/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and two of the more under-achieving teams this year, the Panthers and Eagles, played last night in the “We Suck Dicks Bowl”.  Carolina won the game- 30 to 22.  Coming into this season, people were viewing the Panthers as a definite playoff team and many pundits had Philly as a serious Super Bowl contender.  However, both teams are 3 and fucking 8 this season.  And now look at these analysts…with their heads squarely up their asses.  Eating their own shit with their mouths…because that’s all you have to eat when your head is in your ass.  You certainly can’t fit a refrigerator in your ass.  Nor can you put a cooler with a couple of sandwiches in there.  Nope.  All you have is the shit.  And you have to eat it, digest it, recycle the shit back into your ass, and then eat it again.  Plus, when your head is in your ass, it’s very dark.  It’s kind of like a cave.  Only it smells like poop.  Yup…if you can manage to do it, always try to avoid having your head in your ass.  It just isn’t pleasant.

The Knicks and Nets played last night in their first ever Battle of the Boroughs; and Brooklyn beat Manhattan in overtime, 96 to 89.  With the Yankees (Bronx) and Mets (Queens) going head-to-head during inter-league play, this now means that every borough in New York City gets to experience big-time sports competition…except Staten Island…aka the Borough That No One Cares About.  I don’t know why Staten Island gets such a raw deal.  After all, the Corleone Compound (home of beautiful weddings and impromptu appearances from Johnny Fontaine) was located on Staten Island.  And we know what kind of stand-up individuals the Corleones were…they weren’t a bunch of pimps like the mother-fucking Tattaglia’s or a group of untrustworthy snakes like the Barzini’s.  And they sure as shit weren’t like that drug-pedaling fuck Sollazzo!!!  No!!  The Corleones were people of character!!!  Sure, they once killed a police chief…but he was a dirty cop, I tells ya!!!  Mixed up in the wrong rackets!!!  And he got what was coming to him!!  Fuck him!!!

The NFL has ruled that the Lions’ Ndamukong Suh accidentally kicked Texans QB Matt Schaub in the balls on Thanksgiving and thus Suh will not be suspended.  Meanwhile, my mom ruled that the Davey Mac intentionally lit my dad’s favorite chair on fire while clearly on bath salts.  Furthermore, it was ruled that that the Dave Man purposely inserted his shit into a paper bag, put the bag outside his in-laws’ house, and lit it on fire on Thanksgiving night.  More details to come.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team who has now risen to Number Two in the rankings and–

What’s so funny??  …Anyway, with Duke taking their Number Two and–

Why are you laughing?!?!  …Furthermore, Coach K says his Number Two smells sweet and–

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!  I’M TRYING TO WRITE A SPORTS REPORT HERE!!!  Anyway, hopefully Duke doesn’t flush their Number Two down the toilet and–OH FUCK IT!!!

See you tomorry, Dave Pound!

-Dave (11/27/12)

The Irish make it to the title! Number one! The Dave makes it to the shitter! Number two! (11/26/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and get out your clovers and shillelaghs, homies, because the Fighting Irish are in the Championship Game!!  That’s right, with their 22 to 13 victory over USC on Saturday, Notre Dame will play for their first title since 1988!!  My hat is off to Coach Brian Kelly, who has given Irish fans their first real joy in a quarter of a century!!  And in celebration of Notre Dame’s accomplishment, I shall now go on a six-week bender of Jameson, Guinness, and car-bombing!!  Furthermore, I am going to walk up to and punch the first British man, woman, or child that I see.  It could be Lennox Lewis or Queen Elizabeth…if I see some limey blood…BAM!!  Then, I’ll start jerking off to Sinead O’Connor videos while singing “Oh Danny Boy” and shoving bag-pipes in my ass!!  Go-oooooooo, Irish!!!

The Giants fucked the shit out of Green Bay- 38 to 10.  Eli Manning threw 3 touchdowns (getting him to 200 for his career, a Giants record), while New York rushed for 147 yards.  Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers was beaten so badly that, with his bad 1970′s mustache, he began to look like a broken-down porn star who was sitting on the couch of some fucked-up drug deal while a creepy Asian boy threw bang-snaps on the ground.  Just sell the coke and get the fuck out of there, Aaron!!  Don’t worry about the safe!!  And just WHY THE SHIT IS “JESSIE’S GIRL” PLAYING SO GOD-DAMNED LOUDLY ANYWAY?!?!  OH GREAT, NOW WE HAVE TO SIT HERE THROUGH “99 RED BALLOONS”?!?!  I FUCKING HATE GERMAN SINGERS!!!!  YOU SHOULD STICK WITH THE GOD-DAMNED DISCOUNT DOUBLE-CHECK, AARON, AND LEAVE THIS LIFE OF DATED MUSTACHES AND COKE DEALS GONE BAD BEHIND!!!  FUCK!!!!

The 49′ers took down the Saints, 31 to 21, behind a solid performance from rookie QB Colin Kaepernick, who continues to play in place of former starter Alex Smith.  Smith said after the game that he felt he deserved to be on the field.  “How can someone lose their job due to a concussion?  I mean, that’s just not right.  I can see losing your job due to a legal problem- like fucking a small animal…like, a koala bear for instance…like when I was vacationing in Australia and I…I’m sorry, I mean ‘my friend’…my FRIEND was vacationing in Australia and he got so drunk one night that, after being bet that he wouldn’t do it by his running back Frank Gore, he decided to put a condom on and fuck a koala bear…then I…I mean my FRIEND jizzed and took off the condom and poured the cum on the koala bear’s head and, after being bet by his tight end Vernon Davis, licked up the jizz and yelled ‘Olly Olly Oxen Free!’  Yeah…I…I mean my FRIEND has to go back to Australia for his HIS court date in February.  Damn.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the section that sits around Jets super-fan Fireman Ed.  Thankfully for all you lucky bastards, this JERKOFF has decided to “retire his helmet” and will no longer chant J-E-T-S.  He has quit as the loud-mouthed, egotistical, all-about-HIM-and-not-the-game, unofficial mascot of the team.  The key word there is UNOFFICIAL.  No one in the Jets organization ever formally gave this fool an actual position with the team.  In fact, I don’t even know why this cock-sucker needs to “retire”.  He isn’t officially linked to the Jets!!!  That’s like me saying that I have retired from the Harlem Globetrotters.  Yup.  I’ve decided to hang up my red, white & blue sneakers and bucket of confetti.  I shall furthermore retire from working in the White House as a Presidential Butt-Cleaner.  Good bye, America.

See ya tomorrow, peeps!!

-Dave (11/26/12)

Happy Thanksgiving, you glorious bastards!!! Love, Dave!! Not in a sexual way!! In a friend kind of way!! OK, ok, MAYBE in a sexual way!! (11/21/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and since this will be the last report before this long, holiday weekend, let me take the time now to say Happy Thanksgiving, you fuckers!!!  Yessir!!  It’s a time to reflect about some of the blessings in our life.  A few of mine include:

* My significant other seems to hate me a little less this week than last week

* I have such a bountiful collection of Thanksgiving porn! The Pilgrims would shit if I ever played it for ‘em! (PS- the girls who play the Native Americans are generally hotter than the Puritans…though I think they disguised a black girl in one scene as an Indian…which I believe is historically inaccurate)

* I am thankful my significant other hasn’t yet found my butt-plugs I use when jerking off

* I feel blessed that I have never thrown up in a Dairy Queen though several times I have been tempted to

* I am humbled to have such wonderful co-workers who stupidly don’t realize that I wipe snot on their chairs at the office

* I am grateful for having a shitty car that seems to be made of Lego’s as some part of the car always falls off when I drive over twenty-five fucking miles per hour!!

* I am happy that my ass is not currently leaking

I love Thanksgiving.  Usually, it is a wonderful time of year where I steal silverware from my in-laws’ house and sell it on eBay.  But this year, since I will be celebrating the holiday at my parents’ house, I will not dare take their silverware.  Instead, I shall simply go into my mom’s purse and steal COLD, HARD CASH, BABY!!!  Yeeeeehhaaawww!!!!!!

And even though the football games are not terrific on Thanksgiving…they’re certainly not bad, either…and I can’t fucking wait.  I love eating and football about as much as I love drinking toilet water and spitting it on my pet rabbit.  First, we have the Houston Texans against the Detroit Lions.  Davey Mac Prediction- I’ll be a little buzzed by half-time.  I’ll also most likely have some spittle dripping from the side of my mouth.  Then we have the Washington Redskins versus the Dallas Cowboys.  Davey Mac Prediction #2- I’ll be drunk and jolly and will be putting on an impromptu dance party by the third quarter when I drunkenly lose my balance and crash into my parents’ glass coffee table, breaking it into a million pieces.  The joyous party will screech to a sudden, uncomfortable halt.  Lastly, we have the New York Jets taking on the New England Patriots (on the NFL Network).  Davey Mac Prediction #3- I will find myself in the police station for the third straight year after it was determined that I put shit in my parents’ neighbors’ mailbox.  Boy oh boy, I can’t wait!!

But my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is our legendary football game, the McDonald Two-Hand-Touch Turkey Bowl, which inevitably goes from a nice, sensitive, two-hand touch contest; into a “rough touch” level where people are allowed to shove old players into the bushes; and then up to a full-on tackle football game where every single member of the family is trying to Lawrence Taylor/Joe Theisman each other’s legs; and finally a hard-core weapons match where we forget about football altogether and slam bricks and vases over each other’s heads.  It’s fucking fun!!!

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving, Dave Pound!!  Don’t forget to download (for free) this week’s spectacular Davey Mac Sports Program Thanksgiving Special!!  Available now on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Have a fantastic holiday!!

-Dave (11/21/12)

San Franciso beats Chicago in the Backup Quarterback Bowl! (11/20/12)

 

It’s your November Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the 49′ers crushed the Bears last night, 32 to 7.  San Francisco was led by backup QB Colin Kaepernick, who was filling in for a concussed Alex Smith.  Kaepernick threw for 243 yards and two TD’s in the win.  I hope Alex Smith is familiar with the story of Wally Pipp.  You see, Alex, Pipp was the starting first baseman for the New York Yankees.  He sat out one day, and was replaced by a young man named Lou Gehrig…who didn’t gave up the position for 2,130 consecutive fucking games!!!  Meanwhile, having lost his job to Gehrig, Pipp fell out of baseball.  He tried to start a vaudeville ventriloquist routine, as Wally & his puppet Black-Face, but the act was halted after a poorly-received performance in Harlem.  Then Pipp tried to open up his own sex toy shop.  But in the 1930′s, Wally’s Wooden Dildo’s Boutique didn’t go over very well.  Later in the decade, Pipp turned to owning a print shop, however, not being very familiar with world politics, Wally made an unintentional yet huge mistake when he created 200 signs for German-Americans that said I HEART HITLER.  Take a good look, Alex Smith, because Wally Pipp and Hitler signs are your future.

David Beckham says he will leave the L.A. Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1.  In related news, Who Gives A Fuck?!  This is America, daddy!!  We don’t give two cat shits about soccer, home-fry!!!  We’re AMERICA, dammit!!  We loves our guns and our explosions and our shootin’ people and our cars and our driving our Ford truck into our ex-girlfriend’s house because we noticed on her Facebook that she is now goin’ out with that asshole Brent who we used to fucking make fun of and now she is fuckin’ DATING him and how the fuck could you do that, Megan, you agreed that Brent is a fuckin’ douche-bag and now you’re fucking him, oh fuck this, if I ever see that guy I’m gonna run his fuckin’ ass over with my fuckin’ truck, is what I’m's gonna do!!!!

Plaxico Burress is expected to visit the Steelers for a possible job opening.  Burress commented: “…And rest assured, Steelers fans, I will NEVER shoot myself in the ass with a gun again.  NEVER.  Now, I can’t promise that I won’t stab myself in the dick-hole with a butter knife.  Damn, I love injuring myself!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Lakers’ new head coach Mike D’Antoni, who will make his debut tonight on the sidelines as the Lakers take on the Nets in L.A.  I think I’m gonna watch this game.  Either that, or a new movie I rented, “Big Butts Sitting On Small Tools Part II.”  I can’t tell you what kind of movie it is…but I think you can guess.

See you guys tonight on Ustream for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Adios!!

-Dave (11/20/12)