The Giants- Stayin’ Alive! The A’s- Night Fever! The Davey Mac- More Than A Woman! (10/10/12)

 

It’s your October Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the teams by the Bay kicked the ass and they kicked it hard last night, dogsie.  The San Francisco Giants, down two games to none in their series against the Reds, won in extra innings- 2 to 1.  And the A’s, in the same position as the Giants, shut out the Tigers- two to nothing.  Well, there you fucking go.  I visited the Bay Area when I was a kid.  Went to Alcatraz (jerked off).  Visited the Golden Gate Bridge (spanked the dick into the water below).  Took a trip to Jedediah Smith Redwoods State Park (exploded the cock while in a giant Redwood tree onto a squirrel’s head).  Incidentally, that park is where they filmed Return of the Jedi…which is why I suppose I was pretending to be an Ewok when I was jerking it.  Yub nub!!  Eee chop, yub nub!!!

We here at the Sports Report broke the story yesterday (via our Top Secret sources looking it up on Google and The Internet) that former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky has been sentenced to a minimum of 30 years for his crimes…and now we have some new, breaking information just for YOU, the loyal DMSR reader.  Jerry Sandusky’s balls smell like old cheese.  Trust us.  We can’t tell you how we get you this exclusive info…but it’s true.  Also, his ass feels like Play-Doh that’s been put in a microwave.  Again, you’re just gonna have to take our word for it.  If you were to feel Jerry Sandusky’s ass…it would feel like stale Play-Doh that had been left on the floor, pissed on by a dog, and then put in the microwave on HIGH for 2 minutes.  Lastly, Jerry Sandusky has cum under his fingernails.  We can’t tell you how we know…we just do.

Jets head coach Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with under-performing quarterback Mark Sanchez; even though Sanchez is DEAD LAST in completion percentage (48.4) and 31st in passer rating (66.6).  In other news, the pilot of the Hidenburg zeppelin stated in a press conference- “Everything is fine.  We’re having a nice ride and…is it getting a little warm in here or is it just me?  Probably is me.  I’m wearing this sweater vest and…do you smell smoke?  I thought I smelled smoke but, I ALWAYS think I’m smelling smoke!  Hahaha!  It’s just one of those things, I guess!!  Anyway, like I was saying, I have a T-shirt on, AND a button-down, AND a sweater vest and, honestly, the sweater vest is probably just one article of clothing too mu– is the blimp on fire?  Did you see that?  I think this thing may be on fire.  But then again, I’m probably hallucinating.  I’ve been drinking this old-timey cough medicine and it’s like, WHOA DADDY!  The Captain is a-trippin’!!!  Anyway, maybe I’ll take this sweater vest off and relax and— was that an explosion?  I thought I heard an explosion.  Ahhhh, it probably was just my imagination.  I’m always pretending that things are————————-”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Alex Karras, former Detroit Lion great who died this morning.  Some also may remember Karras as the dad on the TV show Webster.  And still others may believe, as I do, that it was Emmanuel Lewis (Webster himself) who most likely killed Karras by strangling him with a piano wire.  FIN.

We’ll see you this evening at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com for the Davey Mac Sports Program- LIVE!!  Peace!!

-Dave (10/10/12)

The O’s win Game 2! The Cheeri’s rejoice! (10/9/12)

 

It’s your October Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Baltimore Orioles needed a win desperately last night…and they got it, daddy.  Down one game to none in their Division Series against the Yankees, the O’s clawed their way to a 3 to 2 victory, tying up the series as it heads to New York.  And we now have ourselves a series, baby!!  That’s right, kitten!!!  We’re all square in an old-school Yanks-Orioles series, french fry!!  And, I for one, couldn’t be more excited, Tickle Buddy!!  I wouldn’t mind coming over to your house and giving you a little rub down, Sexy-Face!!  I’d run my hands over your shoulders, down your back, and right to the Special Place, Jizz-Chum!!  And by “Special Place” I mean “The Ass”, Butter-Cum!!!  Ooooooooh, yeahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Cardinals also evened up their series with the Nationals with a 12 to 4 victory.  Carlos Beltran hit two homers in the game.  Gee whiz, I’d give anything to hit an MLB Postseason home run.  Seriously.  I don’t know who to bribe, but if you’re out there listening, I have at least 50 vintage Star Wars action figures, seventeen of which are HAVE NOT BEEN OPENED!!!  Or, if you want, I’ll give you my fucking dog!!  She’s great!  She’s a Pomeranian and has three feet!!  This makes her a special collector’s item-kind-of-dog!!  I also can offer you my wife’s underwear, or some non-poisonous candy, or an invention that I made called the Fuck-Wand!!!  Just think about it, Baseball, I need a postseason home run!!!

—BREAKING NEWS—

Jerry Sandusky has been given his prison sentence!

—THIS JUST IN—

He will serve no less than 30 years…and no more than 60 years!

—DEVELOPING STORY—

Sandusky still has yellow teeth!

—NEWS FLASH—

I gots ta shit, dawg!!!

—UH OH—

I think a little shitties just came out!

—FUCK—

Yup!  Better throw out my boxers before anyone smells me!  Later!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Houston Texans running back Arian Foster; who ran for 152 yards and a touchdown as the Texans beat the Jets, 23 to 17.  I think it’s very odd that a nice black gentleman is named “Arian”, which, though spelled differently, conjures up a WHOLE different image!!  I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.  Signed, Davey McAfrican

Hasta manana, friendo’s!!

-Dave (10/9/12)

The Yankees draw First Blood against the Orioles! Meanwhile, the Tigers Rambo the A’s! And the Nationals Rocky IV the Cardinals! (10/8/12)

 

It’s your October Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and with a Game 1 win over the Orioles, the Yankees are hoping to destroy the hearts of Baltimore worse than when Omar and Brother Mouzone whacked Stringer Bell.  B-More never got over that…and they never will.  And now it looks like the city is in for another nightmare scenario as the Yankees, behind solid pitching from C.C. Sabathia, scored 5 runs in the ninth inning to beat the O’s, 7 to 2.  Let’s be honest.  C.C., when he is on his game, is still a hell of a pitcher.  And now let’s be REALLY honest- he’s also very fat.  I’m a fan of his and all, but Good Lord does he have one gigantic stomach.  I’m sometimes afraid that he is gonna eat the baseball while he’s on the pitcher’s mound.  Sometimes, after Jeter makes a particularly good play, C.C. stares at him the way Philip Seymour Hoffman gazed at Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights…only I don’t think C.C. wants to kiss Jeter…I’m pretty sure he wants to eat him.  Once, I thought I saw C.C. buttering manager Joe Girardi in the dugout; preparing to have him as a snack.  And I also saw C.C. devour Ichiro…only to eat Kiroda an hour later, because he was still hungry.  Please consider putting yourelf on a diet, C.C., before you eat the Yankees starting lineup!

By defeating the Cardinals, 3 to 2, the Nationals have become the first Washington D.C.-based MLB team to win a playoff game since 1933.  Good for Washington, it’s such a virtuous town, filled with honest, fair-minded people who are good, salt-of-the-earth Americans.  Wait a second…sorry…I was thinking of Toledo, Ohio…FUCK D.C., the fucking City of Political Shit-Bags and Congressional Pig-Sluts!!!  FUCK OFF!!!

Meanwhile, the Tigers and Reds respectively are in command of their respective series, leading the A’s and Giants respectively, 2 games to one.  I have no respective predictions for the two respective series respectively, except that I respectively respect Aretha Franklin’s classic, “Respect.”

A bunch of NFL football was played yesterday, too.  Here are some scores-

Patriots 31, Broncos 21

Giants 41, Browns 27

Coke 17, Pepsi 14

Transformers 35, Gobots 3

Peanut Butter 12, Jelly 9

Smurfs 24, Snorks 13

Dicks 42, Cocks 40

Eight Is Enough 38, Just The Ten Of Us 10

and in the upset of the day Ewoks 21, Wookies 17

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Saints QB Drew Brees, who has broken Johnny Unitas’ record of most consecutive NFL games with at least one touchdown pass.  By throwing a TD last night against the Chargers, Brees has thrown one in 48 straight games.  Afterwards, Brees commented about his remarkable achievement- “First of all, I’d say that I am honored to be compared to Johnny Unitas, but then, I’d be lying.  The truth is, I’d wipe my ass with Johnny U’s retarded buzz cut and fucked-up sneakers.  I mean, when did he even play ayway, the fucking 1800′s?!?!  Even my frightening Frankenstein mole is better than that fucking guy!!  In fact, I’m seriously considering going to Unitas’ grave, digging up his body, and fucking it in the ass in the middle of the night while chanting ‘Who Dat.’  Johnny U can suck my dick!!  Peace out, bitches.”

See ya tomorrow, Friend-Pals!!

-Dave (10/8/12)

Bobby V- OUT! Kevin Kline- IN! (10/5/12)

 

It’s your October Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and Bobby Valentine has been shipped down from Boston, as the Red Sox fired the 62-year-old manager after one dismal season in which the Sox finished 69 and 93.  Ha!!  69!!!  Hahahahaha!!  Yeah, Bobby!!!  Is that what you like, you pervert?!?!  You like sixty-nining people?!  Hahaha!!  Yeah, Bobby, now put that whip cream on your stomach and rub it!!!  Yeah!!  Hahahaha!!  Oh, you’re fucking SICK, Bobby!!!  Now pour some candle wax on your nipples!!!  Ooooooh, HOT, isn’t it, Bobby?!?!  Yeahhhhh, it is!!!  Now shove this candle up your ass!!!  Oh, Bobby V, you NUTS, dude!!  You NUTS!!!

…anyway, if you’d like more of this, please buy my new porn-flick that I’ve made- Forcing Bobby Valentine To Be Sexxxy At Gunpoint

Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard are in a feud.  Shag said that Howard is not a true center.  Howard responded by saying that Shaq is “done” and needs to “move on.”  Meanwhile, this writer is trying to start a feud with fellow sports journalist Mike Lupica.  Hey, Lupica, I asked for your autograph when I was twelve and at Yankee Stadium, and you blew me off.  So you know what I’m gonna do?  I’m gonna dress up as one of ESPN’s Sports Reporters and when we’re live on television, I’m gonna pour a bucket of shit on your little pipsqueak fucking head, THAT’S what!!!  See ya later…pipsqueak!!!  Hahahahaha!!!!

Sources are saying that suspended Saints head coach Sean Payton plans on attending the Saints-Chargers game this weekend, in order to support Drew Brees.  If Brees throws a touchdown, he’ll break the all-time record of most consecutive games played in which the QB threw at least one TD (Johnny Unitas and Brees are currently tied for the record at 47 games).  I like Sean Payton’s moxy.  Go back to New Orelans, Payton, and give NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell the fucking finger.  And as an aside, I’m not exactly sure what the word “moxy” means.  I think it’s Jewish in origin.  I always thought it had someone to do with having dried cum on your pants.  You know, as in, “Damn, my jeans are a little moxy today.”  Or…“Geez, Dad, your slacks are REALLY moxy!”  I don’t know.  You know how people sometimes say, “Hey that guy has a good way with words”…yeah…they never say that about me…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the St. Louis Rams, who beat the previously unbeaten Cardinals last night, 17 to 3.  And guess what?  I didn’t watch one mother-fucking second of the game.  I’m sorry but Thursday Night Football is officially too much.  It’s like having ten Peanut M&M’s stuck into your dick-hole and trying to fit that eleventh one in.  There’s no room for number 11, baby!!!  There never is!!!

See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL; LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (10/5/12)

The final day of regular season baseball ends with a bang! And we don’t mean that in a sexual way, you perverts!!! (10/4/12)

 

It’s your October Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and ok, I admit it, that headline was indeed meant in a sexual way.  Don’t blame yourself.  YOU are not the perverts.  We are.  And, yes, I’m writing “we” as if this thing is written by a staff of writers.  That’s my little trick.  When I don’t want the heat squarely on my shoulders, I write things like “We‘ve discovered that Tigers Woods is growing a tumor on his dick…and that the tumor itself is taking the shape of a dick…so in summation, Tiger Woods appears to have a Double Dick at this point.”  See?  I said “we’ve”.  This way, when I inevitably get sued, I can blame it on some fictitious Sports Report staff and spread the blame “their” way…the imaginary suckers that “they” are!!  Hahahaha!!!

Anyway, as I said earlier, I indeed did intend the headline to be of a sexual connotation.  Because quite frankly, the A’s fucked the shit out of the Texas Rangers, right there in the heart of Oakland.  The Rangers (who for a long stretch this season were dubbed “the best team in baseball”) blew a massive lead in the division (thirteen fucking games) to find themselves tied with the A’s on the final day of the season.  And then on the 162nd game of the year, the Rangers blew a 5 to 1 lead to Oakland, and ended up getting routed, 12 to 5.  I haven’t seen a team choke this the 2011 Boston Red Sox.  And that was, like, a whole fucking year ago!!!  And in this American era of No-Attention-Span Humanoids, one entire year is, like, FOREVER ago!!!  Shit, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!!  And yeah, I know that I was 33 this time last year, but like I said, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!!!  Don’t dispute me!!

Meanwhile, the Yankees were able to crush the Red Sox (14 to 2) and in doing so, won the A.L. East and wrapped up the number one seed in the American League.  I expect the Yankees to play well in the playoffs and likely make it to the World Series.  But then again, I expect a butler named Pierre to shine my ass like it is a pair of fine shoes and call me Captain Cum…so I guess sometimes our expectations are not met.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who has become the first man since 1967 to hit for the Triple Crown.  Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs, and 139 runs batted in.  That’s a good year.  Is it as good as 1993 when Steven Spielberg put out one of the greatest action movies of all time, Jurassic Park, in the summer…and then multiple Oscar-winner (including Best Picture), Schindler’s List, in the winter?  No.  No, I’m afraid not, Miguel.  But good job nonetheless, you non-dinosaur-movie-making-Liam-Neeson-hating son of a bitch!!!

A brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is up!  Go to go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for all the love!!  Adios!

-Dave (10/4/12)

The A’s have tied the Rangers for first place in the A.L. West and Mitt Romney has suddenly become a poor, black, Jewish woman! (10/3/12)

 

It’s your October Third Davey Mac Sports Report and if Hollywood wants to write a sequel to Moneyball, all they have to do is flash forward exactly ten years to the 2012 MLB season where this year’s A’s have shockingly come out of nowhere to tie the Texas Rangers for FIRST PLACE in the A.L. West, with the two teams playing tonight in Oakland on the last day of the season to decide it all (after the A’s beat the Rangers last night- 3 to 1).  And if Hollywood does decide to make Moneyball 2, I’d like to put myself in the running for the Jonah Hill role.  Now, sure, I’m not fat the way Jonah Hill’s character was in the movie.  But, at this point, neither is Jonah Fucking Hill!!  I mean, how much weight is that guy gonna lose?!  I’m afraid he’s either Bulimic or has some new flesh-eating Pig Virus or some insane combination of both…like maybe a Bulimic Pig is slowly eating him, I don’t know, I’m on ‘shrooms!!  In any event, unlike Jonah, who only eats lettuce and Triscuits in order to get to Mick Jagger weight these days, Davey Mac, like the true ACTOR he is, will De Niro this shit and gain sixty pounds if it means I can party with Brad Pitt for six weeks!!!  Come on, Hollywood, stop being pussies!!!

Meanwhile the Yankees came back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth yesterday on a Raul Ibanez home run; and then won it in the 12th on an Ibanez single.  As a result, the Yanks’ magic number is 1…and should they either win or the Orioles lose tonight, New York will win the A.L. East.  Another division that has gone down to the final day of the season.  I don’t know about you, but I’m so giddy with baseball excitement that I could flog an elderly person who is taking too long in the butcher’s section at the supermarket with a mother-fucking bullwhip!!  It’s like, “Just buy a few chicken cutlets and a couple of steaks, you old bitch!!!  There are OTHER people in this fucking line!!!”

Speaking of whips, why does Indiana Jones not get the credit he deserves as an athlete?  He’s probably the greatest rodeo man the world has ever seen.  I mean, do you think legendary rodeo showman “Buffalo” Bill Cody could swing from window ledges eighty feet high (IN THE RAIN, mind you) at a Nazi castle, in order to rescue his dad (who had banged his Austrian girlfriend just DAYS before, mind you)?  Well, DO you???  The answer is NO!  Buffalo Bill couldn’t TOUCH Indiana Jones.  Buffalo Bill couldn’t even touch Short-Round…but that’s probably a good thing…for legal reasons…

Former Penn State assistant football coach and the guy who was afraid to punch pedophile Jerry Sandusky when he saw him raping a child in the shower, Mike McQueary, is suing Penn State University for defamation and misrepresentation.  To me, this suit seems almost as frivolous as the time I sued my dick in New Jersey State Court, alleging that it “caused me millions of dollars in distress by peeing on me too much.”  The case was thrown out.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Major League Baseball, for being so much fun in a mother-fucking pennant race.  THANK YOU, MLB, for making me so happy.  Now, can you also figure a way to get rid of the boils on my ass?  Thanks in advance.

See you guys tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com for the Davey Mac Sports Program!!  Adios!!

-Dave (10/3/12)

Tony Romo el stinko! I don’t know Spanish but I’m pretty sure that headline means he stinks! (10/2/12)

 

It’s your October Second Davey Mac Sports Report and Tony Romo and the Cowboys got fucked up by the Bears yesterday on Monday Night Football- 34 to 18.  Romo matched his career high with FIVE interceptions (two of which were returned for touchdowns).  When are we gonna finally admit it, people: Tony Romo is simply NOT that good.  WHEN will we admit, I says?!  When we will finally admit that we stuff small animals in our underwear on Friday evenings…just to “see what happens”??  WHEN will we admit that?!  When will we admit that sometimes we put secret, hidden, recording devices in women’s bathrooms…at old age homes??  WHEN, we says?!  When will we admit that we think of Cleo, Riff Raff from Heathcliff’s girlfriend when we masturbate…and that sometimes we are wearing a cat mask and we purr as we are doing it?!?!  WHEN, mother-fucker?!?!?!

With two games remaining, Miguel Cabrera leads in all of the A.L. Triple Crown categories, giving him an excellent chance to become MLB’s first Triple Crown winner since Carl Yastrzemski did it in 1967.  1967.  That was a good year.  The Beatles gave us Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.  Dustin Hoffman lit up movie screens in The Graduate.  And my Mommy and Daddy got married.  And then Mommy and Daddy would give birth to Baby Davey in 1977.  And in 1980, after I nearly burned down the house while playing with the stove, Mommy and Daddy would say to Davey, “You were a mistake.”  And in 1982, after young Davey would pour White Out on Daddy’s head while he was napping, Daddy would wake up and say to Mommy, “I told you we should have gotten rid of him.”  And in 1984, after Little Davey would throw an apple at his teacher’s fore-head, knocking off her glasses, Mommy and Daddy would explain to her in an after-school meeting, “We know he’s the Devil.  We apologize.  If we could legally kill him we would.”  Oh, 1967, you the bestest year ever!!!

With the Braves losing  last night, the Washington Nationals have won the NL East!  That’s right!  I said it!  The Washington Nationals, formerly known as the Montreal Expos, have won a division title and are headed to the playoffs for the first time since 1933.  I mentioned this to my great-uncle Charles, who is a big baseball fan, and he nearly passed out.  Of course, when I was talking to Uncle Charles, I was also suffocating him with an old rag dipped in chloroform.  I WANT MY FUCKING INHERITANCE, UNCLE CHARLES, DIE ALREADY!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the Oakland A’s, who have guaranteed themselves a spot as one of the two teams that will play in the A.L. Wild Card Playoff game.  I feel good for the city of Oakland.  They deserve it.  Unlike the city of Benghazi, Libya, who will all the nonsense going on, does NOT deserve a spot in the American League playoffs.  And I hope you NEVER make it to the post-season, Benghazi, EVEN as a WILD CARD team, you sons of bitches!!!  Go A’s!!

See you homies, manana!!!

-Dave (10/2/12)

The remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL are: the Falcons, Texans and…Cardinals??? Whaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! (10/1/12)

 

It’s your October First Davey Mac Sports Report and we have only three undefeated teams left in the NFL…and one of them is the Arizona Cardinals.  Seriously.  I’m not joking.  I mean, does THIS look like a man who doesn’t take things seriously?

OK…well…maybe that wasn’t the best example.  So let me try again.  Does this look like the face of a man who is NOT as serious as they come?!

Fuck.  OK.  Listen.  I’m not always so good with this kind of shit.  Let me give it another go…so is this NOT the image of a strikingly SERIOUS individual?!

FUCK!!!!!!  OK, how about THIS picture?!?!?

THIS PICTURE?!?!?

IS THIS ONE FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!

Maybe there’ll be a serious picture of me as a fucking kid?!?!

…oh, screw it.

Anyway, the Falcons beat the Panthers on a last-second field goal, 30 to 28.  Cam Newton had a big fumble late in the game that cost the Panthers a chance to put it away.  If I was Cam Newton, I’d try to get an endorsement deal with Fig Newtons.  And maybe the commercial could feature Cam Newton dressed up as a big, football-playing Fig Newton running over candy bars, signifying that Fig Newtons are better for you than chocolate.  And then, at the end of the commercial, a fat giant picks up Cam Fig Newton and bites into him and says to the camera, “I just LOVE eating Cam Newton Fig Newtons.  I eat them all the time.”  And maybe the giant has blood squirting from his mouth and then we see Cam Newton screaming in pain as he is being cannibalized right in front of us.  And then the camera pulls back to reveal that all of this was just the dream of a retarded child and that St. Eligius and all the shitty characters in St. Elsewhere were just a figment of the little asshole’s fucked-up imagination!!!

The Eagles beat the Giants last night- 19 to 17.  Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes fell short on a 54-yard field goal that would have won the game for the G-Men.  The win improves Philly to 3 and 1.  And as a totally unrelated aside, I am having massive stomach problems that I am blaming on the game…but probably had more to do with eating ribs this morning that were left out in my garage since Friday in room temperature next to some paint thinner and gasoline cans.  Now that I think about it, in fact, I’m pretty sure the Giants game had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m bleeding internally.  Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be at the hospital.

The Jets got absolutely fucking DESTROYED by the 49′ers yesterday- 34 to nothing.  After the game, Jets coach Rex Ryan spoke to the media and gave what he deemed was a “good recipe for an ass-kicking.”  Said Ryan, “First, you take a pound of sugar.  Then some butter.  A sprinkling of parsley would be nice.  And a little pepper…and…maybe I’m taking this ‘recipe’ thing too literally…I don’t know anymore…I just want to get real liquored up and take pictures of my wife’s feet…peace.”

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to, and I hate to do this, but those damned Europeans for mounting an historic comeback against the Americans in golf’s international battle, the Ryder Cup.  Good for you, Europe…now go pack up your shit and head to Asia ’cause good ole U.S.A. is gonna bomb you mother-fuckers back to the Stone Age with some red, white, and blue fire power!!!  Bombs away!!!!!!

See ya tomorrow, Dave Pound!

-Dave (10/1/12)

The Refs get a standing ovation! Hitler suddenly deemed a “pretty nice guy”! (9/28/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Ravens and Browns played last night, with the Ravens winning, 23 to 16.  But the main story was that the actual NFL officials returned to football.  In this journalist’s opinion, it was great to see the Replacement-Replacement refs back in action.  And hopefully another lockout doesn’t occur, or we’ll get the Replacement-Replacement-Replacement Refs back.  And we certainly don’t need that.  Anyway, the real refs actually got a standing ovation from the fans in Baltimore.  In other news, cats and dogs have squashed their beef and will get married in Massachusetts, Optimus Prime has decided to give up transforming into a large truck and will opt to change into a paper towel instead, Mitt Romney says he will now go by the name Sock Romney, Garfield insists that he will “get off his fat ass and get in shape”, and the Emperor declares that he will begin “listening to Phish and forget about this whole Empire and Dark Side of the Force stuff and just chill out and whatnot.”

And yes, folks, as I said earlier in this Report, there was another NFL Thursday Night Football game; even though it’s fucking September!!  I’m sorry, but I can’t stand by this decision to have football on Thursday’s that aren’t Thanksgiving.  The only solution, to me, would be if America declares EVERY Thursday “Thanksgiving Day” and we celebrate that crazy-assed, Pilgrim-and-Indian-fucked-up holiday every week!!  But that’s gonna take an extraordinary imagination with regards to side dishes!!!  I mean, if we are gonna have Thanksgiving and thus eating turkey every fucking Thursday, then we’re gonna need to come up with some creative ways to cook potatoes!!  ‘Cause although I love ‘em, I’m not gonna be eatin’ sweet potatoes every fucking week, you sons of bitches!!!  I need some diversity!!!!!

…oh fuck it, let’s just go to Pizza Hut instead…

Hey, on this day in 1941, Ted Williams went 6 for 8 in a double-header, putting his average for the season at .406.  In the 71 years since, no man has hit for .400 in Major League Baseball.  And I do not think a player ever will hit for .400 again.  There’s a better chance of my dick falling off then, OH MY GOD, MY COCK IS ON THE FLOOR!!!!  NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL MY PEE-PEE?!?!?  I MEAN, I CAN STORE IT IN MY TUMMY FOR A LITTLE WHILE BUT EVENTUALLY I HAVE TO GET RID OF MY PEE-PEE!!  CAN ONE SHIT PEE-PEE?!?! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey, the knuckle-baller who got his twentieth win of the season yesterday.  I promise I’m not gonna laugh when I write his name but Dickey (giggle), is just having a great year and if they don’t give Dickey (chortle) the NL Cy Young then they owe Dickey–oh fuck it–AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!  I’m sorry!!  But his fucking name is DICKEY!!!  Like PENIS-ey!!  Oh geez, that really cracks me up!!!  I also get cracked up by farts, animals wearing bow-ties, and clowns that are passed out on my mom’s couch.

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL…LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!  Have a good weekend!!

-Dave (9/28/12)

The refs are back! Yaaaaayy!! Wait…or we saying “yay” for referees? That’s fucking weird! (9/27/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and thank you, Jesus, for giving us back the real NFL referees who will be officiating the rest of the games of the year.  First off, I for one am relieved we don’t have to talk about Replacement Refs anymore.  Secondly, I do believe that the opening sentence in this paragraph is the first time in recorded history that anyone has thanked Jesus for giving us referees who, before this season, were among the most loathsome sons of bitches on the planet, next to pedophiles, Nazi’s, Nazi-Pedophiles, Nazi-philes, and Pedo-azi’s.  In fact, I believe it is the first time a deity of ANY kind has been thanked for the men in stripes.  And that includes Buddha, his Hindu buddy Frank, and that freaky Indian Monkey-God that can fly.  Finally, and most important of all, this means that referee-extraordinaire Ed “Terminator” Hochuli and his twenty-four inch biceps are back and are ready to make some seriously INTENSE holding penalty signals, brother!!!!  Yeaaaaahhh!!!!

I can’t believe I would ever say this, but…I love you, Real Referees.  I really do.  I guess I never told you before…but it’s true.  I now realize how much you mean to me, and I’m glad we’re back together.  And if this sounds romantic, even sexual, in nature…well…it’s because it is intended that way.  I wish Ed Hochuli would cradle me like the man-baby that I am and the two of us could elope in France.  Ed and I would feed each other cheesecake and visit the Louvre.  I love you referees, dammit, I really do…

As for the Replacement Refs…well…I HATE you sons of bitches.  I know that many in the media are solely blaming the NFL for putting you in a bad position.  But I also blame YOU, you SCAB cock-suckers.  And I swear that I WILL get revenge on you inept, incapable, and inadequate mother-fuckers as if I am a swordsman from The Princess Bride.  Hello.  My name is Dave-igo Mactoya.  You killed my Monday Night Football.  Prepare to die!!!

Lastly, I have written a classy and informative memo to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who helped perpetuate this embarrassment:

Dear Mr. Goodell,  

                                 You have a really fat neck and no chin.  You sort of look like Patrick the Starfish from “SpongeBob SquarePants.”  Then again, you also have very womanly features…which makes sense…as you are a bit of a cunt.  In conclusion, Mr. Goodell, please take the “NFL Shield” and shove it straight up your dick-hole.  Good day.

                     Sincerely, David McDonald

PS- You probably smell like farts.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to, who else, the NFL referees for coming back and nearly restoring order to my life.  Now if I can only get George Lucas to somehow erase Star Wars Episodes I & II from my brain and my life will be fucking perfect!!!

A brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is now available!!  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the sports bliss!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/26/12)