The NFL- “We are a bunch of dumb assholes…and YOU can’t do anything about it! Muhahahaha!!!” (9/26/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and the NFL is standing behind the INSANE replacement referees who officiated the Packers-Seahawks matchup on Monday Night Football, even though nearly every single human who saw the game knows that the refs fucked it so hard that the game has been having trouble walking for the past 36 hours.  I think that Roger Goodell refuses to believe that Americans have eye balls…that perhaps we are some sort of amoeba without the ability of sight…or possibly that we are just a bunch of Venus Flytraps, sitting on our couches with no vision until a Big Mac flies over our mouths and we spring into action!!  Is THAT what you think of us, Goodell?!?!  HUH?!?!  You piece of shit, we’ll get you, Goodell!!!  We’ll come to the NFL Offices on Park Avenue in New York City and show you what kind of Flytraps we are when we bite your fucking face off, you condescending, patronizing, son of a bitch!!!  We’ll get you if it’s the last thing we do!!!!  (…By the way, reader, I hope you don’t mind me speaking for you as I threaten to cannibalize the NFL Commissioner).

Sources are saying that because of the replacement refs’ wrong call on Monday night, an incredible $150-250 million shifted in bets in Las Vegas and other gambling areas worldwide.  See, that’s why I don’t gamble.  I’m not saying that I’m not without vices of my own, I mean, I do choke small animals every time there is a full moon after all.  And sometimes I hide under the bed at a nursing home in an attempt to scare old people into having a stroke of some kind so that I can then steal all their clothes.  Oh, and occasionally I get liquored up and fall asleep in pre-schools.  BUT…I NEVER fucking gamble.

Sources within the Reds’ organization are saying that in addition to having an irregular heartbeat, manager Dusty Baker actually had a stroke last week.  However the 63-year-old will be back for Cincinnati’s final series of the regular season and the playoffs.  Now THAT is a tough guy…unlike my pussy of a cousin, Liam.  He once sneezed and then said that “his head hurt.”  Poor baby.  Of course, he didn’t realize that in fact I had hit him in the back of the skull with a baseball bat…that’s what you get for stealing my Garbage Pail Kids, Liam, you fucking pussy!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Atlanta Braves who, with their 4 to 3 win over the Marlins last night, have clinched a wild card spot in the NL playoffs.  Good for the Braves.  It should be very exciting to see them once again in the post-season playing in a half-filled stadium, before nonchalant, passionless fans, who would rather watch Bravo then attend a baseball game, the sons of bitches, you know what, Atlanta???  FUCK YOU!!!!!

See you guys tonight for the Davey Mac Sports Program!  LIVE on Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/26/12)

The Packers & Seahawks duel in Clusterfuck Bowl II (9/25/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and seriously, folks, what the fuck are we gonna do about these replacement refs?  I don’t know if we can hire the assassins from Munich to individually shoot these bastards…or if we can lure them into a movie theater a la Inglourious Basterds and blow them the fuck up like the Nazi’s they certainly are…or perhaps rent some Gremlins to generally terrorize these awful people…but we HAVE to do something!!!  One day after possibly saying that a field goal in the Patriots-Ravens game was good when it may NOT have been, the replacements made another mother-fucking mess of the game last night between the Packers and Seahawks when they said that a Packer, who looked to make an interception on a Hail Mary thrown by Seattle, not only did NOT make the pick, but that in fact a Seahawks player caught the ball for a fucking touchdown!!!  Despite a REPLAY showing the Packer defensive back catching the ball, the refs stood by their retardedly inept call and awarded Seattle the game-winning TD.  I can’t take it anymore.  If NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell doesn’t fix this shit immediately, I’m gonna light myself on fire outside his office in New York City like that pacifist did in the ’60′s when he was protesting the Vietnam War.

…Oh, who am I kidding…I’d pussy out…still, I like the idea…I wonder if I could give some money and hooch to some homeless people to light them on fire…NOT that I want to!!!  But I have to prove a point somehow!!

Meanwhile, sources say that Bill Belichick may get fined after touching the arm of a replacement ref after the controversial field goal from Sunday night (some journalists have said that Belichick “grabbed” the ref’s arm; but I don’t think he grabbed it.  When I think of someone being “grabbed”, I think of The King grabbing Elijah Wood or that little red-headed numbskull in Radio Flyer just before he beat them with power tools and shaved their heads or whatever…I don’t really remember that movie, I was drunk.  I only somewhat remember the ending, where that little red-haired spaz flew away on his shitty wagon and then landed on an island full of dinosaurs, where he and his sister were given a tour by possible pedophile Sam Neill.  What a great fucking movie!)

Marlins pitcher Heath Bell implied that manager Ozzie Guillen is “two-faced” in a radio interviewer and that the team does not respect him.  Maybe that’s true, Heath, but you’re fat and you look like Kenny Powers.  As far as Ozzie Guillen goes, he sort of reminds me of a chipmunk, but then again, I’m smoking pot right now…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Yankees’ Andy Pettitte, who threw six scoreless innings in the Yanks’ 6 to 3 win over the Twins.  Good for you, Andy.  You know, I always liked the name Andy.  Andy Pettitte.  Andy Kaufman.  Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption.  I like Andy’s…except YOU Andy Dick, YOU are my NUMBER ONE ENEMY—And I WILL crush you!!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!!!!

Talk to you later, friends and family!!!

-Dave (9/25/12)

The Ravens & Patriots duel in the Clusterfuck Bowl! (9/24/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Patriots and Ravens had a thriller last night with Baltimore beating New England on a last-second field goal, 31 to 30.  Oh, and there were also 24 penalties called.  Oh and oh- the field goal also may not have even fucking gone in.  And the game took 82 hours because these mother-fucking replacement referees suck the elephant dick!!!!  My Lord, enough is enough!!!  These NFL games have gone to shit quicker than Bud Fox from Wall Street!!!!  Football Sunday’s used to be my crown jewel of the Sports World and now they’ve been fucked harder in the ass by these replacement refs than Blue Star Airlines was by the great Gordon Gekko!!!  And as an aside, for fuck’s sake, Bud, why get so high and mighty about Blue Star being taken over by Gekko anyway?!?!  I mean, I know it’s your dad’s workplace and all, but YOU introduced Gekko to Blue Star in the first place!!!  Was it really a surprise when he wanted to buy ‘em out and crush ‘em!!!  Get your fucking head out of your ass, Bud!!!!

The Saints lost in overtime to the lowly Chiefs yesterday- 27 to 24 in OT- putting New Orleans at 0 and 3 for the season.  Well, that about does it.  Put it in the bank- the Saints are DONE this year.  I mean, sure, I’ve sometimes hopped off a bandwagon too early in my past.  But I am giving you a Davey Mac GUARANTEE that the Saints will not make the playoffs.  Don’t hold the fact that I got other GUARANTEES wrong.  I still think that Walter Mondale should have beaten Ronald Reagan for the Presidency in 1984.  And, yeah, maybe I spoke in haste when I uttered the words “This American Idol thing will NOT last.  Guaran-damn-tee.” And ok, I got one wrong when I looked into my crystal ball and proclaimed ”I predict 1,000 years of peace and harmony for Libya and America.  Gauran-fucking-tee.”  Sheesh, I REALLY fucked THAT one up.  Go Saints!

The 49′ers were SHOCKED by the Vikings on Sunday, losing 24 to 13 to Minnesota.  It’s the first time anyone from California lost to someone from Minnesota since Hulk Hogan of Venice Beach was defeated by Jesse “The Body” Ventura of Minneapolis in a cage match, and then put in a sleeper hold, and then hog-tied when he was asleep, and then Jesse “The Body” took a scolding hot fire iron and shoved it into the Hulkster’s ass and, yeah, yeah, I’m pretty sure that this whole thing was another Sizzurp-fueled hallucination.  Sorry about this.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Monday Night Football, for being on this evening.  I think I’m gonna have a good ol’ fashioned football evening, come 8:30.  Some beers, some wings, some chips, some pot, some guns, some threats, some burglaries, some ski masks, some stick-ups, some midgets, some dildos, some shitties.  Just a good ‘ol fashioned Football Night!!!

I see’s ya’s tomorrow’s, Dave Pound!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (9/24/12)

The Giants shit and shut the Panthers! (9/21/12)

 

It’s your September Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and the Giants didn’t just beat the Panthers last night (36 to 7), they kicked the everlasting shit out of them in a manner so violent the G-Men looked less like a football team and more like a pissed-off Sonny Corleone as they took the Panthers by the fucking lapels and threw them over a gate as they proceeded to slam Carolina in the head with a fucking garbage can.  That’s what the Panthers get for laying their hands on Connie!!!  But watch out, G-Men!!  Carolina is fixin’ to have you shot on the Causeway!!  And if that happens, I’m gonna have to say out loud, “Look-a what they did to my football team!!!”

Manny Pacquiao said that he would be willing to take less money than Floyd Mayweather if it would get Mayweather in the ring with him for a fight.  Bam!  Now it’s up to YOU, Floyd!!  Stop the bullshit and get this thing going already!!  I am sick and tired of the stalling!!  I’m also sick and tired of the following:

* People in the hospital complaining about the smell of my farts

* Children who laugh at me when I accidentally cut my leg off while mowing the lawn

* Driving teachers who blame me for crashing their students just because I put hidden bombs and sniper-assassins on the driving obstacle course

* Animals who shriek when I bite into them while they’re still alive

* 7-11 cashiers who refuse me service because I come in with no shirt and no pants on and an Oscar The Grouch puppet on my penis

The Phillies brought the fucking pain down on the Mets last night; as they defeated New York 16 to 1.  That, my friends, is a baseball ass-raping.  I’m not sure if its Deliverance-style, or Pulp Fiction-style, or Davey Mac-style…but it IS an ass-raping.  You know what?  Just forget about that last style of ass-rape that I listed…heh…it’s…it’s really not something you need to know…uh…HEY LOOK AT OVER THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(runs away)

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Washington Nationals; who have clinched one of the Wild Card spots in the N.L.  It is the first time a baseball team from D.C. has made the postseason since 1933; which “supposedly” is a long time ago.  In fact, 1933 “APPARENTLY” is “ALMOST” 80 years ago.  “REPORTEDLY”, that’s “PRACTICALLY” a century ago, but “ACTUALLY”…it isn’t.  This has been David McDonald for the Non-Helpful-Factoid-By-Someone-Pretending-To-Be-A-Journalist-Editorial.  Good day.

See you homies on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/21/12)

Derek Jeter and Lou Gehrig- Best Buddies…or are they? Muhahahahaha!!!! (9/20/12)

 

Its your September Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and by getting his 200th hit of the season last night, Derek Jeter has tied Lou Gehrig for the most 200-hit seasons as a Yankee.  This comes three years after Jeter broke Gehrig’s Yankee record for most hits by a Bronx Bomber.  Somewhere in Heaven, Gehrig must be looking down, and saying, “Holy shit, is this guy gonna break ALL of my fucking Yankee records?!?!  I mean, what did I do to this asshole?!?!  And talk about a privileged life!!  Jeter’s bangin’ a new Hollywood starlet and/or model every other night and I died from a horrific disease that they named after me as some sort of SICK consolation prize!!!  In fact, I bet Jeter will try to get HIS own fucking disease, too, the son of a bitch!!!  Only his ‘disease’ will be some sort of magical virus that makes your dick bigger!!!  Luckiest man on the face of the earth??????  Fuck off!!!  Jesus Christ!!!”

Jesus:  Yes, Lou?

Gehrig:  Can you kill Jeter for me?

Jesus:  No.  No I cannot, Lou.

Gehrig: Shit.

The Orioles won in extra innings yesterday for the fifteenth straight time this season; the longest streak of its kind since 1949 when the Indians won 17 straight extra-inning games.  Do you know how fucking LONG ago 1949 is?  They didn’t have iPads back then!!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!!  What a bunch of nincompoops!!  Also, in 1949, there were no iPhones!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!!!  ASSHOLES!!!  No iPods, or iTouches, iShoes, or iMeatballs, or iJizz, or iMidgets, or iMonsters, or iFarts either!!!  Hahahaha!!!  What a bunch of fucking maroons!!!  Damn, the ’40′s must’ve sucked dicks!!!  I’m Dave McDonald, and this has been Dave’s Retarded Time Capsule Editorial…good day.

Reds manager Dusty Baker has an irregular heartbeat and will have to stay in the hospital for a while to get some tests done.  I always liked the song “Son Of A Preacher Man” and to hear about his heart—

—what?  Dusty Sprinfield you say??  Well shit, I guess I just had a bit of a brain-fart is all.  Anyway, my favorite thing that Dusty “The American Dream” Baker ever did was put Abdullah the Butcher in a head-lock and—

—huh?  That was Dusty Rhodes?????  Well, what the fuck is wrong with the Dave Man today?!?!  My guess would be the five quarts of NyQuil and DayQuil that I’ve drank down while eating some low-grade Ecstasy!!  That would be MY fucking guess!!!!

Boxer Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. tested positive for marijuana after his fight on Saturday against Sergio Martinez.  Who the shit smokes pot before a boxing match?!?!  I mean, sure, I know that Roger Waters once failed a weed test before his bout with Joe Frazier in 1970.  And, yeah, I guess I do recall that Jerry Garcia reportedly smoked the herb before his famous fight against Ali in 1973 (named the Stumble In The Jungle).  Oh, and I currently am smoking up some ganja before I challenge Vitali Klitschko to a no-holds-barred death match…but BESIDES THAT, no one should be smoking pot before a fight for fuck’s sake!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, whose home run led the Dodgers over the Nationals in Game 2 of a double-header, 7 to 6.  I’d like him better if his name was Matt Hemp.  Hey, Roger, Jerry, and Woody Harrelson, we got some sweet Matt Hemp over here, dawgs!!!  Smoke it up!!!!!

See you guys tomorrow!!  And there is a brand new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!  Check it out!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/20/12)

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose…and you can pick off Peyton Manning three fucking times in the first quarter! (9/18/12)

It’s your September Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning threw the ball like Cooper “Graham Cracker Neck” Manning last night, throwing three interceptions in the first quarter, as the Broncos lost to the Falcons- 27 to 21.  I can’t necessarily prove it but I’m pretty sure Manning was intoxicated during the game.  His eyes looked red, and he was sweating a lot.  Basically he looked like me on any given Friday, after I’ve imbibed in an 18-pack of Budweiser and some Jack Daniels, and have filled up a baby pool with my own shit, and have then dove like Greg Louganis (minus the AIDS) into the pool, all fucked-up-like.  I mean, just look at this picture of Peyton:

Now here is a picture of brilliant writer and NOTORIOUS drunkard, Charles Bukowski:

They look like mother-fucking twins!!!  Come one, don’t you see it?!?!  Their heads are both tilted downward, their eyes are half-closed, their lips are pursed as if they’re sucking on an invisible whiskey bottle- they’re BOTH fucking drunk!!!  I see it!!!  Are you telling me that YOU don’t see it!!  Well, maybe I’m a little more boozed up than you are at this moment!!!  I’s been gettin’ my drink on and shit!!!  Maybe you just need to start sippin’ Old Grand-Dad like the Dave Man!!!  Heeeyyy, hey, what are you lookin’ at?!?!  Huh, pal?????  You lookin’ at ME?!?!?  You son of a bitch, wow, this Old Grand-Dad is kinda kickin’ in, you piece of shit, andf fidjfsdjghsdfdofko

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Speaking of booze, Olympic gold medalist snowboarder Shaun White has been busted for public intoxication and vandalism in Nashville.  Apparently he drunkenly pulled a fire alarm at some hotel he was staying at and then tried to kick some guy.  But the guy ended up shoving the “Flying Tomato” into a fence.  Come on, Shaun.  Pulling a fire alarm?  That’s all you got???  Shit, at Fordham University I lit a fucking Christmas tree on fire outside a nun’s house which ultimately led to my expulsion!  Trying to kick a guy?!?!  Shit man, I recently got hammered with Sally Struthers and cut off her fucking feet while she was driving; lead to her getting arrested for DWNF (driving with no feet)!!!  Getting pushed into a fence, Shaun????  Shitties dude, I once was decapitated at 7-11!!!!  MAN UP, Tomato!!!!

Major League Baseball is investigating the curious case of Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar, who for some reason had a gay slur written in Spanish on his eye-black in a game against the Red Sox (the phrase, “Tu ere maricon”, translates into “you’re a faggot”).  Meanwhile, well-known Sox fan, Elton John, wore his own eye-black in retaliation that read If Escobar Hates Gays So Much Why Did He Suck My Cock Last Night? Ohhhhhh!!!  I know what you’re thinking, “That was a very long message, David.”  Well, Elton John wears a SHITLOAD of eye-black!!!!  Look it up!!!  It’s on Wikipedia!!!  He covers his face in eye-black all the time!!  It’s fucking true!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Usually Most Hated Man In Football- Mr. Referee.  Let’s face it, these replacement refs fucked up all kinds of shit this past week and we need the genuine officials back.  Even the players and coaches miss the REAL referees.  Meanwhile, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues to fuck them over and lock them out.  Listen, the only lock out I wanna see anymore, Goodell, is the kind my wife does to me in our house when she finds me naked with a Mr. Potato Head (Darth Vader version) over my dick.  I’m sorry, honey!!!!!!!!!!!

See you homies later!!!

-Dave (9/18/12)

Tom Coughlin to Greg Schiano- “FUCK YOU, PENIS-FACE!” (9/17/12)

 

It’s your September Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Giants and Bucs played a wild game yesterday in the Meadowlands.  The G-Men were down by 14 points in the second half when they mounted a frantic fourth quarter comeback.  Eli Manning threw for 510 yards as New York overcame Tampa, 41 to 34.  However, it is the last play of the game that is getting some press.  With only five seconds to go, the Giants were taking a knee to end the contest when the Bucs defensive line crashed into Eli and players on the offensive side of the ball.  Then, after the game, New York coach Tom Coughlin yelled at Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano for what he perceived was a dirty play.  Coughlin said during the press conference:  “I told him that if he ever tried that again, I am gonna take a pen and stab him in the throat with it eight times until he ‘cries like a little girl.’  Then I’ll take his fucking head and stick it into a fucking vice and start cranking until his fuckin’ eye pops out!!!  THEN, I’ll take ice picks and shove them into his fucking balls!!!  And when Schiano screams out the name ‘Charlie M’, I’m gonna tell him, ‘You mother-fucker!!!  You made me pop your eye out of your fucking head for Charlie M?!?!’  …Incidentally, after the game you can all catch me in an off-Broadway play- Tom Coughlin Performs Martin Scorcese’s Casino.  It’s gonna be great!!!  And definitely a HELL of a lot better than Mike Tomlin Performs Kevin Smith’s Dogma.”

The Patriots were upset by the Cardinals yesterday- 20 to 18.  With seconds to go, Pats kicker Stephen Gostkowski absolutely shanked a field goal that would have given New England the win.  It must be hard being a kicker.  It’s a lonely position.  Plus, according to urban legend, most kickers have very small penises.  I don’t know where they did the study, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate.  Also, when the real football players are practicing, most kickers just sit in the locker room, tasting their own cum.  That’s something I heard.  Again, I can’t prove it.  Also, my friend, Insane Pete, says that he once saw a kicker murdering a Chinese family in New York City and then putting the bodies in his van.  I believe it…I mean…it sounds like something a kicker would do…

In college football, Notre Dame has climbed all the way to Number Eleven in the nation after beating Michigan State over the weekend, 20 to 3.  The Irish next take on 18th-ranked Michigan on Saturday and I cannot fucking wait.  I’m gonna be on the air at Sirius XM Satellite Radio when the game begins and am pretty sure I’m gonna be drunker than Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers…or Dennis Hopper in Rumble Fish…or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider!!  Basically, I’m gonna be drunk and more fucked up than the entire filmography of Dennis Hopper wrapped up in a big bottle of tequila while I watch this Notre Dame game, LIVE on the air on Saturday, with booze running through my brain and beer pumping in my blood!!!  I can’t fucking wait!!!

In their three games this season, #1 Alabama has defeated Michigan by the score of 41 to 14; Western Kentucky- 35 to zero; Arkansas- 52 to fucking NOTHING.  They are beating the holy piss out of people.  Quite frankly, I’m pretty sure if we used Alabama to invade Iran right now we’d crush the shit out of that country in about six fucking days.  Then we could finally build Disney Tehran like we’ve always wanted to, and have all of our fat Americans invade the Middle East in order to wait three hours on a line for a roller coaster that they could have been on in FIFTEEN minutes at Great Adventure!!!

The Davey Player of the Day goes to Cam Newton, whose solid play led the Panthers over the Saints- 35 to 27.  The Saints are now 0 and 2 and are in a little bit of trouble.  Like my Uncle Butch.  Who put jizz in the pancake batter while working as a cook at Perkins.  Hope things work out, Butch!!!

See you folks, tomorrow!

-Dave (9/17/12)

The Packers beat the Bears! But you probably didn’t know the game was on last night, did you? Don’t lie to me!!! (9/14/12)

 

It’s your September Fourteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Packers defeated the Bears last night, 23 to 10, before a live television audience of 16 people.  Listen, I love football.  But for fuck’s sake I nearly forgot about the game altogether because it’s Thursday in SEPTEMBER!!  I was busy watching “Gangnam Style” on YouTube for the eight-thousandth fucking time.  I hate to give in to fads or viral videos but dammit is that song catchy.  I wish I could have a loop of “Gangnam Style” going around and around in my head via a surgically-implanted iTunes microchip that was inserted into my brain with just that one mother-fucking song on it.  For shit’s sake, the Today Show had the “Gangnam Style” guy perform the song TWICE, BACK-TO-BACK, with a commercial break in between and BOTH times I was Gangnam Styling my stupid ass off like I was from South Korea!!  Sexy ladaaaaay!!!!!!!!!

John Madden is the latest member of the media to fart on Tim Tebow, saying that Robert Griffin III reminds him of “a Tim Tebow who can pass.”  BAM!!  CLAM!!!  JIZZ-AM!!  Just add John Madden to the list of famous people who think that Tebow can’t throw for shit.  Here are some of the other quotes:

“Tim Tebow SUCKS BIG FAT DICK…at least, I wish…” – Jerry Sandusky

“Tebow’s passes are shakier than ME!” – Michael J. Fox

“Fuck Tim Tebow.  Fuck him right in the ass.  Fuck his face.  Fuck his ears.  Go to Hell, Tim Tebow.” – The Pope

Oscar De La Hoya admitted that he drank booze while training for his fight against Manny Pacquiao in 2008; and that he even got a little liquored up before the actual match itself.  Well, I’m glad you got that off your chest, Oscar.  I really am.  Have you gotten some peace with that revelation?  Good.  That’s nice to hear…because…I lost two hundered fucking dollars on that fight, you cock-sucker!!!!  Now you OWE me that fucking money, pal!!!  You hear me, you son of a bitch?!?!  I don’t care if it’s a check or 200 dollar bills but I want that fucking money, dick-nose, or you’re gonna fuckin’ get it!!!  I KNOW PEOPLE!!!  You understand, you piece of shit!?!?!  FUCK!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Derek Jeter, who tied Willie Mays for tenth all-time on the career hits list (3, 283).  Anytime you can say that you’ve tied Willie Mays for anything, you’ve done a hell of a job.  I certainly can’t say that.  I can say that I’ve tied my high school janitor, Willie Malcolm, for the most times an individual has jerked off under the bleachers…but I’m not proud of that record.

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL, at 7PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!!

-Dave (9/14/12)

Jim Calhoun- “So long, College Basketball! And Coach K…don’t forget to suck my ass!!” (9/13/12)

 

It’s your September Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and legendary UCONN men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun has resigned.  The man who is probably the most successful contemporary of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski’s is leaving the game at the age of 70.  Calhoun won three National Championships, and had a way of yelling at referees like he was Carla Tortelli from Cheers, who could crudely berate people yet somehow have everyone like her.  One ref said of Calhoun:  “He once called me a pudgy dork when I called a traveling violation.  It made me sad.”  Another official stated of the UCONN coach:  “Calhoun said that I was a ‘balding retard’ after one of his players fouled out.  He then said that I probably ‘don’t have a dick.’  It hurt for, like, three months.”  Yet another ref commented:  “Calhoun once pointed at me and yelled, ‘Look, everyone!  That zebra has man-tits!  Nice, plump, juicy man-tits, Fatso!’  I’m still going to therapy for that one…”

Update on the Yankees-Orioles division race.  Both teams won last night.  Both teams are still tied for first place in the A.L. East.  Update on the Davey Mac senior citizen race.  “Old Man” Fitzgerald currently has taken a lead over Jim “Pops” Mahoney…but that’s only because “Old Man” smashed “Pops” in the brain with his cane.  More updates to come.

Tonight the Bears take on the Packers in Green Bay.  It’s Thursday Night Football!!  And it’s a good game!!  And I guarantee that in two months (just in time for Thanksgiving), we’ll be totally sick of football being play on Thursday’s.  The NFL has never learned that “less is more”; unlike Keith Moon, who was such a great drummer that he decided to die rather than play another fucking snare drum.  I always believe that less is more, which is why even though I could write brilliantly on this topic for paragr—

Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez, who have fought three close fights, have decided to lace up the boxing gloves for a FOURTH time in the ring.  Says actor Michael Caine, “Hopefully the match will be better than Jaws 4!!!!  Hahahaha!!!  But seriously, Jaws 4 really fucking sucked!!!  Hahahaha!!  Jaws 4, more like This Movie Is Shitty!!  Hahahah!!  Thanks, everyone!!  I’m Michael Caine, acting-comedian, so long!!!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Willie Mays, who hit his 500th home run on this day in 1965.  A special bonus DMPD goes to Willie Mays Hayes, who on this day in 1989 finger-cuffed Roger Dorn’s wife with Ricky Vaughn.  Great job, guys!!

Hey homies!  A brand new episode of the online Davey Mac show is NOW up on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Subscribe (for free) and enjoy!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (9/13/12)

Bryce Harper gets a lot of hits and some other shit happens in, honestly, a fucking BORING sports day!! (9/12/12)

 

It’s your September Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and last night was not the most sizzling night for sports news but we’re gonna make the fucking best of it anyway, baby!!  ‘Cause that’s what we fucking do here at the DMSR!!  We make the best of things, but only when we’re not making the worst of things, and when we’re not trying to arm wrestle Fantastic Four’s The Thing, and usually when we’re sucking face with John Carpenter’s The Thing, and definitely when we’re tying up and tickling Howard Hawks’ The Thing!!!

Anyway, the Nationals’ 19-year-old phenom Bryce Harper had his first four-hit game in the Majors yesterday, as Washington beat the Mets, 5 to 3.  And the baseball media is going crazy with excitement.  Great.  Let’s just put him in the fucking Hall of Fame already.  Listen.  I don’t know about you, but I NEVER count my chickens before they’re hatched.  I count them once I’ve chopped their heads off and glued them together in hopes to make a home-made San Diego Chicken-Made-From-Real-Chicken-Heads costume for this Halloween.  I love holidays.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has agreed to meet with the four players he suspended during the Saints bounty scandal.  As the lawyer for one of the players, I have drafted a letter to Goodell on my client’s behalf:

Dear Mr. Goodell,

                              First let me start by introducing myself.  My name is David McDonald and my fingers are a little cummy.  Seriously.  As a result, there probably is some cum residue on this letter, as I am the one who typed it, and mailed it to you.  Thus, you are now touching the cum of a red-headed naked man from New Jersey.  I am not a lawyer.  In fact, this whole thing was a ruse to get you to touch my cum.  FACE,  David McDonald Phd.

PS- I am not a Phd, either.  I added that last part so that you would touch some of my shit, that I put on the “P”.

The Davey Player of the Day goes to J.J. Hardy of the Orioles whose two home runs against the Rays led Baltimore to victory over Tampa, 9 to 2.  With the win and a Yankees loss, the O’s and Yanks are once again tied for first in the A.L. East.  I don’t know about you but J.J. Hardy sounds like the most American fucking name I’ve heard in years.  It might as well be Chip Ass-Kicker or Jim These-Colors-Don’t-Run.  Well done, Hardy!!

Join is for the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE, THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!! Peace!!!

-Dave (9/12/12)