Murray wins the U.S. Open!! Then gets slimed!! (9/11/12)

 

It’s your September Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and by capturing the U.S. Open, Andy Murray has won his very first Grand Slam tournament.  And in doing so, he has become the first British man (Murray is from Scotland) in 76 years to win a Major.  What I liked most about it the event was that Sean Connery was in attendance, cheering on his fellow Scotsman.  In fact, Connery regularly supports people from Scotland.

“He sits in the front row for every single one of my shows,” says Scottish talk show host Craig Ferguson.  “It’s really becoming uncomfortable.  He over-laughs at all of my jokes and I think I once heard him fart.”

“Connery’s been to all of our concerts,” states Garbage’s Shirley Manson (of Scotland).  “Once he tried to come on stage and sing ‘Stupid Girl’ with me.  But he was tackled by our security.  I think he was drunk.”

Says actor/comedian and Scotsman Billy Connolly- “I was on the set of Boondock Saints and, after a particularly difficult scene, I went back to my trailer and found Sean sitting on the floor with no clothes on, saying that he wanted to give me some ‘acting tips.’  I’m…I’m pretty sure he was drunk.”

Meanwhile, last night was a double-header of Monday Night Football.  In the first game, the Ravens pummeled the Bengals, 44 to 13.  In the second game, the Chargers beat the Raiders, 22 to 14.  I have to be honest, I’ll be watching these games today on my DVR, for I was viewing the U.S. Open.  OK?!  Is that cool with you?!  Shit, I’m fucking SORRY that I didn’t watch football yesterday, alright?!?!  But it’s not like I have three heads with which to watch three different sports events!!  And if I DID have three heads, I would most certainly put them to better use than that!!  I think that Head Number One would probably be some sort of gum connoisseur, testing out different varieties, from Hubba Bubba to Big League Chew.  Head Two would most likely concentrate on spitting at people.  And Head Tres (Spanish for “three”) would get fucked up on cheap booze and Oxycontin.  Davey Mac: The Three-Headed Kick-Ass Monster From Hell!!!  See this horror at a movie theater soon!!

The owner of the Astros says that there’s a possibility that Roger Clemens could return to Major League Baseball this season to pitch for Houston.  Clemens is now fifty fucking years old and hasn’t pitched in MLB in five years.  But shit, anything is possible, I guess.  I once saw an 87-year-old man throw a horse off a cliff.  Of course, I had pumped the elderly fucker with steroids and cocaine while he was sleeping, and had gotten the horse piss drunk.  But hey, I fucking won the bet that I had laid.  And Catman, you still owe me ten bucks!!

While on this day in 1985, Pete Rose broke Ty Cobb’s all-time hits record, I think 9/11 has a more significant meaning than what happened in the world of sports.  Thus, today’s Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to all the victims of those Al Qaeda shit-heads in the various attacks on this country in 2001.  And if I had my way, I’d make bin Laden drink my fucking piss.  Even if he IS dead now, I’m gonna make his corpse drink my sour, salty piss.  Anyway, we remember this day.  Peace.

-Dave (9/11/12)

Peyton and Serana WIN! Then they MAKE OUT! HOT! (9/10/12)

 

It’s your September Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning is back, baby.  And he’s throwing touchdowns and winnings football game.  And he’s banging your mom and he’s banging my mom and he’s ripping the arms off of people and he’s suddenly speaking German and he’s baking Scandinavian children and he’s biting the head off an alligator and he’s BACK, baby.  Manning was 19 of 26 passes for 253 yards and two touchdowns in last night’s game which saw Peyton’s Broncos beat the Steelers- 31 to 19.  Meanwhile, the kid who is replacing him in Indianapolis, Andrew Luck, threw three interceptions as the Colts were crushed by the Bears- 41 to 21.  Manning said in a press conference after the game- “We played well today.  Oh, and also…Andrew Luck, you can now go and suck my ass.  Suck it.  Suck it nice and long.  Suck that ass, Luck.  Also, to Colts owner Jim Irsay, you can suck some of my ass, too.  Go ahead.  There’s plenty of Peyton ass to go around.  Anyone who wants some can suck a little ass, dawg.  Yeah.  You know you want to.  Suck that ass.”

Serena Williams defeated Victoria Azarenka yesterday in the U.S. Open Final to take her 15th career Grand Slam championship.  While I feel good for Serena, I must admit, I fear her as well.  I mean, I think Serena could squash my head like a fucking grape.  And she probably would want to squash my head with all the smack talk I like to lay down.  Shit, if we were playing Wii Tennis, I would take Serena to fucking school.  Bam!  Boom!  Jlam!  I must admit I can play the shitties out of Wii Tennis.  I’m like a combination of John MacEnroe mixed with Roger Federer mized with Pete Sampras mixed with Luke Skywalker mixed with Gandalf the Grey mixed with He-Man mixed with Jesus.  And thus, after I annihilated Serena, I would smack talk all kinds of shit.  At which point, she’d turn around, and most likely squash my head like a grape.  FIN.

The Redskins’ Robert Griffin III beat the Saints in his NFL debut, 40 to 32.  Griffin threw for 320 yards and two touchdowns.  I confess- I was very surprised that RG3 played this well in his first pro game.  But then again, I was drunk as hell when I made my mistaken prediction- “RG3 will have a horrible game and will most likely have his dick ripped off by a Saints linebacker.”  I was also drunk as hell when I said the following:

* “I just farted on my dad’s head.”

* “Who else find’s squirrels hot?”

* “Does anyone know where I can get some herpes medicine?”

* “Why does my ass feel like there are Jolly Ranchers in it?”

* Oh…there are Jolly Ranchers in my ass.  How the shit did that happen?!?!”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mark Sanchez of the Jets, who threw 3 TD’s in New York’s 48 to 28 romp of the Bills.  Tim Tebow saw a little action as well, but was booed by the New York crowd after not gaining many yards in the Wildcat offense.  I am not a fan of the Jets organization but I have to give credit where credit is due.  And since I am giving out credit, big ups to C. Thomas Howell for his performance as “Robert” in 1984′s Red Dawn.  I know the credit seems long overdue, C. Thomas, but at least I’m giving it to you!!  So don’t fucking complain!!  I mean, it’s not like every other journalist is dying to give you credit, you ungrateful bastard!!!  Well, fine, if you don’t want my credit then I fucking rescind it!!!  Fuck YOU, you credit-less ingrate!!!!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (9/10/12)

The Orioles and Yanks are all tied up! In my basement! With a gun pointed at them! (9/7/12)

 

It’s your September Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the Orioles smashed six home runs off the Yankees last night, beating New York 10 to 6.  In doing so, the O’s and Yanks are now tied for first place in the American League East.  Well, I’ll be.  Just when you think you know how things are gonna turn out, something like this happens.  Well, someone oughtta put a flute up my assy and start playin’ Yankee Doodle Dandy!  I says, someone shoulda take a hefty softball size a shiat and throw it at my eye, blinding me for life, forcing me to wear an eye patch, and having kids a-call me Captain Shit-Eye.  Well, I says, dagnabbit, someone might as well toss me on a bonfire of old cummy porn magazines, cuz this is the CRAZIEST pennant race I’s a-seen in years!!!!  Yeeeehaaaww!!!

A new report says that the New York Jets have the highest average ticket in the NFL (at $117.94).  The Patriots are second at $117.84.  I can understand the New England ticket price as they have tended to win some fucking Super Bowls since 1970!!!  But for cunt’s sake, Jets organization, what the shit is your fucking team’s excuse?!?!  Did you add an extra fifteen bucks for that asshole Fireman Ed and his hideously lame J-E-T-S routine that hasn’t been fun since Vinny Testaverde was the fucking QB?!?!  Or are you charging tons of money for fans to see a bunch of over-hyped assholes act like bigger primadonnas than the combined pussies of Aretha Franlin and Mariah Carey?!?!  OR, are you just a group of greedy cock-suckers with less morals than God-Damned Leatherface?!?!  My guess- ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE!!

A third-grader in Colorado was sent home from school for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey.  The reason- the number 18 is associated with a gang.  The child returned the next day wearing a Mariano Rivera jersey, but was immediately sent home as the number 42 is associated with Hitler.  The child returned the following day with a Larry Bird jersey but was sent home as the law-makers who made these rules once had 33 heads up their asses.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Novak Djokovic who has played his way into the U.S. Open semifinals.  Novak, whose nickname is “The Joker”, has been warned not to enter any movie theaters unless he wants to be shot by a S.W.A.T. team.

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Go to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) for the show and whatnot!!  Peace!!

-Dave (9/7/12)

Tony looked GREAT! No-Romo! (9/6/12)

 

It’s your September Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Tony Romo and the Cowboys took it to the New York Giants last night in the first game of the NFL season (Dallas won, 24-17).  Romo threw for 307 yards, with three touchdowns, completed 22 of—

—oh fuck it I can’t do this!!  Look, I know the fucking guy played well, OK?!  I’m fucking admitting it!!!  What else do you want me to say?!?!  Tony Romo played well!!  There!!  Better now?!  I will tell you this, though- it doesn’t make him any less of a fucking douchebag!!  What with the backwards hats, and the shit-eating grins, and the un-tucked shirts, and the three rape convictions, and the illegal performing of midnight abortions, and the building of a Meth lab that would put the Breaking Bad people to shame, and the murder of five Fraggles when high on PCP, and the cannibalization of Art Modell…Romo is STILL a fucking jerk!!!  I don’t care WHAT you say!!!

And yes, in case you didn’t hear, that last part was true.  Art Modell is dead at the age of 87.  I mean, I can’t prove that Tony Romo ate the old bastard, but I have my suspicions.  Anyway, Modell was the owner of the Baltimore Ravens but may best be remembered for ripping the heart out of Cleveland and moving the Browns to B’More.  I suppose I should give my deepest sympathies to the Modell family…but instead I’ll say good riddance, you money-grubbing pig!!!  Art Modell traumatized an entire city that, although they eventually got their Browns back, STILL hasn’t recovered to this day.  For fuck’s sake, Halle “Born In Cleveland” Berry was so distraught from the Browns leaving, she ended up having sex with Billy Bob Thornton!!!  Burgess “Mr. Cleveland” Meredith became so upset he fucking had a heart attack during a Clubber Lang fight!!!  And Alan “Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I’m from Cleveland” Ruck was so disturbed by the Browns’ exit that he tried to fucking drown himself in a God-Damned pool!!!  In summation, FUCK YOU, Art Modell!!!!

After a radio host in Boston, Glenn Ordway, asked Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine if he has “checked out” of this awful Sox season, Valentine responded by saying that he would like to “punch (Ordway) right in the mouth.”  Bam!!!  Take THAT, Ordway!!  Bobby V went on to say to Ordway:  “Yeah!!  I’d take your mouth and punch the FUCK out of it!!  Then I’d take your head and shove into a shit-filled toilet eight or nine times!!!  Yeah!!!  THEN I’d take your dick and squeeze it with a pair of pliers until it turned purple and exploded!!!  Yeah!!!  Then I’d shove a fucking cobra up your ass while I’d draw a set of tits on your fore-head!!!  Yeah!!!  I’m Bobby FUCKING Valentine, Ordway, the ‘Toughest Man Alive’, and I’ll FUCK YOU UP HARD!!!”

With the Yankees beating the Rays yesterday, coupled with the Orioles losing to the Blue Jays, New York has regained sole possession of first place in the A.L. East.  This pennant race is the unlikeliest thing that I have seen since Al Roker raped Wanda Sykes on the Today Show.  That was some fucked-up shit, Al.  I mean, Willard Scott would have never done that…oh, who am I kidding, they didn’t call Willard “The Rape Machine” for nothing!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to some tennis stiff named Tomas Berdych from Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where City who took down the world’s greatest tennis player, Roger Federer, in a stunning upset at the U.S. Open last night.  Congrats, Berdych.  Now go back to your bullshit anonymous Eastern European country and get your fuckin’ shinebox!!!!

We’ll talk to you tomorry, Friendies!!!

-Dave (9/6/12)

The NFL is BACK, baby!! It’s jizz time!! (9/5/12)

 

It’s your September Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and thank Jesus the Lord Almighty- FOOTBALL is BACK.  TONIGHT.  The defending-champion New York Giants take on the Dallas Cowboys.  I am hard.  Please skip these next few sentences if you don’t want to hear this…

…but I am as hard as a fucking ROCK for this game tonight.  No, I take that back…I’m as hard as THE Rock for the game!  No, wait.  I’m as hard as THE Rock if he was in the movie “The Rock” with Nicolas Cage and was getting jerked off by former Montreal Expo Tim “Rock” Raines and the cast of “Third Rock From The Sun” was putting their fingers up all of our asses!!!  Then, I would jizz into Nicolas Cage’s eye and say, “…And keep the change, you filthy animal,” which would be a quote from the film “Home Alone” and wouldn’t make much sense, but I’ve run out of “rock” references…

…See?  I told you to skip those last few sentences.  You should have listened to me…

The Baltimore Orioles fucked up the Toronto Blue Jays last night- 12 to nothing- and in the process are now tied for first place with the Yankees in the A.L. East.  Damn.  I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming.  I mean, I’m usually great at prognostications.  After all, I accurately predicted that Kathy Ireland would use her success from “Necessary Roughness” to start her own line of furniture and would use the legs of one of her couches as a dildo while she sucked off a robot made to look like her former co-star Scott Bakula, and that she would stream all of this live on the Internet.  Bam!  Another prediction I fuckin’ nailed.

Penn State has reported that the university spent nearly $17 million to deal with the Jerry Sandusky child-sex scandal.  Christ almighty, that’s a lot of money that one guy caused an establishment.  Imagine if there was no Jerry Sandusky incident.  The university could have used all that dough to build a God-Damn Penn State Death Star if they wanted to.  Then they could have set the giant, Penn State Death Star laser gun on Sandusky’s dick and blown it to pieces.  BLAM!  Next, I would have targeted the studio where they shoot “Two And A Half Men”…’cause I can’t stand Ashton Kutcher.  KABLOOM!!!  Then, I would set the laser on Wayne Brady’s dumb, smiling head.  PABLOOOOWWW!!!  Lastly, and not specifically in this order, I would aim the laser at codfish (disgusting-tasting), Drew Carey (I want Bob Barker back), and my own porn collection (I get embarrassed throwing porn in the garbage).  BOOM!  GAZAAAAAM!  FLU-FLYYYYY!!!  That’s how I would have handled it.

The Miami Dolphins have released quarterback David Garrard, who was set to make $2.5 million if he was on the opening day roster.  Garrard has been sidelined due to a knee injury.  I feel bad for the guy.  He’s a decent QB but cannot stay healthy.  Kind of like Rock Hudson.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Garrard doesn’t have AIDS.  I don’t want to be fucking sued here!!!  I’m not implying that this son of a bitch has AIDS!!  I was trying to imply that this son of a bitch is a decent person but if this son of a bitch wants to fight in court then fucking BRING IT ON, PUNK!!!!!  And now that I think about it, that was another fucking “rock” reference!!!!!!  FUCK!!!!  Angry Dave- over and out!!!

Andy Roddick’s match in the U.S. Open was suspended last night due to rain.  He is currently leading 1 to 0 in a first-set tie-breaker against Juan Martin del Potro.  I predicted on one of the Davey Mac Sports Program‘s that Roddick would definitely NOT make it to the semi-finals.  If I’m wrong, then I will eat my hat, my shoe, my left nipple, my dog, my Poo Diary, my stolen celebrity jizz-rag collection, and my hostage.  Maybe I’m just hungry…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Pacino, who was THE STAR of the Davey Mac Sports Program “Drunken Given Sunday” show…which was our intoxicated tribute to the most fucked-up football movie ever.  NOW AVAILABLE on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Check it out and let Al Pacino, whose breath I believe smells like garlic Triscuits, entertain you with his special haircuts and beautiful speeches!!  Oh, and Dave, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O are there and are drunk and farty, too.  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the shit!!!

See you tomorrow, homies!!

-Dave (9/5/12)

Andy Roddick- “So long, fuck-heads!!!” (8/31/12)

 

It’s your August Thirty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Roddick has announced that he will retire after this year’s U.S. Open.  Good riddance, cupcake.  No offense, but Roddick was one of the most disappointing “superstars” ever.  He only won the one U.S. Open title…and then NO other majors.  But I guess that he did get that Brooklyn Decker broad…so that’s a plus.  I don’t know.  I have to be honest with you…I am more fucked up than a Samoan at a Bon Jovi concert right now.  Shit, I’m more fucked up than Large-Asshole-Larry at the 2012 Spanish Dildo Convention.  Jizz, I’m more fucked up than the time I slapped Leslie Nielsen in the head because I mistook him for Phil Donahue (Phil Donahue once raped me).  Anyway, adios, Andy!!

A Houston Texans’ fan fell to his death from an escalator last night in Reliant Stadium during a Texans’ preseason game.  I feel for the man and his family.  That’s a horrible way to go.  Me?  I’d rather have my life end by being torn limb-from-limb by monkeys who have a bad case of herpes and even worse attitudes.  Either that, or I could climb a beanstalk and fall into a Giant’s extraordinarily large toilet bowl where I would suffocate under a humongous piece of Giant-Shit.  Or maybe I could be choked out by Regis Philbin.  You know…something peaceful and practical…that’s how I want to go out.

Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie says that the team, which has yet to win a Super Bowl in the history of the franchise, needs to do better this year.  Well, NO FUCKING DUH, Jeffrey!!  And I to stop shitting in my sleep every time I dream about pretty horsey’s but you don’t see ME complaining!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mr. Oliver Stone, who directed the football classic Any Given Sunday; which will be honored by The Davey Mac Sports Program and The Watchers, LIVE, TONIGHT, at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Ustream!!!  JOIN US for the cinematic-radio event of the year!!!  Peace!!

-Dave (8/31/12)

FBI: Joe Paterno received death threats! Davey Mac: Good!! (8/30/12)

 

It’s your August Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the FBI has released a file regarding Joe Paterno in which they state that Paterno received many threatening letters over the years.  Here’s a few of the letters the FBI is showing the public:

Dear Coach Paterno,

                                         You should go by the name Joe Camel because your God-Damned nose is bigger than that smoking animal-asshole’s shnoz, for crying out loud, and he’s a fucking CARTOON!!  Hey Paterno, is that a nose on your face or a God-Damned baby’s head?!  My Lord, man!!  Hey Paterno, Earth called! It said it’s running out of oxygen due to your freakishly gigantic nose sucking in all the God-Damned air!

                                            Signed, Don Rickles

Dear Joe Pa,

                        Can you ask Jerry Sandusky if he has any extra dildo’s lying around?  Thanks, silly-billy!

                            Sincerely, Andy Dick

Dear Joey,

                        My ass really hurts.  You know, I’ve really come to have a distaste for prison-rape!  Anyway…Happy Labor Day, buddy!

                            Your Friend, Jerry Sandusky

The Nationals’ Bryce Harper hit two home runs yesterday before getting thrown out of the game for slamming his helmet to the ground after he hit into a double play.  In my opinion, I don’t think Harper should have been ejected.  He was clearly angry at himself and not the call at first base.  In my opinion, the umpire acted like an asshole.  In my opinion, I think the way we look at pets specifically and the world in general would change tremendously if cats and dogs could be trained to talk like humans.  In my opinion, we’d stop masturbating in front of them.  That is a fucking fact.  Also, we probably wouldn’t allow them to see us shit.  In my opinion, if cats and dogs spoke English, they’d never shut the fuck up about what horrible God-Damn animals human beings are.  And then, in my opinion, there would probably be a World War III between all the humans on the planet vs. all the cats and dogs and, in my opinion, there’d be fucking carnage all over the place!!!!

The National Football League has announced that they will use replacement officials to work the first week of games while the NFL referees continue to strike.  SCABS!!!!  Fucking SCABS!!!!  Go FUCK yourself, SCABS!!!!  My daddy was a union man, you sons of bitches!!!!  My daddy didn’t get up at 2:30 in the morning just so you SCABS could take his job, you cock-suckers!!!  My Daddy didn’t break his legs, workin’ on the railroad, just so’s these fuckin’ SCABS could come in and replace him!!!!!

…ok…

…ok, fine…you got me…my daddy wasn’t a union man.  He was a vice-president at a rather large pharmaceuticals company…and we lived comfortably…

…FUCKIN’ SCABS!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former All-American Notre Dame running back and current radio broadcaster for the Irish, Allen Pinkett, who said that it was a positive thing that Notre Dame had to suspend a few of their players this year because when one “looks at the teams that have won in the past, they have always had a couple of criminals…I’ve always felt like to have a successful team you’ve got to have a few bad citizens on the team.”  In related news, Pinkett also said that his favorite team of all time was the 1942 Berlin Fighting Nazi’s football team, who went 14 and 2 in league play and also killed a lot of people.

That’s it, baby! Please check out this week’s Davey Mac Sports Program (online version), now available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  See ya later!!

-Dave (8/30/12)

Andy Roddick IN! Caroline Wozniacki OUT! IN! OUT! IN OUT! This headline is making my privates all tingly! (8/29/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Andy Roddick has won his first-round match-up in the U.S. Open.  Meanwhile in the women’s division, eighth-seeded Caroline Wozniacki, scene in the titillating photo above, lost.  Wozniacki, pictured in the sensual picture above, has been playing with an injured knee and Wozniacki, seen in the dick-spanking pic above, was battling a struggling serve and boy, what we here at the Davey Mac Sports Headquarters would do to that broad.  We don’t care that she’s from Denmark, which we regard as America’s Number ONE Enemy.  Nor do we mind that she’s dating that Frodo Baggins-look-alike Rory McIlroy, we’d show her a REAL good time.  We’d take out the dick and say to her, “Let’s see if you can hit THAT serve, baby”…which we know doesn’t make much sense…oh, who are we kidding…we’d pussy out…we’d just look at the floor and never say anything to her…we suck…

Former Penn State faculty members criticized the NCAA and former FBI director Louis Freeh for “unfairly” treating the university after former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was found guilty of kid rape.  I think what these faculty members are failing to realize was that one of their coaches was fucking found guilty of kid rape.  And then the head football coach covered up that one of his assistants had been committing kid rape.  And maybe they should also consider, oh fuck it, KIDS WERE GETTING RAPED IN YOUR SCHOOL YOU FUCKING NITWITS!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!

In a radio interview Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman said that he was not surprised that former Yankees Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon were suspended from baseball after failing drug tests.  Cashman further commented that he also was not surprised when people try to give him a piece of cheese because they confuse him for being a giant mouse.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented toilet paper because this journalist has had THE SHITS today, boy!!!  EEeeeeeehhhh-yaaaahh!!!!

See you homies this evening for the Davey Mac Sports Program at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on Ustream and/or RiotCast.com!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (8/29/12)

The U.S. Open begins! My dick is hard! Not because I love tennis that much! I think it’s more of a medical problem! (8/28/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the U.S. Open kicked off yesterday.  Roger Federer and Andy Murray both won easily in their respective matches.  I went to the U.S. Open once when I was about 12 years old.  It was fun.  Until I ran into Pete Sampras.  I asked him for an autograph and his response was- “Get away from me, kid.”

…get away from me, kid?!?!??!  That’s how a measly tennis player answers a child who wants his fucking autograph?!?!  What a piece of shit!!!  I mean, tennis is what, America’s seventh or eighth most popular fucking sport?!?!  And this scumbag can’t give Mini-Davey Mac his damned signature on my dumb fucking Adidas hat?!?!  Well, don’t think that I’ve forgotten about this, Sampras!!!  You’re on my LIST, buddy!!!  Along with Al Roker, Jeff Goldblum, Dave Winfield, and Alex Trebek!!!  You’re on the fucking LIST, pal, you better watch your God-Damned back!!!!!

The Bills have cut Vince Young.  The former NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year has seen his career rapidly descend since 2007.  Times have gotten so bad for Young, in fact, that he was recently spotted in Texas jerking off cows for a company called “Uncle Larry’s Cow Jizz.”  No…I’m just kidding.  But things have gotten so bad for him that Young was seen charging football mascots ten bucks to allow them to blow him.  The Chicago Bear apparently visited him four times.  Nah…I’m just jokin’.  But seriously, things have gotten so bad for Young that the only way he can make money these days is by joining the Jim Rose Circus and becoming Vincy the Dick-Cutting Quarterback, where he chops his own and other people’s cocks off.  And I’m pretty sure that last one is true…but then again…I’m drunk.

Penn State officials say that they will not continue their tradition of playing Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” at home games because the lyrics (“Touching you, touching me”) could be linked to pedophile Jerry Sandusky.  That’s smart.  I suggest playing “Touch Me” by the Doors instead…no wait…nevermind.  Maybe “We Fuck Kids In The Shower” by Heart…nope…that won’t work…geez, this is harder than you think.  What about “The Defensive Coordinator Rapes Children” by the Beatles…I don’t know…oh!  How about “I Really Love The Fuck Out Of NAMBLA!” by Tom Jones.  Yeah!!!  That’s the one!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre, who went three for three with a home run last night against Tampa Bay as the Rangers beat the Rays- 6 to 5.  In his last eight games, Beltre has also homered three times in one game, and hit for the cycle in another.  The only thing one can negatively say about Beltre is that his name is Adrian.  Unless you’re married to Rocky, Beltre, we don’t care for your fucking name!!  This world is only big enough for ONE “Adrian” and her last name is fucking Balboa!!  And, yes, that includes YOU, too, Adrian Brody!!!  The both a ya’s are now on my God-Damned LIST!!!

Adios, Davidos!!

-Dave (8/28/12)

J-E-T-S-T-I-N-K!!! (8/27/12)

 

It’s your August Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the New York Jets have become the first NFL team in thirty-five years to fail to score a touchdown in their first three preseason games.  I know that it’s only preseason, and Jets fans may believe that it is not time to panic…but in this experienced journalist’s opinion…panic, Jets Fans, fucking panic!!!!  Build a fucking bomb shelter underneath your houses and avoid the fucking upcoming football season as if it were a God-Damn nuclear bomb that was about to be detonated by a drunk Bill Belichick!!!  Stock up on weapons and canned goods as if Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are gonna create some sort of Y2K Doomsday scenario that will leave millions of Jets fans abandoned and exposed…ready to be shot in the fucking head and then posthumously raped by hordes of AFC barbarians!!!  Come up with some sort of survival strategy for this Football Apocalypse…hey, maybe you can offer Fireman Ed up to the cannibalistic Raiders fans as a show of good fucking faith!!!  I don’t know!!  But whatever you do, Jets Fans, make sure you fucking PANIC!!!!

The Little League team from Japan beat the team from Tennessee yesterday in the finals of the Little League World Series, 12 to 2.  One Japanese boy, Noriatsu Osaka, hit three homers and a triple in the game.  I don’t know about you, but if I were a scout, I’d sign the kid right fucking now.  Then I’d bring him over to our country and let him stay at our house, where I would feed him eight to ten hamburgers a day.  Then I’d gradually increase the hamburger total to hopefully 40 hamburgers in an hour.  And when he was 16, and weighing at 650 pounds with the ability to eat 42 hamburgers in one sitting, he would probably ask, “Mr. David, when are we going to play some baseball?”  At which point I’d turn to him and say, “We aren’t, kid.  I’m a hamburger-eating-championships scout.  Your baseball days are through.”  He’d probably start crying then…but I’d shove a hamburger in his mouth to quiet him down so I can get some God-Damn sleep…

The Seattle Seahawks have cut Terrell Owens from their team.  This means that T.O. and Ochocinco are out of the NFL currently.  In an unprecedented move, this journalist has decided to extend an invitation to them for my Wiffle Ball tournament this Saturday (Davey Mac Wiffle Ball Tourney).  But I demand that BOTH men wear funny, red wigs in my honor.  Also in my honor, they should be slightly intoxicated.  Furthermore in my honor, T.O. and Ocho should throw the bat out of anger towards the “kids area” in disgust after making an out.  The bat will then nearly hit a baby…at which point people will start screaming that the game is “too competitive” and “not fun” and we will play the three remaining innings in uncomfortable silence…the only sound being the far-away crying of a toddler who is frightened by the “strange group of scary people” as he points at us sadly.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Peyton Manning who threw his first two Bronco touchdowns yesterday…though I personally would have been more impressed had he thrown two actual broncos instead.  You know, maybe he did an extra-strong shot of steroids and picked up a horse and threw him threw the fucking uprights for a field goal.  Then, maybe Peyton could have snorted a line of coke and chucked the other horse out of the God-Damn stadium.  Denver 10 – dumb, untrained horses nothing.

See you later, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (8/27/12)