Ichiro on the Yankees!! Ichiban- number one!! (7/24/12)

 

It’s your July Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Yankees have acquired Ichiro from the Mariners for two minor league shmizbo’s and some cash.  And in his first game in pinstripes he singled and stole a base against his former team.  As an aside, if the Yankees are on the road, would that previous statement be accurate?  After all, the Yankees do not wear their pinstripes on the road…they wear their gray uniforms.  On the other hand, “pinstripes” is synonymous with “being a Yankee.”  So maybe it is grammatically correct.  And since we are hypothesizing here, if I put a garden hose up my ass, how much water could I shoot up it?  And if too much water rocketed up it, would my ass suddenly explode?  Can I get married to a hamster if I wanted to?  Is “Alan Thicke” his real name?  When I seal envelopes with jizz instead of saliva, could I get in trouble?  Are there any farms that grow dildo’s?  These questions and more in the best-selling book: Dave-A-Netics…by D. Dodd Hubbard.

We broke the Penn State punishment yesterday so if you want our take on it, read the July 23 Sports Report.  But I will say this, it was absolutely fucking appalling when ESPN showed these young, half-retarded, soulless Penn State kids who were about to cry when they heard that the football team would not be eligible to play in any bowl games for the next four years.  Here’s a pic of these empty, cold-hearted twats:

Hey bitches, you are aware that some kids got RAPED in your fucking school, right?  Maybe you should prioritize a little, you vapid shits!!!

I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell at you.  It’s just that you are acting insensitively.  Please stop crying.  I didn’t mean it…

…what the fuck are YOU people crying about?!?!  Shit, lady, you’re WAY too old to be behaving like this!!!  FUCK!!!  Get a grip, you cock-suckers!!!!

And by the way, do all you people in Pennsylvania shove your whiny, sobbing faces into your hands when you cry?!  Doesn’t that smell bad?!?!  Like sweaty palm stink-hands?!?!  Get a tissue like the rest of us, dick-noses!!!

Meanwhile who would ever have thought that Bobby Bowden would be a voice of reason.  When asked how he felt now that he has more wins than Joe Paterno (since the NCAA vacated all Penn State wins from 1998 to 2011), Bowden put things in perspective: “There’s no rejoicing in the Bowden household,” Bowden said. “The most important matter is the young men who suffered.  I won’t be able to enjoy it under the circumstances.”  Good for you, Bobby.  Your years at Florida State had their own controversy with players not meeting academic requirements and taking money, but at least they were not God-Damn pedophiles!!!  I say Bobby Bowden for President!!  I’ll even write his slogan for him: “None of my coaches and players fucked kids in the ass!!  FACE, Joe Paterno!!!!!!  …This message was not approved by Bobby Bowden as he has instructed Davey Mac never to write slogans for him and to stop drunkenly breaking into his house.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Hines Ward, formerly of the Steelers, and now playing for the Gotham Rogues, who not only scored a touchdown in The Dark Knight Rises, but managed to run away from a collapsing football field while the earth beneath him was imploding.  This makes your Dancing With The Stars win look like pussy shit, Hines!!!  Bane would be proud!!

See you tomorrow, dogsies!!!

-Dave (7/24/12)

Adam Scott- CHOKED!! Penn State- FUCKED!! Davey Mac- Puked!! (7/23/12)

 

It’s your July Twenty-Third Davey Mac Sports Report and I love nothing more than a good choke-job…well…maybe I like a hand-job a little better.  But just a little.  Oh, and I also like a nice foot-job (where someone takes there foot and rubs it on David, Jr. aka Mr. Penis aka Mr. Softee aka Davey’s Miniature Flesh-Stump-That-Looks-Like-It-Was-Made-With-Pink-And-Purple-Spotted-Play Doh aka Dave’s Dick).  AND, I also like a nice ass-job (where I take my bare ass and put it on the bare ass of an unsuspecting hospital patient who has been knocked out with anesthesia).  Anyway, Adam Scott of Australia had the Open Championship all wrapped up.  He was ready to win his first Major Championship.  With four holes left to play, Scott had a four-shot lead.  And then, the God-Damn wheels fell off faster than when two Firestones flew off my shitty Chrysler LeBaron when I was driving on the Parkway!!!  Scott bogeyed EACH of the final four holes while 42-year-old former champion Ernie Els roared up the leader board and stole the championship like a Shit Thief taking feces out of people’s asses in the middle of the night.  Before Scott knew it, Els was holding up the Claret Jug and Scott was left shattered and broken, like a porno gang-bang starlet who has just been jizzed on the face by seventeen guys and then told by the props man that the film crew is out of towels.  Well, you know what, Adam?  We’re out of towels, pal, we’re out of fucking towels.

Well, so much for Joe Paterno.  The last remnants of his legacy, most noticeably the fact that he left college football with more wins than any other Division I coach, have just been burnt up in a bonfire of pedophilia and cover-ups.  The NCAA announced their penalties on Penn State this morning and, in the words of Pennsylvania poet Ned Ryerson, they are a fucking doozy.  You couldn’t have said it any better, Needle Nose.  Penn State has been fined $60 million, they will be banned from post-season play for four years, they will lose scholarships, and probably worst of all for Penn State fans, they will be vacated of ALL WINS from 1998 to 2011…which means that Joe Paterno will no longer be number one in career wins.  Well, that about does it, the last nail has been hammered squarely into Paterno’s coffin.  It’s been slammed so hard in fact that the nail went through the wood and is now going straight into Joe Pa’s skull, splitting it in half.  And there are little worms and bugs now crawling around in Paterno’s dead head.  And at midnight tonight, I plan to dig up Paterno’s grave, take his destroyed skull, and drink cognac out of it to celebrate the facts that PSU got a just punishment and that I like cognac.  And by the way, and this is directed to Ned Ryerson…did things ever work out between you and Phil Connors’ sister Mary Pat?  Just curious…bing!!!

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning Paterno’s statue outside of Penn State’s football stadium was taken down.  I watched it live on ESPN.  Actually, I just watched a make-shift fence with a blue tarp on it live on ESPN.  Apparently they put that there so that people wouldn’t be disturbed by seeing an icon’s statue being torn down.  Personally, I love a good statue destruction- Paterno, Saddam Hussein, Stalin, and any of the other villains of history.  I wish I was there at Penn State so that after the Joe Pa statue was on the ground, I could have taken my shoes off and hit the statue with them a la Arab people.  BAD statue…BAD!!!!

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to the Oakland A’s for sweeping the Yankees, winning every game by one run.  I guess Moneyball works afterall.  Maybe we should employ the team strategy of other baseball movies…which means we should be looking at penitentiaries for pitching phenoms like Major League and we should probably get a fat, freckled, red-haired kid to catch the pitcher like The Sandlot.  And if that idea doesn’t work, we’ll just go home and jerk off instead.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!!

-Dave (7/23/12)

Thanks a lot, Rex Ryan! Now that you’ve lost all that weight, who are we gonna call “Fat Fuck”? Does Butterbean still box? That fat fuck!!! (7/20/12)

 

It’s your July Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and, as you can probably tell from that headline, it’s one fuck of a slow sports day!!!  Yeeeehhaaaww!!  That is why we are starting off with the shockingly unimportant non-news story that Rex Ryan has lost 106 pounds.  He went from 348 foot-jobs to 242 foot-jobs and looks quite-

—I’m sorry.  Did I say “foot-jobs”?  I meant “pounds.”  Sorry.  Anyway, by dropping over 100 footsies he—

—Shit, I apologize, I did it again.  In any event, Rex Ryan has lost so much naked-middle-aged-man-with-a-hard-cock-looking-at-sweaty-feet that he—

—Boy, I really am sorry about all these mix ups!  It’s just that I was a little sad about Ryan’s weight loss because I didn’t know what I was gonna to mock him with.  But I forgot about those glorious foot fetish videos!!  Whew!!  Thank Jesus that we still have those to fall back on!!!  …Anyway, as an aside, I think that thin Rex Ryan looks a little like Richard Dawson.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m a bit drunk.  It is Friday after all.

Round 2 of the Open Championship is in progress and right now American Brad Snedeker is in the lead at 10 under par.  I always thought that Snedeker looked like an adult, live-action version of Elroy Jetson, who was one of the better cartoon children, if you ask me.  Not like Lisa Simpson.  Listen.  No one loves The Simpsons more than the Dave Man.  But if I find out that a particular episode’s main plot-line is going to revolve around Lisa, I go- CLICK- and I turn the channel to something else.  Or I go on the internet and browse Smurf porn.  That’s my bag…Jesus…slow fucking sports day…

Jeremy Lin was introduced by his new team, the Rockets, yesterday.  LINSANITY is now in Houston.  Meanwhile, Crazy Eddie in still in bankruptcy.  Shit.  SLLLOOOW fucking sports day indeed.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Casey McDonald, my wonderful wife, whose birthday is on Sunday!  But since I don’t write Sports Reports on the weekend, I’ll take this time to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  I got you a very special gift, honey…(spoiler alert)…a poster of me with my shirt off!!!  Cherish it forever!!  Love, Davey Mac!

See you guys Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL, LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!!  Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the joy, the lubrication, and the Popsicles!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/20/12)

Dwight Howard to the Lakers? …How the fuck should I know?!?! (7/19/12)

 

It’s your July Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and here is the latest on this endless Dwight Howard drama that is becoming more tedious than the “Vito and Johnny Cakes” plot-line of The Sopranos’ sixth season.  Apparently, Howard is close to going to L.A. where sources say that he would sign a contract extension to stay on the Lakers for good.  This comes shortly after Howard stated that no matter what team he plays for this season he will NOT sign an extension with them and will opt into free agency.  Christ, almighty, Dwight!!  Make up your fucking mind already!!!  At least Vito was decisive!!!  He saw “Johnny Cakes” make those fucking flap-jacks and wanted him some Johnny Cakes cock!!!  Bam!!  He knew what he wanted, and he sealed the deal!!  You could learn a lesson from Vito, Dwight!!  I suggest sleeping over Kobe’s house, Dwight.  And the next day, should he make you some pancakes, you go on a motorcycle ride with him and make love in a park!!!  Problem fucking solved!!

The Open Championship began today.  The leader in the clubhouse is Adam Scott, who shot six under par.  Tiger Woods had a good round at three under.  I have asked this before and I’ll ask it again, when did the “British Open” change its name to the “Open Championship”?  It’s fucking confusing, it is.  If someone says to me that Tiger shot a first-round 67 in England, I would usually reply to them, “I guess Tiger is gonna have himself a good British Open.”  At which point that person would start chuckling condescendingly.  I would ask them: “Why the fuck are you laughing at me?”  To which they would respond (in a British accent):  “Because, mate, it hasn’t been called the British Open in years!  You bloody Americans and your mistaken information!!  Haha— OUCH!!  What the fook was that?!?!  Owwwww!!!!”

“THAT,” I would say, “is an AMERICAN fucking baseball bat slamming into your hobbit-ish teeth for chortling at the Stars & Stripes!!!  Eat Louisville Slugger, you limey bastard!!!”

THWACK.

Some students at Penn State have started a vigil around the Joe Paterno statue to protect it from vandals and other people who want to see the statue torn down.  I have a name for these kids’ organization- The “Our-Priorities-Are-Out-Of-Fucking-Whack-And-We-Love-Pennsylvania-Pedophiles” Club.   (Or the O.P.A.O.O.F.W.A.W.L.P.P.C for short).  Too blunt?

The Davey Mac Player of the goes to the makers of Pepto Bismol, who have helped me finally stop shitting today.  Honestly, in the previous 48 hours, I have taken at least 17 Number Two’s.  And my ass was bleeding all over the place from the wiping.  Anyway, I hope you’re not eating while you read this.  No one needs to visualize my bleeding, shitty, purple, swollen, checkered, frog-like, dripping, sweaty, farty ass while they eat!!

We’ll see you THIS EVENING on RiotCast.com/Ustream at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program, homies!!!  Peace!!!

-Dave (7/19/12)

Linsanity........Arrivederci!!! (7/18/12)

 

It’s your July Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and an era has ended.  Like My So-Called Life, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, and Al Roker’s Fart Time before it, LINSANITY in New York is the latest prime-time show to be cancelled after a short but sensational run.  The Knicks have decided not to match the Rockets’ offer to Jeremy Lin, and thus, he is off to Houston.  Well, it was fun while it lasted (all three fucking weeks of it).  Or is it possible that the Knicks have made the right choice?  And that Jeremy Lin is just a one-hit wonder, like Flock Of Seagulls…or Van Halen…or Gandhi…who knows?  I certainly don’t have a crystal ball…I pawned it two days ago for an old television set so that I could watch a Pawn Stars episode about a red-haired guy pawning his crystal ball for a shitty TV.  Ummagumma!!!!!!!

When NBA Commissioner David Stern said that future Olympic basketball teams should only consist of professionals 23-and-under, Kobe Bryant replied, saying that Stern’s proposal is “a stupid idea.”  Slam!!  I like when people call David Stern, or any sports commissioner for that matter, “stupid.”  It’s like when John Bender mouths off to Principal Gleason.  Yeah!!  Take that, jerk!!!  Speaking of which, am I the only person who found Bender’s imaginary dialogue/fantasy fight where he pretends to stand up to his dad, and plays both roles, kind of annoying?  Don’t get me wrong, I was impressed that Bender was a good enough thespian to act the part of his father as well as himself, but it was a little Tyler Durden-ish.  If I was one of the the kids in that Breakfast Club, I would have punched Bender in the face and stolen his pot for being such an over-dramatic cry-baby.  Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, Bender!!!!!

Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch of the Seahawks is the latest athlete who has been arrested on suspicion of DUI.  I don’t understand these guys.  They make multi-millions of dollars.  Take a cab!!  Shit, with their money, they could probably buy the fucking cab company!!!  I never drive drunk.  Now, I’m not gonna say that I haven’t eaten some peyote and piloted a blimp from time to time.  OK, fine, I do it every Sunday.  But I have to train if I’m gonna compete in the Highin’ Hindenburg Championships!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former popular Red Sox third basemen Kevin Youkilis (who is now on the White Sox), for hitting a three-run home run in his return to Fenway (Chicago won, 7 to 5).  Youkilis, who was possibly traded for having tension with new Boston manager Bobby Valentine, had this for a comment: “Hey Bobby V, how does it feel to have a 32-ounce bat shoved up your ass?!?!  Huh, Bobby?!?!  How does it feel?!?!  And if you say ‘Good’, then I know a radio show who would love to see how many inches you can take, LIVE on the air!!!  See ya later, fuck-face!!!”

Reminder- the Davey Mac Sports Program will be LIVE on THURSDAY at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on RiotCast.com and Ustream!!  Subscribe for free to the show on iTunes!!!  See ya tomorrow for another Sports Report and for the show!!

-Dave (7/18/12)

Yeah, Mr. President! Get it on!!! (7/17/12)

 

It’s your July Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the USA basketball team beat Brazil yesterday- 80 to 69.  Yet the real story was that President Obama, who was in the audience, was featured on the Jumbotron Kiss Cam, not once, but twice during the game yesterday.  The first time, Obama choked.  He did not kiss the First Lady on the Kiss Cam, perhaps due to embarrassment, or perhaps due to the fact the he is the fucking President and this shit should be fucking beneath him!!!  Regardless, the crowd booed him for being a stick-in-the-mud who may or may not have a birth certificate.  However for the second Kiss Cam moment, and after consulting a panel of fourteen pollsters, advisers, and make-out experts (which included James Carville, Tila Tequila, and Bret Michaels), Mr. Obama grabbed Mrs. Obama’s head and sucked some serious face (in front of his kid no less)!!!  At this moment, the clearly sick and disturbed people in the stands cheered as if they had just coerced some Presidential Porn.  “Yeah, Barack!” a particular fan was heard to exclaim while conspicuously having one hand in his pocket, “take her to the ORAL Office!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!” *

* Editor’s note- The “fan” was in fact the author, Davey Mac; and the Secret Service has demanded that David stay 150 yards away from the President at all future basketball games.

In the ongoing Jeremy Lin saga, my sources are telling me that the Knicks will not match the Rockets’ offer to Lin and thus let him walk.  My sources are also saying that I need to clean my testicles more thoroughly…as they supposedly have a distinctive “old socks dipped in milk and farts” smell.  In full disclosure, my “sources” are my wife and my urologist, Dr. Touchy.

A woman has been arrested for stalking Chicago Cubs general manager Theo Epstein.  Meanwhile his brother, Juan Epstein, had this for a comment: “For starters, Theo is not my brother.  I am a sitcom character and not a real person.  I have told this to Dave several times, though he is usually drunk.  Secondly, I am currently dead.  I died in January.  So I don’t even know how I’m releasing this statement.  Anyway…Sweathogs forever!!!!”

The Davey Mac Poop of the Day goes to Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant for being arrested on a domestic violence charge after he reportedly…hit his mom.  Classy move, Dez!!  Hey!  I have access to a puppy in case you want to come over and kick him in the teeth!!!  The Dallas Cowboys- America’s Cock-Suckers.

See ya manana, banana!!

-Dave (7/17/12)

1 D.W.I. and 0 L.I.N!! Just another shitty Knicks Monday!! (7/16/12)

 

It’s your July Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Knicks, fresh off of the Brooklyn Nets stealing some of the New York limelight, have finally gotten some attention this summer.  First off, their new elderly point guard Jason Kidd was arrested for driving drunk.  And secondly, sources say the team will probably not re-sign their ONLY ray of sunshine from last year’s turbulent season- Jeremy Lin.  “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” said French novelist Alphonse Karr.  Loosely translated, the Knicks and their typically shitty organization are making the wrong, fucked-up decisions as usual!!!!  “What a bunch of jack-offs!!!” added German writer Franz Kafka when thinking about the Knickerbockers.  “My shites are smarter than those cock-suckers!” exclaimed Irish author Jonathan Swift once when asked to describe the Knicks.  And finally, when thinking of yet another farty Knicks season that lay ahead of him, American writer Ernest Hemingway said simply, “Does anyone know where I can get a fucking gun?!?!”

Ever hear the phrase “Let sleeping dogs lie”?  Bobby Valentine hasn’t.  Even though the Red Sox manager got his wish of having Kevin Youkilis traded off the team (to the White Sox), Bobby V has still found time to take a shot at Youkilis, stating that it was Youkilis and not Valentine who created the friction between them.  Valentine basically called Youkilis a pussy for being angry at Valentine after Bobby V questioned Youkilis’ heart.  Why, Bobby?  Why bring this up?  WHY??  And why wear a fake mustache in the dugout?  And why have a voice like a Muppet?  And why claim that you invented the sandwich wrap?  And why piss on my aunt when you dated her in 1968?  And why deny that indeed you did piss on my aunt?  And why take out a restraining order against me after my drunken claims that Bobby Valentine pissed on my aunt?  WHY, Bobby?!?!?!

The Paterno family is going to conduct their own report, reviewing the Freeh Report, which stated that Joe Paterno, among others in positions of power at Penn State, covered up the fact that former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was a pedophile.  Move on, Paterno’s.  So your old man hid the fact that his right-hand guy liked to fuck under-privileged kids…we ALL make mistakes…

…EGADS, but not THOSE kind of sick, fucking mistakes!!!!  Damn, Joe Pa was one shitty old person!!!  Good luck, Paterno’s…you’re gonna need it, you in-denial assholes!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Atlanta Braves pitcher Ben Sheets…who was out of Major League Baseball for two years before coming back and beating the Mets yesterday- 6 to 1.  Congrats, Ben.  It reminds me of the one time I retired from Wiffle Ball for three years, only to return and hit a home run my first game back.  OK, fine.  I didn’t retire really…I was force-ably asked to stop playing (i.e. suspended) after I blew up a particular Wiffle Ball umpire’s car.  It wasn’t because he made a bad call.  It was because I found out that my girlfriend at the time gave him a hand job.  You’re goin’ down, blue!!!!!!

See ya tomorry, cuddle pals!

-Dave (7/16/12)

FBI director- “Joe Paterno and his old face are probably rotting in hell.” (7/13/12)

 

It’s your July Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and, as we reported yesterday, former FBI director Louis Freeh, assigned to investigate the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State child molestation scandal, says that Joe Paterno, among others, covered up the sex abuse in order to protect the reputation of their university.  Fuck, Joe Pa.  You were one ruthless son of a bitch.  I haven’t seen an Italian-American who was in such great standing take this much of a turn for the worse since Michael Corelone went from war hero to wearing neckerchiefs.  Seriously.  I don’t care about the countless people Michael killed…to me the real evil shit that he committed was wearing those fucking horrible Imus scarves in Godfather Part III.  Hey Michael, unless you’re gonna try to do a morning radio talk show, get rid of the fucking neckerchief already!!!!  It’s God-Damn embarrassing, it is!!!

Terrell Owens is reportedly $20,000 late on his child support payments.  I say we cut T.O. a break.  He’s been a humble, straight-laced, good citizen all these years.  Sure, he’s had a misstep here and there.  But who hasn’t?  I say we look past the time he celebrated on the star in Dallas, or when he tried to kill himself, or the times he has bizarrely broken down and sobbed at press conferences, or that one day he tried to blow up Jeff Garica with TNT, or the week he kidnapped Donovan McNabb and tried to sell him to football-loving Arabs, or the time he took a giant shit and then sculpted it into a pair of head-phones and put them on coach Andy Reid’s head, or the time he grabbed two 49′ers cheer-leaders and forced them to make out at gunpoint, or the game where he went into the crowd after a touchdown and grabbed the little blonde kid with glasses from Jerry Maguire and spiked him so hard in the end zone that his eyes exploded.  Terrell Owens…Class Act.

Blake Griffin was injured during Team USA practice and will miss the Olympics.  I don’t know about you, but “Blake Griffin” is a very pompous-sounding name.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Griffin.  But with that name, it feels like he should be doing weird shit with those Skull And Bones freaks from Yale University.  I don’t know what they do over there but I heard that it’s some sick shit.  I’m probably not even supposed to talk about it.  In fact, just disregard this whole paragrpah and—

—what was that?!?!  I just heard something!!!  Oh shit!!!  The lights just went out!!!  They’re HERE!!!  The fucking Skull And Bones are here and they’re gonna get me ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Well, we had yet ANOTHER day of zero games for the four major sports.  I suppose I could give the Davey Mac Player of the Day to the U.S. basketball team for beating the piss out of the Dominican Republic, 113 to 59.  But I didn’t watch the game.  I was busy jerking off to old episodes of Facts Of Life.  Fuck it, I’ll give the Player of the Day to Blair.  Nice job, bitch!!!!

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!!  LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Sirius 206, XM 105!!  Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!!  Adios, Davidos!!!!

-Dave (7/13/12)

Barkley to Kobe- “The Dream Team would take the heads of each player from your team and squarely shit on them. Fin.” (7/12/12)

It’s your July Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and after Kobe Bryant said that he believes this year’s Olympic basketball team would beat the 1992 Dream Team, Charles Barkley laughed it off…saying that the Dream Team would win by at least ten points.  Ouch.  Personally, I agree with Kobe.  I think Tyson “I Can’t Make A Layup” Chandler would crush David Robinson and Patrick Ewing.  And I’m sure Andre “I Kind Of Suck” Iguodala would just destroy Karl Malone and Barkley.  And I’d be really willing to bet that James “I Don’t Even Start On My Regular Team” Harden would soundly defeat Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and a guy named Michael FUCKING Jordan!!!  Pull your God-Damned head out of your ass, Kobe!!!!!  And once you do pull your head out of your ass, you should audition for the Jim Rose Circus as “The Black Mamba Contortionist” where you could make tens of dollars on the freak show circuit!!  Just don’t get to close to “The Enigma”…he’ll eat you alive!!!  Hahahahaha!!!

The Freeh Report, the investigative document regarding Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State child sex abuse scandal, has just been released.  In it, former FBI director Louis Freeh says that Joe Paterno, among others, “failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade.”  Sounds like a cover-up to me!!  And cover-ups are always as bad (and sometimes worse) as the crime itself.  From Watergate to Monica Lewinsky to the time I tried to hide the fact that I accidentally killed my pet hamster when I was eight because of foolishly thinking I could teach him to swim.  He died of pneumonia shortly after the back-stroke lesson.  Then, rather than telling my parents that Chubby (that was his name) was dead, I simply put him in my brother’s fish tank…thinking that he would look like was of those fish tank decorations, like a deep sea diver or sunken treasure chest.  Little did I know that dead hamsters float…and that, when opening the top of his tank to feed his fish one afternoon, my brother instead would be terrifyingly treated to a deceased, water-logged Chubby staring at him with frozen, dead, hamster eyes.

The ESPY awards were last night.  And in an editorial note from your humble and eloquent author…

Who gives a FUCK?!?!?!

Since yesterday is the only day of the year where you get no professional baseball, football, basketball, or hockey…there will be NO Davey Mac Player of the Day given out.  Instead, I am going to eat my cheese steak and peruse YouJizz.com for a porn scene with a fat secretary in it.  Just something I’m into lately.  Peace.

-Dave (7/12/12)

The The National League POWNS the American League!! Not sure what “powns” actually means but I’ve seen it used on the Internet!!! (7/11/12)

 

It’s your July Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the National League beat the American League, eight to fucking nothing, last night in the All-Star Game.  Former Yankee and now San Francisco Giant Melky Cabrera won the game’s MVP award.  Nice move, Brian Cashman (Yankees GM), by trading Melky away.  Who did you get in return?  Oh, that’s right- Javier “I Am The World’s Worst Pitcher And I Want NO Part Of New York City” Fucking Vazquez!!!  Nice fucking trade, Cashman, you weasel-looking son of a bitch!!!  Seriously- Cashman literally looks like a God-Damn weasel!!!  And I don’t mean it in a Bobby “The Brain” Heenan kind of way!!!  I mean that Cashman looks like that shitty animal!!!  FUCK!!!!

The world’s friendliest basketball player, Jeremy Lin, is reportedly angry at the Knicks for not yet offering him a contract as lucrative as the one the Rockets offered.  Shiiiiiiit.  You hear that, Knicks?!  You’ve gotten Linsanity pissed!!!  That’s like getting fucking Gandhi ticked off!!!  That’s like having Martin Luther King want to punch you in the dick!!!  Shit, that’s like Jesus Christ himself taking a fucking baseball bat to your God-Damn testicles!!!  Well, you been powned, Knicks!!!  You been POWNED!!!!

Sources are saying that Drew Brees may hold out of training camp if he does not get the contract he’s looking for.  Listen, Saints organization, give this mole-faced freak the money he deserves.  Pre-Drew Brees New Orleans had fans wearing bags over their heads and people getting raped in the Superdome.  Post-Drew Brees NOLA has fans without the bags and people still getting raped in the Superdome.  If you care at all about New Orleans, Saints, give your best citizen the fucking money!!  And while you’re at it, give you second best citizen, Ms. Anne Rice, a sandwich already!!!  She’s looking fucking gaunt!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented Gatorade.  I don’t know his name.  I think he was at the University of Florida.  But I’m as hung-over as a banshee and this damned Gatorade is helping me out.  Now, if I only had another Davey Mac Player of the Day award to give to the guy who invented Slim Jims and my life would be perfect.

See you tomorrow, my happy pals!!!

-Dave (7/11/12)