Prince Fielder- big bat! Prince Charles- big ears! (7/10/12)

 

It’s your July Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Tigers’ Prince Fielder is your Home Run Derby AND early ’90′s braids champion.  Seriously, what’s with the hair, Prince?  You look like you should be in Color Me Badd, for fuck’s sake!  Come on!!  You’re a big dude!!  That is a very bad look for very thin, usually awful looking people and/or annoying children!!  Remember the kid-rap-group Kriss Kross?!  Well now you look like THOSE little mother-fuckers, Prince!!!!  Or, with the fact that you’re fat, you sort of look like braided Axl Rose!!  Welcome to the Jungle, Prince, you chubby bastard!!!!

The Yankees have told Reggie Jackson to stay away from the team after Reggie shot his mouth off like an old asshole, saying that all the modern players who have surpassed him in career home runs don’t really count, since they were most likely on performance-enhancing drugs.  He also took several shots at several Hall-Of-Famers, saying that the deceased Kirby Puckett, RECENTLY-deceased-from-a-fucking-brain-tumor Gary Carter, and a few others don’t belong in Cooperstown.  Wow!!  Reggie really likes taking shots at dead guys!!!  Hey, Reggie, do you have any problems with Lou Gehrig?!  He died of a horrible disease, too!!!  How about Catfish Hunter?!?!  His life had a tragic ending!!  Why don’t you go to Catfish’s grave and shit and piss all over it!!  Or maybe you should just go and kill the Queen, Reggie…that’s all you’re fucking good for!!  Oh wait!!  You couldn’t even get THAT done!!  Frank Drebin foiled you!!!  Loser!!!

Adrian Peterson quoted Winston Churchill on Twitter recently when addressing charges that he struck a cop:

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Churchill

Meanwhile, the police officer who was allegedly hit by Peterson fired back, quoting another World War II leader:

“I hate black people.” – Hitler

Lastly, this author quoted yet another 1940′s politician last Friday during the Roger Waters concert at Yankee Stadium:

“I’ve drank so much booze and smoked so much pot that my legs no longer work!  Haha!!” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bo Jackson.  Being that tonight is the MLB All-Star Game, let’s go back to 1989 to one of the great moments in All-Star history where football/baseball-playing Jackson hit a crushing home run and won the MVP.  I was just a little kid then, but that shit was awesome.  I remember being so excited that I even pissed a little in my panties.  I probably should not have told you that I urinated myself as a child.  I also probably shouldn’t have told you that I wore panties.  Oh well.

See you tomorrow, dogsies!!!  This week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (internet version) is now available!!!  Get it from RiotCast (our brand new podcasting network) or the usual spot at iTunes!!!  Adios, homies!!!

-Dave (7/10/12)

Federer- CHAMP! Murray- CHOKE! Who got it right? The Sports Master did, that’s fucking who!!!! (7/9/12)

 

It’s your July Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and I am one accurate-prediction-fucking-machine.  With regards to Wimbledon…what did I tell you?  I feel like DeNiro in Goodfellas when he yelled at Johnny Roastbeef over here (“What did I tell you?!  Huh?!?!  What did I tell you?!?!?!”).   Well, if you said, “Sports Master, you told us that Andy Murray, despite the entire United Kingdom including that retarded Royal Family and Cummy Spice being behind him, would choke and lose at Wimbledon,” then you would be correct!!!  Now grab yourself a prize from the Dave’s Jizz-Stained T-Shirts Prize Wall.  You deserve it!!!

After Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira said that Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla was a “head-hunter,” Padilla fired back, stating: “I think, maybe, (Teixeira) picked the wrong profession.  I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport.”  Boom!!!  Did you hear that, Tex?!  Padilla just said he wants to fuck you like a woman!!!  Padilla wants to take your cock, Texy, turn it inside out, shove it up into your body, and fuck it like a pussy!!!  Then he wants to jizz in that cock-pussy of yours, Tex!!  Finally, Padilla would like for you to squeeze the semen out of your dick-vagina and let it drip into Padilla’s mouth!!!  At least, that’s what I took from the quote!!  But I have seafood poisoning and I’m drunk!!!

The Home Run Derby is tonight.  My prediction- Harmon Killebrew will take down Rocky Colavito in extra innings, 6 to 5, picking up a gigantic sum of two thousand dollars in the process.  He will then invest the money in his very own sex toy business- Harmon’s Killer Dildo’s.  Congrats, Harmon!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bob Kelly & Rob Sprance of RiotCast.com who, with their brilliant vision, have signed up the Davey Mac Sports Program, the most awesome sports show on the internet and on Satellite Radio, to RiotCast.com, one of THE BEST networks out there.  Thanks, homies!!  Our first show is TONIGHT, LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Check it out HERE.

See ya later, Dave Pound!!!

-Dave (7/9/12)

Take The Money And Lin!!! (7/6/12)

 

It’s your July Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Jeremy Lin has verbally agreed on a four-year contract worth $30 million with the Houston Rockets.  Once the contract is actually signed, the Knicks have three days to match it in order to retain Lin.  And word on the street is that the Knicks are leaning away from re-signing him.  If the Knicks don’t figure out how to get Linsanity back into Madison Sqaure Garden, this’ll be the biggest disgrace New York has seen since former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani was spotted attempting to give Joe Torre a hand-job during the 1998 World Series.  Having barely survived that scandal, Rudy would embarrass himself again by texting Torre cock picks in the 1999 W.S.  Hey Rudy, we know you’re a big Yankee fan already, but cool it!!!!  Torre has to prepare for the Braves you sick freak!!!!

Meanwhile, the Knicks have made a deal to get a point guard…they’ve signed 111-year-old Jason Kidd.  The elderly Kidd says he feels great due to going through a blood-spinning procedure and being the keeper of the One Ring of Sauron.  In addition to Kidd, the Knicks are also looking at adding the following veterans to their roster:

* Oscar Robertson

* Coach from “Cheers”

* Regis Philbin

* Moses

* Yoda

* the cast of Grumpy Old Men

* Maude

* Dumbledore

Right now Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic are playing in the Wimbledon semifinals.  Federer is up 2 sets to 1, with a three game to none lead in the fourth set.  That is all the live, up-to-date coverage I can give you, I guess…well…I suppose I can tell you that I am not wearing a shirt as I write this.  Nor do I have pants on.  Also, I have a Voltron puppet on top of my groin area.  And I am chugging some very old Budweiser.  Furthermore, I have not cleaned up some dog shit that my pet Strummer naughtily made near my computer desk…thus my bare feet are touching animal poo.  There.  Now THAT is serious live coverage.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Roger Waters, for going to Yankee Stadium tonight and playing The Wall.  And Davey Mac will fucking be there, Roger!!!  And David would like to meet you back-stage, Roger!!!  And Dave would like to take one of your sweaty shirts and squeeze the perspiration onto his beard, Roger!!!  Make it fucking happen, Roger!!!!

See you homies Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!!  Adios!!!

-Dave (7/6/12)

Kobe & Nash- much better than Franklyn & Bash…but not as good as Tango & Cash! (7/5/12)

 

It’s your July Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Lakers have just gotten a hell of a lot better by signing two-time MVP Steve Nash.  This puts L.A. back as one of the teams to beat in the NBA.  In an unrelated author’s opinion, Nash really needs to cut that hair of his.  Listen, I’m not saying the guy needs to look like a fucking Marine over here…but every time he has to push his hair behind his ears like he’s that fucking douchey freshman in Dazed and Confused, I wince as if someone just karate chopped my asshole.  And in a double unrelated author’s opinion…have you ever noticed how many times that kid from Dazed and Confused touches his nose?  It’s fucking out of control.  Watch the movie as soon as you’re done reading this and you’ll see that bad-acting fart-face to touch his nose twenty fucking times!!  It’ll drive you nuts, I promise you.  It’s God-Damn distracting it is!!!!!  I recently watched the DVD extra’s of that movie, and they had a “Where Are They Now?” feature, and apparently where that kid is now is FAT.  He’s a big pork-chop.  He probably couldn’t get any more acting gigs…that’s what he gets for doing such a shitty job, the fucking nose-toucher!!!

Meanwhile the Rockets have offered Jeremy Lin a deal worth close to $30 million and insiders are saying that it’ll be difficult for the Knicks to re-sign Lin at that price.  If the Knicks can’t get Linsanity back, they’re gonna be fucked.  Not literally, of course.  That would be weird.  Having someone fuck an entire basketball team would probably not even be possible…unless you’re porn star Jasmin St. Claire…or “Queen of the Gang Bang” Blanche Devereaux.  That old whore sure did get around.  I guess that’s what you do in Miami if you’re not Cuban, you just become elderly and get your fuck on…not a bad life, when you think about it.

The Devils received bad news as their captain, Zach Parise, flew the coop and surprisingly signed with the Minnesota Wild.  As a Devils fan myself, I would like to walk up to Parise (hopefully in a large ballroom) and say: “I know it was you, Parise…you broke my heart!  You broke my heart!!!“  Then I would kiss Parise on the mouth, indicating that while I was close to him once, he is now dead to me.  Then I would fly back to my house in Lake Tahoe and yell at my wife.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Andy Murray of Great Britain who has advanced to the Wimbledon semifinals for the fourth straight year.  Unfortunately, he has yet to win the championship.  And I don’t see him winning this year.  Not unless Novak Djokovic or Roger Federer get into some kind of weird helicopter accident where, while sight-seeing over London together, their chopper crashes into the Thames River and their dicks fall off.  But let’s face it…if THAT happened, it would be a MUCH bigger story than some British guy winning a tennis tournament.  Face.

We’ll see you THIS EVENING at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program- LIVE on Ustream!  Peace!!

-Dave (7/5/12)

Joe Johnson- have yourself a nice little cat-nap till Brooklyn!! (7/3/12)

 

It’s your July Third Davey Mac Sports Report and after years of shitting all over the New Jersey Turnpike, the now-Brooklyn Nets are looking like players in the East.  First, they’ve traded for six-time All-Star Joe Johnson.  Secondly, they are close to re-signing one of the best point guards in the NBA, Deron Williams.  And now, we have reports that the Nets are interested in acquiring Dwight Howard from the Magic.  Wow.  I haven’t seen a basketball team improve this much upon leaving Jersey for New York since the Newark Crack-Smokers became the Harlem Globetrotters.  It was before their point guard changed his name to “Curly Neal” from “Shakey Withdrawal”.  And it was before the Trotters were on Scooby-Doo; yet instead appeared on Yogi Bear where they ended up stabbing Park Ranger Smith and taking his hat.  Play ball!!!

Tony LaRussa, who will be managing this year’s N.L. All Star team, has gotten some shit from Reds manager Dusty Baker who thinks LaRussa didn’t choose a couple of his players because of a brawl between the Reds and Cardinals two years ago.  LaRussa denies this, saying: “The comments Dusty made clearly disappoint me and are attacking my integrity.  After all, I’m a man who battled and defeated SHINGLES for fuck’s sake!!!  How many people, besides sailors, medieval serfs, and 17th century whores, even GET Shingles in the first place?!?!  Well, I did!!  And I fucked Shingles right in the ass!!!!  Yeeeeehhhaaaww!!!  This has been Tony LaRussa, for the Shingles Show, saying good-night, Shing-bots!!!”

Andy Murray has advanced to the Wimbledon quarterfinals for the fifth consecutive year.  Let me give you a Davey Mac Prediction right here and now: for the fifth straight year this choking limey will yet again LOSE, failing to become the first Englishman to win a Wimbledon championship since 1936.  Every year it’s the same- Murray gets far in the tournament, the British people get all excited, London puts billboards up…and he takes a big, steamy shit right on Centre Court.  And then he picks up the shit with little white gloves on, walks over to the Queen’s box, and shoves it right into her old, melting face.  Finally, he declares publicly that he is now “King Murray, Lord of the Shite”…and exits.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Thomas Jefferson for writing the Declaration of Independence.  Since I have tomorrow off, there will be no Sports Report (also this week’s podcast will be on THURSDAY), which means I need to say my “Happy July Fourth” today.  So…Happy Fucking July Fourth, Dave Pound!!!  And remember, Thomas Jefferson was a red-head!!!  See??  We’re not all freakish assholes like Carrot Top and Eric Stoltz!!  Some of us are decent human beings!!!!  Have a great Fourth!!!

- Dave (7/3/12)

Tiger attacks the Golden Bear…and Chef! Never get out of the boat!! (7/2/12)

 

It’s your July Second Davey Mac Sports Report and Tiger Woods won his 74th career professional golf tournament yesterday; moving him past Jack Nicklaus for second place all-time (Sam Snead is number one with 82).  That’s a shitload of wins.  I don’t think I could match that number with anything that I’ve ever done in life.  Let me see…I guess I have been naked in front of animals around eighty times…so that’s one thing.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve farted in a funeral home 95, 96 different times.  So that’s another.  Oh, and I’ve spanked it to the yearbook photo of my seventh grade math teacher, Miss Banks, around 2,345,862 times.  So I have that in the record books…I guess I’m a more accomplished person than I thought!!  Yay!!!!

Josh Hamilton has received more than 11 million votes for the 2012 A.L. All Star team, the most votes ever given to one player.  We have an official statistical breakdown of the voting and found that:

* 2 million people who voted for Hamilton like crack

* 1.3 million prefer Meth

* 4 million enjoy being drunk in bathrooms

* and the rest have bad tattoos on their arms while they annually and drunkenly let sorority girls do body shots off their chests and then inevitably apologize 24 hours later, claiming to be born-again Christians until they do the exact same thing in downtown Dallas a year later.  Congrats, Josh!!

Sources say that Dwight Howard has demanded to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets.  Please let this deal be done already.  I haven’t been so sick of a sports story since we found out that Phil Simms routinely flies to a Slovak city where he tortures NFL sideline reporters in some sick warehouse.  Enough already!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Spain soccer team for kicking the shit out of Italy, 4 to nothing, and winning the Euro Cup.  This is the third major title for Spain and honestly I can’t fake it anymore, I find this sport boring.  So here’s a gif of Homer Simpson dancing on some very small hills.

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!!  Adios!!

-Dave (7/2/12)

Anthony Davis and his scary Unibrow go numero uno at the NBA uni-draft! (6/29/12)

 

It’s your June Twenty-Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Kentucky’s Anthony Davis has gone number one in the NBA Draft.  Earlier this week, Davis copyrighted the phrases “Fear the Brow” and “Raise the Brow.”  No offense, Anthony, but if I had a freakish, frightening physical characteristic, I wouldn’t be celebrating it like I was Marilyn Monroe showing off her snatch over a New York City subway grate.  Afterall, I don’t see Drew Brees copyrighting “Feed the Mole” or “Stroke my mole” or some shit like that.  And I never saw Rocky Dennis copyrighting “Suck my huge fucking monster head!”  Get it together, Anthony!!!  Shit!!!

Derek Jeter has tied Cal Ripken Jr. for 13th on the all-time hits list.  Besides having the same amount of career hits, there are surprisingly few similarities between Ripken and Jeter.  Jeter has gone out with numerous Hollywood actresses and singers, has a pent-house in New York, and has made hundreds of millions of dollars playing for the preeminent team in professional sports.  Ripken, on the other hand, is bald and has creepy Alaskan Husky eyes.  Seriously, Cal, what’s with the fucking wolf-dog eyes?!?!  Are they even real?!?!  They look like those sinister contacts that the villain from Last Action Hero wore, for shit’s sake!!  I know that you were a great player, Cal, but wear some God-Damn sunglasses to cover those things!!!  They’re freakin’ me out!!!!

—BREAKING NEWS— Rafael Nadal has been upset at Wimbledon by some shmizbo named Lukas Rosol who is ranked one-hundredth in the world!  John MacEnroe is already calling it “the biggest upset in tennis history.”  MacEnroe must have forgotten about the time former champion Richie Tenenbaum had a meltdown against Gandhi and lost the match in devastating manner.  It’s one thing to stop competing and serving up soft shots, Richie, but it’s another thing to take off your God-Damn shoes on the court!!!  For shame!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to, for the second straight day, a Giants’ pitcher for throwing another shutout.  This time it was Madison Bumgarner.  That makes it the fourth consecutive shutout that San Fran pitching has thrown.  Shit!!  That’s a lot of deja vu!!!  It’s like fucking Groundhog Day over here!!!  I hope that doesn’t mean that I will drunkenly shit myself for a fourth straight day…I’m running out of underwear!!!!

See you guys on Saturday at 7 PM Eastern (4 Pacific) on Sirius Xm Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!!!  Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!!  Peace, dogsies!!

-Dave (6/29/12)